Player Comments on Isotope 239

There are some persistent punctuation errors and the writing in some places got kind of sloppy--the Founders path in particular--but on the whole I enjoyed this. An actual plot with interesting things happening and events laid out in a clear manner is really all I ask for in these stories, and I got that here. (You'd be surprised how often people posting things here fail completely at it!)

The Dredges path was the superior one by far with an unusual main character and some more subtle choices leading to a variety of 'grey' outcomes, i.e. not hilariously bad or stupidly good. Not sure if the addition of radioactive monsters was really necessary in what was otherwise a fairly grim and realistic setting, especially since they didn't play any kind of part in the plot beyond being confirmed to exist, but I can tell someone's played a lot of Cataclysm anyway. (Thank you for at least leaving out the zombies.)

Now the Founders path however was the one I didn't care for at all. It felt rushed and sloppy, and was tonally kind of goofy and a mismatch from the other what with all the author asides. You did have a couple of those in the Dredges path too although they weren't as obnoxious, so consider this a formal request to not do that anymore, ever, unless what you're writing is actually a comedy. For this kind of story it just doesn't work and weakens any kind of serious effect you're going for with the rest of it.

There were a couple of other small plot issues. One thing that persisted across both paths was that the Founders seemed just a little too cartoonishly evil. Randomly murdering someone for picking up a radio signal and not caring at all that the Earth was still livable and what that would mean for them, just like making it clear to someone you're wanting to work for you that you consider loyal people who work for you utterly expendable, and immediately wiping everyone out if initially refused by one person...see, these kind of things make them look not only evil, but idiotic and blatantly self destructive in their willingness to screw over themselves just as much as anyone else, which in the end lessens the threat they pose. Capable, seductive evil is always more interesting and believable as a threat than the obvious and incompetent kind.

Not a huge issue in this story either way but it's something to keep in mind for future ones.

Now just a couple of notes about punctuation, I didn't keep notes or anything for this read through, but the dialogue in particular had some persistent issues.

"Langan! Langan get Cass!" You shout standing. // "Langan! Langan, get Cass!" you shout, standing. (Or better yet, something more descriptive like 'surging to your feet.'

"Alright Don, but there are consequences to all of our actions." You say wheeling back. // "All right Don, but there are consequences to all of our actions," you say, wheeling back.

A comma always goes after someone is directly addressed, which you had in the second example but not the first. The dialogue tags are trickier, but just remember that something like 'you say' or similar is still part of the same sentence as the dialogue itself, so instead of ending the character's words with a period inside the quotation mark, use a comma and have the 'you say' lower cased.

It may be one of those things easiest to learn by looking up examples, either on grammar sites online or just open up literally any book with characters talking to each other. But a simple rule is that if the tag is something that doesn't work on its own as a sentence, 'you say', 'he asks' etc., then you end it with the comma and have the tag lower cased. (If the sentence is a question or exclamation, use those marks as usual but still with the lower case tags.)

If instead you're using an action to indicate which character is speaking: "Blah blah blah." You surge to your feet as the broadcast plays on. "Blah blah!" // Then it works as its own separate sentence and so you treat it as one as far as periods and capitalization go.

Anyway, there's room for improvement here, but aside from the punctuation and grammar, the issues were stylistic (Bucky went into some of that) and that's the sort of thing that tends to improve naturally with more reading, writing practice and time.

This is a good mixture of history and "SI-FI" of the world war two events, My high point as follows.

>Everybodys like a good underdog

>My main character has P.T.S.D, Because of the nightmares.

A>Smart guy is the best guy in my book.

>He has a golden heart (Meaning he cares about other people)

(Now for the bad part's)

>Add in more twist or turns in this story

>Add more risks of danger

>Thrown in some new ideas of the SF-FI stuff, and explain what it does, and how does it work.

>This part is gonna be blunt but, Worked on your world-building skills, The history part is easy todo. But the SI-FI part, on the other hand, felt kinda hollow.

( I won't told you to spell things better or add in Comma's where they need to be placed because stuff like that for first-time writers are just going to make, No matter what. Just keep on going off what you're doing it, because is just like art or running. The more you do it, The better you're gonna to be towards at it. But you were not lying about it being Semi-interesting, I hope the next thing you make, Would be pouring in some more offer in it. )

But all of these are my thoughts and opinions on this story, It's was Semi-Enjoyable. But I have given it 6/8 because of you haven't given enough attention and care to this work.

Mizal was right. You have potential. But right now you're basically raw clay, with practice and more experience your writing will substantially improve.

Like many writers, you have a tendency to rely on passive voice and telling rather than showing. Sometimes you fall into odd bits of unnecessary repetition. Here is a brief excerpt from a random page in your story:
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His legs being restrained by the leather constraints are just the icing on the cake. He's irritated and squinting up at you, whether from the light or because he can't see however you can't tell.
---
You're in passive voice in the first sentence. Key words that suggest you're using passive voice: was, is, are. When you find yourself slipping into passive voice, rewrite those sentences using stronger verbs and nouns. Good stories are carried by strong verbs and nouns and an active voice. Use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.

The character is being restrained by constraints? You don't say. I once saw a tree made of wood. Trust me, your readers aren't dumb. If something is obvious, they don't need it spelled out for them.

He's irritated is telling. Telling is lazy writing. Show us that he's irritated, don't tell us.

Rewritten example:
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As the man strains in vain against the leather straps, his eyes narrow, staring up at you in the dim light. He mouths something that you cannot quite hear. You lean closer. And a glob of spit strikes you in the eye.
---
Here, we're showing the man's frustration and painting a clear scene for the reader to picture in the mind's eye. A key part of storytelling is painting pictures with vivid imagery that the reader can see for themselves. Also, showing the event creates action and tension, which help drive the story forward and keep things exciting.

I look forward to your next story. Don't be afraid to utilize the Writing Workshop to get feedback on excerpts, pilot pages, and other story advice.

The writing is decent. The story didn't really get my attention, but that was more taste than anything.

Terrible story that lacks cohesion and logic.

Really involved and creative. I enjoyed it a lot.

The end seemed kind of rushed, it had so much potential though. The characters had some pretty good development though.