The Ancient Island of Z's

Player Rating2.74/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 15 ratings since 11/13/2017
played 26 times (finished 3)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level1/8

"appropriate for all ages"
Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.

[This story game is currently undergoing revisions until further notice. Stay tuned.]

Running, blood, guts, and horror!!!!

It's your time to thrive in the new world. Find your safe haven. Collect food and water. Find make awesome weapons. ALL RIGHT HERE!!! 

 

(Last edited on 11/7/17)

Player Comments

First, the title should match the story, at least a bit. Also don't switch between first and second person like you tend to do in this story. You might also want to work on your sentence structure and make everything a little more coherent.

Keep practicing your writing though.
-- corgi213 on 11/3/2017 9:27:10 PM with a score of 0
Also, just pointing out that it's not clear at all just what the heck the 'ancient island' in the title refers to, as well as half the tags being inappropriate. Historical? RPG? Puzzle? Fantasy? ...Geared for Children? Really?
-- mizal on 11/2/2017 5:48:50 PM with a score of 0
Still a lot of grammar and punctuation errors, as well as being short enough that a part 2 is pointless (why not just expand this one?) but it's a significant improvement on your previous games as far as the details and content, and logical reactions to player choices in general. I made notes line by line as I read since you asked for mistakes to be pointed out and seem to legitimately be trying to improve, but really the time for fixing this kind of thing is still BEFORE you publish. There were quite a few instances of random point of view switching, for instance.

One question I had was how it was you didn't see any zombies during the ten minute drive to the gas station, or on the way back, if dozens or hundreds managed to walk from the town to your neighborhood? Keep in mind a normal, healthy person walks about three miles an hour. and zombies would be getting distracted constantly on the way. It might have made more sense if you'd introduced a couple of other characters in the neighborhood and perhaps imply the outbreak in your area had originated from one of them. Maybe someone complains a family member is ill or was attacked and bitten by a crazy person while at work yesterday, etc. (Though why characters never seem to recognize OBVIOUS signs of a zombie outbreak and react accordingly is often a question with these kinds of stories, especially when the news spells out the symptoms in so much detail. Heck, even if somehow no one had ever seen a zombie movie, the infection sounds alarming enough that the character probably should have some kind of emotions or reaction to it all beyond 'guess I better get supplies'. Again, I feel like a brief section talking to a neighbor or something before leaving would help underline the reaction of normal people and create some kind of stakes when all hell breaks loose.

Anyway, grammar, punctuation, etc:

You woke up to the beautiful sunshine that peaked through the window. // First line. 'Peeked' and 'peaked' are different words. I saw another example of this later in the gas station, so just making you aware of it.

If bitten or clawed be aware you might feel the symptoms of fever, excessive sweating, yellow or red eyes, bloating, aces and pain. // aches and pains, and also holy hell, those are quite specific and alarming symptoms. The character probably should have had some kind of reaction or opinion on this.

Your car flied forward. Your car rolled to it's side, and a few windows broke. // Your car FLEW forward. Your car rolled to its side... (doesn't use the apostrophe to show possessives for objects. What you have here is 'Your car rolled to it is side'.)

When you woke up again, you felt extreme pain you couldn't tell what. // Couldn't tell WHERE? Although grammatically this sentence is still a little off.

But when you opened your eyes you saw some figure eating on you. // The previous sentence, also extremely vague. I'd think it'd at least mention the part of the body the pain is originating from so it doesn't go immediately from 'generic non-specific pain' to 'someone TEARING AWAY YOUR FLESH WITH THEIR TEETH'

Then a figures shadow came over me, you looked up it was a guy that has a gun. // As I mentioned, POV switching happens a lot in this story, and it's always pretty jarring. 'Me' and 'I' should never appear except in dialogue. The story is written in second person, hence 'You'. Also, figures should be figure's. 'It was a guy that has a gun' should be 'it was a guy that had a gun', or just 'it was a guy with a gun.'

The front isle, is the most easiest cause you can be aware of your surroundings and if people show up at the doors. // 'most easiest' would only work when used in dialogue for a character with bad grammar. Cause and Because are seperate words as well. What you mean here is something like 'is the safest, because' anyhow.

The pumps weren't to far, you didn't know if you wanted to risk it or not what do you do? // too far, and really the whole sentence is a bit off. Something like, 'The pumps weren't too far, but you didn't know if you wanted to risk it or not. What do you do?'

You took the chance and decided to get some fuel. They were still working but for how long you filled each gas can up to the top. // Again, just some grammatically weird sentences. You didn't mention the pumps in the first sentence so it's not clear what 'They' is referring to. Try something like: 'The pumps were still working, but for how long? You decided to take the chance to get some fuel, so you filled each gas can up to the top.'

You got a few cans and headed back to the car you set everything into place and you get back into your car. You start it, and drove back home. // 'You got a few cans and drove back home.' The sentences you had switched to present tense a couple of times 'set everything in place' instead of 'sat', and 'start' instead of 'started'. But it actually flows much better to just skip all those details. Obviously you got into your car and started it in order to drive back home, it's really unnecessary to spell such mundane actions out.

You unpacked your car, and supplies, but now here's the real question, where am are you going to stay until it all blows over. // where are you going to stay, and this sentence should be ended with a question mark.

You panicked and didn't really know what to do. They were pounding against the house trying to get in. I tried to hide in the closet and maybe hopefully they might leave. ... Soon they surrounded me, biting, scratching and tearing me apart. // POV switching again.

You got all the supplies you gathered at the gas station up into the attic. Then you got some supplies from the house itself. My first aid kit, a few flashlights, a few pillows and blankets, a few kitchen knives, my bat, crowbar, and some extra clothes, a few backpacks and a few duffel bags for when you decided to leave. You get that all up there before you realize, there seem to be a few of the infected surrounding the house, you hurry on up into the attic, before anything bad happens. // Lots of 'me' and 'my' in here, and the last sentence needs to be broken up. 'You get that all up there before you realize there seem to be a few of the infected surrounding the house. You hurry up into the attic before anything bad happens.' (Though 'anything bad' is awfully vague. Why not 'before they hear you and try to break in?')

It's mainly a guest room, cause theres a bed, and a small kitchen and a bathroom, and a heavy door with a bolt lock. // because there's, and really this sounds more like an entire guest apartment.

AND if you have any idea's you want added into the game please let me know. // Just ideas, no apostrophe. And in answer to that question, again, I'd rather have seen this as a complete game where the choices you make in the beginning actually matter. A small story about the opening of the outbreak is viable, but a proper ending on there instead of 'now just wait until I get around to writing the rest because I typed for like two hours and it made me tired!' would have gone a long way.
-- mizal on 11/2/2017 5:36:08 PM with a score of 0
Your English is pretty good. :D
-- Crescentstar on 11/2/2017 2:58:36 PM with a score of 0
Good job, I like how much work went into making this. Can’t wait for part 2!
-- TheCreatorZ on 11/2/2017 2:20:31 PM with a score of 0
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