Player Comments on Rob

I really don't see why this storygame was published. I wouldn't say that you should never publish a demo, but a published storygame should be a worthwhile read or at least a good tease and draw in the reader. Take a look at Becoming Legend by the_quiller as one example of a great demo - and that's not even been published yet. On the whole, it's better to keep demos unpublished; you can get people to look at it if you enable sneak preview. As EndMaster put it, a published storygame doesn't have to be completely finished but it should be self contained. That means that a complete story needs to told. This isn't an example of a complete story.

A story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. There needs to be some sort of conflict, be it between characters, an inner struggle of the protagonist against him/herself or a fight against the world around them (the elements, circumstances, beasts, etc). A story must also end with some sort of resolution or closure. This short piece has none of that. It was just a boring day where nothing happened, with the reader equally bored as the protagonist. The bland and undescriptive writing didn't help, either.

You showed that you're capable of putting together sentences well. So show us some good writing! I'm sure if you put more effort and time into writing more in a way that holds the reader's attention better, you could write pretty well. I'm certain that, had you really thought carefully about it, that you could have made the day that was boring for the protagonist an interesting one for the reader. Maybe you could have talked about how the day was routine and no different from other days. You mentioned that the family was boring, but the reader might have benefitted from learning about why the protagonist finds them so boring and what else he thinks about them. When you take the dog for a walk, you could have described how they walked past the same boring street and saw the same old man walking his same old dog or at least something. Even if everything is boring and mundane for the character perhaps it will be at the very least fresh, if not exciting, for the reader.

As for the links and branches it worked well for the most part, but there was a loop that I spotted. Even one mistake is inexcusable when the game is so short. It really wouldn't have taken that long to playtest the whole thing, or maybe even get someone else to test it for you.

I don't know if you were just testing out the storygame editor, but I really hope that more effort will go into your storygames in the future if you ever return. Looking at your latest activity it's unlikely. It looks like created this within one day, and it shows. There really is no benefit to publishing games like this. If you want other people to look at your game before it's published, just turn on sneak preview. I'm only saying this because I would like to see the standard of storygames on this website improve. You will be taken more seriously as an author if you don't publish unfinished and, quite honestly, boring 'stories' like this.

It's too short, even for a demo

...don't know what to say.
I fell asleep the the game ended?

there was as much of a point to this story as a ball.

Since this is a demo, I know this is probably just the beginning of the game before you get to the interesting part of your story but to be honest, in the real game I'd just skip straight to the interesting bit.

I hate life simulators for CYS. Make a good game, not a game with 3-4 options and game over. And if that's too hard, make something with a plot.

ROB = Readers Outrageously Bored.

First of all it's a demo, so for me that instantly lowers my rating (once you release the full storygame my rating may change).

Second, there is no real goal to the storygame. It wasn't very interesting to read.

The only good thing about this game is that it's realistic, if your life sucks. That, and you know how to spell.

Very good but you don't need to keep reminding us how boring life is. Also you could have made it a whole week and expanded it into a short love story.

Okay

I suppose it was a simulation of everyday life, but everyday life is BORING!

I fell asleep four times when I was reading this! It's that boring!

I'm not going to give it a rating since it's a demo.

It's just ok for me. It was good in that it had a lot of options available for the player. This made me more engaged in the game.

But, the pages were very short(I don't think one of them had more than ten sentences.) and you tended to repeat yourself a lot.

For example:

You put on your shoes, and walk out with Rex. You take a walk with Rex

You don't need to say it twice. It just kind of repetitive.

My suggestion is to keep on trying.

I hope for more once this is finished, but right now, it's sort of pointless...

This wasn't a storygame. I just don't know why its come under the category of modern adventure. So, in my opinion we should remain far, far away from it.

Ok writing, not very good storyline