Player Comments on Vira and Cupcake

A funny, reckless story about what children can do when left with unlimited powers and unguarded.

My favourite scenes were the interactions between the butlers and Vira. A bunch of sane NPCS VS one crazy player. They had sensible, honest reactions to events, while the main character is just out there doing whatever she wants. That contrast might apply to the real world too, who knows. But knowing that this is fiction makes me feel better about them being fired.

I liked the story overall. Although not very long, the background was established detailedly, underground, empress, horse, dead mom, all the key things understood. Then the plot goes straight into the main events. The story then ends on time so that the comedic effect of randomness doesn't wear off on the reader. The pace of the story was controlled very well.

One weird point was the horse being referred to as 'they', which kinda made it sound like a person. Using 'it' would be much better if you didn't want to assign a gender to it. Another was that there was nothing to learn from this story - a girl makes a mess in her underground kingdom (oh btw, why did it have to be underground?) and then the story ends. What can we learn from the mess? More elaboration on that would have been cool.

A cool story overall, effort is seen. Perfect to read while enjoying a short snack break.

It's clearly a storygame for humor, so I'll base my thoughts on that.

I actually didn't mind the writing too much, though I felt that the dramatic telling was a bit forced at times, and the quality of writing was a bit sloppy, but you did mention that little proofreading was done. I have to humorously note that on some occasions the spotty writing actually somewhat contributes to Vira's fervor for this cupcake (there are definitely better ways of expressing that thought, though.)

From a plot perspective, the story is relatively uneventful. The narrator is introduced, gives a speech, and dishes out a choice or two before the game ends hurriedly. For some of the endings, major changes in the plot and lore were mentioned but not expanded on. There is definitely room for development if the lore of this underground kingdom was fleshed out a bit more.

All in all, though, I found it to be relatively lighthearted story. The absurdity factor in the humor could be worked on, but I'm sure it'll get a few chuckles from some.

The story is both short and excessively wordy. Its strengths are undermined by confusing lines. The lack of effort shows. Also, why did you feel the need to ungender the horse?

“You will all worship Cupcake, the one and only true god on this planet. That will be your way of fixing them and apologizing to Cupcake for not realizing they were God sooner.”

Your writing can, with proper attention, be so much more clear. Your good humor will hit better. I did enjoy parts. You did make me laugh, when I wasn't having to labor through rushed lazy prose. This is far below your capabilities.

Time to read this story, by an author that makes me thank every shooting star for any misfortune she has. As always, I do a blind review until I get bored or review all the pages. I’ll put it at the bottom though because I know End just skims through these and doesn’t want to read all that.

General Review
I thought you weren’t supposed to make fetishized self inserts? I also never saw you as a horse girl either… Anyways, this was a pretty terrible story. I won’t even say anything about grammar, even though that was terrible, there’s plenty of source material without that. First off, I haven’t smiled, laughed, even acknowledged a joke, because each joke or thing you try to make funny is so horribly executed I legitimately can’t tell where your pathetic attempts at humor are at. I guess maybe the gore porn? And also, what’s your obsession with firing people? Are you Trump or something? In every single page it’s ‘He’s fired’ ‘They don’t have a job anymore’. We get it, she likes firing people. And also, if she’s so sadistic and willing to commit a genocide on her people just to appease a horse god, why wouldn’t she just kill them? It doesn’t make any sense. I mean she’s really mentally ill so I suppose she could just not think about it. Also, why is the dialogue so fetishized, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen smut on reddit with the same type of dialogue you have with the little boy. “Mistress please, don’t fire me”. It’s so gay, please keep porn off the site. Also, why is the entire short story in the past tense? And what’s with the weird dream about you learning about yourself? It’s so just… strange. This whole story is just strange in general, like a typed out fever dream, a fever dream dreamed up by a cracked out monkey with ebola. I could probably find more things to critique, but I’m not even having fun, this is so horrible that it feels like punching a toddler to write a negative review. There hasn’t been a single part of this story I’ve even remotely enjoyed, it just makes me sad that my ‘rival’ wrote this. It almost has me rooting for you.

Page by page
The dawn of a new age
First off, you could have at least capitalized the title for this one, lazy cunt. “You lowered your voice and leaned in close to him. He whimpered and leaned backwards into the earth wall.” Why did you add this before she says anything? Not even a dig this time I’m just legitimately curious. How the hell do you spell speech wrong? Are you fucking retarded? My grammar is horrible and my spelling is too, but how do you even look at the word speach and think it’s correct?

Yeah, I got through half of the first page and I can already tell, I’m not reading the entire story close enough to do a page by page. My fucking eyes are glazing over. I’ll skim and write my overall review. It’s god awful.

This was quite a fun story which was well-written and entertaining. I'm not a big fan of the style myself, it seemed a bit overly wordy in places and the gender pronoun thing is something I can take or leave but overall I thought this was pretty good.

This was hilarious to me.

This is a great story, even better than a Reese's cup. (Reese's cups are my favorite.)

I enjoyed this. It’s just the right amount of abstract craziness and of-beat humor that Checkers and I can really get behind.

Pro:
I didn’t detect any grammatical blunders. None significant enough to be memorable, at least.
I liked how the “affinity for horses” part of the prompt led the protagonist to conclude her horse is a god. Not something I would expect.
Vira does something insane, and to fix it, she shirks logic and doubles down on insanity.

Con:
I found the lack of gender pronouns for Cupcake to be annoying and at times, confusing. I had to reread a few sentences to understand what they were trying to convey.
Though I enjoyed Vira’s lunacy, her nearly constant screaming and general high-energy-ness to be slightly taxing to read.
Vira’s repeated threats of firing were underwhelming. One of the few areas that were lacking in upping the ante. To keep in line with her character, firing should have been only the first step, each successive offense by the help warranting more ridiculous and violent threats… or actions?

That’s all. Now I’m bored with reviews forever. I didn’t proofread this. Keep up the good work.