Player Comments on Jack and Jill Live On 2
This story... is bad. I haven't seen the first story you made, but I assume that it's really bad which is why it got deleted. Well, here are my opinions on your story.
I admit, you put more effort into this story, but it still feels lacking in a way. You put in effort into this, as more than one sentence is put into a page, and there is dialogue that isn't ridiculous. It has a sense of realism, despite being a fantasy adventure. However, your story still has flaws.
The one I noticed the most is that your story suffers from the "You" trap for second-person storygames. You should add more variety when using pronouns, and not start most of your sentences with you.
Description. This story lacks details, but first let's look at the description of your story. This is your description:
Hey Guys. This is the second parts of the story. All your comments were really helpful, so yah, ill try to make it longer. *Has worried expression*.
Alright so this part will start with you being with Jack, cause I need him as a character.
Don't do that, it makes you look like you put no effort at all in your stories. The words, yah, and the shorter version of because makes this story feel... like it's not made by a serious author. It's not even proofread, and there is some grammatical errors in your description.
Anyways, back to the topic. Your story, though has adjectives, still feels lacking. You just mention random details, and you don't even describe them. It feels like you're making a random choice.
Remember, each and every story can still be improved, no matter how good their story is. I wish you luck on your next story!
Oh, you want to know my rating? It's a 3 for effort.
on 3/25/2017 12:44:46 AM
This story is not all that much longer than the first, and although it shows some effort, not a lot of deep thought seems to have gone into it. For one, it is very linear. There is only one storyline in this story, and if you deviate from it, you die, or get directed back to the original storyline, without adding very much. You would also be surprised at how much developing plot, character personality, and range of real choices really helps the overall quality of your game.
on 5/23/2013 6:19:16 PM
Nice to see you making some progress! Although this was better than the first, this wasn't too good either. It was short, linear and You need not to rush the pages. Most of the pages had 0 description and there was no background. And killing the queen was completely illogical. How come two people kill a dark queen so easily. Plunging a sword in her, really? I hope you would work harder for the next game. I can't really say that this was a good game but happy to see ya trying ;-) unlike some of the new members here. Haha. Please don't get disappointed by my comment but I can't rate you higher for your effort. I am giving it a 4 (2X better than first) and Wish ya good luck :-D! And oh! Watch out for those zombies! Yep! Right behind you!
on 4/16/2013 6:22:02 AM
on 1/18/2017 3:02:21 PM
It was very short and linear
on 12/15/2016 6:48:19 PM
Easy, but really fun, though you only get 2 choices her page.
on 8/16/2016 11:05:32 PM
It was fun but extremely easy
-- Abbie on 3/18/2016 5:28:26 PM
What happened to part 1? :/
on 2/2/2016 2:45:37 PM
It was so easy to kill the Queen...
on 6/26/2015 8:50:48 PM
It had some good writing in there, but the poor descriptions of the characters made it a bit worse. It has potential if you put more time into it. It was a somewhere between meh and bad for me.
on 5/8/2015 3:50:44 AM
You should write more! This was good!
on 9/3/2013 7:52:35 PM
Not bad. ;) you should write more now though :D
on 8/16/2013 4:36:21 PM
nice! i love it!
-- paterson on 6/25/2013 12:28:04 AM
Much better than the first. It was a nice enough read with quite a few endings. You should consider making a longer story in the future, with details about the history of the land and stuff.
on 4/28/2013 9:18:05 AM
quick, best ending.
on 4/27/2013 5:38:32 PM
Wow. I just got the best ending on my first try.
-- Michelle on 4/26/2013 7:35:48 PM
it was an improvement, but i get the feeling that you still need to do a lot more before posting the end result.
on 4/18/2013 1:09:04 PM
slightly better meh than the first meh
on 4/16/2013 4:29:16 PM
well your first one wasn't even a game. This one showed progress and though it was better it still wasn't very well.. good
on 4/16/2013 2:48:12 PM
Much better than the first and pretty creative too - now all you have to do is take your time to make longer paths that don't always conitinue or kill. :)
on 4/16/2013 12:06:07 PM