Player Comments on Harper's secret

Thanks for your help guys. I think I will wait a bit before I write more stories. My life is very busy lately and I need to focus on that. This is partially due to the holiday season. Anyways, thank you for your feedback and tips. I will take them into account in future stories.

I try to start with the positives in my reviews, but I'm kind of struggling to find one with this story. It was just too rushed. The story was non-existent, really. Grammar and punctuation were both in a world of hurt. The biggest, most grievous sin of all was that the quintessential aspect of the story, the fact that the dog could talk, was given no more focus than any other aspect of the story. That is supposed to be your hook. You did absolutely nothing with it.


So let's talk about the technical aspect of the writing. In modern conventions, it is standard to break paragraphs between speakers. This allows you to focus on content rather than repeatedly identifying the speaker. Even if that leads to a single line of text before moving to the next paragraph, you won't need to clarify who is speaking and you won't break the continuity of the conversation or description of the dialogue. It's a simple, near-foundational principle that you should embrace.

I noticed some issues with verb tense switching. Maintain consistency with past, present, and future tense in order to prevent confusion.


Another problem that you had was with punctuation while writing the dialogue. If someone is saying something but you continue the sentence, then use a comma rather than a period. "Someone is saying something," someone says. In this example, the sentence doesn't end after the quote, so a comma is used. "Something was said by someone." In this example, a period is used since I end the sentence with the quote.

As far as the creative side, you didn't really expand on anything. A talking dog is a starting point, and in your story, that's all we really got. There was nothing beyond that initial tickle. There was no purpose, no suspense, no surprises. No reason. If there is no reason, why include it at all, unless it contributes to the story in and of itself? Harper's secret isn't so much that her dog can talk, but that the reader won't really care that she can.

I'd recommend taking this story down and building upon it. 500 words, in theory, could tell a gripping and powerful story, but that would require a strong execution while adhering to the technical and creative principles that make a good story. This doesn't deliver in that it not only fails basic proofreading, but the substance of the story is vacuous, at best. You could improve this by adding more of <I>anything</I> to basically <I>everything</I>. Give each character more flavor by adding descriptions. Improve the dialogue by moving beyond the basic exchange. Provide a reason or purpose for the talking dog. Make the fact that the dog talks a secret for a reason other than "just don't" tell anyone.

I gave this story a 1/8 as a result of its many flaws.

It's great to see you writing, so don't be discouraged by this story's reception. Imagine it as if your story has been published (as a physical book) and it's now getting reviews. Keep in mind that the reviews you've got (so far) are there to help you.

Anyway, don't forget to edit. All of the best CYS writers go back through everything they've read and check for any errors (grammar, spelling, plot consistency). I suggest you invest more time into editing. It'll help a lot.

Okay, let's get the obvious out of the way. This is only 500 words, nothing really happens here and in no way does it need to be a 'part of a series'. That tag isn't for when you just get tired of writing and want to shove an unfinished story out the door.

The failure to proofread is pretty inexcusable as well considering how short it is. You've got like two sentences on each page and no branching I'm pretty sure you know that sentences should be capitalized.

And right, that no branching thing. You need choices that change the direction of the plot. That's the entire point of a CYOA.

'In this game you are Harper trying to figure out what to do with Lily, her dog who she figures out can talk.' is perfectly serviceable as a description of a story, but where's the actual story? There's nothing wrong with the idea and I'd actually like to see more children's fiction here, but you need to work out a full plot and then write a complete, polished story about it in order to pass minimum standards. This story will be taken down for low ratings once a few more people read it.

Well you started off with great description. You need to add more choices and more story. You did a great job with what you have written so far. Look at me I'm 35 and haven't written one storygame yet. I sure enjoy reading them though.

There was no real end to this story. I know it is supposed part of a series, but it should at least end at a place that makes sense.
The mechanics were not too good. The author forgot to capitalize several sentances, which was quite annoying.
Additionally, she seems to have missed the most important part of a CYOA. The part where you choose your own adventure. Every choice led me along the same path, and there was only one ending.
I would suggest the author take some time to rewrite this, and maybe it can turn out to be a pretty cool story.

It is okay I need to know what to do better if I can get help from one of the popular writers, that would be GREAT!??