Player Comments on Princess of the Fairies

The prose is basic but not much of it stood out.

"This is a fairytale told by Grandmother"

Who's grandmother? Your grandmother? Mine? This is a pretty minor thing for me to point out admittedly but its telling that even after skimming your story the answer to this question doesn't really matter at all.

You do that annoying thing where the narrator is like "oh you picked the wrong choice! Go back and choose the right choice!", like, I've seen that used a couple of times by now and I really don't get it. I get the feeling that you may not be very good at viewing your story from another person's perspective, as if the act of picking a choice was the most exciting thing in the world and we'd need our hand held if we picked the "wrong" choice...

If you want the player the feel guilty for picking a certain path, maybe describe what happened in a grimdark fashion and let the player come to that conclusion themselves!

It doesn't seem like you've given much thought to the specificity of how you worded your story, hence why I said your prose doesn't stand out. If you want the reader to give thought to what your saying, then you need to show them that you did the same. Alas, I don't get that vibe from what I read at all unfortunately.

Oh, and most importantly, DON'T USE AI IN YOUR STORY! This goes beyond you not putting thought into this, Ai pictures are horrendous to look at because they are mockery of actual REAL art made by REAL people! This is why I decided to be more harsh in my assessment of your story than I am with most on this site. Its just embarrassing if I'm being honest with you.

1/8 Try reading some other stories on this site (I know, its a big ask, since reading can be boring unless you care to engage with other people's stories) and actually pay attention to how they are structured down to the word and sentence choices. The greatest idea in the world won't have much effect if you don't discipline yourself to communicate it properly. No one is asking for perfection here, just an honest effort. If you can do that, your stories will get actual praise instead of flowery words given from people who are too afraid to say anything "mean" or "hurtful" about what you wrote (granted, I'm not saying no one got anything out of what you wrote, but I think even if your just looking for basic engagement from your readers, writing what your trying to communicate better would go a long way to ensuring that will happen more!)

I can only hope you learn from this in some way instead of disappearing into the Ether like so many other noobs here (or continuing to write extremely subpar stories, but whatever, you do you I suppose). (DM me if you want more detailed feedback for whatever reason)

Best of luck moving forward I guess!

Cheers! ;)

"Luke laughed in a way that made Eloise's legs feel weak, in a good way" was hilarious to me.

I think that this is a fun story that doesn't overstay its welcome. I like the choice to narrate it from the perspective of a grandmother telling a story to her grandchildren. The writing here is decent, certainly an improvement over your last story. There were some issues with spacing sometimes but for the most part I didn't notice many glaring typos or consistent grammatical mistakes. Some of the pages could be more descriptive of the setting or action, but others did a fine job at this (although some of the details and descriptions didn't make much sense - describing the protagonist as the prettiest "magnolia in Maine" while in a fantasy setting is a bit jarring. does Grandma live there?).

Work can be done to make it feel less linear and make the choices more impactful. As it stands, each choice is either "right" or "wrong," and if you choose the wrong option, it will show you what would happen if Eloise happened to pick that choice in reality. I think a better way to handle this is to treat CYOA writing a little like improv - using the rule of "yes, and" to let the readers mold the story into something a little different with each playthrough rather than a strict "right or wrong" interpretation. The exception to this may be a death ending (which there shouldn't be an overwhelming amount of these in the story to railroad the reader the right way) or a choice that's intentionally outrageous.

I think this is a solid attempt at fantasy writing, and I liked this more than your last story. I'll rate this a 4/8 with room for improvement, but a good foundation to work from. Nice job!

The story is fine. Kind of nice, and a little bit short. It's a good read for little kids.

I don't like AI images. Make art or don't have pictures. Also, what was with telling me my choices were wrong? That felt a bit rude.

The title of this story slightly stamps it as a girl’s children’s story (or perhaps an account about a drag queen) but I thought I’d give it a go. It’s nice to see a story starting with Lo! 😊 The narrative style is quite traditional in a sort of Grimms’ Fairy Tales / Hans Christian Andersen way. It’s not really a multiple-choice story as all the choices outside the main thread of the story are identified as wrong and only extend for a page or two (interestingly one page identifies both choices as wrong!). We learn the important lesson of not to go around kissing sleeping women if we don’t know them very well.

The story was nice and I got what we could call the true love ending. There wasn’t really any risk or challenge though: my girl went to find a handsome boy, found him and married him. It might be nice if there was a bit more to it than that (perhaps even discussions about mutual finances and living arrangements would have expanded it a bit), more extended branches and possibly more fable-type stuff or even interactions with the plots and characters of existing fables. I’ll give this 4/8 because it was an ok read but it was quite short with limited branching and I think it might have been difficult to expand it out of the narrow confines imposed by the narrative style and plot as well. A good start though.