Player Comments on Goodbye.
This was very good, however the thing that makes goodbye my childhood self so heart wrenching is the obvious depth of bond between the characters and the detail of their time together. Also love how many route that story can go. This is a cute story, but it's missing some of that detail and connection. I was also kinda curious about the festival and what exactly this little girl had. I found it kinda funny when the mom said "she isn't feeling well". You don't go for the hospital and die because you aren't feeling "well"! It makes the situation seem less urgent when it is said that way. Anyway, keep up the good work and never stop writing. I hope I helped:)
on 7/10/2015 9:52:24 PM with a score of 0
This is well-written. I enjoy your writing style and while the plot is a familiar one you put in enough details to make it sound almost autobiographical. I would call this a writing exercise rather than a story however, the romance is the entire plot and there is nothing too unexpected and no other significant characters apart from the two lovers. It sounds like somebody telling me about a real relationship they had.
Farewell my Childhood Self came alive because of the drawings while in Snow the language is brief and rich in meaning, in a tragic romance like this what goes unsaid is often more significant what is said so sometimes lengthy descriptions are not required (in places you do use short sentences to good effect). The multiple choices should be there so the reader feels like it is their experience: choosing which memories to re-live or which experiences to have with their special person makes the reader feel more like it is THEIR story.
Overall though it was a very good piece of writing and I'm looking forward to reading your next one :) 6/8
on 2/14/2015 12:31:11 PM with a score of 0
Okay, so first things first: you have a good writing style. The grammar is solid, the vocabulary well-chosen, and the story, as a whole, is well-written. I do think, however, that you are missing out on some of the devices available to you on this website. Being able to choose what the main character does draws the reader/player in. It gives them a sense of ownership, and allows them to connect much better with your characters. At the end of your story, I was moved emotionally, but not to tears. Your plot and writing style were good enough to move me, but not to really engage me--I felt like, despite the excellent transition to first person narration you had at the beginning of the story, I was reading someone else's story, rather than one I was participating in. See a game like Snow on this website--the story moves ahead, no matter what, but you are given several choices as to what you want to do. It draws you in and makes you a part of the story, rather than a passive 3rd part observer. If you can do this--allow the reader to make their own decisions, rather than telling them what they do--it will make this storygame that much more powerful.
All in all, a lot of great writing (the hard part). Just give us a few more choices to make instead of telling us what we do! :)
on 2/14/2015 12:00:10 PM with a score of 0
This is such a sweet and sad story! I actually have seen something very simalar to it before. (no not "Farewell, My Childhood Self", it was a video.) I loved and hated this story so much. I hate it because it ended off with everyone still being sad. You never said that Naomi's sister and family were happy again. So that part made me a little sad, but other that that, this story was really well put together and adorable. Great job!
-- Samiha on 8/25/2017 4:50:02 PM with a score of 0
Aaah, the feels...
Your STORYgame is exquisitely crafted. Not flawless of wording errors, but they don't bring down the sad, tragic mood.
I've seen more than one story on CYStia with this crycry layout (Snow was the first), but it doesn't mean you copied. In fact, you've made "Goodbye" unique because of not only the emphasis on STORY, but by just about eliminating the GAME element.
Normally I wouldn't pay much mind to the GAME part in a STORYgame, but this goes beyond that. Not to speak ill of a story, but this IS a "choose-your-own-adventure" website, and storygames are CALLED storygames for their capability to provide readers with their own choice of storyline, which is something I can see this is lacking in.
In short, the writing is good, just implement the element (wow that rhymed) of choosing in your storygames to come.
Even with no choice in the matter, this is still worth my cents. 6/8.
on 4/7/2017 6:18:10 PM with a score of 0
WORST THING IVE EVER READ! HORRIBLE~~~~~~~~~
-- k on 4/5/2017 2:20:04 AM with a score of 0
Omg so sad
-- Emiliana on 4/1/2017 9:48:34 AM with a score of 0
Weird ending...it feels false and awkward.
on 3/5/2017 2:07:49 PM with a score of 0
It was... okay
on 10/7/2016 2:45:52 AM with a score of 0
almost cried............just kidding ;)
-- gamer god on 6/24/2016 3:54:15 AM with a score of 0
Not really a choose your own adventure. There's only one choice and it's not important.
-- Kuguri on 5/17/2016 6:41:48 AM with a score of 0
Sad, but great. Hope you continue to make more stories like that.
on 3/31/2016 10:03:52 AM with a score of 0
Ahm, that was quick. Try adding more choices next time.
on 2/6/2016 9:22:07 AM with a score of 0
Good story but we only get to choose once
-- Snowdust on 12/25/2015 2:38:30 AM with a score of 0
on 6/7/2015 8:20:42 PM with a score of 0
Nice little story. Work on your grammar and always remember to proofread many times before you publish. 5/8
on 5/24/2015 7:30:35 AM with a score of 0
so sad... but great story.
-- crystal on 4/21/2015 1:19:07 PM with a score of 0
Pretty good, need some grammar worked on.
on 4/20/2015 5:43:10 PM with a score of 0
that's so sad!
on 4/14/2015 2:50:40 PM with a score of 0
That's really sad! But a good game. It works and flows really well
on 3/14/2015 11:20:04 AM with a score of 0
I just loved this story it made me cry??????a lot it is soo emotional and I can't even imagine my best friend like that
-- Shrdha Lalwani on 3/8/2015 8:09:13 PM with a score of 0
on 3/4/2015 5:58:20 PM with a score of 0
I feel as though this story has a lot of potential. I like the story and ending, but it feels like everything was rushed. There are few moments with the two together, and it's more just Kei thinking about her. I feel as though if you had put more time, thought, and set up Naomi's character a little more, this story could be like "Snow"
-- Stars of Orion on 2/28/2015 1:39:05 AM with a score of 0
on 2/23/2015 12:38:18 AM with a score of 0
It was the typical sad romantic plot and i didn't like how there were very few choices. But all in all nice grammar and great story, considering that you're only thirteen(yes i saw your profile).
on 2/22/2015 9:33:19 AM with a score of 0
It's a short, sad, well-written romance. Simple.
on 2/15/2015 6:44:43 PM with a score of 0
Whether or not this fits the CYOA format is debatable. But, the period in the story's title drives me nuts. I can understand that it symbolizes finality, which is a major theme in this story, but it really bugs me.
Regardless, this was decent as a story, not good, not bad either, though. 4/8.
on 2/15/2015 1:25:28 PM with a score of 0
This is not a storygame, but a story. It's okay.
on 2/15/2015 1:31:06 AM with a score of 0
@DerpBacon Dude, a lot of people did this, they made it more of a story game rather then a choosing your own story game, there are people who did it so don't just act like I'm the only person here who did that. Please and thank you
on 2/14/2015 10:52:57 AM with a score of 0
Only one page has multiple options.
Grammar and spelling is okay.
This isn't meant to be a storygame- this should be a plain old story.
on 2/14/2015 10:15:45 AM with a score of 0