Player Comments on The Last Descent

NOTE FOR AUTHOR: Dude, one of your links is broken. I keep clicking the “back to...” button after the second bear attack, but it’s not taking me to the next page and I can’t finish the game. So I’m posting this review in incomplete form. (If I was mistaken somehow, let me know.) I'll be back to finish this review when you fix the link.

Preview: Horror fans will enjoy this homage to classic slasher movies featuring a high school friend group staying at a cabin in the woods.

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
Overall: not bad! There are a lot of strengths to this story, and the areas that need improvement are well-defined. This is a solid first draft, and you can make significant improvements on a second draft without considerably altering the story.
My main feedback: cut down your wordcount using the language feedback I give below. Every story event that actually happens is solid and well arranged, but it just takes so long to be communicated that readers are likely to get bored.
I’m going to go into your wording later, so first I want to praise the scene structure. All the events you have plotted do a good job establishing the characters and setting. There are some good sequences that allow us to observe the group dynamics, like unlocking the building and turning the generator on.
This story also feels very true to how actual high schoolers talk and behave.
I like the ‘setpieces’ of this story, like the confrontation on the bridge. That was a well organized conflict that gave the player a compelling dilemma. You also have a useful layout of the cabin, private cabin, and wooded area. It makes it easy to set up sensible conflicts, so nice job with that. This story felt a lot like a movie in the way the action played out. Have you ever considered screenwriting?

I think the biggest problem this story has is it doesn’t feel like it’s bringing anything new to the table:
= The premise (bear attack!) is functional.
= The characters are fairly one-note, but still engaging enough.
= The group’s internal drama is nothing original, but it’s still functional.
= The language is unremarkable, but grammatically sound.
= The choices given to the player are fairly limited.
While any of these elements are fine on their own, combined together we’re left with a story that doesn’t seem to have much to distinguish itself. I’d recommend picking one element you want to invest in, and then making it stand out. Maybe go into detail exploring a monster you’re excited about. Or come up with some characters you love, with more layered and unique conflicts, and explore how they grow. The easiest option, given the format, would be to invest in this as a storyGAME and give the player a lot more control over the narrative. Then, the generic nature of the game’s other elements becomes a strength rather than a weakness, as its appeal will be to slasher genre fans who enjoy the interactive medium.
One way you might do this is through variables and item. There were several challenges in the story that could easily become games; like finding the cutters to get through the lock. I recommend checking out the site help articles on scripting & items if you go this route.
I think a game like this that combines item puzzles with suspense could be really interesting. There are plenty of opportunities to use the medium to heighten player tension. But I like games like this, so I might be biased.

Specific notes:
= You do a nice, efficient job setting the scene.
= This is a nice classic teaser to introduce the monster before getting to the main characters. I think you might be able to make it even more effective by not actually showing anyone die. If you’re familiar with the phrase “nothing is scarier”, it’s the idea that NOT showing scary things allows the audience to imagine something scarier than what you could have written. For instance, having Greg just cry out and mysteriously disappear, then just end with Avery getting dragged off. Then the audience can imagine their own horrible end; you avoid spoiling the details of your monster; and you can make the shocking moment of discovering Greg’s corpse more impactful by slowly building up to it over the story and having it be the main characters who discover it.
= Of course, Avery could still be alive, but the above advice still applies.
= Excellent job indirectly establishing character personalities & relationships on the first few pages. (Though this could have been done in fewer words; see my note on language below.) The character’s behavior during graduation works well; as does the expository phone call with Nicholas. Brooklyn is well-characterized by Nicholas and Aubrey’s reaction to her; and we learn of her relationship with Mason through the nickname.
= In retrospect, I think the graduation scene and most of this travel is probably unnecessary. Almost everything we learn in these scenes can be communicated in introductory interactions as the characters arrive at the cabin.
= Does this take place in the southern hemisphere? Usually graduations are summer. Or maybe I missed a time skip?
= A couple times your dialogue tags seem out of place. Why does Nicholas grin when he notices Brooklyn? Why does Chloe scoff at Mason? But these are nitpicks.
= You have some good foreshadowing with the “beware of bears” sign. You can probably fit in a little more; like maybe the group finds some items Avery dropped when she was attacked, or some blood stains in the snow that they conclude were from an animal killed. (It’s possible you did include some foreshadowing that I missed; see language commentary.)
= Damn how did all of these people get into ivy leagues.
= Good job building up suspense with things like Mason hinting that his parents didn’t let him use the shack, Imani briefly disappearing in the basement. Wyatt’s prank is another one, and that was well foreshadowed. This sequence also does a good job establishing how Chris behaves in a crisis.
= Nitpick: If Wyatt’s jaw crunched when Christopher hit him, we’re looking at broken bones.
= Ah yes, classic horror movie trope of teenagers who intend to have sex immediately getting killed.
= I feel like this story is taking a very long time to get started, but I’m pretty sure that’s just the language problem.
= 200 pound weight limit seems important. EDIT: Yeah.
= Lmao is he just going to let the bear in.
= The description you use for the bear attacks doesn’t quite evoke the tension & fear you’ll need it to. I recommend looking up some articles on writing action/horror sequences. The gist is that you want shorter punchier sentences, simpler description, and an emphasis on pace. All this emphasizes the fear and concentration of the narrating character.
= Aaaand the next link is broken. Huh. Am I missing something or was there an error here?

Grammar:
Good.
Mastery of Language:
Weirdly, your language use is really good, but you don’t seem to know how to use it. You communicate a lot in few words, effectively and evocatively. Unfortunately you’re not reaping the rewards of this, because you unnecessarily repeat information. Usually this is because your earlier descriptions and dialogue were so effective the clarification isn’t necessary. For instance, when Chris notices the excitement and disbelief on Nicholas’s face. We already know what Nicholas is feeling from his earlier dialogue. Similarly, we don’t need to be told Chris’s voice is soft with reflection—it’s already clear from his words. Another example: “The crowd erupted into applause, a sea of clapping hands and beaming faces.” The entire second half of this sentence is unnecessary, since your use of “erupted” already sets the tone perfectly. Another example: “Suddenly, Nichlas’s voice cut through the din. “WOOOO!” he screamed, leaping up from his chair and punching the air in celebration.” You lose nothing by reducing this to “”WOOOO!” Nicholas screamed triumphantly, leaping up and punching the air.” One last example: “Beside him, Aubrey swatted at Nicholas's arm, shooting him a pointed glare as she glanced around at the startled faces nearby. Christopher chuckled softly, shaking his head at his friend's exuberant display.” This can be “With a glare, Aubrey swatted Nicholas’s arm, glancing at the startled faces nearby. Christopher chuckled softly.”
You get the idea. In general, when you see places in this story where you directly tell the reader what a certain character is feeling (via internal thoughts, or a direct description of their tone or expression), you can probably safely take it out. Ask yourself what the shortest and least direct way you could communicate the information is, and then drop everyting else.
The reason for this is audience engagement: audiences only care about information the first time they hear it, and when it comes to character emotions & relationships, they prefer learning by observing. They’ll pick up on a lot more than you expect just by watching. With unnecessary repetition, the story drags on and you risk losing them.
It’s possibly you’re intentionally padding the story’s word count? If so, don’t bother—people love short games. The shorter it is, the more likely people are to read and finish it.
Your dialogue is nice. It’s efficient, tailored to the individual’s personality, moves the story forward, and has some funny moments. Again; your effective dialogue is doing so much heavy-lifting for you that a lot of the description is redundant.

Branching:
Typically, storygame audiences will expect significantly more interactivity than you have here. Particularly they’ll expect more choices that have a meaningful impact on the outcome.
The first part of the story is one long stretch where relatively no options are available. If having a stable introductory sequence is important to the story, there are a couple things you can do. One option is similar to what you’re already doing: have optional encounters triggered by certain player actions, but then make sure these encounters deliver vital information the player will need later in the story. Another option is to use items and variables, as I mentioned above.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
Amusingly, the language use and general pacing in this story reminds me a lot of my own writing from five or six years ago.

CONCLUSION: 1/8 only because of the broken link; I will come back to finish this and update my rating to a 4/8 after you fix it (or if I was mistaken). The 4/8 is because the redundancy is just so difficult to get through. This could easily be a 6/8 if you fix that one problem.

Ok, I will start with what I like about this story. The characters are written decently well and have good interactions with each other. It definitely has the whole "clueless friend group stuck in a slasher pic" vibe down. In fact, the interactions are fun enough that I kind of wish the bear wasn't in the story, and the character dynamics were allowed to develop more.

Unfortunately, there seems to be no links after Brooklyn meets the bear, making this an incomplete story. Damn shame really.