Player Comments on Camp Massacare: 1985

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Compared to the other storygame, this one doesn’t begin with the strongest of first impressions: there’s a lack of punctuation mark in it’s, “girl a girl”, and the camp name is not capitalized. Proofreading errors aside, the description establishes setting, introduces the protagonist and deuteragonist, and hints at a future conflict. I like how it builds on the premise of the previous storygame, enriching that world while setting up the stage for this one.

Thankfully, the first page is much better in terms of editing. There is good description through the use of sensory details, such as references to sight, sound and heat
The first page is much better in terms of editing. In particular, I liked the recurring motif of heat. Yet, there is a slight adjective overuse. Just keep in mind that having too many adjectives weaken the impact of each. Similar to my feedback on the previous story, refrain from over-describing, as you only want to draw the reader’s attention to what is most important.

On a similar note, you could look to reduce redundancies. For instance, when mentioning the blue bag matching the color of his eyes, you don’t have to use the word ‘blue’ twice. And in the sentence “Most of the other families had likely driven down south for the summer, enjoying their summer vacation on a beach”, you could cut down one instance of summer, especially since it was already mentioned at the start of the page.

I enjoyed the personification, e.g. “relentless rays beat down on the asphalt”, “T-shirt clung to his chest like a second skin” and “doors creaked open, inviting him to step on”. Alliteration is used too. These literary devices make the setting feel more alive, which is all the more important as creating an immersive atmosphere is key to horror stories.

Now, moving onto the protagonist. It seems like the main thing readers find out about him is that he doesn’t like the heat. He gets to the bus, and right away, his first choice is between stepping on or turning home. I get that it’s meant to be a moment of no return, but it doesn’t feel set up as such. To go home just feels inconsistent given the little characterization that has occurred. What is his internal conflict that makes these differing choices both a possibility? Because as it stands, who would wait in the sweltering heat for a bus to arrive just to walk away the moment it does?

I’m surprised that choice actually does give an early end game. It’s the opposite from the previous storygame where readers couldn't end unless they finished it. I don’t recommend such choices, as you would want readers to be at least somewhat invested in the story before presenting them with an end game link so they’ll be motivated to finish the rest of it. But of course, if it’s natural to put it at the start of the story and it makes sense for the character, plot or difficulty level, then do so. Though I don’t see the merit of it here except for creating a choice.

WRITING STYLE

Description is utilized to evoke an emotional response. For instance, the protagonist’s disgust at the driver translates into similar feelings for the reader. There’s a consistent choice of diction which lends to this: “ruddy”, “sweat”, “loud”, “ugly”, “sweat-soaked”, etc. The overwhelmingly negative connotations helped frame the protagonist’s physical and emotional response: his stomach churned and he thought about heading home.

I noticed a few proofreading errors: typos (e.g. “Names Veronica”, uncapitalized words, mixing up its and it’s, and so on. I won’t list them all since I don’t want to clutter up this already long review but it’s nothing a quick proofread won’t fix. Also, everytime a new person speaks, put their line of dialogue in a new paragraph; it’s less confusing and also grammatically correct.

By now, I’ve already tackled the overdescription aspect in depth, but here, when the protagonist meets Veronica, this seems like a moment where the purple prose is justified due to his attraction towards her. It makes sense for him to almost put her on a pedestal. I like how it isn’t strictly making everything about her seem beautiful, but there are also haunting aspects, like her eyes being compared to tar and him being equal parts attracted and afraid.

You could format dialogue differently from internal narration. It’s more of a personal preference, since I’ve seen stories work this way, but the general rule is to use italics for internal narration and keep dialogue tags specifically for dialogue. This would also eliminate the need to add ‘he thought to himself’ each time so it’s more seamless and flows better.

The camp song is so excessively positive and victimized by rhyme, exactly like what camp songs are!

Figurative language and imagery is much more focused here compared to the previous one. “Sadistic sort of glee” is a good way to describe the bullies. I enjoyed how the description is interwoven amidst other elements such as the protagonist’s actions and his inner thoughts. Hence, the pacing is improved as there aren’t too long stretches of description without action nor connection to the character. Here, the descriptions of his physical reaction (“gasped for breath” and “body shaking with sobs”) alongside his sensory observation (“He could still hear the laughter of the other campers echoing in his ears”) and his emotional reaction (“Ronnie couldn't help but wonder what he had done to deserve this”) combined helps ground readers in the scene.

CHARACTERS

The development of the protagonist’s internal conflict begins from the second page. He tends to be a creature of habit, but following his counselor’s advice, he wants to step outside his comfort zone. Readers get to know more how he would approach decisions throughout the story. But if you want to take this a step further, rather than tell this to the reader, you may show it. This could be through a flashback, a line he remembers, or him being about to go when he hears the words in his head and then realizing he has to go through new experiences to grow. Still, it’s nice that readers know what this camp means to him: a chance to gain new experiences and break free of mundanity. It sets everything into perspective, perhaps giving him a bit of a goal.

Veronica’s dialogue paints her as someone bolder and more confident, whereas the protagonist, Ronnie, has more uncertainties with filler words, stammers and hesitations. It shows a clear difference in their personalities. She seems very forward with him, introducing herself and teasing him, whereas he’s more awkward and unsure about himself. Then, there’s the typical bully, Ricky, though he seems to defer to Kimiko. Tara appears to be an archetypal mean girl.

The protagonist is well developed. He starts off lonely and faces social rejection. It contributes to how he views himself as a loser and not good enough for Veronica. He doesn’t stand up for himself—it’s likely because he normalized and internalized the treatment (misbelief). Sometimes, this information is told though maybe it’s just the nature of the 3rd person pov. Yet, using phrases like ‘he thought’ and ‘he felt’ is a bit distancing, so incorporating more internal dialogue or deep pov (where the prose is written with the protagonist’s personality) might convey the message better. But there are some nice instances of showing. I particularly enjoyed the reference to the two boys chasing each other, faces with glee, mentioned after the part about the protagonist’s loneliness, juxtaposing their situations while further emphasizing the struggle he goes through.

Wait, they’re 15 to 18? Based on the dialogue I would have thought they were a bit younger, maybe 12. But I’ll just chalk that up to cultural differences, as this isn’t the first time I’ve misinterpreted children's ages due to dialogue in a storygame; maybe it’s something to do with how my family valued ‘acting mature’ from a young age.

But back to the protagonist. He’s a good person for this story—his worries and anxieties would likely make the horror more scary later on due to his overthinking. For example, he imagines someone slipping and getting injured in detail. It foreshadows the later situation.

Soon, the pov switches to Ricky, who speaks about the protagonist. He’s a consistent character, whereby he remains a bully by insults him and picking on other boys/

The protagonist’s choices fit his internal conflict. He can choose to stand up for himself or continue to act based on his misbelief. Unfortunately, whichever he chooses to do, he gets bullied. Veronica defends him, appearing to really like him, which shows how his assessment of himself is wrong given the perspective she has of him. He occupies her mind, even when she’s talking with her friends. And she’s determined to connect with him.

The pov switching is a bit confusing. I would suggest trying not to do it too often, only when it’s important or necessary. An example: there’s a moment where it switches to Pamela’s pov, but the last two paragraphs are in Frankie’s pov. While it is interesting to get a glimpse of their perspective, maybe try keeping at least the same pov for each page.

Back to the protagonist and his character arc. There’s good internal conflict: he feels the despair and overwhelming loneliness, and blames himself for being different. He wonders if this was the right thing to begin with. But this gives way to determination. He decides to go to the camp and see Veronica despite what Ricky says. He’s taking back his autonomy! And we’ll get to see how both their plans play out, as readers are rooting for them. There are some nice similes too: “hope as a tiny flame” and “his smile like a beacon in the darkness”. Motifs of light and dark are used (more on this later). Even the protagonist’s last name being Summers feels significant.

Okay, I get why you believed readers connected more to the characters of your previous story. In this story, the scope is more focused on the protagonist and his struggles are more clearly defined than Reggie in the other storygame who was more of a blank slate. However, this means the rest of the characters aren’t characterized as well. They seem more archetypal here. Aside from Veronica, who is given actual goals and emotions, the rest of them can only be characterized by a few lines of dialogue and brief descriptions since the reader isn’t in their pov. Which makes the story more focused, which is normally a good thing, though that’s the trade off. The importance of a character is defined by how they’re viewed in the protagonist’s eyes. Since he barely knows Tara or Brad, as he himself mentions, the reader by extension doesn't really know them either. Kimiko was kind to him, but aside from her kindness, readers don’t know much about her. Thus, the emotional impact of their deaths isn’t as strong as Kelsey or Reese who had more fleshed out personalities than a single trait as a descriptor.

Back to Ronnie. He’s self pitying again. Then he sees Dax murdered, seeks help from Frankie, but she is killed too. But she’s just another character who wasn’t fleshed out much. There are many murders, but because they’re never witnessed by the protagonist, it doesn’t help him figure out what to do.

And in the end, his character arc feels a bit lackluster. He doesn’t do anything grand to overcome his misbelief. Just when he has begun to maybe feel a sense of belonging, it was stolen away from him. But it wasn’t a corruption arc either: if he could have done something, like realize his potential or connected with other people more, and him not doing that led to his death, then it would have been a cautionary tale about how such a misbelief could prove harmful. But as it stands, he’s a punching bag for the plot. Things just happen to him and even the choices that he gets do not seem to matter. Whether he chooses to be brave or to be cowardly, at the end of the day, none of it affects the outcomes so it feels rather abrupt. Yet I suppose a case can be argued about how in effective horror stories, there may be a sense that from the moment one enters a specific situation, regardless of what they do or how they struggle, their fate is sealed.

PLOT

It starts off like the previous story: setting the scene by introducing the protagonist, establishing some character dynamics, and having them arrive at the main setting. There was a lot more emphasis on the protagonist’s character, this time, which I enjoyed. But again, we face a problem like the other story—too many one-link pages. The choice to give a confident or awkward reply does not affect the story; Veronica is like an npc in a video game, just saying the same line no matter what the protagonist says. Important reminder: this is a choice-based storygame and linear stories are not viewed too favorably.

Luckily, there is soon a choice—obeying or defying the bullies. There are more stakes here due to the protagonist’s struggle: he desires friendship and acceptance, but fears ostracization and rejection. So these actively hinders his plans for self growth because they reaffirm his misbelief. It also makes him a sympathetic character.

The moment with Kimiko balances this out. I would have liked more details on their conversation, but either way, it provides him with hope. The tone has already been quite downcast and sorrowful in a slightly melodramatic way at times, but it matches his personality and misbelief.

Speaking of choices, it would have been nice for the choice about whether or not to take a walk with Kimiko to influence the conversation in the girls cabin. After all, she didn’t really comfort him or speak to him that much if they didn’t take the walk. It might have been a nice way to make the choice seem more important to the story.

This time, there’s more foreshadowing regarding the killer, like a long strand of dark brown hair and the mention of a revenge slash. I guessed who it was pretty much instantly. I really liked how each choice is separated by short paragraphs here, really putting the readers in each character’s shoes as they make choice after choice in a desperate bid for survival. It’s a similar structure as the previous storygame. Although it’s a nice touch that Tara could actually survive this time, instead of the other storygame where all their fates were sealed. Note: nevermind, we can only delay her death but not defy it.

Then, the story’s focus seemed to shift in a way that wasn’t entirely good. It spent a lot of time building up the protagonist, but then there were killings after killings, without much time for emotional impact. And Ronnie was largely absent from these scenes, making him not as much of an active protagonist. As I’ve previously mentioned, it requires the readers to care about the characters to execute the ‘horror’ element well, but the side characters are less developed. Well, all except one.

(Spoilers)

Veronica is a fascinating character. Foreshadowing begins from the first scene, where she approaches the protagonist with confidence and directness. And there was the fear Ronnie felt with her, equal to his admiration. Another key moment was the part where she had to hide her true feelings, back in the cabin, when she spoke with the other girls. The revelation was pretty good too. The moment where she meets Ricky, kisses him, and he starts to taste blood keeps the suspense and tension pretty high.

As for the moment she stumbles into Ronnie, there’s a slight continuity issue: how can she see the smear of blood on her own cheek? Either way, Ronnie figures it out quickly, as she misspoke, and she confesses (both in the ‘I like you’ sense and the ‘I killed them’ admission of guilt) immediately.

Maybe she’s just a lunatic, but it seems a bit out of the blue the she loved him so much even though they just met that day. How can you love someone to the point where you would kill your friends for them when you’ve only had one brief conversation with them? She never even revealed her last name to him. And then she kills him as well? I guess at least he had the sense to stand up against her and tell her she was wrong. I see that the last line reveals the killer of the second story. It’s honestly a good thing the author mentioned that the other one was the first of this series, otherwise I would have gone ahead with my original plan to read this one first, ruining the experience for myself.

Either way, despite my excessive nitpicking, it was a good read and definitely more fun than the textbook I was slogging through an hour before this.

I am not a professional writer, nor am I a critic. I would just like to share my thoughts on how you can improve the story, and celebrate everything you did well.

First I will talk about what you did well

Pros

- I like the detail you add... how things taste, smell, and feel. All these things create mental images in the reader's mind.

For example:

"he air inside was thick and stale, carrying the faint odor of old upholstery and countless summers past."

This is a beautiful example of the detail you add to the story.

- You have perfect grammar. Other than a few awkward sentences that boarded on grammatically correct, it was good.

- you prove that you have a good understanding of how to structure sentences, stanzas, and paragraphs.

- the story borders on basic, though it doesn't disappoint on the overall story (Sorry if that was confusing) It is good for what you wanted to achieve

Cons

- you add an over-the-top amount of detail, in a way that can be distracting at times. I would cut some of the details, it makes it very choppy and harder to follow. - yes details help paint a picture, but when you overuse it, you can lose the reader in an endless pit of details.

-basic story, I said earlier that it was alright for what it was. if you were to revise it I would consider creating some more paths with things that drive the story more.

- long places where there are no options, I would create more pages and a more vast difference between them

overall you demonstrate a knowledge of how to create decent stories, yes it can be stale at times and overly detailed but overall it was an alright read.

This was decently entertaining to read, but the author seems to have the basics down enough that they could do a lot better, if that makes any sense.

There are some really long stretches in here without any choices, and I thought some of the dialogue was a little offputting, especially all the barking and roaring and demanding and crying I hit at one point.

Well, this definitely had good ol' slasher pic vibes. I've always struggled to develop any sort of emotional connection to the victims in this sort of genre because it just feels like their deaths are an inevitability. Maybe this is just a subjective opinion, but I would've liked if the deaths didn't happen all at once, and there was more of an investigation by the protagonist that would, in turn, slowly unravel the secrets of the murderer.

The writing itself was pretty good. I just think everything happened so fast that I didn't really have the opportunity to grow to like any of the characters.