Player Comments on The Carnival, Ginny, and I

Well I enjoyed that game, I thought it was a really sweet little young love, coming of age story... But what the hell was up with the ending? So these guys haven't seen each other for 5 years, they're not even dating, even the trip to the carnival doesn't seem like it's supposed to be a date, and he asks her to marry him? That's a creepy guy right there. How about, "I really like you, can I take you out for dinner sometime?" That's a nice place to start right? I mean after meeting an old friend for the first time in five years, most guys don't just use marriage proposals as a way to break the ice.
Also, how the hell did he get the Dad's permission? I imagine that being a weird conversation. "Hi kid, haven't seen you in awhile. What do you want?" "I want to marry your daughter!" "Really? I didn't know you guys were dating." "Well, we're not exactly, I actually haven't seen her for years, but she was my first childhood crush and I just assume she's stayed single this whole time in the hopes that I might come back and propose... Hopefully she grew up to be hot, or else I'll have to lose her in the hall of mirrors and run for my life." "... Well I'm sold! Give me a hug son-in-law!"

Ok, so this story feels incredibly forced, both emotionally and in a linear sense.

The author essentially shoves the reader down the path (s)he wants them to follow. There really isn't much choice involved. And many of the choices that lead to 'End Game' don't make sense. Why would not admitting unmitigated terror of riding the roller coaster lead the player character to a life as a gas station worker? Especially, when the girl already knows the player character hates roller coasters and is terrified of them? Not to mention, there is a one click 'End Game' link. Why even make that a choice then?

As far as the emotions go, I can see and respect what the author is going for, but the execution misses the mark. They just don't really establish a solid flow or meld well into the story. Again, they feel rather heavy handed. The romance and passion of a story should feel natural. The story seems to lack substance, and the characters don't really add much to help this.

There were a few spelling/grammar errors: but nothing particularly glaring.

Now, I know it seems like I'm ripping this story fairly hard, but despite the flaws, I wanted to like it. I really wanted to. The author has the bones of a good story, but the writing needs to be expanded and present the emotional components in a smoother fashion.

The Carnival, Ginny, and I is a good first time story that is entertaining to read but has several problems in its execution. Despite them, it still makes for a pretty cute love story.

Some of the writing is amateurish, which is understandable since it's WIBN's first story, and judging from his later stories, he had a meteoric rise in improvement over the years. So when I point out flaws, the author likely already knows about them and has improved upon them, so this is more for the benefit of doing a writing analysis rather than offering the author feedback he doesn't already know.

With that disclaimer out of the way, let's go to the review!

I liked the first paragraph, it does a good job of setting the carnival atmosphere. The descriptions of food, the smells of popcorn, the sounds of rides, it all does a great job of setting the mood. At the same time, it could use a heavy round of editing, and some of the prose could definitely be sharpened to be even more descriptive and immersive.

I like the way WIBN brings us into the mindset of our confused hopelessly-in-love adolescent boy. "However, I would not mind if the rides disappeared" is a pretty smooth and quick transition, and to be honest, that works well for the story since WIBN's established the setting, now he needs to move on to what's happening. I've seen instances where an overly long exposition doesn't suit the story, and this story, being a love story limited in scope, needs a quick and snappy introduction.

The dialogue feels natural and I don't really notice the SPAG issues. Admittedly, the dialogue is a bit simple, but it just works! It flows well, and I love the back-and-forth between Ethan and Ginny about him being too scared to ride the roller coaster.

From there, we see a lot of telling vs showing. I do feel like the info dumping is a bit heavy-handed, and when reading a story, I would prefer a more natural delivery of the info about Ginny, and his feelings towards her.

But, I did like how WIBN sets up the inciting incident. He gives us insight into Ethan's mind, and I get how he feels confused about his feelings towards Ginny. He doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of her, he feels like she is annoying but endearing. From an audience perspective, it definitely captures the puppy-love feeling so well.

I kind of wish we didn't immediately reach a false choice so early in the narrative, since you can only choose to go on the rollercoaster. If you choose to not go on the rollercoaster, that sequence ends with "I knew that she would make me pay for this.", and then cuts suddenly to the future. The storygame is trying to tell a story with limited scope, of a day spent at the carnival. From there, it slowly starts to build towards their future relationship. When you're trying to tell a story like this, you need to establish a credible and believable link from the first world to the next, and in the "Chicken" ending, he suddenly loses touch with Ginny all because of this choice. I do get the sentiment behind this, the point is that not going on the rollercoaster is symbolic for not stepping outside of your comfort zone and taking the leap to be in a relationship with Ginny, so in a way I get it, but I would like to see more of a link built.

Still, it was a sad ending, and I was emotionally invested enough to hit the back button and try again, so good job on that WIBN.

Once again, I enjoyed the main character's thoughts/feelings towards the rollercoaster, I thought that was fun and the characterization was done well. Also that little argument they had on whether Ethan got scared on the coaster or not was funny.

From there, we reach our 2nd set of choices. This time, I enjoyed the branching better, since the theme of honesty in love came out better. I like how WIBN showed that true love and feelings can only develop in honesty, and in the absence of that genuine connection, what follows may or may not work out. Yes, that isn't a hard or fast rule, but generally speaking, moments where you're scared or insecure are moments where you should open up to your partner and trust that they'll understand you, rather than put up a tough act but be emotionally closed off.

The sequence following the choice where you tell the truth was cute. I really liked it, and although I felt bad for Ethan, I was happy that he and Ginny were getting closer.

I also liked the conversation Ginny and Ethan had while eating, and their different perspectives. It was a pretty good getting-to-know each other conversation, although I do think you could have expanded on it. But from a story-perspective, you managed to establish an important character trait: both Ethan and ginny are stubborn and different in some ways, but alike in others.

1 year later, Ethan and Ginny go to the same carnival, and this time the choices branch out. I got to say, I like the idea of telling a story through connected events of a couple visiting the same place, but their interactions change as they grow and mature over time. It's interesting to see the juxtaposition between the carnival remaining the same, but the people changing and evolving, either growing closer together or growing apart.

Sadly, some of the choices were false choices. I'm not really a fan of the trick choices or 1-line choices that we see in newcomer stories.

I do like the theme and ultimate moral message of taking risks can lead to love, because only by letting his guard down, Ethan is able to really grow closer to Ginny. Things like lifting your hands in the air during the coaster, or accepting a gift from an old man lead to significant developments in the love story.

I also like the little conversation Ethan and Ginny have where she asks him whether he wants to be with her. It's cute, and there's a tension on both sides, since even though they like each other, they don't know whether the other reciprocates their feelings.

The sad ending, "But all things must end", really gives a feeling of "lost opportunity", and for an ending that short, it effectively gives makes the reader what would could have happened had they chosen differently. Something about working in a gas station in a small town, far away from Ginny both in time and space, reflecting upon and wondering about what could have been done, is just so sad.

The original ending was cute. I like how even though Ginny and Ethan grew apart, they managed to come back together. Yes, it is unbelievable that the first thing he asks her when they meet again is to marry her, but throughout the story, there's a lingering sense of attraction between the 2, and this story is a teenage romance that's going to be a bit unrealistic and overly romantic. So it makes sense in the "love at first sight" universe that this story takes place in.

I also like how despite 5 years have passed, when Ginny and Ethan meet again, they're able to recapture the original sense of magic and adventure they had as kids. I've met old friends where that spark wasn't there, and it felt bad, because as kids we were so tight, but as adults we had almost nothing in common, and that really sucks.

Ultimately, I enjoyed the new ending because it's beautiful and sweet, while also being realistic. I like how he asks her out on a date, instead of them getting married right away. It was cute how Ethan and Ginny were able to get the chemistry back so quickly and the story ends on an open ended, but optimistic note.

Overall:

Cute story, but underdeveloped and flawed in some respects. Regardless, WIBN did a great job with making us feel for the character and root for him, and ultimately that's what storytelling is about. So since I was able to read the story and really feel for Ethan, I'm willing to let lots of other stuff slide.

good

thank you :)

love the epilogue

Aw, Ginny is an adorable little bean of energy and pure joy.

This storygame is perfect for Valentines' Day and teaching people about how your words and actions toward that particular person can change over time. I read the original ending, and I'm glad you made a new one. Ethan is the nervous boy who wants to be cautious while Ginny is an adventurer and loves taking risks. Two perspectives, one story. Sure, there were some small grammar mistakes, but it's nothing that can't be fixed.

Keep up the good work.

Ohmygod. I loved it! I about cried.

Great job ??

really beautiful story
nice job

Would have liked if it was a bit longer, it was really pulling me in

Fun. Although i agree with peeps that the original ending felt kinda rushed.

I found this game mostly cute, fluffy, and light-hearted romance, which was enjoyable as long as I didn't think too hard. Granted, by issues with most Love & Dating games still apply - there are parts were the romance felt a bit formulaic, and other parts were the relationship development felt a bit rushed, but all in all, the quality of the writing was good and the setting is enough fun to carry the story despite the use of some childhood best friend clichés.

Great!

There are three ways for the gas station ending, three ways for the guard ending, and every other way leads to the actual ending(s). The statement which claimed that all of the endings but one cause the gas station ending is inaccurate.
Nevertheless, the claims that the original ending was horrible/insane are entirely true.

Goddamn, I am smooth. I talk to a guy and say "Hey, can I marry your daughter I haven' seen in years?" Then I get the girl. Either Ethan's super sexy, or Ginny's ugly as hell for her everyone to be happy that I propose when I see her for the first time.
Seriously though, I wasn't a fan, to be honest. I didn't like the actual romance bits because they felt manufactured, and also, is it really likely that because I don't put my hands up on a roller-coaster I never marry her and end up working in a Gas Station. Also, I was called Eddy once or twice.
Still, there was some effort put into the game and the grammer wasn't bad, though because almost every choice except one led to the gas station job and loneliness, it didn't have much than the basic, rushed story.

I did nit like it, but then I am not a romantic person. I also do jot understand why every scene had to be at a carnival.