Player Comments on Stockholm Syndrome
A lot has already been said. The writing itself isn't bad at all, and there's a decent amount of it for something you dashed off in less than a week, but suspension of disbelief goes out the window very early on with the kidnapping itself, and it's hard to get into the story after that. The character's initial (non)reaction to being kidnapped and their interactions with the kidnappers don't feel very realistic either.
It really did feel like you were railroaded into one set of choices with the game going to sometimes silly lengths to punish you for anything else. (Ruining your career in various hard to believe ways, getting lost in a massive forest inexplicably right outside a neighborhood and taking /weeks/ to die, somehow always escaping in a way where you never even think to glance at the house or a street sign or anything, etc...) Doubly annoying when the 'anything else' was usually the most logical or realistic choice.
I'd recommend reading up on how dialogue is supposed to be punctuated, since what you've got here is all over the place, but otherwise I didn't spot many technical issues. I think you've got a lot of potential and I'll be watching for your future stories so I'm not intending to discourage you from writing, it's just that the particular subject and the way events played out in this one made it difficult to get into.
on 10/3/2016 11:09:04 PM with a score of 0
You have a few problems with your story, to be honest. The writing and grammer are fairly well done, especially for your first game, and shows potential. There's a few things you could change, like showing rather than telling, such as "inconspicuous car" would better be "plain grey sedan", or something of the sort. Other than that, the writing itself was pretty good.
Another, larger issue is the plot itself. It falls apart quite easily. The story seems to try force me along a path and punishing me for choosing other options, even though this is a game designed for choices. For instance, kicking out a creepy looking guy seems to ruin me, when really it would draw no attention, or very little at least, in real life.
As Bucky said, the kidnapping itself was quite ridiculous. Whilst chloroform doesn't work that way, it's something I'm more than willing to disregard for the story, but the thought that the man could not only successfully knock me out, which would be unlikely as there'd be high security presence around me, but manages to sling me over his shoulder, circumvent the guards and a crowd, all of whose eyes are on me, before escaping to a car outside and speeding away, leaving no evidence for the FBI to track just stretches the suspension of belief to such ridiculous extremes that at this point the story has already severely disappointed me. There's many things like this, including getting lost by going into the woods, which since I'm fleeing from a house in the suburbs is nonsense.
I'm not exactly sure of what the theme or message of this was supposed to be. Seeing as the best ending is only received by "1. Not escaping the kidnapper", which is just a ridiculous expectation for the protagonist to do. Even if the kidnapper acts kindly, to wake him up rather than escaping is ridiculous. Not only that, I need to forgive the dude for kidnapping me, perform a private concert for his sister and go to her funeral. I mean, what? is that supposed to be the moral choice? The dude's a kidnapper. I don't care he's doing it for his sister. Write to Make a Wish or something, don't kidnap someone against their will, watching them cry as they beg to be released whilst refusing to reveal anything. He's not a sympathetic character in anyway. He's an asshole.
Still, the fact that you put a lot of work into this shows that you have potential. I really hope you continue working, and keep writing, as you most definitely would improve in the future. Best of luck with writing.
on 10/3/2016 8:53:54 PM with a score of 0
So many ridiculous things with this: a few, starting with the more mundane to the all clinically brain damaged.
1) 20,000 fans is hardly a big crowd for a pop star in the modern world. If that's your protagonist's biggest crowd, she's not really a huge hit.
2) Chloroform doesn't work that fast. It would take over five minutes of constantly breathing it in to knock someone out. Hollywood has lied to you with their typical fashion of blasphemy in the name of science.
3) Do you really think someone could throw a grown woman over their shoulder, in the middle of a crowded mall, and run out the door, to a car, and escape, before a horde of people or security tackled the guy and beat the ever living crap out of him? If you do, you need to lay off the drugs.
The writing itself was okay - but not great. Though, when your premise relies on absolutely absurd circumstances, it doesn't matter how good your writing is, as the story will be rubbish and unbelievable. The readers shouldn't be particularly aware that they're reading a story. They should be too engrossed in the fictional world.
on 10/3/2016 8:00:15 PM with a score of 0
I liked the choices I was able to make, and it's a nice story
on 7/12/2018 12:14:52 AM with a score of 0
it was so sweet
-- izzy on 3/9/2018 3:02:30 PM with a score of 0
So my kidnapper knocks me out WHILST he's having his picture taken with me? In front of all these people? Really?
on 4/13/2017 8:43:26 AM with a score of 0
It does what the title says...
I just have to say I really, really like this story. It explores something I've never seen before in stories here. However, the spelling and grammatical errors, small though they were, were enough to keep me from perfect enjoyment. Perhaps, you could grab someone over to help proofread your stories in the future? Sometimes it feels as if I'm being hustled into parts where only one choice actually continues the story, but not much harm done, thankfully. Your writing is pitch near-perfect in style, however, and with more effort you will indeed see success in this website.
Damned if I wasn't conflicted by what to do. Chances of escape were seen, but the way the kidnapper treated Linda made me decide to stick with them (or rather kidnappers). The truth behind what they did seems to tangle the reader's devotion of justice and escape in a web of pity and sympathy, especially if one finds out a character has a maddeningly sad reality who was why the kidnappers risked it all to capture a well-guarded global superstar. Could they be forgiven, even with this bad thing they've done?
My choice, however, is not mine to discuss but for the readers to experience.
Great game, and keep up the great work. Keep turning out more stories worth all my cents! 6/8.
on 2/25/2017 7:23:24 AM with a score of 0
I'd suggest getting one or two of the other writers on this site to proofread your stories before you post them, I know most are willing to help out. Apart from a gobs of errors (spelling, grammar, and logic) your writing isn't terrible.
on 11/22/2016 3:58:03 PM with a score of 0
Parts are good, but very strange tone and not sure what the point is...or how it's about Stockholm syndrome.
on 11/12/2016 6:18:30 PM with a score of 0
It was a good story overall,but could have been better
-- AntiHero on 10/10/2016 9:30:52 PM with a score of 0
Good writing, but broken plot and logic. Doesn't matter how good your writing is, plot and how sensible all the stuff are much more important.
on 10/4/2016 11:15:00 AM with a score of 0