urnam0, The Apprentice Scrivener

Member Since

1/8/2009

Last Activity

6/18/2024 6:29 AM

EXP Points

1,762

Post Count

292

Storygame Count

3

Duel Stats

21 wins / 25 losses

Order

Architect Exemplar

Commendations

81

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favorite online CYOA games are The Paradox Factor, Ground Zero, Necromancer, Eternal, and The Devil's Fire.

 

 

 

 

"I bring ... death! How dare you try and give me life?"

 

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Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Having 2 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 08/30/2021 - Oh hey! Nice to see you around again! Given by Will11 on 01/14/2018 - For your great stories

Storygames

The Flame

An allegory.

 

Author's note: the title of this story is actually The Fire, but someone else already created a storygame with that title, so I couldn't give it the title that I wanted. My second choice for the title was The Light, but another person already took that title as well, so, if you don't mind, just pretend that the title of this story is The Fire.


Featured Story Warlords: Strategic Conquest

A story set in medieval China.

Note: Even early on in the game you can lose by making a strategically erroneous choice so choose carefully.


Featured Story Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

witwics

My interpretation of one of my favorite TV shows from childhood: Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? This work is primarily based on the TV game show version rather than the computer game, book, or cartoon versions.

Author's note: Please do not cheat by using the Back button- just remember to Save the game every time you're promoted and Restore if you happen to lose.

 

P.S. See if you can find all the Easter Eggs!


Recent Posts

Thunderdome 12: Milton vs Petros vs ???? on 6/5/2024 4:10:29 PM

with the mc deciding to re-engage with her parents being written in a suprisingly realistic manner compared to what came before

On a personal note I have to wonder why the mc of Story A didn't have any desire to keep using the type writer...feels rather strange to suggest at the end that she just abandoned it for no reason like that...

Did ... did you read the ending wrongly?


Thunderdome 12: Milton vs Petros vs ???? on 6/5/2024 3:55:31 PM

Story A

 

Good:

1. Plotting

2. Dialogue- it was natural and well-tagged

 

Bad:

1. Punctuation

 

Ugly: 

1. Lack of overall polish that makes some parts come off as an outline or pre-draft notes instead of a written story

Not too long ago, her father asked Britney to clean the attic, the one chore of the month he assigned to her. It never got cleaned. Instead, she stuffed his gift to her up there without any intention of going back to it. Now, she finds herself walking up to it, slowly and deliberately. She set it on a small table facing the attic window, with a bean bag seat opposite to it. It made the space more comfortable. More importantly, it let the thing see the outside world rather than spend its days in darkness.

Take this paragraph, for example. There was way too much repetition of the word it, along with no transition between the attic and typewriter antecedents.

 

The ending was good, but I think that it would have been a less predictable and better twist ending for Britney to win in a final fight against the typewriter and, in the end, not really learning any lessons and destroying the typewriter or something like that, in a bleaker ending of sorts.

 

 

Story B

 

Good:

1. Word choice

2. Phrasing

3. More polished writing than Story A, and more complete than Story C

 

Ugly:

1. Confusing ending- I still don't quite understand what happened at the end there. I'm trying my best to glean some sort of satisfying conclusion from this story, but just keep coming up empty.

 

I would have voted for it if not for the ending, a major issue that marred an otherwise good story.

 

 

Story C

 

Good:

1. A more dramatic premise than the other two

2. Better pacing, with no slow-paced paragraphs that were found in the other two stories

3. Descriptiveness

4. Vocabulary

 

Bad:

1. Gasps don't rumble

 

Ugly:

1. Incompleteness, obviously

2. Tense change midway through for no reason

 

I enjoyed the writing of Story C the most. I also enjoyed reading each ----------- as a colorful curse word. I pictured a smartphone for the final box.

 

 

I guess I enjoyed Story A the most overall, mostly by dint of its solid story structure and being complete, so I'll vote for Story A, but C and B could have easily won had they fixed their correctable flaws.


Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ???? on 5/18/2024 9:20:39 AM

Story B.


2nd CYS Review Competition! on 5/1/2024 12:30:17 PM

How about the writing of a cameo appearance for the winner into your next story, or whenever a character based on or at least named after the winner becomes feasible?


Greetings! Looking for a particular story on 4/25/2024 12:36:51 PM

Maybe Rogues.


Free Reviews Here! on 4/19/2024 9:59:31 PM

Well, that was my CYS reading for the day.

I still can't tell if you like puzzles or not lol.

Thank you for the review.


Free Reviews Here! on 4/12/2024 8:42:13 PM

Arakhan’s Vengeance


Contest End is near! on 4/2/2024 5:13:24 AM

RIP to the New storygames published just before the contest deadline.

I felt like making a ranking of all of the contest storygame titles, as there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to read many of these long-ass stories. I considered several factors, such as how much it made me want to read the story, elegance of phrasing, word choice, succinctness, and technical aspects, like capitalization and grammar.

 

In order of (to me, personally) most appealing title to the least:

 

Avarga- memorable, punchy, unique, even starts with the first letter in the alphabet, which gets the story more views if titles are in alphabetical order

Where the Clouds Want to Go- evocative, clouds are always nice in a title, a bit long

A Prayer for Destruction- solid, destruction might be a little generic, but the rest of the title is certainly eye-catching, good phrasing

The Sojourner's Home- clear, but suggestive of a story a bit on the boring side, good word choice

Cleansed- solid, positive word choice connotations, limited impact of meaning

Reborn- solid, positive word choice connotations, limited impact of meaning

The Caverns of Grobblebad- I liked it until Grobblebad, that just sounds too silly for me

The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb- a bit basic, but at least it's clear in what the story is going to be about

The Red Church- punchy, a bit unclear in what the story is about

Revenge on the River Lord- decent and solid, nothing particularly good or bad

How To Bring an End to Things?- feels like it could be shortened, somewhat unique

The Village That Was- a bit evocative, otherwise a bit boring

A Hill to Die On- a cliche, somewhat evocative

The Boy Who Would Be Duke - The Journey to Agincourt - just a wee bit long, but I do like how it is pretty clear what the story would be about

Polaris- though meaningful, there's already quite a few things and works with the same title, leading to confusion over suggested themes

Terrorist- basic

Golden Gaze - Establishing a foothold- capitalization error, not clear what story is about despite all of the words being real words, slightly interesting word choice

The Rand'o Quiz- I mean, it's a weird word construction, but at least I can get the gist of it from the title

Distant Past- sounds like a chapter title in a geography/history textbook, boring

DRIVE- generic and forgettable word choice, jarring capitalization scheme


I need some innuendos on 3/6/2024 6:10:20 PM

Knocking boots

Hiding the bishop

Jamming the clam

Tossing the salad

 


Guild Names on 2/7/2024 12:54:47 PM

Cool. If you're going for simple names, then another one for a jewelry guild might be The Ring.

It might be easier to come up with names for them if you conceive of what kinds of guilds they are and types of crimes they commit first.