Player Comments on Mercenary Queen (Part 1): Escape from Essitrea

The writing quality is excellent. The story itself was engaging, and I was submerged into the action - something I find hard to do in many cases. The protagonist doesn't act too stupidly, as expected of her, and your choices allow her I have flaws that don't end with death.

This story, however, has a few errors or other holes that make me double take on the events. Many of the loops don't flow well - the transitions are jarring and unrealistic if the page has been already read several times. Additionally, the story itself doesn't provide muc background for Bast. The lack of other main characters (side characters, etc.) is disappointing, even as a lone mercenary. A powerful female fighter like her should be well linked. Some of the link choices are just... why. Pick a number? (1 or 2) Pick a color? (Red, Blue, Black, Green, or Purple - I think those were it.) The numbers and colors had nothing to do with the story...??? They could easily be controlled with a random dice roll and variables. Another thing that I found odd was the information in bold that talked about inventory stuff (crossbow, lanterns, etc.) They weren't vital to the story, and it didn't effect the story; they could've been left out instead of left there to make me wonder if they actually did have a purpose. This storygame is a nice introduction to the larger plot, but I would've preferred if it hadn't been separated into the parts that it was separated into. Just one large, nice storygame. :D

But yeah. I like the story, and the character sheet was most intriguing to read. Your writing ability makes the story work very well. Can't wait to read Part 2. *goes to read it*

Excellent, I enjoyed this as much as your other game, good level of detail and branching but unfortunately if you follow the right branch the story ends pretty quickly... you have some of the branches link back on themselves which is good but for a story of this high quality it feels like it needs to be longer, maybe try merging all the Mercenary Queen parts into one big story and gloss it up with a few pics? Either way this is first-rate writing :D

a good, short part 1 of a story

"You are an exotic beauty with naturally silver eyes and silvery hair that bounces and flows to your mid-back. Your naturally pale skin is tanned from years on the road and beneath your soft looking skin are muscles hardened by years of warfare."

Perhaps tone down the thirst for a bit? Still comedy gold though.

IT WAS AWESOME

Not bad, but I feel like you published it too early. Even though this is Part 1, I felt like it should have been called "Mercenary Queen (Prologue)"

Nice story :))
I hope you put her background next part:))

I give this a "better than Resee's cups" rating as I'm eating the Rescee's cereal--funny! Very enjoyable story! Looking forward to more!

this was a fair story

I like that one, it was very interesting. I'm excited to read the others.

Needs to be longer, also "you have come to a conclusion" you concluded, a bit redundant, but other than that the spell was good and flowed well. But is bast a tank or a more graceful fighter? That could be defined better. But all in all a good story.

Sweet...

Nice story there, but it would be better if it was longer. nevertheless, good work.

Good one! ;)

Howed the enemy get hold of zombies?

I like this game Not many errors I can see. Some choices are weird like what color? And I have to ask why a girl named Sebastian?

Can't wait for Part 2!

Love it!!!!!!

Please keep this story going

That was really good! Looking fwd to the next part :)

looking forward to the next chapter

Decent game.

Great story, Add more soon! 7/8

Great game so far. I can't wait to see the next game.

Awesome effort you have done for your first story.
7/8

Great first story.

You don't have too use the color choosing thing for random outcomes, instead use scripting to do it. Post in the forums, in the advanced editor section. Message me if you don't know how to do that.