Test of Alaudia

Player Rating?/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 8 ratings since
played times (finished )

Story Difficulty5/8

"run through the jungle"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.

To win, you must trust your wits and skills! This is the test of Alaudia. 

Here's your back story (if you want it)

You are a boy around 16-18 years old, you have brown hair and blue eyes, you are a b+ student. You are very good with strength and used to do wrestling. You are apparently a 'special' person and are put into a test. There may be a part two, but you'll have to remember the number you get. 

 

It may be a little disturbing to some readers, you have been warned! Has humor in a few pages that may not be appropriate, is violent in a few pages, and has cussing in a few pages!

Player Comments

Apart from the suspect punctuation errors, this story suffers from distracting formatting choices, a nonsensical plot line, and a lack of any emotional engagement (which is symptomatic of the first two issues). I was willing to let the noticeable punctuation errors slide (although there were even a couple on the very first page - not a good look) since they didn't completely put me off. However, the sudden changes in text colour, and especially the size 30 font you used to warn me of a certain scene, did break any semblance of engagement I had with the story. A sentence was even in yellow, and needed highlighting to read it! Next time, I strongly suggest you refrain from including these... 'additions'. They actually inhibited me from taking it seriously.

On to more pressing matters: the plot. The first 'jump' from (what I think is) the dream to reality was very jarring and did not make sense. Perhaps I needed to play through all the choices in order to understand what was happening, because at no point was the relationship between what occurred in the dream-state and in reality made clear. I was left very confused - did my choices while dreaming have an effect on what would happen in reality? Who was that stinky old man (or the kid I robbed, or the vampire-mum)? As a result, I thought that half my choices wouldn't matter. If there was more build-up, or foreshadowing, maybe you could have made this clearer. When you're planning out the next storygame, I'd suggest sticking to a more conventional structure. For the reasons above, I was left disorientated and opposed to replaying this. Think about this: if I can't make reading enjoyable, why should people come back to read more?

As much as I'd like to figure out why the main character is a 'special' person, or to simply understand what the hell is going on, I think it's best to leave you with the following advice. Start with a conventional plot structure, focus on the 'micro' - punctuation, word choice etc. - and ask specific questions when you need help. Good luck!

2/8
-- Ozoni on 5/18/2019 8:51:06 AM with a score of 0
Lots of common mistakes in here for a new author. Lack of proofreading, useless items the story doesn't even check for, and various amateurish mistakes. The author's age is obviously a factor but that isn't going to effect anyone's ratings and I doubt this will stay published.

I realize the author's thread got derailed pretty badly but there were points made several times about the importance of proofreading and polish. This was rushed out when it had no reason to be and it shows; even the first page is full of errors.

Spend more time reading good books and your writing will improve. Practicing with short stories and the like also may help to get a better grasp on the mechanics of story telling. But simply taking the time and care to clean up the technical aspects and SPAG issues (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) will go a long way with any story. Free resources exist all over the internet explaining this stuff and also presumably you have access to a teacher in a classroom of some sort.

The fact you made a thread asking for advice and seem open to honest feedback is also a good start and probably the best sign you'll continue to learn and improve as you grow older. Early attempts are never any good and putting them out there for strangers to pick apart is sometimes not the best idea, but this may still be a useful learning experience if you have the right attitude about it.
-- mizal on 5/17/2019 5:18:17 PM with a score of 0
This is a perfect example of how quantity over quality is inferior to quality over quantity. There’s so many misspelled words and you used the wrong tense a lot. You can eat the apple when you don’t even have one, the cave can collapse multiple times, etc. I’m not sure why I was forced to scare the little boy off after stealing all of his shit, especially when my character seemed so joyed to see him. Also I’m a “16-18 year old boy” who is “very good with strength and used to do wrestling” but I get knocked out by a little girl yelling ‘lies’ even though I didn’t have any food? And 5 seconds ago tearing up. I go through the story feeling like a 7 year old even though I’m 10 years older, this just shows why you should write about things you’re familiar with.

This writing is very similar to that of my sister’s and her friends’ “scary” stories (she’s in 5th grade btw). The only difference is that hers is around 10k words, maybe more now. I’m a little confused becuase most kids who know what cellular respiration is shouldn’t think that masterbation is a ‘bad word’.

Not sure why there are so many 7s and 8s (alts maybe?). I’m giving it a 3.
-- Austinc on 5/17/2019 2:24:34 PM with a score of 0
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