Player Comments on Satoru-kun.

>>There was once a legend where you can ask someone a question

... >_> Faaascinating. So, according to legend, I can ask people questions. Here's one: why the hell did you make this thing?

>>if you look behind or dont ask him you'll be dragged down to hell

<_<; Look behind WHAT? Him? Myself? A bush? A tree? A hobo? ... Or did you mean "look at A behind"? His, maybe? ... So, theoretically, I have to ask every guy I meet a question and resist the urge to stare at his ass or I'm going straight to hell.

I get the horrible feeling that someone, somewhere, is either going to make a religion out of this or a terrible porno.

>>He is,,,Satoru kun !

He who? Satoru WHO? Why do I care about him or asking him questions or his behind? Also, seeing you use the honorific 'kun' ... my inner weeaboo just started to cry tears of deep sadness, I hope you're happy.

>>"Hey ! there is a legend where you can ask him a question" John said.

... Nobody starts a conversation like this unless they've already had part of it in their heads, which assumes that John is delusional and has several conversations in his mind that his friends are not privy to.

This is both sad and insulting because I'm sure he missing out on a lot of human interaction this way and it implies he'd rather listen to his own thoughts instead of his friends. On the other hand, considering your track record for dialogue, I'm totally with John on this one.

>>touch him

Based on your description, did Mike really NEED to know not to do that?

>>"Oh ! but should i contact him ?" mike asked.

Ok. Apparently, yes. Yes, he did. Is this what you think normal people do? Do you actually think a real person has ever heard a story about someone who would arbitrarily drag them down into the depths of eternal suffering for funzies and immediately said "OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO MEET THIS GUY!"

... Or are your characters just that self-aware that they'd rather be in hell than your game?

>>"Well...I'll tell you this by calling you"John said.

(Okay, but what are you gonna call him? :P) Yep, John is a self-centered bastard. He can't stand looking at Mike's real face (as opposed to the one he imagines him having in all of his much more interesting hallucination conversations, where Mike is secretly an intellectually stimulating, unbelievably hot girl) long enough to actually explain anything to him, so he figures "you know what? I'll go home, call you, pretend you're hot, and that way, I can bare to socialize with you."

>>"First you need to go to public phone but you need 10$ coin"

<_<' Ah, yes, the ... ten dollar coin that totally absolutely exists somewhere in the land of bad--y'know what, no. I re-read that the other day and I swear to God that the joke examples Will makes are better than this shit.

>>"Whoa ! that's the longest chant in history !" mike replied.

... Tch. And you call yourself a Catholic. >_>

>>now after that hang up the public phone and switch off your cellphone

Of course, Mikey, it has to be a magic cell phone because otherwise, it can't turn itself back on to be turned off again--since, you know, John told you it had to be turned off when you got to the public phone.

> then figure out the rest of your own

... even though I already told you that you have to ask him a question, not touch him, and look behind.

>>he inserted a 10$ coin then he dialed his own number then he said...

Ten dollars for a phone call? Wtf? Man... I guess the people who install pay phones are hurting for cash these days, but for that kind of money, I'd want it to--I dunno, give me a cupcake and a foot rub? Blow me? Give me crack? Do my taxes? Something.

>>After that mike went home and decided to think of which question

Just now, huh? Well ... no rush, man, it's just your immortal soul on the line. >_>

>>Satoru-kun replied

But I didn't say anything! I mean, if he's coming to drag me to hell, you could've at least given him a motive, like me pulling one of those stupid "is your fridge running" jokes or something.

>>"Oh..ok !" Mike said thus ending the call.

... You know, I think I'm starting to see why John is so eager to get rid of his friend via delusions and demon boys.

>>final fantasy X

X_x Seriously, stop referencing good games in your stories. It just reminds me that I could be playing something that has characters I actually like in it.

>>Mike was getting terrified about this..

Getting? This is the third time he's called you! You've had hours to think about the implications of a demon calling your cellphone to tell you he's coming over and only now do you consider the possibility that this might not have been the best idea? >_> Dammit, John, I'm starting to wish Mike was an interesting, intelligent, hot girl, too.

>>"What will happen to me in near future ?" Mike replied loudly.

You know, if you'd just turned around or touched him, you'd totally know the answer to that already! >_> C'mon, do it.

>>they are bevan and clinton

He's going to meet a former president and go ghost hunting with him? ... Actually, I would absolutely read a storygame about going ghost hunting with Bill Clinton. xD I'm ... a little sad that that's just a joke I'm making, honestly.

>>"I asked what will be my future" Mike replied.
>>"Oh..well let's forget about it !" John said

xD Yep! Because who cares what happened to you or about your future? It wasn't about John and it didn't kill you, so it doesn't interest him! Ahh, John, you narcissistic jackass ... I think I'm actually starting to warm up to you.

ok. First off all there was no character at all. It just says Mike and John. I don't know at all what they look like, or how old they are. Also the dialogue is poorly written, just very awkward and very unrealistic. Aswell the story is completely linear. I haven't gotten to the end yet, but I have exhausted a lot of choices and they all result in either losing or having to go back one page.

I don't mean to scold you or anything but Im guessing you are a kid.(I am too). I really hope that this review helps with your stories in the future though. Best regards: Joseph

FFX does not deserve to be disgraced by this story

I'm just here for the easy point and Kiel's review.

Certainly there is a pattern in these games that can be used to establish a new criteria for instant unpublishing. If you wish for your stories to stick around, you will do well to get feedback from others prior to publishing.

I'm glad that you stayed true to yourself and kept your stories in their purest form, but please try to sort out your general spelling and grammar.

Please, don't stop writing. Your stories give me a free point a day.

Oh good it's you again.
On the plus side you're improving with the speed of an asthmatic snail, inching your way towards writing something worth a 2 out of 8 which is encouraging I think.
Read everything Kiel writes and learn from it including this, http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=3875
You might also want to give this site a try, http://dictionary.reference.com/
The dictionary is a wonderful book that tells you what words mean and how to spell them. You might find this useful :)

You've improved. But this will most likely get unpublished. Good job anyway.

*came here and saw Kiel_Farren's Review*

Hallelujah

-Hey, I summoned a demon and asked him a question!
--Really?! What did you ask?
-I asked him about my future!
--Oh. Well, let's forget about it!
-Okay!

Wait, this is that bevan troll?

...oh well, still a free point.

Okay.

So...this was pretty bad.

First and most importantly, please get a better understanding of how English works. Here is a helpful site: http://www.edufind.com/english-grammar/punctuation/

Also, I notice there were no choices at all except for a couple tacked on right at the end. And since this site is called 'Choose Your Story' and not 'Click Through Your Story' that's...well, it's kind of important.

Try to get those two issues under control and we might be ready to move on to more advanced things like 'plot' and 'characters'.

Oh, boy! Has Christmas come early? TO THE KIEL-CAVE!!!!