Player Comments on Fey Light

General Recommendation & Preview: A biblical apocalyptic tale with interesting worldbuilding.

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:

Overall I liked this story. The writing and language was very good, and the plot made sense. The worldbuilding was a strength. The things that bring my rating down have more to do with character attachment and investment in the outcome.

This story is good enough that it will be faster to list the things I didn’t like than the things I did. Here are my complaints:
= Too much infodumping in a non plot-relevant way. The information should be spaced out, and directly relevant to the narrator’s goals as it’s delivered.
= The narrator gets too much help from others without having to work for it. This makes the player have less agency in the situation. It kind of feels like he's just along for the ride in a story that the Light already wrote for him.
= It becomes increasingly obvious that this story is super linear. Even adding some save-or-die choices would help. That, or you could just commit and make this a linear novella. That might work better with the plot you have in mind.
= The fairy, shrew, and title seem kind of random. This is a biblical end times epic, not a fairy story. Your branding in the intro and first few pages didn’t do an effective job of telling the reader what to expect. I was looking forward to a dark fairy story, and while I still liked what I got, it wasn't what I was expecting.
= I think this story is too long. There are a lot of scenes that share similar purposes which could be composited into a single event. There are a lot of characters that could be combined like this too.
= I’m just not sold on why the protagonist was chosen for this. Okay so he has the right mixture of good and evil… why? So what? His sacrifice means nothing when he was destined to make it.

In general, I think this story will become a lot stronger if you change it so there’s nothing special about the protagonist at all—he’s just an ordinary person in an end times scenario who ends up choosing to do the right thing and make a sacrifice. (Again, this will work better if you change this to a linear story.) You can give him something to lose to make the sacrifice more meaningful, and the fact that the path wasn't laid out for him makes the choice more brave.

As things are, it felt a lot like Simon was the protagonist of the story--he's the one making all the decisions and doing all the important things. That makes Simon an interesting character, but it comes at the expense of the narrator.

Specific notes:
- Nice title page and backgrounds! Extra effort like this really makes a story stand out. It also makes the story a lot easier to read, I find CYS’s default font and background often aren’t ideal.
- The action starts right away with the beginning; I’m already wondering what’s going on and wanting to read more.
- I’m noticing a lot of big words and complex sentence structure. To me, this suggests some things about the protagonist.
- I’m always a fan of creepy stone doorways.
- Interesting quote at the top of the page. I hope we eventually find out what it’s from.
- Faries, talking shrews. I’m interested to learn more about this setting. This story has done a very good job hooking readers by the first page.
- “The Woe” is a great name for a malevolent entity.
- The Nameless One from earlier didn’t seem that talkative—how does this guy know so much about their rich internal lives?
- Really interesting worldbuilding with the day and night not having regular cycles.
- Oho I expect this is the Book of the Shaman we’re seeing on page tops. I also like the tone you’re using for the book passages.
- This part is getting a little info-dump-y, and the book quotes are wearing on a bit. You might want to use them more sparingly to keep it fresh. I’d recommend giving “the man” some other title to refer to him by. That said; you already have a lot of proper nouns it’s getting tough to remember. (Lingering, Remembering, Blessed, etc.)
- One trick to get through info like this is to have the narrating character be focused on some other immediate goal—maybe he’s listening attentively for some relevant piece of information (for example; defeating a nameless one), or he’s just trying to hurry the stranger through his story so he can eat the meal he’s cooking. Just sitting and listening is a bit passive.
- This guy is suspicious as hell. He was already suspiciously informed, and being suspiciously helpful, and now he’s talking about what he is and isn’t “permitted” to tell us. If he doesn’t turn out to have some ulterior motive, I’d consider re-writing this section to make him less helpful. Protagonists should have to work for their information—make the narrator grill him for details, or draw it out of him or something. It’s too passive in the current form. EDIT: Ok, this is getting better on your second page. And the many links help. But I’d still suggest giving the protagonist some more pressing motive to drive the conversation forward; or spacing out this information over some more action; this is WAY too much for one conversation. DOUBLE EDIT: I think one reason this conversation is wearing on is that the narrator and stranger speak in the same character voice. Making one of them stand out would help.
- “I doubt you would seek the company of the one whom I speak” it’s him, isn’t it.
- This is an intereting blend of fairies and talking shrews with what seems like a very christian purgatory type world. And creation as a violation of order is interesting too.
- We should have learned The Hunter’s name much sooner in this conversation, using “the man” for him was getting awkward.
- This world doesn’t have the most original binary, but I dig a solid well-written good/evil conflict. This story has a Tolkein-esque feel in a number of ways.
- The noose is a great visual.
- So this guy knows about me too? I’m getting more suspicious. If these people really are all just genuinely helpful, I’d recommend cutting back on it. It makes things feel too easy for the player. It could be justified if this is all just some sort of reflection of the protagonist’s inner world, but it’s still a little too easy from the first-time player’s perspective.
- Damn one minute you’re sleeping in a warm cabin, the next bloody strangers are pulling baby legs out of horse intestines.
- “It’s all symbollic.” Lol.
- The grandmother & kid are interesting. It’s surprising how ubiquitously known the scripture is here.
- About time someone got a name around here.
- Good scene where they agree to trust him in the village.
- Ah, I’m glad that we’re hearing counterarguments to the prevalent scripture here. I’m not saying I believe this guy, but it seemed a little unrealistic that everyone believed the same things unquestioningly.
- I like Simon as an angel; he’s not what you’d traditionally expect from one. He has interesting motivations, particularly with his continuing to claim he has no affection for humanity. The tense relationship between him and the narrator keeps the story interesting.
- This backstory scene with Simon is going smoother than the earlier one, because there’s character conflict driving it forward.
- Lightbringer’s an interesting guy, but I’d have liked to see more out of him than just a conversation.
- There are a number of interesting reveals in this story, (Simon being an angel; you being destined to die), but for some reason they’re not having much of an impact on me. I think it’s because all of this story has been focused on The Quest, so it doesn’t feel unusual for things to focus on that. I don’t know anything about this narrator, so I don’t feel like I lose anything by him dying. I’m not sure how you’d go about fixing this, since you don’t want to add irrelevant subplots, it’s just an observation. But generally sacrifice plots only mean anything when the person making the sacrifice has something to lose.
- Damn well this is a mess of predistination philosophy. “The light merely knew what you would choose to do, and intended to use your evil for good.” Okay, but if the light knew what he would do in advance, it’s tough to argue that it was free will at all.
- The escaping through time thing is an interesting concept.
- The final choice doesn't seem to matter a whole lot. I wouldn't recommend including a final branch like that unless it's significant.
- Skimming through, it looks like the first decision doesn’t affect the story much. That’s kind of disappointing.

Grammar:
Good! There are a couple typos.
Mastery of Language:
Very good, the sentences flow together in a way that eases the reader along without drawing their attention.
I really like the description in this story, and I don’t usually care much for description. It’s effective and evocative. I have some commentary on the wording below; but the sensory details and metaphors you use are great.
My biggest complaint: in most places, the wording could be tightened up for greater effect. An example: “You feel the grass beneath your fingers almost seeming to retreat into the ground, as if terror was felt by the earth itself.” This could be turned into “The grass beneath your fingers seems to retreat into the ground, as if the earth itself is terrified.” This removed the “you feel” which needlessly distances the reader from the narrator; removed needless words in the second part; and turns the last clause from passive to active voice. Most of the story could use a readthrough with this kind of treatment in mind. Similarly, there are times when the narrator muses on things that don’t need to be visited again. But again; this is a high-level criticism and the narration as it is is still effective.
There are places where you do a very good job with distinct character voice, but it feels like when you’re not paying attention you slip back into a default tone that gives grandiose descriptions and thoughtful musings. It’s a fine tone for the narration, but it feels a little weird that every character we meet speaks that way too.
There are a couple places where you say things like “His tone one of mild annoyance.” The dialogue will flow smoother if you find a way to communicate that through action or words instead of just telling us. Maybe he frowns and his voice turns a little sharper. The “glancing askance” does the job for this example. (Another example “you say matter-of-factly”. Maybe “flatly” instead?)

Branching:
Not great, there aren’t a lot of options for the player to change the narrative.

CONCLUSION: 6/8. The evocative description is the story's greatest strength, and bumps it up to the 6 (I was on the fence between 5 and 6). The lack of agency and reader investment in the protagonist holds it back the most. The worldbuilding is also generally interesting. Overall a solid story.

I wasn't entirely sure what to expect from this storygame when I read the blurb initially, but I was immediately engaged by the storybook feel of the storygame. I loved the font size, and it managed to engage me very easily. The very first scene, with the player character holding and strangling a fairy creature, did a really good job of showing the feel of the rest of the storygame. However, I was a bit surprised not to see anymore of the fairies. The unicorns made sense, given what was revealed...but I didn't learn where the fairies came from, and it would have been nice to get those answers by the end.

While there weren't a lot of branches or choices to make in this, there were quite a lot that managed to feel like they had real consequences, depending on the choice I made. While I knew that, if I made the wrong choice (especially towards the end), I could simply go back and choose another path, this story felt very much like when I reached the end, that was it. Unlike a lot of storygames (or other CYOAs) I've read, I felt very much like time was running out...although I couldn't say if I would reach a point when the Remembering occurred before the player character was ready.

I really liked the religious, almost fantasy feel there was to this storygame. There were a couple of times where I wondered if what I was assuming was actually the case, and if maybe...actually...what Lionel was claiming was the truth. However, Lionel's words in the storygame held a note of conspiracy theorists, so I chose not to help him. I can't help but wonder, if I did, what would happen to the world?

I found Simon a really interesting character, and the more I learned about him, the more I liked him, especially learning about his histoy and why he was the way he was; not just in appearance, but also in personality. As for his appearance, though, I thought the backstory was quite a unique, interesting one!

I found the whole backstory of the Woe and the Light to be really interesting, and I appreciated being able to learn more about it as the story went on. And then, getting to learn about the player character's history on the day of Remembering was really good...and answered a lot of questions, even though it raised others.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this storygame. It was a uniquely designed one and I really enjoyed learning about the world and the characters. In my opinion, it certainly deserves second place!Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!

Dude.

That was really good. Oftentimes, stories have an issue with starting off slow. Even though they may be good later on, they depend on a reader's attention span, and in this day and age, that is a rare commodity.

But you grabbed my attention right from the start, when we literally know nothing about the character except that he's about to eat a fairy.

I chose the option where you spare the creature, but for shits and giggles, I later went back to see what would happen if you did eat the creature, and it was pretty gruesome.

You have a talent with words. You don't slam the reader with something shocking right away, but you take your time, using sensory details to paint a picture, and then you go full force with the shock value. That scene was hard to read, especially when you break the fairy's sternum.

I really loved everything about this story. You put tons of effort in the art, as soon as I clicked on the story, I knew I was in for a good one. And the way each page looked like it was from a story book.

There are two types of writing. There's the short, punchy, to the point kind, and there's the paint a picture with a thousand words. Your writing style is the second kind, and boy did it make reading this so much fun. It felt like I was in. another world, and I really appreciate your attention to detail in describing the protagonist's surroundings and the weather. I liked some of your word choices and just the figures of speech you used to paint the picture.

I also like how thematically you stay consistent the whole time. The episode at the beginning isn't a one off where it's super interesting and then it falls flat. You clearly know where to take this and you have a set direction in mind. The protagonist continuously struggles with a battle between good, and well, woe.

Overall, I'd give this a 7/8. I really enjoyed reading this story, this was a fantastic entry for Sherbet's contest. I really think you could make a sequel on this, as long as you take the same amount of time and care you spent on this one for that story. Well done