1/13/2018

9/14/2025 6:34 PM

853

4

2 wins / 0 losses

Infrangible Warden

A Treatise on Heartly Manners

A contest entry for Bucky's year's end contest: choose your own prompt II.
Play as Lord Robert, the baron of Rivellon, at the lowest point of his life. He's cheated on by his wife, betrayed by his liege and filled to the brim with a turmoil of conflicting emotions.
How does his life end? 

Avarga

Entry for EndMaster's Prompt Contest 3. In this epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption, Your journey will take you to the very edge of existence and beyond. Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?

Brimstone

Allow me to share my story.

Cannibal Apocalypse

Pretty sure this isn't meant for the family-friendly category.

AvargB

unpublished

Contest Winner

unpublished

It did not win.

Darkest Hour

unpublished

The year is 2478 and the human race once again finds itself within Sol's borders. Like a phoenix from our bitter past, we have risen anew.

Like Aeneas, we had been cast out of our home. We searched the galaxy for a new home, and like him, we found it and made it our own. We struggled and were battered by the harsh conditions. But now, both ready and willing, we will eclipse the legends of old.

Now we shall fight to reclaim what is rightfully ours.

General Butt Naked

unpublished

FOR ENDMASTER'S CONTEST<, PRAISED BE THE LEGEND.

Liberia and Sierra Leone are small countries on the west coast of Africa. Like many African countries, the lands are extremely rich in natural resources and vibrant in culture.

However, in the 1980s the climate halted in corruption and mismanagement under the All People's Congress Party. With over 70% of the people barely capable of buying a single cup of rice, survival became much harder. Not trusting in the democratic process any longer, the RUF was formed to drastically revamp the economic system and redistribute the country's wealth. They fought for education, jobs, and true democracy. In the process, they pillaged the lands and cut off many limbs.

It is in these times Joshua Milton Blahyi is born, butt naked. And in these times he'll fight, butt naked. For he is:

General Butt Naked.

Neglected

unpublished

This is my neglected story.

zExpedition Aquarius

unpublished

For centuries, man has scoured the stars, desperate to find its likeness. Thus far all was for naught; empty husks and barren rocks worked hard to crush his dreams. There was just one anomaly, one beacon amid the darkness. This is its story. This is the story of man's first foray to the stars.

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Expedition Aquarius

zLetters Unanswered

unpublished

An epistolary novel containing the desperate pleas of a sole father. How will he bring his daughter safety in a city ripe for rebellion?

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Letters Unanswered

Oh I see it now. May I suggest placing the prompt in front of the stories instead of below them? Below the stories are the reviews and why would you willingly taint yourself with lesser opinions before reading the stories themselves

Just like always, I'm typing as I go. So let's get this started. Straight of the bat: this is a new one. I now know exactly who these two authors are but not what their prompt is. Guess I'll have to forego my usual expectation rant and play the prompt guessing game as I go. That's sure one way to pull a fast one on the critique. Alright without further ado, I'll be judging on theme and overall entertainment, deducting points for things that irk me. Blame Mizal. Enter's whim is wholly negative today. ---- Story A: The very start felt weak. There are a lot of immediate sensations endemic to how everyone starts writing in the second person perspective: you are on a unstable path, cold air hits you, etc. But there isn't much of a backdrop or a scene to place those sensations in. A good opening pulls you into that scene, builds it up interesting enough to makes you imagine everything. These descriptors are shamelessly trying to force you to accomplish that, but they are unsupported, almost amateurishly intense in their intentions, and bounce right off due to it. The second thing that irked me is the sixth paragraph where the same rhythm repeats itself with the introduction of the elderly man. He notices, he walks away, he leads you. You do this. He does that. You feel this. You see that. They're a sequence of all very superficial feeling sentences. In the rare occasions the protagonist has a thought, it's a cocksure superficial observation and rarely a line of thoughts or deductions that extends past the first sentence. Now I am not saying you need to spend 500 words describing the murder scene in all gruesome detail or spend as much on pure angst, but this reads more like a report than a story that pulls you in. Some details that make the scene feel lived in would be appreciated. Now the facts all just pile up without any getting that special highlight to settle in. To make it make more sense to the author, because good writing adapts to its audience: this shit reads like the fucking minecraft movie. And that is not a good thing. Anyway enough about the writing itself. Let's talk about the prompt and theme. I'm guessing you've been given a ghost prompt, possibly a detective prompt. If it is a ghost prompt, I found it a very interesting choice to spend an entire paragraph detailing just how nice ghosts are compared to the obviously big bad human race. Is this another weak attempt of subverting expectations? Man, I think you should direct a show, something about a game with thrones. That worked out great for them too. The first hint of danger and suspense, something that should be the central part of any ghost story, was much further down the story. A little boy, a classic. It's here that the rapid pace finally settled down a bit and the writing became better. So if you haven't got a clue about what I meant in the first two paragraphs, here's a nice and simple trick for you. Skip most of the naked descriptors. Just write more dialogue. Well then the turn came, and it while the plot itself had more potential, the evil monologue at the end is entirely unnecessary. I also think the turn itself could be more than two sentences of heart thumping and teleporting back. As an aside, the monologue is a far cry from a resentful king. If I would have one sweeping change to make, it would be to spread that interview with the kid out for the entire two thousand words, cutting away the rest. Then try to build that suspense alongside the plot within that single scene. Overall good plot held back by bad writing. Theme 2/5 Entertainment 2/5 Enter's whim -1 ---- Story B In contrast story B held the better pacing. But even there I felt the "Leon doesn't exist" came way out of the left field without any buildup of either suspense or danger beforehand. To be honest I was lulled a bit before, glazing over the dialogue and descriptions that all implied the old woman wasn't a big deal. Still mentally cursing hypochondriacs, I was suddenly met with pedo shit and silver knives and that forced me to backread to get back into the scene. I'd feel that if you shortened the ride on the way in favor for a longer scene with both Agnes and Lily before all hell broke lose, you'd have more options to foreshadow and build up the tension. Secondly I also feel that the epilogue is exactly that, an superfluous appendix that just like the real thing can be cut away without a hitch. The prompt is definitely about someone dealing with the supernatural. And in that I feel like both stories got the gist of it, while missing the core of what makes a horror good. Yes the jumpscare or the sleeping girl thrown against the camera by the ghost at the end of the movie is scary, but that happens by the end. You know why it happens at the end and why those instances were so memorable? Because the movie spend a full fucking hour and a half building up to that moment. It's the suspense, the increasing levels of perceived danger that makes it good, otherwise it's just a bunch of gymnastics. And each entrant failed spectacularly at that; A by going the retard route of ghosts being just a bunch of happy little bobos compared to humans, and B by jumping from ah don't listen to her, to the apparent CEO of Hell Incorporate within the span of a single sentence. Oh I forgot B's score. Yeah, I talked less about B than A. That's usually a good thing. Theme 3/5 Entertainment 4/5 Enter's whim -2 Yeah you won.

Well seeing as I did so the round before, I'll first up start by writing what I'll be looking out for. See this as that sad sequel trying and failing to capture the original's magic. Alright. What the fuck. What is that prompt, dude. I guess the last one was too specific for you folks, so you figured you can't get off-prompt when the prompt itself is as wide as your mom was back when she still called herself pretty. Might need the next one to be a story about a woman and/or a man, though, just to be safe and not steer too far off-course with your own interpretation. Anyway with the prompt being about as creative as a sad sack of Cricket's thrown away potatoes, I'll mainly be judging whether I'd prefer reading these stories over watching cat videos. Because that's what I am looking for when reading about a holiday. A lads' holiday, family holiday or even a solo backpacker's holiday in Thailand (but definitely not for those reasons guys, it's all spiritual!), all of them sport those feelgood warm vibes with good company, a fun getaway from the 9-5 drab. Well, unless you're one of those tragic people who sit at McDonalds all by their lonesome on Christmas, but I'm going to ignore those just as they're ignored in real life. Yeah nothing much to add to that. Pretty simple and generous prompt, I sure hope nobody fucked this up. ----- Story A: Yeah, you fucked this up. You're the type of guy who puts Die Hard on for Christmas, loudly yelling at all the crying 5 year old nieces that YES IT IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE WHY ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED. Give those kids Home Alone, man. They deserve it. Hell, even Frozen is better than this, so you can dump those kids and have an actual conversation with their mom the next room over. It's even worse. I read on and it's not even the 4th of July, but the 2nd. It's not even an actual holiday but just a random modern attention whoring thing for 'awareness'. Yes I am aware y'all a bunch of fags, I did not need an extra day for that. Did you know 16th September was rock collecting day? Yeah me neither. That's how stupid this all is. Except rock collectors. Those are genuine, man. More genuine than this will ever be. There were no good warm vibes Christmas vibes, or happy summer holiday vibes that I was looking for. The start of the story took too long traveling. Who likes a travel day, let alone reading about a travel day? Why did you bother making a solid 25% of your story a travel day? Moreover, when the good vibes were about to start you had to ruin the moment with a bunch of UFOs. It was all a bit meh. But the story did have a first person protagonist, and I am always a fan of that one. Also I'm just making this score to keep track. Prompt 1/5 Entertainment 2/5 Enter's whim 3/5 Total 6/15 ---- Story B. Alright. I settled in, paused the cat that meowed like a chirping bird and am met with the following opening sentence: "The blood wouldn't stop flowing". Now I am doing my due diligence and will continue reading, as any self-respecting reviewer would, but you fucked up, man. You fucked up. If the previous contestant put Die Hard on, you just yanked the remote out of his hand and switched the channel to the sequel of Terrifier. Do you think the five year olds are liking that more? Well, don't bother answering, you are promptly kicked out of my house and never invited for a family dinner ever again. Well I was about to say you brought it back again, remarking it was weird you started a feelgood story with that atrocious first sentence, but in the end it actually turned out to be a slasher, alongside a plot even more retarded than most within that genre. Now this one is a rough one to judge. If I'm going by what I was looking for this is a solid -5/5. Still, there were some genuine warm moments before you fucked up royally again, and they were together as a family away from their day to day jobs. And while the slasher part was unnecessary, I can't deny it was way more interesting than an alien lover running away from his aliens. Also, while not being a first person protagonist, you did include the harder hitting sentences. I was particularly fond of the following one. 'The man's viscera streamed from the wound, his intestines spiraling outwards like a spool of thread, undone.' The undone does it. Prompt -2/5 Entertainment 4/5 Enter's whim 4/5 Total 6/15 --- So I'm retroactively making Story A's prompt a 0/5 because goddamn UFO day is retarded and not a holiday. Congrats Story B. You got my vote. Also, story A: your story once again ended just as it was getting interesting. I'd really suggest reading your first draft again to see where it fails to hold even your interest, and cutting that out in favor for the actual good shit.

Even with no role! Mercer gang!

I'll enter a troll

1) Fucked up uterus 2) Fucked up lungs 3) Fucked up pair of spleens, which is extra fucked up because you usually only got one 4) Fucked up castellvi vertebrae 5) Idk 6) The fucked up CT-Cerebrum you don't want your unconscious granny to have 7) A hilt of an oversized sword plunged straight through someone's fucked up shadow

I always like a nice graph. Well done on running this whole multi-month reading contest smoothly (or at least I wholly trust you'd done so because that graph is nice)! Congratulations to Cat also. Seems the site's penguin squad really got some fierce catty competition this time.

Absolutely crazy to imply a bunch of happy spray painting kids would be closer to the man's vision than a roving murdering, stealing and raping bunch if you want to play it that way.

Their rates have gone down since they started rioting over there, so I can't complain