Player Comments on James.

Ah, the classic “comment on your own crap story and say it’s amazing even though we can see your username” trick.

P.S. 2/8

I'm giving you one big writing tip. Yup, Thara had already said that you need to break up your paragraphs, so I'm gonna give you another one: "The law of conversation of detail."

If the stuff is not necessary to convey your story nor does it give characterization of the characters nor does it paint a certain mood, LEAVE IT OUT.

This is the most egregious example of what I call unnecessary dialogue.

“Good morning,” Silvia said with a smile.
“Good morning,” James replied
He proceeded to make his breakfast, and eat it.
“So what do you want to do today?” Silvia asked James.
“Can we go to the park?” He asked.
“Sure,” Silvia said with a smile.

Sure, we say that same stuff in our daily lives, but is it interesting? Fuck no! So leave it out and spare us the trouble. The other choice: you can also spice it up, give the characters more personality through their dialogue and all. Here is a bit of an example of what I mean.

Like any other day they spent together, Silvia and James made sure to greet each other in the morning. As the designated cook of the duo, James proceeded to make breakfast. After he gave a plate to Silvia, he wolved down his own share of cooked sausages and eggs.
It was perfectly seasoned. He noted that the hint of fresh spice from the garden was a nice addition to the flavor palate. However, James couldn't help but notice that the runny yolks of Silvia's remained untouched as she played with her fork.

"I don't see any chores on the list and I've also checked your schedule. Completely empty, zero, nada."

Before you can butt in with a clever retort of your own, she said, "No excuses this time."

You let out an exasperated sigh. "Can we go to the park at least?"

Silvia's lips curved upwards as she slowly realized who had won the first battle of the day. "Sure," she said, carrying a smile of a true victor.

It's pretty much the same dialogue in essence, but it shows you a bit more of their dynamic.

Then of course there were parts, especially in the endimg where entire plot beats were wrapped up in a few sentences while actually deserving full pages or at least a few more paragraphs.

So work on that and I believe that your story will pack a little more extra punches than now!

For a deeper (and much better) explanation of what I've said:
https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLawOfConservationOfDetail

INDENT.

Please give your paragraphs some space to breathe from one another. It would certainly make the read more pleasant on the eyes.

Also it's nice that you think that your own story-game is so excellent.

Take that into mind for the next story-game, okay? Spacing out your paragraphs from one another. It's just a suggestion, but one I think can be an improvement for your next venture into the CYOA realm.

Hello. I'm reluctant to be the first to tell you this, but the story... is sub-par, to say the least.

The writing is fine, however to most casual readers it sounds dry and uninteresting.

Branching is present, but minimal and mostly is just a choice between an ending and progression through the author's main line.

Plot, in my opinion, is where this falls the hardest. Character development is basically non-existent(although this story is only 3.5k words), and actions are sometimes unfounded, consequences underdeveloped.

I could go on, but I think you have a good amount to work with now.

I think this is an excellent story!!!!!