12/17/2020

7/23/2021 10:53 PM

93

0

2 wins / 5 losses

Sage

A small mechanical bird that looks ambiguously like a copyrighted character from somewhere else flies through a window, only to be summarily destroyed by the warrior eunuchs. In its twitching beak is a tiny note that Cabagarth immediately runs over and snatches. "I'll be back. High priority," is all he says.

About an hour later he returns, wielding a SHIT-ENCRUSTED | AVENTURINE | SWITCHBLADE | OF PULCHRITUDE | WHICH WAS FOUND LODGED IN ELVIS'S ASSHOLE! He flips it around a few times in demonstration.

"Now this great artifact came from none other than The King! Not our king, but the musician from the future, who you'd all know about if you read the Future Times newspaper.

It's sharp! It's deadly! And it'll reliably give tetanus! The scent strikes fear in your enemies, and complements your own!" He looks at Ezekial and nods in agreement with himself.

"Now you asked about a friend! This blade is enchanted much like Friedbold's, by a wizard who uh, sells tarot cards and has taken a bit of a fall in life. But he says the money I handed him is totally going towards his future, and NOT the bottle this time!

Just what is that enchantment? The weapon is enchanted to tell you just how handsome you are! It can say a few other things, too. Listen." He holds out the weapon on his palm, closer to Ezekial.

"You look good today. And I've totally heard of you," it says.

"Amazing, right? Oh, and it says it only wants to be called Bae."

Welcome to the site! Feel free to ask for recommendations on what to read when you run out of things in obvious reach.

Ah, the pit. It doesn't smell good down here. Everyone said not to wear slippers while standing near the edge, but I was so curious why there were all those caution signs and, well, I can't change the past. More importantly, I read you're offering a way out, and I'm interested.

One expects the noise would be horrendous here, but all the ghouls and starving noobs appear to be sleeping. How long have they been that way? I can't seem to wake them at all. In fact, I think I'm the only one awake in the entire pit. There's a really crude dumbwaiter here, covered in such a mire of dirt that I scarcely recognized it. I hope the offering I found in there was recent, but in all likelihood, it's as old as the corpses at the very bottom of the pit. At least the pages looked neat.

In any case, I'm afraid this pen will run dry. Please, if you get this letter, respond! I'll also need a new pen and some paper.

Silence, I have more than enough of.

My nigga I'm trackin'. I just did this since it took under a minute to ctrl+f and replace a few lines of text, so whenever the next update goes out, this'll be in it

"Hmm...I've got it!" Cabagarth rushes to a cart full of scrap metal and nameless machinery. Riffling through spare parts, he pulls out a large, heavy-looking fan on the end of a metal stick.

"This fell on me once when I was having a misunderstanding with a mage of the wild arts!" He reveals a Sawn-off | Saltpeter | Industrial Fan | Of Moon Gravity.

"It was difficult to hoist around while I was studying it, so I had it blessed with near-weightlessness by a fancy robed guy who was meditating on a lily pad. Weird, I know, but it's so light!" He demonstrates this by holding the fan -- taller than himself -- with three fingers.

"Normally, such power as this is contained by a guard, but that part has been sawn off and the blades sharpened for lethality. You simply turn it on by touching a button near the thumb." The fan roars into life, and members of the audience gasp at the intimidating whir. He turns it off.

"More yet, you can throw anything from sand to breadcrumbs in front of it and let the powerful breeze blind your enemies! There's a bag attached here you can fill with anything and it will empty in front of the spinning blades when they're going."

"There aren't a lot of these around, but it didn't cost me anything to get this and it's not what I usually sell off, so I don't have a lot of customers, y'know? So I'll part with it for real cheap. Oh, and the spinning power comes from this thing," he says, pointing to a big metal cylinder with + and - written on either side of it.

"Not sure what it is, but it does the trick!"

I say don't reset the scores. No need to beat back everyone else to square one just to deal in some fresh blood.

"Wait, now don't finish before you see what I have here!" a gnomish voice calls from outside the door. The guards let him in without a hitch this time. He dusts off his shirt and pants with one hand, carrying a strange instrument in the other. He seems to have regained his composure since he first saw the paladin show up, though he dares not make eye contact with the kobolds. "Sorry, I was temporarily indisposed to take care of pots. I created this while I was away." He holds up an instrument and begins to pull at the strings. "Why...did...the...chicken...cross...the...road," the instrument utters in a pale, magical voice as he plucks it. Everyone nearby looks fairly confused. One of the guards strokes his chin, pontificating deeply upon the question until at least he arrives at a meek "I'm not sure". Cabagarth nods knowingly. "With this Humming | Ivory-Embossed | Lute | Of Riddling, which you will have your bard play upon entering the necromancer's accursed lands," he pauses to look at the paladin. "Yes, yes, you would carry your own fanfare around," he mutters in thought. "Where was I? Of course...with your bard in possession of this lute, you are sure to confuse and disorient any and all who hear its perplexing questions! While they're distracted by the clever and many-layered tapestry of its queries, you're free to smite the necromancer by any conventional means, such as your favorite heirloom morningstar, or a bottle of trustworthy holy water at a discount price!" He makes a gesture as if to suggest he sells the latter one. "...And let me tell you, any necromancer worth his weight in dead crows will be listening to you through the ears of his undead minions, or some disturbing psychic spell! Which means he will be lost in thought in very little time!" "Finally, this instrument also works on the deaf. I have no idea why, but it does, as I've tested it on my cousin! Although he didn't really snap out of it after a few hours. So I'd suggest you keep it away from children and cousins!" he adds cheerfully.

Cabagarth begins to get a little twitchy and paranoid. First the kobolds catch on, then of course a paladin shows up. Obviously the intel was wrong, and the obscure, highly top-secret mission compromised.

"Oh dear, I just remembered I left the steam pot on," he excuses himself.

Thump! Thump! Thump! The door to the room shakes with the knocking, prompting some guards nearby to open it. After some squabbling about invitations, a short bespectacled man walks in, donning a pointed green cap and a mechanical arm.

"Hello friends, I apologize for my lateness. I had a failing worble-wheel in desperate need of oils. I'm sure you understand."

Everyone stares. A few blink.

"But!" he suddenly shouts, "I have finished my latest contraption. Behold!"

He drops a heavy wooden box on the floor with a heave, and pushes a button. Clicking sounds emanate from somewhere within as it vibrates. A spring in the bottom suddenly releases, flinging the box into the air, right next to one of the pirates. Lever arms shoot out of holes, clinching both sides of his drink, retracting it swiftly out of his grasp.

"What in the 'ell!" He shouts angrily. The box produces a small gout of steam and leaps back as the short man laughs mirthly.

"My friends, he says with a grin, this is a GNOMISH | SELF-REPAIRING | RUM FINDER | WITH MANY BUTTONS!" He presses a few of them, making the box return its captured drink. (At this point, the pirate mutters obscenities unfit for the children.)

"What more could a pirate need than an automatic rum finder! Leave it in port, or let it board a ship, and it will fetch and fill itself full with all the rum you need! It even has an attack mode where it launches itself at people! Observe!" One of the guards squints at him menacingly.

"...Or don't! But it does that too!" He gives a grandiose wave. "I spent a lot of time to make sure it was easy to use even for non-gnomes, so all the instructions fit on one page of papyrus!" He holds up a small sheet with surprisingly legible handwriting, clearly hired for the occasion.

"Oh, my name's Cabagarth. Dearly sorry, I almost forgot," he adds.

This is not what I was expecting to see when I logged in today