Player Comments on Bastard

“If I see any rude or racist comments I will contact the admins and escalate the issue appropriately. You have been warned.”

Kill yourself, you illiterate street shitter.

I assume you didn't mean to leave this on sneak peek and this is an unfinished draft meant to plan out the basic structure of your story. In the Advanced Editor under Storygame Properties, there's a box you can uncheck that will take the game off of sneak peek.

As for what is there, lots of SPAG errors throughout. For example,

"When was the last time I saw you dear", the mom asks.

Where's the question mark after dear? Also 'the mom'? It should be 'his mom'. And the comma after the closing speech mark is unnecessary.

Wow. That description was super accurate! I think I literally became sick while reading it.

Holy broken links, this is so horrible. You are not winning the contest lil bro, matter of fact, I think my vampire stockholm syndrome romance story will be rated higher, if yours ever makes it out of development. Use the less than two weeks wisely, slacker.

Look. First thing's first, check the articles on the site as you have left the sneak peek option on or whatever it is called, that's why others can read your game.

Now, from the little I read, literally the first page and the first sentence... please go to thesaurus, use grammarly or read the articles on this site. There are problems with your pacing and especially your tendency to just tell the reader what the protagonist thinks, how he acts and what's the backstory. This is a huge flaw which turns the reader off. From the very first sentence. Make the reader see through the protagonist's eyes... in simple words: make the reader care for the story. In its current state there is neither entertainment nor immersiveness.

This isn't to dunk on your writing. The idea seems pretty interesting, but there are flaws in the actual execution.

Damn it's fuckin rough growing up in a cyberpunk dystopia when your parents were not lawfully wed.