12/1/2020

5/21/2022 9:27 PM

12

0

0 wins / 0 losses

Sage

(Entry) Endmaster Prompt Contest

unpublished

"A story that uses time travel or temporal mechanics as a game mechanic or major driving force..."

You have awoken with a splitting headache in a small motel room and little to no memory of how you got there. The door is locked, and strangely the lock itself is facing the wrong way; You are trapped here, the windows boarded over, various items are strewn about the place, the clock softly ticking—
A voice crackles to life and you are made awfully aware that your time is running out.

Time to nut up or shut up. 3 sounds like a lot of fun, so mark me down for that.

Here's the link to a solid article on dialogue. I reference this one a lot whenever I pull a blank on how you are supposed to put words on a page.
https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/

I do have a bit of advice in regards to formatting dialogue. This is entirely constructive, don't think I'm picking on you. When it comes to dialogue, it is correct to end your sentences with a comma instead of a period (unless it is at the end of the paragraph). The difference is slight but makes a difference.
Ex.
Wrong: "It's not all bad." Jim said.
Correct: "It's not all bad," Jim said.

Furthermore, with each change to a new speaker, you should start a new paragraph. For grammar reasons. And so you don't have crappy sentences that are hard to follow.
Ex.
Wrong: "Won't you just leave me alone?" Tina sighed. "Not until you give me an answer," grinned Stephen. "Fine," Tina groaned, "I'll tell you..."
Correct:
"Won't you just leave me alone?" Tina sighed.
"Not until you give me an answer," grinned Stephen.
"Fine," Tina groaned, "I'll tell you..."

These are two very important rules to follow in the structuring of dialogue, and they will help your scenes flow naturally if you do it right. If your characters are given enough, well, character, then you can take it a step further and stop constantly referencing people in a scene. Can also give off a back-and-forth effect if short enough.

"Give me the stone," the wrinkled old man wheezed. "A child such as yourself should not play with such things."
"What claim do you have on it, ancient one?" You retort.
"You try my patience, boy."
"And you mine."
A toothless snarl transforms into hoarse laughter. "Oh, you're quite the cheeky one! If that's the case, then—" The old codger leapt forth, surprising you with his agility and vigor, snatching the smooth, ovular rock from your hands, then dashing off with a cackle. "Try to keep up!" he taunts.
You were beginning to doubt you could after such a display, but you still chased after him...

Anyways, there you have it. Hope this helped some.

I don't think I can pinpoint anything specific that I like about this piece without rambling on nonsensically about my own view of the story, but I do know that I like it, so allow me to ramble away anyhow.

One possibility could be how "time" seems to be subtly stressed as a focal point (I've always been a sucker for screwing around with time). "He said he would see me later." carries a certain weight behind it. Even with the restriction of one hundred words, it gives you that chilling feeling of what's to come, and the brevity of that situation adds impact to such a statement. The implication that time had a start lead me to become aware that it would also have an end, and there is a certain looming anxiety associated with that awareness of an impending departure. Every sentence inched closer to the promise of meeting the clockman once more, while also racing towards the finish line. These two prominent events I had singled out in my mind colliding at the end of the road made for an exciting climax and a hunger for more story at what felt like a cliffhanger.

Again, these are just sort of... observations that came about from my own interpretation of the story. Make of it what you will. Perhaps I'm just overanalyzing something simple that caught my eye, but I don't think that's the case. I think there are a lot of interesting devices to be tinkered around with and considered in this compact package of a story. Otherwise, why would I even bother posting my opinion, right?
Anyways, nice work. It was definitely something for my brain to chew on for a while.

Hey hey!

Well, that's reassuring, thanks for the welcome. From your description that does sound pretty annoying. Especially having to deal with them time after time again, that has to be tiring.

I see. I suppose that could be kind of intimidating and off-putting, but I’m sure you guys have good reason to take action in such a way. Whatever it is, it seems to be working too, what with the active community surrounding this place. I’ll be on my best behavior then, and I’ll try to use my brain before I dive into something, realize I’m in over my head, and then get banned for doing something idiotic.

Thank you! I will absolutely have to check those out. I have no idea how long Eternal is, but I can definitely see it turning into a weeklong ride that I'm totally down for. If those other works of his are anything of the caliber Eternal is, I'll soon be chasing those down too. With gusto. Maybe have a bit of a break to see what some other authors have to offer along the way— so many choices! No questions currently, and I may do a bit of writing, depends on how inspired I'm feeling when the mood hits me to start clacking away... And if that's the case, I'll be sure to do it right away! @endm— Now wait a second, what was that about a ban .>.

Oh, I'll for sure be taking a look around! Thanks for the tip

Thanks!