Player Comments on A Zombie Night
This story is a nightmare/horror scenario that capably gives the reader the opportunity to make choices as they fight to escape an attack.
The narrative relies pretty heavily on telling the reader what's being felt ("The wet, sucking sound as she falls and the tool pulls free from her eye makes nausea roil in Jenny's stomach.") at moments when I think the narrative could sustain it. This author is good enough at writing to make their sentences tighter, and rely less on telling.
Another example: "The crunch is sickening and Jenny feels a pang in her stomach for killing the tiny child, but she doesn't have time to dwell on that." This is a really compelling moment, and the result of a pretty good choice, and I think it would be even more powerful if you just give us the crunch and maybe the fall of the body. Saying there's a "pang in her stomach" really slackens the tension the author has built up.
The choices are often interesting and varied. A few might be rephrased, like "Jenny asks Michael for help and trades fights with him since he has the longer weapon" which just hits my ear a bit clumsily.
The game felt a bit short, but I don't think that's necessarily a problem. There's some effective emotion, some excitement, and a bit of forking leading to a couple of endings. I might have liked to see a little more forking and tactical choices as I escaped, and maybe a little more emotional stuff, especially between Jenny and Michael.
A few minor things:
Lots of characters are introduced all at once--Jenny, Crazy Tom, Peggy, Maggie, Mindy, Mindy's father, old Henry, Hailee the postwoman, Michael the hot neighbor. These are not all important characters, but there are so many names thrown in all at once that it's overwhelming.
The scene after turning on the light is pretty confusing. There's a keen from outside, arms "throw out" from under the bed, an army crawls out (!), a head looks up, there's a thunk at the window, Peggy and Maggie are at the window, a head bangs on the frame as someone pushes her head through, someone falls on the floor, they grunt, moan, and bare their teeth.
That's a lot going on at a very high volume right away, and it's hard for a reader to grapple with, action-wise and perspective-wise all the same time. You might want to find a way to reveal more slowly. A creepy dude coming out from under the bed should be terrifying. So spend time on that moment rather than mix it in with so much other stuff going on.
Spelling: arms/army; the dress is properly spelled muumuu, not moo moo.
on 8/31/2019 6:12:33 AM with a score of 0
Very good story i love the choices but i feel like their is a bit to much explaining going on (i prefare simple story's thats just me sorry)
on 9/4/2019 9:32:34 PM with a score of 0
It was amazing. Jenny got paranoid, but at least I didn't die! :)
-- AMuggleNerd on 9/2/2019 10:10:09 AM with a score of 0
The story begins quite abruptly, with your character waking up and being thrust into a heated chase with Crazy Tom, which is why it stunned me that one of the two starting choices would bring me to two unavoidable death scenes, stopping the flow immediately. I'd suggest adding a little more to flesh out that path, because it took me out of the story a bit.
I think you might also add some description where it isn't necessary, or it's a bit inappropriate. The introduction of most characters is coupled with a little tidbit of who they are (or were before zombification) and it also halts the flow of the story. If you want to give the reader an idea of how Jenny feels seeing her zombified neighbors, then a more subtle approach might be better.
For example: "Through the largest window of the room, she sees old Henry in the street light, the senior that could be seen most mornings out watering or weeding his lawn and flowers." This sentence is fine on its own, but then it immediately goes into a fight scene, and the description disrupts that flow.
Enough of the negatives, cause there's a lot to like. It's worth mentioning that to get this picky about wording, the writing has to be generally pretty good, and it is. I definitely would like more, to flesh in the premise.
on 9/2/2019 8:02:21 AM with a score of 0
I loved it, with the descriptive language and exciting storyline. I just started with this website but reading this makes me more excited for a future with this website.
on 8/31/2019 11:16:28 PM with a score of 0
This is a short story about waking up to the zombie apocalypse. It's got a bunch of names for neighbors the reader has no context for. There isn't much time for character development since the story is just about getting out of the situation to begin with.
This story has the basic zombie apocalypse battle at the pace of a slasher flick that's only got two potential victims left. The story is well written, I don't have any real issues with it outside of naming corpses I don't have any context for.
I did find it odd that the slasher with the knife had the most in depth background in the story.
on 8/31/2019 2:43:26 PM with a score of 0