Player Comments on FAILsafe

FAILsafe is a story that perfectly captures what Cyberpunk is meant to be, and for that I commend this exponentially. Everything from the mentioned tech to little details, such as the bullet-proof windows that don't quite work anymore that you touch on when talking about the police station, further implement the theme into the story and give it a futuristic feel to it. All in all this was a strong Cyberpunk piece. From here on out, I will be touching on specifics.

First off, the city. Everything felt extremely mapped out and cohesive, as if you took the time to physically draw out a sketch and solidify it in your mind. I felt I was part of a (not so) living world while reading and was truly transported to your empty city of companies and gangs.

I want to touch on your concept. Human consciousness being uploaded isn't original... but the way you weave it into this story and explain it makes it wholly unique. Especially since it is in an unprotected bank that a bunch of gangsters can simply waltz in and whisk away. Every portion of this story is well thought and fleshed out, including one off lines such as some company names and devices. Very well done.

Next up is your characters. Their descriptions are vivid and you really help me formulate them in my mind and actually begin to SEE them. This goes double for important characters such as Petey. In addition to that, they are also BELIEVABLE people. Great job capturing the essence of assholes and pussies.

Here's my first legit critique. Your dialogue feels a bit janky and disjointed at times. It was really either extremely on point or just below the mark and that left a weird sort of flow going on whenever characters spoke but it does nothing to lower the effectiveness of the character's presence nor does it harm the story line in any manner.

I would like to follow that up with another good thing! Your detail tie ins are wonderful, like referencing Petey's Meth Lab to understand a device you find later on instantaneously. It helps you really get into our character and be unraveling this mystery right along side him.

Here's my final bit of input before wrapping it up. I think the ending was kind of abrupt. Now, I get that this contest had a deadline and maybe you had to tie everything up real quick at the end but it just feels... sudden. You seem to pick up the speed of the mystery after the assault on the police precinct and that is in addition to the final choices being semi-anticlimactic. However, you did resolve the story and give closure to (most of) the plot.

As a whole, you did a great job crafting a story and this is definitely something I will play for an alternative result. The only real suggestion I'd have is keep writing! You can only get better from here!

I found this compelling, especially because it has a high amount of dialogue. Enough interesting concepts are peppered into the setting to keep it from getting stale, even though the concepts are mostly shuffled around. Its major drawback is the linearity, which has only a few options that all tie quickly back into the same plot line until the very last set of choices. I'd also say that the motive for the more evil of the last two choices is unclear, even though it tries to explain (it just seems too out of character).

Spelling and grammar are nice, with only a few blips along the way. It looked like there was some effort to tie into character background, e.g. the flashback with the MC's parents, but I don't find that part compelling since there was little time to attach to the character.

Overall, I'd say it's worth the read. The cyberpunk style is blaringly clear and the story's shortness helps you ignore the linearity, in a way. In an expanded version with branching and more depth on moral choices / character, I could give a 7. As it stands, I'm still giving a solid 6.

I’m a big fan of the intro. It thrusts the reader straight into the setting with an interesting hook. Starting with a heist reminds me of the opening for The Dark Knight. Right away it starts the story thrust upon a path, which may or may not be ideal start for a storygame (it’s hard to make crime a branching story), but as far as narrative go, it’s a strong opening. My only gripe with the prologue is that it’s very short and the explanation between NCB and what it stands for isn’t introduced organically. It being short may be by design, and is not necessarily a bad thing.

As the story progresses, I liked the description of the highway and it being like a jungle gym. That’s great imagery. I only question that lack of other cars in a cityscape at 7am. Like, why have the highway six lanes and overlapping if no one’s even there at a decent time (although there's no sun). Sorry to keep hammering this one page, but there’s something to notice with this section as well:

“You leave behind the apartment complex in the blink of an eye and enter the highway, a massive conglomeration of six-lane roads, overlapping and passing all around each other like a jungle gym. In fact, the highway roads are just about the only thing in good condition in the whole urban zone. You can see the sun lazily rising over the horizon, past the dense smog and towering superscrapers.”

The “in fact” should build from the previous statement or lay the foundation for the next. If, in fact, the roads are the only thing not shitty, there should be something to draw attention to how shitty everything else is. And assuming superscrapers is a new futuristic term, that's a nice touch. If it's not, it should be.

Now let’s focus on the main character, a rough, tough, possibly buff individual with a tendency for anger and urge to hit the bottle. A common enough type for the MC of a cop story, complete with a father who wore the badge as well. He’s the no-nonsense type with a disposition for the old fashioned, although someone he didn’t lock the deadbolt, something that I would think is in his character. No matter. The familiar badass, rule breaking cop is a fun character to follow, a Bruce Willis Die Hard type in a Blade Runner setting. We get some of the MC’s development with the torture scene (the place with the best descriptive writing in my opinion). Mixed with the harsh city and supervisor who’s a rule breaker himself, you get an idea of what molded the MC to who he is. The only comment I’ll have here is to introduce some more quirks earlier, things to draw us into the MC more. The car is a good example of that. Maybe one other thing would really hit it outta the park.

The story suffers from what a lot of contest entries do: linear progression. It’s not something that I’d like to see edited in, however. This story’s done, and I think the author should take the writing momentum into the next. It’s a quick, fast-paced story that doesn’t leave much lull in action, good for the crime setting, but, perhaps, detrimental to development and pacing. There’s not enough time for the reader to invest themselves before the next scene takes off. A few pages sprinkled in of R&R would do some good here, I think. Good entry to the contest, though, and the author should be proud of the work.

Huh? The first page, Prologue, lost me. A bank of brains. They’re worthless, yet they’re in a bank. A bank without guards. And then the bank was robbed by guys with guns. It was even pointed out that the guns were pointless, yet there they were. Was that an inside joke that I missed? Is it a reference I don’t know? Is it just there to confuse the reader? I have no idea. But hey, they also had armored briefcases… in the bank with no guards. Again, no explanation given. But they were fast. Based on that setup, I’m not sure why the same thing (whatever is was) didn’t happen a hundred times a day by some homeless guy in an old ratty Hawaiian shirt.

That said, the writing is good. The characters are there and consistent. I’m not completely sure I like that the main character is me, as then I’m now forced to take the actions that the main character takes, whether I agree with them or not. But at least it’s consistent.

There didn’t seem to be many options in this story, but the world seemed fine and relatively well developed. There did seem to be a few times when terms were used that appeared to be common in the universe, but since I’m not in that universe, I wasn’t all that familiar with them. Again, overall, this is a pretty nice story. Thank you for sharing it with the site!

Shortish, but sweet to play, I was actually pretty impressed here. The flow is largely railroaded, but the choices you have and the custom text (before being deposited, as far as I can tell) back on the main narrative is fun and has decent narrative momentum.

What I most liked here, and what I think is most worthy of the reader's time, is the prose style, which often has interestingly genre-appropriate style and figurative language that place the setting really, really clearly into cyberpunk land. Not just the description, but the narrative voice, which is a little gruff, a little arch, and a little above-it-all. This game has style, which, look, I didn't expect from Wizzy, but I learned something. Wizzy can write some stylish prose. Now my expectations are raised.

But man, learn how to write and punctuation dialogue!

"You flash him your badge, 'Any elevators that aren't watched by security?'" -- that only works if "flashing your badge" is a way of speaking.

"He jerks upright, 'Oh, an officer!..'" only works if "jerking upright" is a way to speak. And so forth. ("No, I'm fine, thank you," you leave behind.) The dialogue tags that aren't actually dialogue is *everywhere* here, and the "short phrase"+"comma"+"longer phrase" rhythm is everywhere too. It's cool when it works, but mixing up the rhythm is going to help you so much.

OK, Wizzy, you've raised my expectations. Now let's see something with interesting style that does some more serious branching.

I really liked the game all together, and how all the choices, especially the moral problems were presented. I also liked how I could really picture myself there. I wish there had been more information about the other side such as what regular people can and can't do, when it was created, and how many people exactly live there, but besides that, it was great.

*MONKEY NOISES*