Player Comments on A day in the life of a rich girl

If I was a rich girl (na, na)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold, and I know

If I was rich girl (na, na)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

I'd get me four Harajuku girls to (uh huh)
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names (yeah)
Love, angel, music, baby
Hurry up and come and save me

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold, and I know

Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it's all love
What, give it up
What (shouldn't matter [Repeat x4]), what
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it's all love
What, give it up
What (shouldn't matter [Repeat x4])
What happened to my life
Turned upside down
Chicks dat blew ya mind, ding, it's the second round
(Original track and ting, mmm)
You know you can't buy these things (no)
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B., I rock the fetish
People, you know who I am

Yes ma'am, we got the style that's wicked
I hope you can all keep up
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
Now we ain't gettin' nothin' but love

If I was rich girl (na, na)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

Half this game seems to be author notes in the title or text, and that is distracting.

This storygame is incredibly short. Nothing very interesting seems to happen, other than eating breakfast and checking your dress for some 'mus.'

It needs proofread, since there are typos and grammar errors and even basic capitalization mistakes on almost every page.

Now, there is a small bit of potential. Life as a rich kid and having to choose between security and riches or freedom is a decent plot bunny. And the setting seems to be fairytale-esque or historic, which brings in some good possibilities for intrigue.

But there needs to be more interaction with other characters and higher stakes to the plot. Also, a bit of realism wouldn't hurt - no one goes to "five tea parties" in a day. It would help if it was a slightly more plausible version of what being rich would be like. Something more like visiting hours, school, then one event in the evening would make for more of a structured plot.

Okay, I'm going to start with the things I liked. There's not much. The amount of characters were nice, but because there were only a few pages, I couldn't really form a connection with any of them. The main character herself has no personality either. Maybe make her have a trait that isn't being rich? Like if she's vain, or nice, or even a Pauper/Princess swap story where she and a poor girl swap places.

On the topic of the main character, it says in the summary that she lives in a family of seven, but we don't meet any siblings/grandparents/etc? Let's go with those family interactions! Or not, you could always have them be neglectful or mean.

Your introduction was cute! I like your enthusiasm. However, for people who just came for the story, they might get annoyed. Next time, try putting your comments to the reader in an optional author's note!

There were a lot of misspellings and punctuation errors. You might benefit from either a spell checker or another person (beta reader) to look it over before posting. Grammar is pretty simple too, which isn't a bad thing. You might want to look through some of the writing articles in Help and Info, though, to polish your story even more.

There's not much of a story to this? The concept itself is nice, but there's nothing more to it. No twists or anything. You go through a life of a rich girl, so exactly what it says on the tin. There definitely could have been more; when the main character says she's too busy to do anything, you could have her disguise herself as a commoner so she can do more. Or maybe have her find out a secret about her heritage (magical girls? witches? secretly a princess of a foreign land? kidnapped at a young age?), although this is a modern adventure, so maybe no magic. There's a lot you can do.

Also with the Mistletons too. They're only mentioned on two pages. They could be so much more, like a family of knights or assassins that are supposed to protect the main character, etc.

There's no much in choices, but you seem to have an understanding of how the editor works. You can only go up from here, Quail.

Ultimately, I'm going to have to give this a 2, but if you decide to add more, I'll be here and ready to review! :) Good luck! Hope to see you again! (I'm interested in that other story you have in the works too, Solo Tia? Take the advice from this story and make that story series pop!)

Well I gave you a 2 out of 8, but mainly because it is your first storygame and I don't want you to leave and never try again.

Everything from now on is my personal opinion on the game and may contain spoilers. You have been warned.

Firstly, like someone already mentioned, you missed the capitalisation on the first page. The rest of your gramar is kept very simple. If it is correct I will not judge since I am also quite bad at that.

About the storytelling itself:
The scenery is described very poorly. You should always try to add more detail into it so the reader feels immersed and can make himself a mental picture of the world he is reading about. The characters have a severe lack of depth to them. they nearly never talk. We have no idea about the personality of the protagonist.
The game also lacks dialogue where the reader feels like he is interacting with other people. There is no real choice either. You could have tried to make that one choice more significant. Maybe at least letting the protagonist meet certain people. Or maybe even miss the ball and meet a new dear friend or something.
There is also only one ending and it is not satisfying to reach since its just a short page with like three sentences to describe you have a nice time at the ball.

My conclusion:
There isn't happening anything interesting and exciting. This feels more like something out of a book you read to very small children.

First, your grammar is bad, Bad punctuation, You started your game without capitalization. Several Beutiful and other pearls. Then 600 words and those 600 words half are wasted in stupid warnings.

I suppose you have 7 or 8 years old so I will try to be helpful, for someone less than 8 your plot is not so bad, at least is coherent. When you had to wait for publish the editor have to warned how abysmaly under level your game is being probably the shortest story ever.
You have to take time, thinking the plot and adding a thing called choices who derived in meaningful way in several endings. I really recommend you read the Gower articles in the article section. That and read, read similar stories. Anything you add will mean a big improvement compared with this.

Hi! I am the creator of this game, and it is my first one. Hope you liked it!!!