urnam0, The Apprentice Scrivener

Member Since

1/8/2009

Last Activity

11/29/2021 12:05 AM

EXP Points

1,658

Post Count

197

Storygame Count

3

Duel Stats

21 wins / 25 losses

Order

Architect Exemplar

Commendations

57

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favorite online CYOA games are The Paradox Factor, Ground Zero, Necromancer, and The Devil's Fire.

 

 

 

 

"I bring... death! How dare you try and give me life?"

 

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Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Having 1 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 08/30/2021 - Oh hey! Nice to see you around again! Given by Will11 on 01/14/2018 - For your great stories

Storygames

The Flame

An allegory.

 

Author's note: the title of this story is actually The Fire, but someone else already created a storygame with that title, so I couldn't give it the title that I wanted. My second choice for the title was The Light, but another person already took that title as well, so, if you don't mind, just pretend that the title of this story is The Fire.


Warlords: Strategic Conquest

A story set in medieval China.

Note: Even early on in the game you can lose by making a strategically erroneous choice so choose carefully.


Featured Story Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

witwics

My interpretation of one of my favorite TV shows from childhood: Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? This work is primarily based on the TV game show version rather than the computer game, book, or cartoon versions.

Author's note: Please do not cheat by using the Back button- just remember to Save the game every time you're promoted and Restore if you happen to lose.

 

P.S. See if you can find all the Easter Eggs!


Recent Posts

Bracketed Dueling #2 on 11/23/2021 8:07:18 AM

I vote for Story #2. The prose was much better, though I feel like the ending was rushed, like the writer just ran out of ideas or time. Lines like "'It feels like forever since you’ve had time off work,' she rubs his palm with her thumb," "She stood, staring in awe. It was perfect," and "Linda let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding" were the most elegant sentences I read this whole contest. Story #2 had the best balance of word economy and descriptive details. Story #1 did the best job of making me care about the protagonist, but it didn't have anything resembling a smart villain as per the instructions that I could tell, some sentences were overwritten ("A child thought so strong turns into a toddler within an almost unnatural instant" and "His ears are filled with the sound of air, and his eyes focus in the dark" are examples of lots of words that say little), there were times during the fight scene when it was confusing as to who your pronouns were referring to ("he" was used multiple times not to refer to the last male character mentioned, but rather the other one), and there were some jarring transitions from third-person limited to a more omniscient POV.


Bracketed Dueling #1 on 11/23/2021 2:02:18 AM

Also, if Sean's cabin is 'new', does 'home sweet home' really apply?

I read that phrase as him being sarcastic, as in he actually didn't like his new home. He heavily sighed right after saying it, indicating that he wasn't really in a good mood, along with pulling himself out of his car, as if he did not want to enter the house. It also said that this was "only" the second time he had seen the building, as if he had buyer's remorse. He also shook his head later on and started having second thoughts about the purchase toward the end of the paragraph, all of which suggest that he did not really have warm affection toward his new abode.


Bracketed Dueling #1 on 11/23/2021 1:22:08 AM

This was really close vote for me. The second story had stronger strengths and worse flaws (more mature writer's voice, more descriptive, but the inadequate dialogue tags and how difficult it was to keep track of who was speaking annoyed me [there were multiple times when I thought one character was speaking, but then it turned out to have been another character]), while the first story had fewer strengths and more minor flaws (effectively creepy, but immature and simplistic writing style). The tiebreaker for me was that I thought that the idea for the first story was more enjoyable, with the deliciously cruel witch, so my vote is for Story #1 by the thinnest of margins.


Psychotic on 11/21/2021 8:48:56 PM

Google "owl purdue" and read all of their writing articles, especially the punctuation ones. It will tell you all of the official English punctuation rules and how to optimally utilize them for clear communication. Are you in school? What's your academic background? If you haven't finished school yet, you may also learn these punctuation rules in school later or you can ask your teacher to correct your punctuation.


Psychotic on 11/21/2021 12:17:10 AM

The overall idea is good, but it could use a lot of polishing, especially in punctuation. The usual advice is to read more great writing so that you know what great writing does that non-great writing doesn't do. I liked the dialogue (felt natural), unreliable narrator, emotional impact, and world-building details, like the firehouse and job stuff. The structure reminded me a little bit of O. Henry. As is, a 6.5/10.


Writing an Excellent First Page on 11/5/2021 11:11:14 PM

Try using a cold open. Watch some good movies and TV shows- what makes good openings in those media also makes for good openings in writing.

As for your writing process, no one else will be able to find the best way for you to write. That is an agony-filled process of experimentation and error that you will have to endure alone, as your words flow through you alone.

For me, I write good stories when I have the entire concept of the story mapped out in a clear vision before I start writing any pages (aka outlining). Therefore, I already know how it's going to start and how the beginning flows into the rest of the story before I start writing the beginning. It comes from a firm grasp of the themes and point of the story. When I was younger and tried to write stories without a firm grasp of the themes of the story before writing, I was unsure of myself and how to start it, and so never did.

For CYOA stories with the best openings I have read, all of the games listed as my favorites in my profile have great openings, as well as Dangerous Memories.


Corgi vs Fem - Vote! on 10/13/2021 3:19:42 AM

lol


Corgi vs Fem - Vote! on 10/13/2021 12:53:02 AM

I enjoyed the second story more, but I almost want to vote for the first story just to see the fallout...


Corgi vs Fem - Round 2 on 10/12/2021 11:56:02 PM

Aww, too bad.


Corgi vs Fem - Round 2 on 10/8/2021 9:27:57 AM

Might I suggest a site-wide battle royale writing competition (after this match is done, of course) with seeds and brackets like the NCAA tournament, with these sort of 1v1 battles until one writer is left the winner, and no-shows automatically losing their matchup? It might be a fun and interesting diversion from the usual contests. All of the entrants would have to stay anonymous to the judges until the final winner has been declared, though.