Player Comments on Shifter

Shifter is a great effort by one of the most promising up-and-coming writers on here! I am incredibly honored to read and review this story, primarily because of the passion I see on each page. The fact that she managed to write 28k words at 12 years of age, is seriously impressive. That being said, I do think there are a few issues with the work, that if fixed, will make this a really good story.

Let's talk about things I really liked here:

1. Describing the environment

Many times, especially in the older stories written by younger kids, authors don't take time to describe the environment you're in. Obviously, CYOAs aren't the same as prose writing, but even a sentence here or there helps enhance reader immersion.

So that being said, I love the way you describe the main characters dream in the beginning, it shows lots of promise!

"A slight breeze makes every dandelion shifts a bit, and the wind moving the dandelions almost makes it feel like the field's alive."

The imagery here is surreal and really helps bring me into the mood of this trippy, dream-esque environment.

Furthermore, Avo has a good command over her writing, and she varies up her verbs and adjectives. I like her preference to use active voice over passive voice, I see this mistake being made a lot by younger writers, and when you have something entirely written in passive voice, it's never a good sign. So I'm really happy to see that Avo largely avoids this pitfall.

2. Variety in choices

On some pages, there are up to three to four choices available. As this is a choose your own story, it's gratifying to know that we have freedom as a reader to make choices and explore stories that may not be the main story the author wants to tell. So I like the Avo kept that in mind, and gave us an evil path. It's kind of clear that the "canon" path is where you make friendships with Flow, Fecin, and the other shifters, so I do like that at the end, we have a choice to turn evil on the very last page. It's rather dramatic, and it's pretty fun to embrace the dark side.

3. Worldbuilding and Magic System

I like this world. It's very interesting, and there are a lot of cool descriptions being offered to show us how the shifters manipulate the world around them. Reading this story, it kind of brought me back to when I was 12-13. There's a certain level of boundless imagination on display here, that feels positively refreshing, because as a writer, when building ambitious magical worlds, it's kind of hard to trust the process and trust that readers will enjoy it. At least, it was for me, when I was 21 and wrote my first story on the site(October-November 2024. I was stuck in between 2 worlds, on one hand I wanted to make it cool and exciting, but on the other hand, I kept second guessing myself and thinking, "is this too much?", "would this be kind of cringe", "this feels derivative". Although I'm not saying 12-13 year olds don't feel this way, I do think there's a certain level of unrestrained freedom where the world feels limitless, and that's exactly the kind of mentality you need when writing. So, tangent over, I want to say, I love the ambition, the scale, and the sheer awesomeness of your ideas Avo. While the concept of shifting molecules has been done before, like in Avatar the last air bender and some other stuff that aren't coming to mind right now, I think you managed to make this your own because of the way you integrate science so heavily into the methods of molecule shifting.

I like the way you set up internal rules and strict guidelines like "the barrier" within your world, because that's a really key component of world building. And you grasp these concepts intuitively, and within your work, things don't feel implausible or unrealistic given the world that you set up. I like the idea of the barrier, that's a pretty good instance of "checks and balances", since obviously, humans are made up of 70 percent water, someone's going to be like, "well, why don't you just manipulate the water content in someone's body and kill them." So that's a pretty good instance of forward thinking, and being clever and creative to ensure the fidelity of the magic system you created.

I found the world and the concept to be fun, refreshing, and for the most part, reasonably internally consistent. As long as nothing egregious pops up while doing a casual read, you get a win in my book. And nothing really stood out to me as wrong, or scientifically inaccurate.

4. Scientific accuracy

Avo, your mindset and your dedication and passion have done wonders for this story. I really love how sincere you are when it comes to doing a good job with writing. You take this craft seriously, and it shows with the research you did when coming up with the story.

The links I sent you are complex and challenging. The Colorado PheT simulations are high school level. They routinely use them in AP classes. So when you said that you had trouble understanding what's going on, I wanted to tell you, don't beat yourself up, because you're doing a great job simply by stepping up to the batter's plate and taking a swing. You're taking a chance, diving into a complex field rife with strange rules, incredibly complicated math, and layers, whereupon each time you progress to a new level, the information you learn contradicts what you previously thought. In elementary school and middle schools, models of molecules that aren't exactly true to form are presented, because it's essential that you get a picture in your head for how it works so that later on in high school or college, when your teacher tells you that what you learned when you were younger was an oversimplification, you can open your mind to more complex ideas.

So that being said, you showed a lot of maturity and gumption to take the links I sent you seriously, engage with a critical mindset, and to approach this project like a scientist. The scientific method stress curiosity. It begins with asking a question, "why?", "how?", and by doing so, you really impressed me and I'm so proud of you Avo. I love the way you asked questions, and you took my answers, and then asked more questions. That's how you learn science and get better at it.

I think this is a game that kids can use to learn the fundamentals of molecules and physical chemistry, before moving on to more advanced classes. The information presented within is accurate to the level that you're at, and I think that's a good starting point for kids to be at before they confront their upper level science classes. I do want to say that I'm glad you presented the Bohr model in the "Basics of Atoms" page, since even though it's inaccurate now, it's accurate enough to where you get to the point where you can understand the Quantum-Mechanical Model of Atoms. There's a reason that teachers teach the Bohr model first, because it prepares you for the mindset to accept the quantum mechanics model once you reach that age.

I think after four or five years, Avo, you'll come back to my comment and understand more about what I mean.

I think you did a stellar job with the science for the age group you're targeting, and there's a level of sincerity and charm that won me over!

Things I didn't like:

1. Page Length

I do think editing is going to be your best friend in this story. Longer isn't always better, and I think some of the dialogue, exposition, and unnecessary detail can be trimmed, and you'll still maintain the charm and good parts of the story.

When reading a CYOA, the text needs to be engaging, otherwise you feel like you're slogging through the pages before you reach a choice.

So I would recommend that you go through the pages with an edit pass, and a good rule of thumb is that you want more action per page so that it doesn't feel like pages are progressing, but the action is stalled.

Your story is a training camp story, so naturally, it falls in the trap of muddled pacing in order to set the world up. The disadvantage is that many readers have seen a few of these tropes played out over and over, from the time of Harry Potter, so just some food for thought.

2. A backstory that seems a bit contrived.

I've spoken about this with other readers on the site before, but normally, I'm a kind of guy who likes emotion in reading. It's rare for me to look at something, and think, that feels a bit contrived. But in this story, I felt like the main character's backstory of being a bully was rather hamfisted and unnecessary, because I didn't see any instances where it played a major role in the characters thought processes or why he makes the decisions he does. One could argue that the last choice at the end, where you choose to become a tyrant or nice could be an example of setting a backstory up to foreshadow the main character's descent into evil, but it just wasn't very convincing.

The issue is that I don't really feel convinced that this is a fully 3-dimensional character. As I read through the story, I see many instances where you're clearly setting something up, but it feels rather contrived.

When you only mention a backstory once, and then move on to the regular story, it feels like you added a backstory because you had to rather than writing something that serves the character and the narrative you're trying to tell.

3. Edutainment that isn't always folded in smoothly with the rest of the story.

The pacing feels jarring, because you interrupt the story to give us huge blocks of information. I think the story struggles to find a balance between education and entertainment. One way to do this a bit smoothly is to include external links. These are optional links that the reader can click on, while also having the freedom to continue the main narrative. This preserves a bit of choice, and helps the reader avoid dry blocks of science that mess up their immersion.

I know you have a lot of information to deliver, but you don't want to risk boring the reader. I think another thing you could work on is making the choices directly connected to the science. One thing that kind of disappointed me is that I would have liked to have seen choices that depend on your knowledge of the subject.

Don't take this as me comparing you to Mystic, both of you are splendid writers in your own stages, so I'm not trying to compare you but merely using this as an example. In Mystic's story, we see a clear instance where we learn a concept then the following choices depend upon our knowledge. Aside from an instance in the beginning, where we're asked what the formula for water is, we don't get the chance to use our knowledge and have it determine the choices we make.

Many of the choices lead to death endings that end the story prematurely, essentially forcing us along one path.

I did like the choice between shifting the entire Earth or doing 1 molecule, it's clear that you tried to integrate the content into the game, but the major issue is that the correct choice is a little too obvious.

I think the best way to improve this would be to go through the story one more time, consult a beta reader, and remove segments where the narrative lags. Ask the beta reader what parts they found interesting, and what sections did they feel dragged. Ask them if some information delivered was a bit too obvious, and could be removed or folded more seamlessly into the narrative. Then add instances where the reader has to use their knowledge of the things you just learned in order to make choices that influence the direction of the story.

I would also try to make the characters a bit more interesting/memorable. As it is, all of the characters fall into archetypes, which is never a good sign, since you want your readers to like your characters and to remember them. I think of all the characters we met, Sairol was my favorite, as she had a bit more individuality as the "ruthless mentor", but still, you can do better Avo.

It's a phenomenal effort, and impressive for your age. I have no doubt that within 2-3 years, you're going to become an author of great renown. Keep practicing, try different styles of prose, and experiment. Look at some common story arcs/plot diagrams, and then pick your favorite story on the site. Then, assign each stage to a specific moment in the story. I did this exercise with you when you first joined the site. I used Harry Potter, but now that you spent 2-3 months with us, you should do it yourself! You only learn if you sit down and go through all the stages of the story by yourself.

I also think you have the aptitude and skillset to pursue science. It's clear you're passionate and have many cool ideas, so don't stop! Grow this passion of yours, continue to immerse yourself in the world of science, and learn! Ask questions, and learn to be skeptical.

I don't doubt that your next story is going to be even better!

It’s nice to see that Avo doesn’t only write on the forums! Saying in your intro that you got lazy and short on time 2 weeks before the actual deadline does say to the reader “I didn’t put much effort into finishing this story so you shouldn’t either” 😊 Anyway, moving past that I like the disclaimer that we can’t actually move things with our minds – there’s a wasted lifetime of effort right there! :D I dare to dream though and prefer to believe in magic.

I love the way I literally roll out of bed in the mornings. There’s a ton of exposition on page one coupled with some of the biggest spacing between sentences I’ve ever seen – you could literally draw a cartoon strip after each line. I feel this could do with a fair bit of editing but the basic premise and science behind it is original and technically edutainment, even if I’m pretty much an elementalist or air bender or whatever. You have succeeded in making chemistry reasonably interesting though, which is more than my science teacher ever managed.

It got dark real quick when I was thinking about my life (this was probably the best written part) and the badges with pictures are a nice touch. You’re getting the hang of items and variables pretty well which bodes well for your future stories 😊 It seems a bit harsh that I’ve decided to kill my teacher because she’s not great at teaching but hey, I’m a teen and hormones gonna hormone. I love the idea that I go from “I’m planning first-degree murder” to “Oh look, a colourful thing!” And, of course, there’s a bunny girl that comes out of it who decides to break the fourth wall like she’s fricking Deadpool.

I don’t love the ending to be honest. I’m guessing you weren’t really sure how to end this so you went for… random? This might be a failure at the planning stage (were you making it up as you went along?) or, as you say, you might have just run out of steam and / or lost interest. I’m glad your imaginary people reassure you but I’m not sure if the real-life judges will be as forgiving and decide that the effort you put in is enough to keep you out of the Pit of Shame.

Personally, I think you made a good amount of effort but you need to practice your planning: know your endings, edit a bit more (though your spelling and pronunciation were good and the branching was fair) and avoid the kind of endings that it makes readers difficult to forgive you for :D I’ll give you 4/8, mostly for effort and also for a fairly original and well-explored idea. This is a big improvement on your last story though and I think you’re on the right track. Editing and planning are probably the next steps to master.

So.. I was going to make a detailed review, but it seems like this storygame is unfinished. I'd recommend unpublishing it and finishing the story up. There are still 15 more days for the contest's deadline so you should be able to at least reach some sort of resolution that isn't "I gave up so here's the rating page". People have been shamed despite submitting an entry before if said entry didn't meet site standards. Being unfinished is definitely a big red flag for that.

While we are here, I might as well also recommend that you reread your pages aloud to see if there are SPAG issues. Things like word omissions and confusions between 'your/you're' and 'their/they're' can be resolved by this. You could also try using grammar checker tools online.

I really hope that you give this story some more attention. The concept of magic through manipulation of atoms is actually quite neat and imaginative. It reminded me of 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' movie which I remember enjoying quite a bit when I first watched it. I also liked the exercises the protagonist was made to go through to realize the magnitude of the number of atoms he would have to shift to deal with a small object. This definitely has potential.

This is a lot better than your last attempts, Avo! You're making a lot of progress. I'll come back and give you a more detailed review later, you deserve it. Off the top of my head, though, mostly grammatical issues. See you with a proper review in two to three business days! ^_^ Or weeks. Or months. Or years. Eventually. At some point.

It fun but it needs more choices and I didn’t understand it that much

Anyone who tries to tell me I can't move objects with my mind in real life gets their game rated 1/8.

Just to let people know, it's colored text (black) which I'm aware can cause issues