Player Comments on Cold Hands

It felt a bit like two stories that were not connected, the first was a school-based one with no clear direction while the second was a typical tragic love story. I think my favourite line was "that night unspeakable things happened" which is great for the imagination. What went down? A mute's convention? A mime's audition? A sleeping lions competition? :) It reminded of Gone with the Wind where the hero carries his wife upstairs and the camera fades to black... in a romance story don't be afraid to dwell a little on the physical side of the romance as well as the emotional as readers love that kind of thing :) Overall ok written but needs more consistency.

As Sethaniel pointed out below, this story lacks overall development, and suffers from issues related to pacing. It could be better by extending the overall story, and developing important plot points, while quickly reviewing (but not full-on explaining) minor events and such.

Overall, it's not too bad, since I have seen FAR worse. But, I will admit that some of my past homework assignments have been more fun than this story. So, I give your tale a 3/8.

There was some good description. The story stated off promising, but overall fell short.
the beginning need a little more setup- it took too long for me to figure out who the player was supposed to be. Too many choices where I don't know if I'm male or female, how old I am, etc.
More importantly, the pacing was way way off. You spent 90% of the story on the missing bag, talking to mom, little sister, snowball fight. Then within the space of three pages, I meet a guy, we fall instantly in love, and I die.
You spent a good amount of time building up the daily life of the heroine, and none at all on the actual romance,

The ending. ummm...

It was sad

Wait a minute. What happened?! When u do a surprise ending/twist there needs to be a neat segue leading to it. Because there was none, the last page feels like a completely different story. There were also missed chances for something interesting, -- eg. cold hands (is he a vampire?), the relationship continuing and becoming more before they have a child, etc.

I'm not sure how cheeks can "feel red."

It truly is interesting when you put 'The Date' X3

This was AMAZING

so sad

Really short.

What, I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to keep walking.

I died having a girl?

I liked it, there are just a couple grammar mistakes, and it's a little too short for me. Try to give it more detail, because it could use a bit more. But otherwise, it's really good, story-wise.

this happened to me too

whaaaaaaat? i died?!?

Not sure why I died no matter what):

I died? Why? Why so glum? Good story though.

Yeesh, I died!?!

Well written, few mistakes, if any, and quite sad. Nice job.

Too sad and short. It felt like clannad. Don't try and pull that off...

real toilet paper right there

Good for a second story. The plot didn't really have a nice....detail...to it, and I immediately lost interest on the first three pages or so. You need to check spelling, grammar, and add details when needed. Don't be so anxious to get to book published. Just read it over......and then do it once you have had revising and editing perhaps done by a co author or family member. Be strong and WRITE ON!

2/8

It was alright, I think longer pages and a few more lines on each page would make the story a 4/8. But on my opinion you deserve a 3. Sorry!

I would prefer you guys leave comments honestly,