Player Comments on A World War

I like the start of this story but the problem is it sounds a bit... anecdotal. Writing Historical Fiction is tricky because to be done well these shocking historical events have to form the backdrop for the reader's character to deal with his own social, personal, religious issues and for the other things to happen to him. History can be part of the plot but there must be other things motivating the main character (patriotism is ok but it's not the most exciting of all possible motives).

To give an example take the film Titanic. The ship sinks and lots of people die but that's not the main story, the main story is Jack and Rose and Billy Zane trying to kill them, the Titanic is their world but the drama is first their love and then their trying to survive. Or take the Sharpe series, that's well historically researched but the main character Sharpe always has a particular plot in each book (usually hunt down an enemy or sometimes carry out a special mission that brings him into contact with dangerous foes, unexpected allies, beautiful women etc). To breathe life into your story think what your main character can be doing in his career (maybe he finds out he has a brother who has gone missing in action on such and such island?)

It's a little rich of me to give this advice btw cause my historical stories are basically simulations of actual events but I guess they only really appeal to people already interested in that history while historical fiction appeals to anyone interested in thrillers, romances, mysteries etc... I really need to widen my writing range at some point.

Anyway, this is a good start and it'll be interesting to see where you go with this.

It's kinda confusing once it gets to the bar scene... so the game is supposed to end no matter what I drink or drink or not??

absolutely terrible

It was honestly quite delightful I believe though for the marine side of the story that you please put in more for it like how he got in and how he did training

It had some historical inaccuracies. It was a good start to a potential story, but I felt that it wasn't much of a war story. No action, no mentions of the war other than the mention of "japs" and one scene that ended the story. It's a good start, but the title is misleading. More research is needed.

Doesn't go anywhere



At all.

There's just not much to it. It's not very well written, honestly, and I doubt you did much research on the time period.

TOO SHORT
IT ALL FELT LIKE A TUTORIAL/INTRO!

Alright, I want to say this now, about not publishing demos, I had this un-published for a long time, so I could just work on it, and there were a few people who didn't like the fact I did that, which is why I re-published it, so people could freely go back to it.

Why i dont understand

I was ready to get to Guadecanal as a US marine, and it just ends?

Also, you shouldn't publish demos.

It was confusing, but obviously hard work was put into it. It was a pretty okay game.

It was intentional, I again have had poor interest in writing so I added a /few/ pages. I know I'll finish the story at some point, but as of now you're looking at a slow progression.

Links ending at the "Walk over to the bar" Was this intentional?

Well I started to like it, and then for my Marine side it just ends. I was ready to go to war, but it just ended instead. Overall not a terrible game.

I do not find this at all to acurate, I think your story could have been better and though your grammar was alright, you still should have made your pages longer with great detail.

Also make sure to be very accurate for the second world war! Why 1941? Where exactly am I? Why am I here? What led to me doing so and so? Details boy! Details!

If this is as much as you can do I assure that you have potential you just need to make a longer detailed story.

Thank you both for the comments, and I'd like to tell you both. This is more or less a demo of a full project. Your feed back will let me change it. If you want a civilian's prospective I can do that. Also remember, this is short because I just wanted to see If people were open to the idea its self.

It needs to be longer, and I feel like you should allow the reader not to join the military and live through the war from a civilians perspective, I think that would be cool too. Your writing is great and you can make great stories, they just need more length.

This reflects one of the things I hate on this website.. I get that this is part one, but that doesnt mean it has to be so dang short!