Camelon, The Dramatist

Member Since

9/12/2019

Last Activity

1/22/2020 3:43 PM

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550

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516

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1

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Storygames

Featured Story The Book of Vanishing Tales
The muses are gone. They sacrificed themselves to save Sandrella from cataclysm, and all that is left of them are drained, stone husks, and a ring of dust orbiting the world. Your wife was one of them.
But with them went all the dreams and the permanence of stories. And now, forty years later, it seems memory is next.
Though an old storyteller with little to your name, you must undertake a long journey to the Grove of the Muses, hoping to rekindle the flames that once burned inside you, before you can't remember them at all.

Recent Posts

What do you eat? on 1/18/2020 1:22:55 AM

Washington State. I eat a lot of frozen food and cook with frozen food a lot as well. I also cook with fresh ingredients, or a mix. When it comes to canned food, I mostly eat stuff like soups or salmon/tuna or used canned ingredients like water chesnuts. Canned pineapple is usually O.K. as well. I don't like most tin canned veggies because of the flavor the can gives them, though, so prefer frozen or fresh for stuff like corn and spinach and the like. Stuff canned in a jar is generally good. Like jarred orc eyes - pretty tasty.
 


new and improved on 1/16/2020 9:03:19 PM

Lol, how did I miss this? I think I was around 4 months ago. I didn't get really into the forums until I found Gower's Tally Ho thread, though.


new and improved on 1/16/2020 8:04:03 PM

I'm glad you fixed the capitalization, but note that you also have lines where there is no space after the periods:
" after day.Until the incident.It started like any other day in the camp."

Other things:

1) Make a new paragraph any time setting, time, person speaking, or subject changes.

2) Avoid run on sentences. " He was working in a quary like every day until a guard comes up and knocks him in the back of the head makeing him kneel from the pain making him see stars across his vision "

Try pacing it out, using periods and commas. "He was working in the quarry, inching a heavy load of rocks, when something like a fist hit him in the back of the head. He kneeled, howling in pain. His vision whirled with stars. Someone grasped his wrists and tied them with rough rope, then shoved a bag over his face."

3) Try to make your character more interesting than just "everything horrible happens to him." Was he separated from his parents? Did he have siblings? Is he defiant, or does he try to keep his nose down? Is he angry, jaded, or despairing? Etc.

4) Consider your consistency. Part of this is you are rushing through the plot points, but it's hard to make sense of his actual situation. When you say he is "tortured every day" that makes me think he's literally tortured by a mad doctor or Nazi every day. But then you show that his "every day" world is working the quarry. That's certainly slavery and abuse, but not what people normally think of with the word 'torture' which implies a more personal aspect. Also, the idea of a van parked in a concentration camp quarry just comes off a bit strange.

5) Watch your use of clunky, passive, and overly described action verbs. While you can use them, here they are over-used and drag down your action. "then felt," "was hauled," "was then drug out," "Finally came to a stop," etc. " He then felt someone bind " can simply be "someone bound," "finally came to a stop" can simply be "the van stopped," and "was then drug out" could be "hands dragged him out."


FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY on 1/16/2020 7:20:31 PM

I was going to go through this when I got some free time, but it looks like you pretty much covered everything! The main issues for me were the tense shifting and some minor grammar issues, and sometimes it was a little confusing what was happening, but overall I thought it was pretty interesting, exciting, and a great first draft.

One quick thing, your comment here is actually incorrect: " You cast two minor good vocabularycantrips: a spell of perception, which will restore some of your hearing;comma, not semicolon and a minor haste spell, which quickens your pace "

The semi-colon is correct. If items in lists following a colon have internal commas to describe them further, then you separate items in the list with semi-colons instead. E.g:

"The bus makes three stops along First Street: at the school, by the track field; at the gas station; and at the park, where I plan to get off."
 


Interesting comments 4 on 1/16/2020 7:06:20 PM

I think he missed the whole point that most people *were* giving you a high rating, and even Bill had given you a 4 before he changed it to a 1 ;) And that Gower and Ogre were goofing off, not literally 'shamed' - so much gets skewed/mis-interpreted on the internet.

Still, an oddly enteretaining side-drama.


Introduction on 1/16/2020 4:59:47 PM

Wasn't me. But this is why you shouldn't have your first choice lead to certain death on one path - even if you threw in another choice of how you die. Some users will give automatic 1s for that.


2019: Objective Weighing of Value thread on 1/15/2020 10:07:11 PM

There's a contest to write a Ressurection-themed story on Infinite Story right now. Apparently they even have variables now, which would have been so useful during the Battle in Ancient Ruins competition.


2019: Objective Weighing of Value thread on 1/15/2020 8:55:07 PM

Just read a Bard's Tale, it's great! Need to re-read it a few times. I like that the choices also rhyme, very cool.


Introduction on 1/15/2020 8:48:53 PM

I left a review but just realized it says "few" instead of "first" - so that might be confusing. It's fine to have a game with a few (or even many) choices that lead to death. But try to avoid, if you can, having the first choice leading to certain death (even buffed by a choice of how you die.)


2019: Objective Weighing of Value thread on 1/15/2020 1:13:28 AM

I didn't realize Bill_Ingersol and some others were that new, too.

Or that I'd cracked the top ten list for Architects, fun! Now, who do I need to assassinate...

Also, I really need to finish Blade of the Hollow on IS. I think I set it back to private, for now. I need to finish the endings. Eventually I plan to copy it over to here and add in the content I couldn't put in because of the deadline.