Player Comments on Adventures in the Sahel

I'm not sure what to think of this, really.

Your grammar was nearly perfect, but that's not a very big feat with such a short story.

You need to include more detail in your stories, that way the reader can have a clear image of what the characters are seeing and what they feel. Without detail, character development is almost nonexistant, and there's a really small amount of words on each page.

The plot was ok, but there's practically no explanation for the task the character must complete.

Multiple random, linear, and rather illogical encounters left me rather curious of what was happening. It was tough seeing these events happen with the little detail, in all honesty.

The story itself isn't very interesting. It needs a better opening, more detail, a better description of the setting, and more words in general.

2/8.

Do:
Include an explanation for why you are in Sahel (at some point, you need to at least figure out why. Oh, and why you have a knife and how you actually cook the gazelle);
Include an explanation for why if you ignore the nomad-lookin' guy you don't die because he is watching you still (and when you communicate you die :<);
Put more description in the pages;
Describe the village more!

Good:
Grammar;
Setting coherence.

Note: It's not very interesting. :( It actually has a nice amount of potential, though. :)

I hope your project went well!

What happened. Beginning was fantastic then it got weird

This one sounds exciting, but not exciting at the same time. The lead-in for the story makes it sound like it will be a good story. But then the line about needing to do this for school, well, that really takes away from the expectations of the story. A tip for authors: if your story is so bad that you have to give people warnings on the main page before they read the story, just don’t publish the darn story. Leave it in sneak peek mode and give the link to those you want to read it. Wait until you don’t have to give that warning before you bother publishing and things will go well for you, the author, and the readers of your story!

The story itself was quite short and lacking detail. There were a number of pretty random ends. I can appreciate that you might die when stranded in a desert, but still. Also, I think every single page could have used a bit more detail. After all, we’re in a desert. I think every page could emphasize that we’re in the desert. We could read about the heat, the beating sun, the dust, the sand, walking through the sand, feeling the heat on our backs, and so on. There’s many, many ways that this could be expanded to really bring the reader further into the story.

I hope the story served the purpose for your class. I guess it could work as a simple exposition. But as a story it certainly leaves a bit to be desired.

I like how you did your research on the Sahel and what kind of things are in it, but the way you put all the info together, I just couldn't shake the feeling I was reading out of a textbook! haha

Not sure if there's a way to survive. But I have an explanation for the talking hyena for anyone who's wondering about it. Maybe, the character was a lion king fan, and when he/she was dying, they hallucinated the hyena speaking as they were bleeding to death.

It was a pretty interesting experience, not a bad game. Considering it is a sort of a test to see if you could survive in the wilderness, it could have featured more realistic properties (like the ones Will mentioned), but again it is alright. I also didn't understand how, upon reaching the village, I didn't try to go back to where I had come from (how did I get into the Sahel anyway :p) before waking up in the Sahel, but I understand this is for school. 4/8.

The hyena thing pretty much killed me.

Not too bad. Don't forget having to turn your shoes upside down in the mornings to make sure no scorpions have slept there, frequently getting lost due to the featureless terrain (especially at night) and heat stroke being a massive killer if you don't cover your head and rest in the shade of rocks and trees during the hottest part of the day :)

Very educational, though I thought that having the hyena speak just to make a lion king reference kinda killed the immersion.

How does the hyena TALK? Unless you're completely dilusonal, that shouldn't happen.