A Bards Tale

Player Rating3.19/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 22 ratings since 08/21/2017
played 217 times (finished 28)

Story Difficulty5/8

"run through the jungle"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

In a world  without fantastical creatures or magic, there is an explorer who battles demons and solves the hardest riddles and escapes storms,Pirates, and natures wrath. He shall see castles of great stature and deep dark dungeons under the greatest mountains. This is A Bards Tale. Enjoy

Player Comments

The story unfurled with a dramatic beginning and seemed to promise an interesting plot. I was curious to know why my character was imprisoned and how they planned to survive. This game contained interesting ideas and glimmered with the potential of a beautiful, enchanting environment. I could almost feel the glisten of magic—it was so close. It held the promise of an intriguing story, but it seemed to slightly fall apart towards the end. Although this game intrigued me, I felt that it was somewhat held back by different areas, particularly the grammar, lack of details, and choices.

As I mentioned before, I thought that the story had potential and managed to perk my interest. However, I felt that it was rushed, and little time was taken to describe the scenes or actions. It seemed that my character was shoved from one event to another, too quickly for me to understand. To me, the writing style sounded detached. Because the environment of the story seemed interesting, I would have liked to read about the dungeon in more detail and feel immersed in it. I thought that you included great scenes in the game (I liked the part where the main character was being chased by rats), but expanding upon them would enhance the reader’s experience, allowing them to connect with both the character and the environment.

For instance, as the main character attempted to escape, they were grabbed by another guard and shoved into a jail cell. I felt that “your life flashes before your eyes” did not cover the fear and anxiety that would have been evoked in such a situation (A rough, heavy hand yanks at your arm, ripping a shout from your throat. “Move on!” a gruff voice bellows. The iron grip tugs hard and drags you down the hallway. Humongous, thick fingers digs into your bones. They wrind, they wrench . . . ). Furthermore, when the character attempted to get their jail mates’ attention and discovered they were dead, more details might help convey the horror and shock of the scene (ex: the thump of their bodies, sagging against the character’s hands, heads lolling back to reveal gaping, black eyes and slack jaws).

I suggest that you focus upon the five senses and attempt to plunge your reader into the world by adding some sensory details. For example, would the dungeon be dark and grimy? Are the walls streaked with mud and blood? Does the character hear the skitter of mice or soft plink of dripping water? I would also like to encourage you to focus upon the character’s emotions and how they would react to a situation. How do they feel at the sight of dead bodies? The rats nipping at their bare skin? What does the emotion feel like, and how can you describe it rather than simply stating “You are afraid”? Is their anxiety freezing their limbs? Does their anger churn slowly in their stomach, or is it a burning, hot lance that rips through their chest?

Furthermore, I felt that the choices were rather limited. It seemed that rather than being allowed to travel down different paths, I was forced to make the “correct” decision and continue down a single path. If I tried to branch off onto another, I would be punished with death. Bad endings and eventual deaths in games can be enjoyable at times. However, I think that rather receiving the punishment of instant death, the consequences could be drawn out longer. For instance, the character could unknowingly continue down the wrong path and be given “subtle” chances to escape or else face the eventual consequence of their choices.

In addition, I felt that both the grammar and structure of your story could use some work. Looking through the game, it seemed that the story lacked some proper punctuation, especially commas. I noticed there weren’t commas separating many of your dependent phrases/clauses that came before the main/independent clause. For instance, you wrote, “Thinking they are asleep you shake them.” In this case, “you shake them” is the main clause that can stand on its own. Because “thinking they are asleep” is the dependent phrase that comes BEFORE the independent, a comma should be placed after it like so: “Thinking they are asleep, you shake them.” Furthermore, you had several independent statements that were joined together by a conjunction (ex: and, but, etc.), but they weren’t separated by a comma (ex: I asked him, but he didn’t reply.).

Concerning the structure of the game, I felt that the lack of proper paragraphs made the dialogue difficult to read. After Character A finished speaking, you would normally enter a new paragraph for Character B’s dialogue or actions. This helps the reader understand who is now speaking, and it makes it easier to read.
Overall, the game left me with mixed feelings. I thought that the story contained much potential, and I especially enjoyed the strange, dreary environment and various scenes. I felt that the readers’ experience could be enhanced with deeper details, and describing the character’s emotions could also help the reader develop a stronger connection. I would like to suggest improvements upon the grammar. I would also like to suggest fairer choices/paths for players so that they aren’t constantly punished with instant death. Once again, although this game may not be polished, the potential still lays there. Thank you for sharing your work with us, and I give you my best wishes.
-- SummerSparrow on 8/26/2017 6:24:32 AM with a score of 0
There is definitely a lot of room for improvement here.

To be honest, the entire storygame just felt incredibly sloppy. There's not enough description, in fact, little to none on most pages.

It also seemed rather rushed, since it was lacking in both quality and quantity. The writing has potential, but the storygame needs to have more character development, detail, emotion.

The plot also needed some work. Not that the plot's bad, it's just extremely cliche and there's nothing presented to the reader that makes it stand out from a lot of other storygames similar to this one on the site.

There's no rush to publish your storygames. Work harder, and spend more time with your writing so you can make something to be proud of.

2/8
-- MinnieKing on 8/25/2017 1:33:15 AM with a score of 0
3/8

Sorry, but a lot of links had no meaning and I saw several grammar errors.
-- Saint_999 on 9/14/2017 5:45:52 PM with a score of 0
I thought it was certainly interesting, and it had many options, but the writing in even the intro scenes felt sloppy. Could have used some cleaning up and better formatting. Otherwise, great story!
-- Infinicorn on 9/3/2017 11:00:40 PM with a score of 0
I see the errors and I said I will make the next one better.
-- JeromeHatik on 9/1/2017 9:11:51 PM with a score of 0
I saw the mistakes in the game and I am sorry. This is my first one. Thank you all for your input. I will make the next one better.
-- JeromeHatik on 8/24/2017 8:00:24 AM with a score of 0
I'll write a more detailed review later, but despite some issues (really needed a more cohesive plot and extensive proofreading to correct grammar, etc) I liked what the author was trying to do here.

Possibly I'm biased simply because I happen to like this style of traditional fantasy adventure game, but I also got the sense the author was fairly young and if so they've got a lot of potential once they get a better grasp on the technical aspects of writing.
-- mizal on 8/23/2017 10:51:12 AM with a score of 0
I might make a sequel to this adventure. It was my first so it might not be as good as you might think. Please enjoy.
-- JeromeHatik on 8/21/2017 8:05:13 AM with a score of 0
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