Player Comments on Vira and Cupcake

A funny, reckless story about what children can do when left with unlimited powers and unguarded.

My favourite scenes were the interactions between the butlers and Vira. A bunch of sane NPCS VS one crazy player. They had sensible, honest reactions to events, while the main character is just out there doing whatever she wants. That contrast might apply to the real world too, who knows. But knowing that this is fiction makes me feel better about them being fired.

I liked the story overall. Although not very long, the background was established detailedly, underground, empress, horse, dead mom, all the key things understood. Then the plot goes straight into the main events. The story then ends on time so that the comedic effect of randomness doesn't wear off on the reader. The pace of the story was controlled very well.

One weird point was the horse being referred to as 'they', which kinda made it sound like a person. Using 'it' would be much better if you didn't want to assign a gender to it. Another was that there was nothing to learn from this story - a girl makes a mess in her underground kingdom (oh btw, why did it have to be underground?) and then the story ends. What can we learn from the mess? More elaboration on that would have been cool.

A cool story overall, effort is seen. Perfect to read while enjoying a short snack break.

It's clearly a storygame for humor, so I'll base my thoughts on that.

I actually didn't mind the writing too much, though I felt that the dramatic telling was a bit forced at times, and the quality of writing was a bit sloppy, but you did mention that little proofreading was done. I have to humorously note that on some occasions the spotty writing actually somewhat contributes to Vira's fervor for this cupcake (there are definitely better ways of expressing that thought, though.)

From a plot perspective, the story is relatively uneventful. The narrator is introduced, gives a speech, and dishes out a choice or two before the game ends hurriedly. For some of the endings, major changes in the plot and lore were mentioned but not expanded on. There is definitely room for development if the lore of this underground kingdom was fleshed out a bit more.

All in all, though, I found it to be relatively lighthearted story. The absurdity factor in the humor could be worked on, but I'm sure it'll get a few chuckles from some.

The story is both short and excessively wordy. Its strengths are undermined by confusing lines. The lack of effort shows. Also, why did you feel the need to ungender the horse?

“You will all worship Cupcake, the one and only true god on this planet. That will be your way of fixing them and apologizing to Cupcake for not realizing they were God sooner.”

Your writing can, with proper attention, be so much more clear. Your good humor will hit better. I did enjoy parts. You did make me laugh, when I wasn't having to labor through rushed lazy prose. This is far below your capabilities.

This was quite a fun story which was well-written and entertaining. I'm not a big fan of the style myself, it seemed a bit overly wordy in places and the gender pronoun thing is something I can take or leave but overall I thought this was pretty good.

This was hilarious to me.

This is a great story, even better than a Reese's cup. (Reese's cups are my favorite.)

I enjoyed this. It’s just the right amount of abstract craziness and of-beat humor that Checkers and I can really get behind.

Pro:
I didn’t detect any grammatical blunders. None significant enough to be memorable, at least.
I liked how the “affinity for horses” part of the prompt led the protagonist to conclude her horse is a god. Not something I would expect.
Vira does something insane, and to fix it, she shirks logic and doubles down on insanity.

Con:
I found the lack of gender pronouns for Cupcake to be annoying and at times, confusing. I had to reread a few sentences to understand what they were trying to convey.
Though I enjoyed Vira’s lunacy, her nearly constant screaming and general high-energy-ness to be slightly taxing to read.
Vira’s repeated threats of firing were underwhelming. One of the few areas that were lacking in upping the ante. To keep in line with her character, firing should have been only the first step, each successive offense by the help warranting more ridiculous and violent threats… or actions?

That’s all. Now I’m bored with reviews forever. I didn’t proofread this. Keep up the good work.