Player Comments on Phoenix Whip

If I had to describe this storygame with one word, it would be this: ambitious. Phoenix Whip is an earnest attempt to try its hand on playable character agency. What if a videogame character could experience crisis of identity, not only knowing that it has reincarnated, but also knowing it is controlled by some force outside the confines of its reality? It's a concept filled with potential, and Poison_Mara makes good to try to get the player invested in this conflict. The pacing is a bit sporadic. By the time the player might want to get invested in the world of the "game," the player is already confronted with reality breaking mechanisms. You are very quickly made aware what this storygame is about. Some choices are a bit confusing, and certain consequences come with no warning. If you're a fan of "stream of consciousness" style of prose, you'll get your fill.

It was only through reading the comments that I was able to know that poison_mara had English as a second language. Credit to where it's due, it always impresses me how someone is able to pick up another language other than their mother tongue, but I'll play no favorites here.

The format needs work and revision throughout the whole story, even besides text typos. Quotation marks aren't always put in the right positions, random brackets appear without closing, there are many instances of incorrect punctation and certain paragraph breaks make the reading confusing. Overall, like a lot of works that only go through a first pass, it needs editing. However, despite the mistakes, I saw good instances of prose, like how this line uses personification:
"Your turn comes and immense drowsiness invades you."
There are plenty of well-crafted lines like this.

It was odd seeing references to real world intellectual properties and companies. By reference, I mean that the things in question are quite explicit. Dune, Megaton from Fallout 3 and Electronic Arts are mentioned. Speaking of which, I think I can gather that Poison_Mara doesn't like EA very much (understandable).

I'll admit that the typos and format errors did take me out of the narrative a bit, but strangely enough it didn't take me completely out of the experience. To explain what I mean, the storygame itself explores the idea of experiencing a character's life from its own perspective rather than the player. Of course, I couldn't forget that I was the player, but when the story made it obvious how the protagonist is being controlled by gamers, it could still connect me to the ideas it was trying to tackle. I'm controlling, respawning and controlling the actions of this character in the storygame. If this character could in fact experience what I was doing to it without any agency, how does that reflect me as a player? Am I just an unfeeling monster exercising dominance through a computer mouse? It's fanciful thinking, but a story that can get me to be critically conscious of my actions is worth some recognition, and the typos couldn't take that away from me.

Overall, I do think this storygame could have used more time for development, but it handles the main concept decently. With proofreading and editing and smoother pacing, this would have gotten a higher rating. However, despite the critique, I can't say I wasn't entertained. Give it a try; you might like it.

Score: 4/8

4/8. I didn't understand the ending.

Ending:

EA holographic Headquarters

Life is wonderful, there is nothing like being the maximum shark in a pool full of sharks. These last months were crazy.

I thought it was finished, but lucky to have a brain going whip. This quarter saved me from being cremated ...

You moan with pleasure. While looking at Jeeves, your junior, busy keeping your stock warm and on the rise under your desk made of genuine human skin, your former boss who is undoubtedly more useful as a piece of furniture.

You clearly hear knocking three times on your security door; the scanner shows your secretary

"If it happens ..." you say sulking, you don't like to be interrupted in your half hour of relaxation.

The old lady narrates the questions professionally: "The developers ask for more time to optimize Phoenix whip.

"No kidding! April 12th. This is the day we have used in our advertising. I have chosen the second holo photo as the final cover. Now go away!"

"Yes sir" your secretary murmurs with terror knowing how aggressive you become during your daily half-hour of pelvic yoga.

Ahhhhh ... Yes! "You say stretching more de-stressed after kicking Jeeves out from under your table? Jeffrey ... Over the years all twenty-somethings. Just out of college, They all end up looking the same. After all, everyone is the same on their knees.

This game certainly was a trip. It left me confused and stunned when I hit the "end game" button, and it was an entirely new, exhilarating way to experience that feeling. It was like I had been introduced to several different worlds in playing through a singular storyline. It subverted everything I expected and surpassed in quality what it did end up presenting me with.

With such a diverse setting, I found it easy to get lost, yet easier to get drawn back in. Every choice I made served to send me deeper down a rabbit hole of twists and turns; a world (or perhaps universe?) in constant change that only served to heighten the already thrilling story. Just as I began to grasp onto some semblance of understanding, the game would rip it out of my hands with a devilish grin and flip my whole adventure on its head and kick me in the other direction. This kept me guessing at what was to come next and drove me to seek out a conclusion right up until it landed in my lap.
I must say, the ending came as a surprise. I wasn't entirely sure it had ended, as the story hadn't slowed down in the slightest towards the conclusion. I remember thinking to myself, "Is that really the end? So soon?" And it was. However, this game being shorter in nature only lends itself to the most interesting aspects of the story and what I have mentioned before. I didn't feel cheated in the slightest as I slowly came to understand that this wild ride had come to an end.


Thanks for making such a unique story, it was a joy to run through.

The grammar of the story can be forgiven considering the fact that it was written by an ESL speaker, so I won't say much on that matter.

Phoenix Whip is an interesting dystopian story. Its plot is also unique--so much so that even writing a review for this storygame is an effort.

The plot is, by far, this story's strongest point. There is the issue of certain choices being completely meaningless, but this is explained near the end of the story. However, there are aspects of the plot that are never explained--and though most of them are relatively minor details, the lack of understanding can be frustrating.

The characters, as later explained by the plot, are shallow. Sadly, this also applies to the protagonist, who, for the most part, does not apply to the laws of the plot--not for most of the story, anyway.

The settings vary wildly and switch suddenly, which makes it difficult to keep track of. However, attention to detail is given in every setting--and though the setting could switch at the drop of a hat, you are not left to wonder what the new current place looks like.

All in all, this story is good--the plot is great, and this story actually has better grammar than some of the stories I have seen written by native English speakers. The story itself is, in a way, thought-provoking, and is definitely worth reading.

I really feel sticking more dystopian would serve you better. I feel like this just veered off too much. But take the world you were starting to build and build that world fully then bring in some characters and I think you have the talent to write a great story.

that was cool

Hmm, this is quite an interesting read, there's quite a lot of information, and has one of the most unique plots. Good job, Mara.

Good story

Poison_mara certainly has a talent for describing imaginative new worlds and disturbing situations. And at time her characterizations, delivered in two-line powerpacks of descriptive prose, are bizarrely off the wall (in a good way). Case in point: the "computerized voice that sounds like a porn actress with bronchitis." I'll bet no one will look at Siri the same way again....

This is a relatively short storygame, although Mara has packed a lot of narrative within these 12,000 words. Very much worth the read.

I really enjoyed this! It has great content and is mostly very well written. I say mostly because, although I can tell you are a talented writer, there were a couple of sections that felt a little rushed (as I Will11 was getting at). Overall though, it was wonderfully weird (just as sci-fi should be) and altogether a great story.

I don't think many members have written so many stories in such a short space of time and of such good quality too :D With strong writing and a creative and imaginative storyline I am beginning to think of this as "your style" and certainly you seem to have a gift for out-of-the-box settings and plots. Your characters and situations are always realistic and compelling and I thought this was a really good story :) Be careful of writing too much too quickly though as the quality may deteriorate as has happened to some writers in the past (particularly fan fiction writers for some reason). This story was great though :D