Player Comments on Undermined

Well, regardless of specifics, this is a very solid first story. What it lacks in finesse, it makes up for in having a straightforward plot that gives the whole thing shape. There were definitely moments that were dull, and probably lead readers to skim, but there are others that stand out as nice, solid writing.

SPOILERS

Let’s start with the good. The plot is straightforward and seems well paced. The drive to be king is an ambition that has been made familiar to all of us in fiction, and is well written here. The only thing that surprised me is that the protagonist doesn’t have supporters before the assassination, but there are potential reasons for that I suppose.

I really enjoyed scene where the protagonist poisons the general. I can’t really say why, but it seemed like it would be right at home in some kind of Shakespearean world.

I tend to like intrigue and tales of supplanting monarchs anyway, so I may be biased, but I thought you did a great job of structuring the plot. It was short without feeling overly rushed, though I think it could have been fleshed out a bit.

If I were to give the author one piece of advice, it would be characterization. Nearly every character in this story fits neatly into one of two categories: a stoic, or a coward. The protagonist even seems to reference the idea that these are the only two kind of people. The main character, the most thoroughly fleshed out character, really only has one trait. That is that he wants to be king. That would be fine to be his sole driving force, but it also seems to be his entire personality. As far as we can tell, he is truly just a lone man. No friends, family, loved ones. He is free to treat everyone as tools and objects because he doesn’t have a legitimate human experience as backstory.

The best villains don’t just attain power for power’s sake. They have something they’re aiming for. And they aren’t born as Machiavelli’s Prince. They start out as cut babies and toddlers like everyone else. In my mind, characterization is what stops your story from truly being excellent.

Anyway, it’s a short, solid read.

General Recommendation: A short diverting game surrounding a coup attempt.
Preview: Can you successfully pull off a coup and seize the throne for yourself?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
This is a good concept, but it feels unfinished. There are several interesting elements, the narrator’s personality is interesting and distinct, and the story is well-plotted and paced. But it doesn’t feel finished. Reaching the end of each branch, I found myself thinking “okay, that happened, so what?” Playing this story is a diverting tactical puzzle, but it doesn’t draw the reader in.
I think this is less because of anything wrong with the game as it exists, and more because the game is presented like it’s the beginning of a story rather than an entire story itself. Some choices will kill the narrator, but those that lead to successful endings stop abruptly once the coup is over. Interesting groundwork has been laid with the narrator’s distinct personality, the fate of the prince, and tensions with the remaining aristocrats, but none of it ever has any relevance to the game. It feels strongly like “chapter one” of a larger game. Given its nature as a contest story, this could be due to external factors.
For the game to be a complete story, there would need to be some kind of resolution in its successful endings that depended on the player’s choices. This could be as simple as the narrator coming to some resolution depending on the outcome of his actions, or the formation of this new order taking a different shape. As it is, the future of the narrator and the kingdom is left totally up in the air, regardless of what you decide to do with the prince and the king.
Character-wise, other than the narrator, the characters do not stick out. They each have recognizable surface traits, but the story is not long enough to explore any of them in depth. Even the narrator does not have much more depth than “ambitious usurper”. This is a great archetype with lots of groundwork that could be explored and deepened in further continuations of the story, but none of it is addressed in the game as it exists. As it is, the reader has no reason to care about him or identify with him.
On a positive note, the narrator is very well-characterized. His narration and thoughts make his personality extremely clear in a way that does not distract from the story.
Another positive: The pacing and plotting of the story is well-done. Each character and scene has a clearly defined purpose that moves the story forward in a well-paced manner.
Overall: A solid well-plotted game.

Specific notes:
-The opening line sets the scene and context well, if it lacks a bit in “grippyness.”
-The narrator’s voice is pretty clear, with his assessment of others as being useless, potentially disposable, or sheep. It’s a bit clunky in places, but overall lends character to the story. I like how it’s evident in both his narrative descriptions, and italicized thoughts.
-Your combat writing isn’t great. There is no sense of tension, and you spend a bit too much time describing the physical mechanics of the scene instead of focusing on the stakes. This results in the scene feeling slow and jerky. Having the same problem myself, I’m not sure what advice to give you on how to fix it. Maybe another editing round to focus on the scene’s flow and pace?
-The ending feels really abrupt. Whatever you choose to do with the prince, the game just ends there with no clear conclusion or resolution on whether or not the narrator is going to be able to keep his throne. The story feels like it just stopped a couple pages in.

Grammar:
Good.
Mastery of Language:
Decent overall.
It’s a bit repetitive/tell-y in places. “Your voice is skeptical, but it is only a cover for your probing.” This is clear from the preceding dialogue.
Another example: “The thought lends you motivation.” Nothing wrong with this, but you could show it through action instead. Perhaps instead the narrator smiles at the thought.
Another: “‘Guards!’ he shouts, his voice panicked.” Pretty clear he’s panicked here. This too could be shown by some action, such as jumping to his feet, looking side to side rapidly, etc.
Another: “You think smugly.” This was pretty clearly a smug reflection based on its words, you don’t need to tag it.
Another: “Horror appears in the king’s eyes as realization dawns on him.” “Horror appears” is redundant with the realization dawning on him, and both are redundant with the dialogue that follows. This too, I would suggest changing to an action—for instance, “The king’s jaw drops as his eyes come to rest on the fallen guards.”
Etc. You get the idea.
Similar to the above point, you’re wordy, often taking much more words than needed to make your point.
Example: “You smile, but the expression contains no humor.” Could be “You smile humorlessly” or even just “you smile.”
Similarly, the fight scenes seem to last longer than they need to without much happening. It seemed more like you were making choreography notes than telling a story. I could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem like you care much about what happens in the fight scenes. If that’s the case, it’s okay to just abbreviate or skip them without focusing on the mechanics. If you do enjoy writing fight scenes, I recommend practicing doing this specifically, and then asking others for feedback on what worked on what didn’t (such as in the “writing workshop). Generally, it’s more important to focus on the emotional tone of the scene than meticulously track the character’s and weapon’s movements.

Branching:
Decent. There are several death/failure endings and two successful ones. There is, however, substantial re-branching.

Player options/Fair choice:
Good. It’s clear in each case what each option means.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I first reached the ending where you offer the prince titles, he refuses, you try to kill him, and he escapes.

WRITING ADVICE:
The dialogue is just kind of… dull. It’s in character, but it just doesn’t reveal anything interesting about the characters, and it isn’t particularly enjoyable to read. The characters just say whatever they need to to move story along, without anything else of note.
Your strength: The plot and scenes. This is a very solid-ly plotted story, with scenes and character moments that achieve their goals. Every element in this story belongs, and could potentially be improved on or expanded into something much more meaningful. This is fertile ground.
Your main room for improvement is your writing itself. There are many scenes where there’s nothing wrong with them, there’s just nothing right with them either. For instance: The scene where the girl questions Aelle’s being seated on the throne. This and his subsequent reflections are a great character moment, illustrating how the kingdom’s circumstances have changed. But the writing and dialogue seems overly focused on the plot mechanics of the situation, without giving the attention to character that would be needed for this scene to have real meaning.
I’m giving a lot of criticism in this review, but this is because I think you’ll be able to make good use it. You have solid writing skills, and with some refinement, could improve them greatly. This is an excellent first game which shows promise.

CONCLUSION: 4/8

This was an interesting strategic story - the writing was quite good but on the path I chose there was only one choice and everything else was linear which made it a bit lacking in diversity - more choices would have added more interest. I think the writing, the setting, the characters and the structure were all good and this story would have been more interesting with a bit more length and variety.

The writing was pretty good, and the premise was decent. The death scenes were substantial and well done. The mood and atmosphere of medieval Europe was well crafted, with details like the names, particulars of stoning, wergild, and court structure. The story was strongest in its depiction of court intrigue, and weakest in the physical fight scenes. What kind of guard would just give up fighting after suffering an arm injury and let you kill him? I was also not able to picture the physical blocking and movements in the fights through the disjointed descriptions. The fight with the king especially could have been written better, as it was the climax of the story. The Exiled page was also noticeably lower in quality than the rest of the story. Finally, the lack of satisfying conclusions was a bit of a disappointment.