Player Comments on A Chosen Hero

So, first off, I want to say that you had absolutely phenomenal world-building. Its very clear you sat and thought this out to the point where it was fully fleshed out. I found myself actively wanting to read all of the background links and be drawn further into this world. Whether it be small things such as meeting Raven or as important as the dreams with Alessa, I was always interested.

Now, after that, I'm gonna get the negatives out of the way. First off: As has been mentioned in other comments, the first page is the most egregious of the mistakes when it comes to grammar. There are a few pages that have minor misspellings or incorrect punctuation but it in no way prevents this from being an enjoyable and immersive story. I suggest just taking a little time to go over and edit this because there isn't much and it'd make this already good story into something great. Other than that, my main issue is the lack of a proper conclusion. Mind you, for these reviews I only do one ending (bar any pre-mature deaths) in order to see that the path I chose still feels cohesive. So where I ended, a lot was unresolved. The war was still raging on, we don't know whether the princess will survive or not (though it is seemingly implied she's alive?), and we don't ever have a confrontation between the members of the first mission and having to capture the princess. All in all, I do feel like that could've been handled a bit better, even if you still planned to leave it on a cliff hanger.

Now on to the positives outside of world building. The characters were interesting (although a bit under utilized) and I enjoyed how each of them were fleshed out. They had unique personalities that allowed for them to feel believable inside the world you created. This also allowed for me to feel immersed in the story, which is exactly the goal of writing something in general. Stories are a form of escapism and this is absolutely doing that task. being immersed allowed me to feel the story and what the characters were experiencing! That connection is so vital to a good story. Now, as the last thing I want to touch on, it feels a bit underwhelming but is arguably the driving force of this story. The set-pieces fit so well and are described in a way that makes them easy to picture and gives the story a nice flow to it. Scenery is something I find difficult to utilize personally so seeing you actually be able to craft scenes in the way you do is really awesome.

Overall, not bad! I definitely think this is worth a read and if it is ever edited/updated I will definitely go through it again!

The overall writing quality is superb, but the opening page is poorly done. Since I’ve read Ebon’s featured story, The Lost Realm, I knew the opening would not be reflective of the overall piece. Still, it’s pretty bad. To be honest, if I didn’t read Ebon’s writing before I’d probably stop reading here. Luckily, it gets better. Way better.

A couple things that I must applaud Ebon for is his world building and descriptors. The CYOA writing style makes it easy to fall into bland clusterf*ck of “you” actions (you go here, you feel bad, etc.). It is not so with A Chosen Hero. Right away I’m thrust into a world of rigorous training, which shows the importance of the main character and his father. It also shows that they (more importantly, the MC) have the skillset and characteristics of a hero. Granted knowledge isn’t necessarily a heroic trait on its own, but the discipline behind it is. As for world building, I’m a fan of both natural introduction and deeper, in-depth background pages. This story has both. Yay.

The cabin in the woods story made it seem like a fairy tale. It involves a mysterious cabin, a man that no one’s heard of or seen, a princess, and the illusionary element of safety. Not to mention the poor choices made by children, but I guess that’s expected. Kids are fucking stupid. The MC isn’t, but I understand that the thrill and company of the princess could’ve outweighed common sense.

As far as introducing conflict and progressing the story, A Chosen Hero excelled. I enjoyed the sudden shift from fairy tale perfection into absolute nightmare. And can I just mention the text change while reading your father’s note is a cool element to include. Anyways, the beginning story is blissful happiness until things go very wrong, very fast. The dynamic character shift of Alessa was a ‘fun’ journey too.

Overall it’s an intriguing story done masterfully in a CYOA format. Worth reading.

The writing was good, but there were some mistakes. However they didn't end up detracting from the experience (for me at least).

From what I found this seems to be pretty linear, but the 'non standard game overs' are still proper pages, glimpses into what if scenarios, if you will.

There was also a lot of writing, the world seems to be pretty rich and the characters seemed to be pretty unique. It didn't feel like they were just there to advance the plot.

Honestly, this is one of the better stories out there. I encourage you to give it a read, just don't expect massive branching paths.

With that said, I'm hoping for more from this author, this storygames proves they can write well, and the more they write the better it'll become.

I also rather liked some of the universe lore (this is what I'm calling it), it seemed pretty well thought out.

TL;DR
A storygame that is not very heavy on the choosing part, but is still definitely worth the read.

It’s a good story but very linear

Not really a choice story when only one choice let's you continue reading.

I enjoyed the story. It was adequately fleshed out and had suitable thoughts, emotions, maturity, and everything else a human would feel throughout life. The options were also realistic to a degree and I found myself experiencing the story with my own mind and body. Excellent work!

oh beep that was good

There's only one choice. The other choices are there, but they'll kill you on the next page. This isn't even a choose-your-own-story kind of book, it's just an ordinary book that doesn't belong on this website. The plot is also boring. Don't read this, not worth your time.

Very nicely done

I loved the story but why such a cliff hanger. I really hope you will continue this story either one this one or on a new one.

Awesome story, Man!

HOPE there is a sequel

Awesome!!

It was a very good story. I would recommend it to anyone.

Only one thing... I would have enjoyed a victory by choosing the curse, It just feels a bit biased to just make someone lose by choosing the curse, sometimes people want to have a complex darker protagonist. 7/8 tho.

this is a very good story

lame

its great

I like it, but it would much better if the reader and Raven survived, got married, and then had a family. Hell, if the reader wants to be with Raven, then let them, and also survive. If the reader doesn't get to be with the one they want, then the story just turns to bullshit.
No offense, EbonVasilis, but you better do a hell of a job revising the intimacy moment between the reader and Raven. And if the reader wants to be with Alessa, then you should have made it so that the story continued, and didn't just end after the reader makes through everything and talks to the Man who is quite possibly the Creator.
EbonVasilis, if you ever read this, you better revise it. Just do it, please. I figured that when I played it the first time, that I would just get to be with Raven, then you severely disappointed me by practically saying to my face, "Too bad, you and Raven get slaughtered in your sleep! Go try again!"

The story is captivating and its well-written. 10/10 would recommend, curious for a sequel!

There are too many fake choices that all lead to death, whats the point of half the choices if they lead to death for noe reason? I'm not talking about he obvious pitfall choices, I mean the reasonable choices that opened so many more opportunities for the storyy

This story earned a 8/8 in my mind. Absolutely great! I will admit that I had to go back a page coupkle of times to 'revive' myself, but I got a good ending in the end. The writing was fabulous! Great job!

Very thought and perception of reality changing it makes me think i like it alot

My longing for fantasy makes it an thrust quencer

okok

it feels like i have to go a serten way to go and i cant choose what to do

Wow that was really amazing. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors, but not enough to really take away from the story. The plot was fantastic. Please make another

:) This is so awesome! This would make an awesome series! So awesome!

I guess I kind of like it. Meh.

Wow really impressive writing (: it’s like a better and more intelligent Harry Potter it is like C.S. Lewis style. This would make an awesome movie! (: The sword fights are so well described I feel like I can see them happening. I would love to see a sequel (: AWESOME (:

Nice, but I wish the Kiss Raven ending continued and not let us die

It was good but had a very linear plot line and a fair amount of grammar error. I felt like any wrong choice lead to death. However, it had a very interesting plot if you chose the right path.

This was awesome!! I was constantly on the edge of my seat, wondering if I was going to die, and I did, twice. But it was awesome nonetheless.

Amazing. I wish it was longer but still... simply amazing. I have written many short stories myself (for awards and stuff like that), and your writing impresses me. Fantastic.

My heart breaks for Alessa. It's a shame that she died. Well, this was fun - aside from my heart being torn into pieces, RIP Alessa - while it lasted. Keep it up.

I liked it....feels like it is in dire need of a sequel, really dire. But it was entertaining and other than my previous comment about the impossibility of a blow to the nose being lethal there didn't seem to be any flaws at all in this story. Well done....But once again, points off for the nose thing.

Slight spoiler,

In the duel with Ashyr, defence over offence option. You can't kill someone by hitting them in the nose, the nose is made of cartilage which does not have enough tensile strength to fracture through the skull into the brain, this is a myth. Even if your brain was made entirely out of bone the pieces would not be nearly long enough to penetrate the cranium. This is an anatomical impossibility and there is no way you could die from a blow to nose in this manner. Minus points for inaccuracy.

Damn, this was good

Loved this! it was great. Died like 100 times but after many times i managed to end the game without dying! Thanks so much for making this story. I enjoyed it very much!( I gave it an 8)

hahaha... you have no idea about what is like to be cursed. You think life would end so easily for one who is cursed? If one dies young I would say that person is blessed. Live through life with all your loved ones dead and a hopeless life with no future. Maybe then you'll know how it is to grow old as a cursed old man. ;)

awessome....i hope it could have been longer....try and make a sequel

That was such a good story! I really hope there's a sequel to the story, and if there is, maybe some new powers, such as a "The Weapon"(for offense) and "The Wall" (for defense)?

Also, just read through the Cursed.....branch. Even though the deadline is over you could still unpublish the story and expand on it if you want.

(Spoilers Ahead)

The Cursed branch could lead to an interesting storyline, for example. The Holy Order tries to have the character executed and the father saves him, taking him out into the wilderness. Then maybe he trains the character to survive being hunted by the Holy Order and the Kingdom. It could be a nice story about a father and son coming to grips with horrible circumstances set outside their control. Just a thought but do whatever you please with the story.

Pretty good length, too linear though.

Very good story!

I have mixed feelings about this story. You've got a good plot set in a well-developed world with plenty of exposition and a nice cast of characters. There are plenty of fantasy tropes included in the mix - a Chosen Hero, a princess, fighting against assassins, civil war - all of which are reminiscent of medieval fantasy and very enjoyable to read about.

That's where it ends, however, because there are simply so many flaws with this story. I wish this wasn't the case, but there's just so much squandered potential which prevents this from being something better.

Grammar and writing style are the top of the list. What on earth is with that first page?

Your first page needs to grab the reader's attention and hook them into the story. What is this? Three lines of bad grammar which tells us nothing? Fragmented sentences and typos? I mean...why?

The story's really not that bad at all, but that first page just gave me such a bad first impression before it even started. I actually think that the first page should be removed, if not completely rewritten. It just lowers the reader's hopes drastically. (Unless they have some really, really low standards for stories.)

Okay, after that first page (which is repeated in your story description, and isn't any better), we have the actual story. There's still tons of grammar mistakes everywhere, and it really needs to be cleaned up if you want a higher rating.

For the most part, however, it's alright. It didn't blow me away or anything, but it's okay. I liked the world you set up. It felt pretty generic, but the Holy Order was interesting and it's always nice to read about fantasy settings with a religious aspect involved.

I wasn't really impressed by the Man. I guess he's implied to be the Creator, but he's introduced as this guy who wants to meet you and the Princess in some...cabin. Alone. Some guy you've met before when you were a kid. Sure, we met God in a cabin. I get that he has some "mortal disguise" or something, but it could have been presented better.

Now, I know a few people have criticised the linearity of this story. Yes, it's linear. Yes, there's practically only one set path, and you can't even kiss someone without dooming yourself to fail. You can't refuse to rescue the princess, and every wrong choice results in death. Hell, you can even die in training.

However, I can see that you do have a lot of content, even on this fixed path, and I appreciate that there were time constraints. Maybe you had more planned for the other paths (especially if you chose the Curse, it would have been a really interesting route to see) and you just weren't able to implement it before the deadline. It would definitely improve the story however.

I have a minor complaint about the optional backgrounds - such as "New Friends", meeting Raven, etc. These are optional, right? The reader doesn't have to click on them. They're just for exposition purposes.

...except that the reader DOES have to click on them, and they have to do so in the right order, or nothing will make sense.

If I click them out of order, Raven is mentioned out of the blue and I have no idea who she is. If I click the last option too early, then my character suddenly knows what triggers the Blessing to activate, even though he shouldn't.

Why are we introducing Raven in an optional choice, even though she's an active character in the rest of the story? These are links for background and exposition. Not for introducing a new character!

Okay, the fight scenes. I thought that they were well done. A little drawn-out sometimes, but I liked reading them, and I can see that you put a lot of work and description into them.

Somehow, I didn't get the feeling that my character was a very good fighter. Maybe it's the linearity of the story, like how choosing to defend yourself will actually kill you, but it felt like he sucked. He kept on relying on his Blessing.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could win through my own strength and combat prowess alone? Through my own skill and training? Half the time I'm just relying on the almighty Blessing.

I liked the characters but they seemed rather lacking at times and received little development (aside from Alessa). I liked Ashyr for some reason and wish that he could have been expanded upon.

In the end, the story felt a little unfinished. We survive and get to see the Man, and everything ends on a cliffhanger. It's rather unsatisfying, especially for a medieval fantasy setting, but it's better than nothing.

Overall, I did enjoy the story, despite its many glaring flaws. It was the plot and setting that kept me reading, but the writing itself is sloppy and needs a lot of improvement. Having more than one path, as well as fewer deaths, would definitely boost your rating. Even if all you do is add a separate plotline for the Curse route, it would make a huge difference.

The story kept me hooked to the end, but it's way too linear to be called a CYOA, and the ending is a terrible cliffhanger, leaving so many questions unanswered and so many possibilities unexplored, especially with Alessa. I understand that this is probably due to the time constraints of the contest, but that's not a good enough excuse in my opinion. I was also led to believe that our power was defensive, so I tried playing defensively in my first battle. 4/8

it was good but I wish the main carector and the girl kissed

Mannnn... I want moarrr Come on... Dont leave us like this....

Very well-written story, from start to finish. However I was slightly bummed that the story was too linear: there was only one path that readers could take. Perhaps add a story path for the curse, or allow more romance options? Overall still good.

Love it! Highly recommended