7/28/2015

3/2/2026 1:47 AM

575

2

0 wins / 1 loss

Architect

Hues of Infection

"Verde is the closest."

"Then contact them, now!"

"The OERF has already reached out; Verde accepted their call."

"Good."

"That damn facility, I knew we never should've allowed it operate in such an incognito manner!"

"Let us hope for a clean resolution."

"What a mess."

"CO says the shuttle has landed."

"Putting all our trust in one Remroid...what could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey - it's worked out before. Let's not start doubting them now."

"Oh, I do hope for their success."

"Don't we all?"



Written for the Damned and the SHAMED contest (by Mizal). Results here!

Be warned, there are some technical bugs ahead. I hope they don't find you. Sorry.

The Capi's Band & the Missing Instruments

coauthor

Entry into End Master's Manifest Destiny Contest (2021).

A stand-alone sequel to: Elvis At The Beauty Contest.

Join Miz, Matt, and Mandy as Madame Coon recounts the tale of the Capi's band and their missing instruments!

First of Trillions

unpublished

Entry into the 24 Hour Storygame Comp (https://chooseyourstory.com/forums/the-lounge/message/31075)!

Take on the role of an abnormality.

The feedback is appreciated! My personal concern is that I will either ramble and make the reader despair, or I'll be too vague and make the reader despair. However, for something with this short a timeline, I didn't stress about which way it'd end up leaning. Having the delayed choices (confusion/anger) was not the best idea, since as you've noticed, it doesn't really matter. There were plans for having a split when confronting the city leadership based on your dominant emotion. Anger ending in violence but confusion having more (potential) revelations. However, it does change one ending, where you try to be truthful. The priestess kills you if your emotion is anger, while with confusion you get baited with the promise of a cool scene that never happens (because the story just ends instead). The way the eggs played out was probably the (second) biggest shame (with the biggest shame being the endings). There was going to be a third split: Kill, Learn, Wander. With Learn (the cut path) having some way to save the one egg. Speaking of cut content... the very first page was ALSO going to be a choice. Attacking the contraption, covering the bomb with your form, or trying to save the eggs. The two that were cut would've had time skips. Obviously not much planned for them, but trying to break the contraption would've had your remains found by some other nation, while sacrificing yourself would you have you wake-up in a sorry state, being dragged by one of the kin you saved (after they grew older) in an attempt to take you somewhere to be fixed/healed. Maybe if I planned a little more initially I could've then focused solely on writing, and been faster at it. Then again, maybe the real answer is to think less and write more. Will need to try the two approaches. The endings do feel incredibly weak to me. I did write some short notes about ideas how to expand most of them (having some sort of epilogue for those that end too abruptly... which is all of them excluding the identity theft one). But enough about what I didn't write! I have a very easy thing to focus on improving for next time (the endings). This competition was definitely one of the better things to willingly join. You learn a lot writing something to completion! In fact, these seem like a good place to experiment with all sorts of things.

Was hoping to flesh out the endings, mainly tack on more proper epilogues so things feel more narratively satisfying, but something came up so I'll just submit what I have:

• First of Trillions.

(Who knows, maybe I WILL have the time. There's at least one epilogue I really want to get in to justify the title. But hey, mysteries are good as well. I'll save the rambling thoughts for later, since I definitely do have more to say about this!)

When Mystic enters with 100k words despite needing to study for an exam, I just need you to remember -- it is all Suranna's fault!

A hunt for information!? How do you expect me to come up with information that would actually be interesting to hunt for- WAIT A SECOND! The information doesn't need to be found. Perfect! Good luck to everyone participating in this totally consequence free friendly competition. I hope someone submits a million words! (Jokes aside, the prompt is pretty good)!

Funnily enough I did see the thread earlier. Was thinking about how writing something and entering without announcing intent to enter would be good and smart and risk free and... Well, no use dwelling in the past. I do think it is a good idea. Just have to avoid trying to write an epic.

I did really want to publish another solo work first before looking at coauthoring something, but then I saw this SLANDER! Coauthoring has great potential! Yes, there are new challenges too, but they can be overcome! So, to stand in support of coauthoring, I'm happy to be in the author pool (if I get selected -- which at time of writing looks likely). Due to timezones, I'd ask to be excluded from the contestant selection. Not answering questions could be funny, but not asking them would be bad for the thread. I do wonder what the romantic prompt will be. Personally, I view romance as one of the harder genres to write (or to write well at any rate). Looking forward to seeing how this TV Show will go!

"Know thy enemy and know yourself;"

- Sun Tzu

Featured Reviews 2/2

1. Hues of Infection
2. The Lord of the Rings: the Sundered Kingdom

Story C

Maybe it's just me, but I think reduced ellipses use might be an easy way to improve the writing. (Their impact is stronger if not overused -- I also suggest keeping a consistent length, no need for four dots instead of three).

Then again, I was in the ellipses thread not long ago, so I might just be scarred. Still, while I can forgive the kid for using them, did you have to end the story with ellipses?

The ending felt conclusive, which is good. There's a message too! Emotions are present as well!

Keep at it! Biggest thing I recommend is to read more alongside writing more. Not a unique tip, and it can probably apply to me as well, but there's a reason 'read more' is popular advice for writers, aha.

Story D

The Zebra God reveal felt weak, because it felt like exposition. I wonder if you could reword this to be a bigger moment. A bit more of back and forth might work? Or, maybe introduce the Zebra God when they show up, and till then leave it nebulous (tho easily inferred).

Humour is hard to write, and I'm not the best judge of it, but I can say the style was consistent. I wonder if a gradual descent into madness would work better, not that this didn't have an escalation of its own.

Driving all the way home from Africa was weird, ruined my suspension of disbelief a little. The ending is also odd saying 'black or white' when the Zebra God called you out as specifically as 'NEITHER WHITE NOR BLACK', but this is beginning to be nitpicking.

Good job on having a message! Ending was also conclusive, but it didn't feel paced well to me. Maybe a little sudden? Or perhaps the all caps rubbed me the wrong way.

I believe that, with a lot of careful consideration, this could be a very funny and good story if it were written with a lot of thought and profound insight, but alas, I don't feel this is the case. Still, good job on writing it.

Vote

My vote is for Story C. If both story's were written with a lot of thought and profound insight, I think I'd still like C more. But who cares about that, because currently, I still like it more. Good job to both contestants for submitting something (tho more of a good job to one of them than the other, but I won't say who)!

Story A

I like it. I also like to have tall expectations for short stories, so my main critique is about the ending.

If the short story ends with me wanting to read more, that is certainly far from bad, but I'd much rather it have a satisfying ending (which I admit is hard to do).

I wonder if there is a way to frame it so it lingers more on Yelas' emotions, making that the focus of the ending as opposed to the question of if he'll succeed. By ending with the brand, the magic homing signal, and potential of succeeding, my thoughts move to thinking about how the story could be longer.

Ending with a focus on something more intangible, like emotions, or a message about self-sacrifice for the greater good (or whatever else you prefer) would potentially make for a stronger ending.

Then again, I'm hardly the one to talk up themes and messages when I barely think about them during my own writing (if at all). Still, I think this is the best thing for me to offer up as critique.

Story B

At the mention of 10,000 monster trucks, I was getting ready to complain about tone or choice of comparison, but then the capybaras struck.

So, ignoring that reaction, once I started comparing the two, I quickly realised something. I love dialogue! Give me dialogue! This was good dialogue.

Anyway, the ending for Story B felt stronger to me. The pills turning them into capybara's wasn't too surprising, but I was expecting it to be poison (so I could complain), so what we got instead is much preferred. Tone was handled well actually, far as I can tell now that I've read it all.

Vote

So, I vote for Story B. What feels like a more conclusive ending + more dialogue is why, but Story A was still good, and maybe I would've even voted for it if I was in a different mood (who knows). Good work to both contestants!