Mystic_Warrior, The Expert Scrivener

Member Since

6/10/2019

Last Activity

5/24/2024 7:31 AM

EXP Points

2,888

Post Count

577

Storygame Count

6

Duel Stats

1 win / 0 losses

Order

Esteemed Architect Exemplar

Commendations

751

My profile picture is from the brilliant MHD! She's the best artist. Go check out her commissions and artworks!

(Close up of profile picture)

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Hi there! My CYS name is Mystic Warrior, so feel free to call me that or any other variation of my name you prefer. 

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Here are some storygames you should read (based on my totally not biased opinion): 

For those of you who are in the midst of playing A Hunted and Haunted Halloween, here's a walkthrough.

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Earning 2,000 Points Welcome to the Jungle, 2020. We all know it should've been you. -- M Having 4 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 10/17/2021 - Bout time! Given by EndMaster on 07/10/2022 - For your all your contributions to the site Given by Killa_Robot on 09/28/2022 - For somehow managing to be a good person AND writer at the same time. Given by MadHattersDaughter on 01/13/2022 - For your consistently fantastic stories and positive attitude. Looking forward to seeing what you continue to create! Given by mizal on 01/03/2022 - Incredible writing output and a wholesome personality. Your presence is a pure positive for the site. Given by ninjapitka on 03/17/2023 - Your efforts don't go unnoticed...or unappreciated.

Storygames

Featured Story A Hunted and Haunted Halloween

For End Master's Manifest Destiny Contest.

"Welcome to the experiment. A man is dead, and you have to find his killer. There will be a list of rules in your room once this briefing is over, but all you really need to know is this: There are five of you, but only one can solve the mystery. You will be given five days. Each night, one of you will die - no more, no less.

Ready? Even if you're not, it doesn't matter. You're in my world now."
 

H&H more complex version rsz.png


This is also a War on Intfiction contribution.

Note: Aside from a few references to Dreamtruder characters/ events, this storygame is a standalone.

It is my first time writing a mystery storygame on this site, so I would appreciate if you could leave feedback on whether this mystery was too easy/ difficult to solve. If you find yourself stuck, don't hesitate to message me directly. That being said, do not feel discouraged if you are bewildered at first; as you progress further in the game, the clues and secrets would make everything clearer. Eventually, the secrets you find would allow you to make sense of most clues except a few, and these would point to the killer.

Make use of the notebook, which would keep track of the information you gained from the interviews and the secrets you may find out. Also, check the item descriptions of all the objects since some of these would have to be 'used' in order to access some clues.

Once you've solved the mystery, there are 3 possible endings you could get. Only one of these actually results in returning back to the 'real world'. If you're looking for this 'true ending', it requires you to play through the last of the five days rather than just skipping to the end and guessing the answer.

Good luck surviving the Halloween experiment!


Featured Story Breaker

Beneath the seas, hidden from the Ones Above, our society goes about our normal, routinely lives. I cannot help but feel bored with all that is going on, until I find the letter. A letter that sends me on a journey to deliver a magical item to the group of people that have been villainized over the years, the letter that challenges everything I thought I knew. But which side is on the side of good? How can I break out of the only world I have ever known? Should I join the heroic villains or the villainous hero? I have finally gotten the adventure I always needed, but not exactly the one I wanted.

(Edit - note from the author: I'll be going through the process of fixing any bugs/ problems in this storygame soon, like the inescapable loops, so apologies for those who encounter these or any other issues caused by the upcoming changes).

Breaker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: This game was created for Camelon's break contest. During the part where a specialist is assigned to the breakers, there are three different paths (Lawbreaker, Breaker of People and Breaker and Enterer). Due to time constraints, for those who would like to know, Breaker of People is the longest path, followed by Lawbreaker and Breaker and Enterer, but aside from the epilogues, it all leads to the same chapter 5. As before, feel free to comment or message me if you encounter any issues or problems that I should fix.


Dreamtruder

"The delicate balance between the dream world and the real world is disrupted. You intruded and messed up the dream of an innocent. By talking about this with an Unknowing, the possibility of the dreamstage being unveiled is now greater than ever. The Jury has made a decision - we have no choice but to send you to The Jungle..."

Dreamtruder

 

 

Life was hard, balancing work and relaxation. Then the nightmares came, and all I ever wanted was to be free of them. Yet, I never accounted for this - finding out the truth about the dream world, exploring the vast plane of the imagination...only to be whisked away to the longest nightmare ever. 

Think a jungle's bad? Try a fictional jungle, where literally anything can happen, and the most creative minds have conspired to give you a hard time.

 

 

 

Note: This game was created for Mizal's 'Welcome to the Jungle' contest. There are several epilogues, and while the main one is the normal Dreamtruder path, others include Dream director, Dreamcaster, Dreamediator, and Dreamhero. Fancy a challenge? Try completing the Jungle challenge without picking up any dreampowers - it's possible, but requires a bit of thinking and planning ahead. Also, for some items, click the 'use' button as a link would not be provided (if this is the case, it would be specified in the object description)

Since this would be my first published storygame, I am still relatively new to this. Feel free to message me or spam the comments if you encounter any issues, have any suggestions for improvement, or just have something you want to say.

Enjoy!


Fall to Hopelessness

A quest doomed from the start. A man with an unwavering yet unusual moral compass. A daughter in the darkest depths of the night sky.

It isn't truly over until all hope is lost.

Fall to Hopelessness (storygame poster).jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Good and evil, heroes and villains… they are all fantasies created by the world. There are only two types of people: the people you care about, and the people you don’t.'

Arnold Cyzila's best life may have been long since over, but he would do anything to save his daughter from the clutches of her confinement. Even stealing an airplane, killing the innocent, and entering a dangerous world where death is almost guaranteed. 

[Warning: There are some mentions of murder, deaths and several dark themes, so if those things make you uncomfortable, perhaps it is better not to read this story.]

Note: I initially did not plan on joining this contest, yet I'm glad I did since it has motivated me to publish a new storygame. It is related to Dreamtruder in a way… well, you’ll see. While this story may not be as long as my previous two, it was interesting to write a shorter project. 

Just like all my other storygames, commenting and rating this story are both highly welcomed and appreciated. Also, as I have used quite a lot of variables in several fight scenes, let me know if you ever encounter a page where there are no visible links. 

Lastly, there are a few different epilogues but the 'main' one would be an epilogue which mirrors the start of the story (you'll know it when you see it). There are three possible ways to reach that. Even though I may consider it to be the true ending, it is not a typical happy ending.


Featured Story In Moonlit Waters

For EndMaster's Prompt Contest

Prompt: A story involving an old Oriental style setting
 

Cover Page

 

A simple quest for revenge turns into a deadly competition.


The Shi Empires, governed by the Ten Emperors, appear to be undefeatable. But Liu Longyi's desire to avenge Mother tranports her to four deadly battles, marked by the sudden appearance of a chaos deity.

As she battles competitors for the throne, Liu Longyi learns the truth about the mighty Shi Empires, along with the most closely guarded secret of Yue Palace. 

Author's Notes:

1. This story makes use of delayed consequences, so replaying would grant different outcomes, even if they aren't always visible at first.
2. There are some instances of violent and slightly mature content, so reader's discretion is advised.
3. If you prefer to read the storygame in the same browser, you could click the title page instead of the 'play' button.

Hope you enjoy the storygame!


Featured Story Spell of Slumber

For EndMaster's Prompt Contest 2

Prompt: A story involving fairies in some way


 

"Save your breath. We both know how this story ends."

 


As a spellsinger from an illustrious family, Aubrynne Spelwinter has always sought greatness. Yet, in an attempt to shatter a notorious curse, she becomes one of its casters.

In seven days, the curse will take effect. However, Aubrynne's mission leads to an unlikely alliance with the Cursed King, with whom she races against the clock to save her kingdom from conquests and faceless enemies.

Author's notes: 

1. There are 5 epilogues and it'll be obvious which the 'main' one is. 
2. This is a retelling of a classic fairytale, Sleeping Beauty, although aside from a few plot points, it features unique characters, settings, and narratives.
3. If you prefer to read the storygame in the same browser, you could click the title page instead of the 'play' button.

Hope you enjoy the storygame!

Link to video trailer: https://imgur.com/9T3UWTW

 

 


Dear fellow Earthians and Utopians #05
unpublished

If you don't like letters, extremely short stories or cliched moral lessons, don't read this. I found it when I was browsing through the old storygames I had created a long time ago. If I'm not mistaken, this was made for Mizal's Tiny 'Topias jam although I never really thought it was good enough to add to the thread. I don't think I'll publish this, but it's completed if anyone happens to browse my profile and wants to read it.


Walkthrough: A Hunted and Haunted Halloween
unpublished

On a dark and chilly night, you visit the Skeleton to ask for hints in order to solve the mystery of 'A Hunted and Haunted Halloween'.

Promo (Lighter) (2).png
 

If you find yourself stuck while trying to complete A Hunted and Haunted Halloween, this is the guide for you! Since it is a walkthrough, there are bound to be spoilers, so I recommend reading the storygame before referring to this.

Do let me know if you find any inconsistencies between the storygame and this walkthrough. As this would remain unpublished, I should be able to fix errors rather quickly.

That's all from me. Enjoy!


Articles Written

A Guide To Actually Completing A Contest Storygame
If you want to finally complete a contest entry, this guide is for you!

Recent Posts

Free Reviews Here! on 4/27/2024 2:38:45 PM

Reminder to self: Review Reborn 

(This challenge will be continued. However, I'll be posting reviews a lot less frequently, maybe more like twice or thrice a week.)


2nd CYS Review Competition! on 4/27/2024 2:34:42 PM

Apologies for the delay, it appears almost everyone forgot about this thread (including me). Anyway, seeing as there's only one entry, I'll just toss some points to Ace. Not that it matters as he's still in the negatives. 

Since this contest didn't fulfil its goal of getting more reviews for Reborn, I'm going to add it to my review list. Maybe I should have just reviewed it from the start so I could declare myself the winner lol. As promised, Ace, you can request a detailed review from me by the end of the year.

Also, if anyone else is reading this, I would like suggestions on possible things that would incentivize you to review stories in the future. Points, a commendation and a free review doesn't seem to work. I'm brainstorming a new spite-based, somewhat gamble-y idea which I might mention in a few days time, assuming I can keep on schedule with all my upcoming irl assignments. 


2nd CYS Review Competition! on 4/19/2024 7:27:07 PM

You have about 5 days left to submit a review. I'm sure that if I can write (almost) daily textwall reviews, you're all certainly more than capable of submitting something within the remaining time :)


Free Reviews Here! on 4/19/2024 7:17:53 PM

So, I planned for this review to be a bit shorter than the normal ones because the author doesn't seem to be around anymore, but...let's just say I got carried away.

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Day 6 | Arakhan's Vengeance, by Elfred

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/arakhan's-vengeance 

I’ll start with the usual disclaimer: I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, so take everything with a grain of salt. Also, seeing that the author hasn’t logged in for a few years, this review would mostly be for potential readers of this storygame. Hopefully it helps you decide whether it’ll be something you would enjoy. 

PREMISE

As the description suggests, you play as Arakhan, Captain of the Guard. The inciting incident occurs when the protagonist’s village is attacked and he sets off on a quest for vengeance, spanning multiple locations and involving several fights.

The setting takes place in a medieval fantasy realm, complete with fencing goblins, red ogres and murderous plants. From taking part in a bar brawl to sword fight, there’s a lot the reader can experience. The worldbuilding is so much more complex than I anticipated: the author created a part where the reader can discover more about the world through reading books in the library, and despite the info-dumps, I soon realized there was so much more planning put into this story than I initially thought. 

If you’re someone who enjoys (or rather, wouldn’t mind) the following elements, then you’re the ideal reader of this storygame: puzzles/ riddles, combat scenes where you choose each action, and having to replay the storygame a few times to find the real ending. Still, it is satisfying to see everything come together and discover the secrets hidden around the story. 

WRITING STYLE

I won’t go into too much depth on the writing style, as another review already covers it pretty well. The prose was easy to read and quite enjoyable. There was good use of deep point-of-view, where the protagonist’s thoughts are embedded within the text, creating personal stakes. The readers see the world from Arakhan’s perspective: the feelings arising from failing to protect his people, the brief memories of his past and the possible consequences behind each choice. 

Description is done well, too. Details add to the atmosphere, creating a cohesive picture of various locations—most notable is the burnt village at the start. It was utilized effectively at various points of the story to draw attention to important details, such as those concerning the puzzles that the reader would have to solve. Yet, this is not without its flaws. At some parts of the story, the description felt rather sparse and lacking; this was exemplified even more when readers weren’t given too much information to base their choices on. As such, the life or death situations sometimes felt like randomly clicking a link and hoping for the best.

Within some of the more serious scenes, I noticed attempts at humor. For example, puns like ‘Knife to meet you’ or I’m So Totally Struck by You’ were used as titles when the protagonist was fighting against another character who sought to kill him. I’m not entirely sure how I felt about that. On one hand, it reduced the tension and didn’t really help maintain immersion, yet on the other, they made me chuckle. Sarcasm and other forms of humor were also used.

CHARACTERS

The side characters were portrayed well. For example, it was realistic that Joad and a few other characters no longer trusted Arakhan after he failed to protect them from the attack. This added to the protagonist’s own internal struggle too: I like the technique of reinforcing internal conflict through external conflict, I might steal that in the future.

Though the protagonist did not spend much time interacting with some of them, the personalities of some of the side characters were quite distinct and interesting. I enjoyed the variety of choices we had at the start: fighting with a villager who strongly wishes to kill the protagonist, playing a card game with children, giving a eulogy for a dead man, and so on. There was quite a variety of characters to meet and find out more about. 

I enjoyed reading about the antagonists too, and how—depending on the paths that the reader picked—their presence could be foreshadowed quite well before the protagonist ever meets them. This was a cool detail I only noticed on one of my later playthroughs.

Now, onto the protagonist. He can be described by a line one of the other characters said: “An idiot, maybe. But not a coward." At the start of the quest, he believes it would end with his death. Yet, he doesn’t mind, as he plans to destroy his enemies and ensure his village is left alone. This sort of ‘self-sacrificing’ trope is reminiscent of folktales or generic fantasy stories where the protagonist goes on a heroic quest and survives despite the odds. To be honest, I did start off thinking it’d be this sort of story. Yet, I was rather surprised and impressed to find out the scope of this story. But more on that in the next section.

If I had one gripe with characterization, I would have preferred a bit more in terms of the protagonist’s motives and backstory. Fleshing these out would have answered some important questions, e.g. why does being captain and protecting his village mean so much to him? These would have added to the personal stakes while creating a more compelling narrative. Sometimes, he felt almost archetypal rather than realistic. Still, considering the humorous tone of this story, I suppose it was intended to be more of a light, fun read than a serious one.

PLOT & STRUCTURE

Now, for this section, I’ll try to explain the structure of the story in a way that would let potential readers know what to expect (and get the best reading experience) without giving away too many spoilers.

I’ll start by mentioning that there are five endings. Only one is considered the ‘true’ ending. It follows the ‘quest’ structure, with various different sections that lead to either death or premature endings, or eventually links back to the main narrative. Despite this, it is worth exploring at least a few of the different sections, it enriches the overall experience of the story. 

The First Act

Note: This isn’t the way the story is structured (it doesn’t actually use the three act story structure), but just how I organized it in my head. 

The first branching choice occurs when the protagonist can choose between heading back to his village to find survivors or searching for his friends. I suggest choosing the latter. In my first playthrough, I believed they were completely separate paths whereas in fact, clicking the first choice just means you miss out a sizable portion of the story.

Now, there are several locations to explore, each with their own puzzles and challenges. If you’re someone who doesn’t like puzzles, then this story is probably not for you. They’re an integral part of unlocking the ‘true’ ending. Though I guess in some parts of the story, brute forcing your way through them could work (not so much in others, unfortunately). I must note that one of the hints after an ending did mention ‘saving all your companions’ and unless I missed something, I don’t think that’s possible. 

Once again, when the protagonist reaches the town, there are lots of places to roam around. All of them have completely separate subplots. If you have time, I recommend checking out a few different ones. I was surprised by how in-depth they all were. 

In one of them, there was a fight scene where the reader would pick each move as the choices were blow-by-blow (literally and figuratively speaking). Depending on the type of reader, this might get a bit annoying or it might even be fun. This mechanism is used later in the story a few other times. Personally, I wouldn’t have minded too much had there been more foreshadowing of the consequences of choices. At times, there was seemingly no rhyme or rhythm as to what would and would not kill the protagonist. 

In another part, there was a fun potion-making puzzle where the protagonist remembered a moment back when he was a kid. While this appeared somewhat random at first, having no special significance to him, it was later revealed to be an important part of unlocking the secret path. There was also another part where you could go through a dead man’s house, snoop around his secrets, find his corpse, and give a speech that goes hilariously wrong. Fun stuff.

The Second Act

This is where the protagonist leaves the safety of his village and ventures out in his quest for vengeance. The choices here are all either death endings or bottlenecks back into the main narrative. Also, I will echo what Urnamo’s comment said: do not go to the tents or you would be stuck in an infinite loop of tent hopping (unless I missed something there).

Most of the choices are mainly what to do in a given moment, with shorter pages and more emphasis on reader agency. Usually, I tend to see this most in amateur stories, since a lot of the time it means really short pages which may as well be joined together, but in this story, there were instances where this worked really well. (Light spoiler). For example, there was a part where you have four choices and even though they repeat you have to choose them in the right order to survive: tie a rope to an arrow, tie the rope to the tower (or vice versa), then fire the arrow, so you create a zipline. It was very creative and I enjoyed figuring that out. 

(More spoilers: I really can’t pick an audience for this review, lol) After sneaking past all the goblins, the protagonist does have another fight scene with one of the antagonists. This was a fencing fight. I did fencing as an extracurricular in high school, but I must admit, I didn’t understand a lot of the terms that were being thrown around. There wasn’t any context given either; I’d have appreciated a page which explained how it worked, or if the author didn’t want to break immersion, perhaps the captured character the protagonist was trying to save could have provided some advice. (Speaking of advice, I seem to somehow keep switching back into ‘advising the author’ mode, oops). It felt a bit repetitive at times; maybe if there were more details about the fight, it would have been better. Still, I really liked the cool detail where the protagonist asked a riddle and the answer connected to the way they defeated the villain. Those who read the story will probably know what I’m talking about. 

The Third Act/ ‘Epilogue’

On my first readthrough, this epilogue did not really feel like much of an epilogue. Part of this was the new information that was revealed and a conflict that was introduced suddenly without being resolved. Although it did answer one of the questions raised at the start—why Lyestra, an ordinary village, was attacked—it raised more questions than answered. Furthermore, none of the endings seemed satisfactory. One of them did briefly mention the bravery vs foolishness portrayal of the protagonist, yet I did not see much of a strong a character arc.

Only then did I realize: there’s more to the story than I initially believed.

The True Path

It was amazing how all the different branches and paths interlinked. In one of my first epilogues, a treasure is mentioned almost as an afterthought. Then, on other paths, the reader can discover more about this. There was also a part where the protagonist can read books about worldbuilding. I loved how this connected to the different sections, some of which occurred before this event so it’d be impossible to use that knowledge unless the reader replays the storygame. In fact, replayability might even be necessary: it is by taking notes of the details of previous playthroughs—even ones that appear unsuccessful—that the true ending is found. I enjoyed the character’s realization that vengeance isn’t as great as it may seem. Overall, there appears to be so much effort put into this storygame, that even now, after having found all the numbered endings, I wonder if there’s still more I missed.

TL;DR

This was a fascinating storygame, with equal parts ‘story’ and ‘game’. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys fantasy quests and engaging puzzles. For the best experience, I suggest multiple playthroughs as there’s so much to explore in this story. 


Free Reviews Here! on 4/18/2024 5:08:21 PM

Alright, I'll probably do another quick proofread and submit it. My writing style was so different back then lol. 


FAVORITE WORDS OF CYS on 4/18/2024 4:27:35 PM

Thanks, faggot :)


FAVORITE WORDS OF CYS on 4/18/2024 4:17:54 PM

That doesn't exactly work as an insult, though. I suggest: "Stop being such a street-shitting faggot, you're exactly what I imagine the child of a tranny and nigger would be like".


I loved this website when I was small on 4/18/2024 4:09:53 PM

Welcome back to the site! Glad to hear you're enjoying Spell of Slumber :)


Free Reviews Here! on 4/18/2024 4:04:14 PM

No worries, glad you like the review. Thanks for the guide on using unpublished articles! Apparently, I wrote an article on completing contest storygames a while back, though I'm not sure whether I ought to publish it.

A Guide To Actually Completing A Contest Storygame


Free Reviews Here! on 4/18/2024 3:49:39 PM

Apologies for the brief absence, I had to focus on my assignments for a couple of days. Anyway, I'm back with a new review!

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Day 5 | The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb, by Dire

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-grand-pharaoh's-tomb 

Let’s begin with a disclaimer: I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, so take everything with a grain of salt. As for readers, this review will contain spoilers, so I highly suggest reading the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

There’s a brief description that outlines the protagonist’s motivation and goals. The stakes are introduced, given the character’s commitment to their goal, and readers also get a sense of the setting. As this is a branching storygame, we know the answer to the rhetorical question would be ‘both’, depending on the paths we choose.

Unless you’re submitting more than one entry within this storygame, there’s a typo in the description: “This is my submissions for End Master’s Prompt Contest 3”. 

Onto the story itself. It begins with text in a small font size and italics. That’s an interesting formatting choice, though I’m not sure what it means yet. 

Then, there’s some backstory describing the situation that the protagonist is in. Good use of interspersing the protagonist’s thoughts throughout the narrative. This adds personal stakes, allowing the reader to empathize with the character and care about what happens to them in the story. I like the sentence where ‘alone’ is separated by a comma, drawing emphasis to this, as if visually ensuring the word alone is…well, alone. It’s even more thematic considering the first choice readers get in the story is between solitude and companionship. The metaphor of snakes is good too, seeing as it’s egypt-related. 

The outburst of emotions following a description of the location is a nice way to pace the story. It almost seems like the protagonist is attempting to distract themself from the situation by observing their surroundings, but at the end, they cannot escape their thoughts. A slight error: I’m not sure ‘over delivered’ is the right term here. If the protagonist over delivered to their benefactor, wouldn’t that be a good thing?

Speaking of proofreading errors, there were a few on the first page: “suppose” is supposed to be “supposed”, it’s “it’s” not “its”, and “peek” not “peak”.

There were good descriptions which added to the immersion. And just as the protagonist was about to accept defeat, believing it was all over, they accidentally pressed against a part of the pyramid that revealed a secret entrance. This inciting incident leads to the first choice.

The page starts and ends with italicized text. My guess is that it’s probably used to represent the voice of something that lurks within the tomb, but we shall see.

WRITING STYLE

The story utilizes a deep point-of-view, where the protagonist’s thoughts and feelings are interwoven into the narrative. For instance, this occurs on the information page about the pharaoh. I appreciated how it wasn’t just purely a textwall of information, but it reflected the protagonist’s process of finding out information about the elusive Kannok, along with their motivations for this. This furthered characterization. Another thing I enjoyed was that this was all explained the way I imagine a history student/ historian would, from the natural curiosity shown through all the unanswered questions to name-dropping past pharaohs of Egypt without stopping to over-explain much about them. 

I notice the descriptions include lots of active verbs, often personifying the surroundings and natural environment. You are ‘greeted’ with the dunes, the air ‘feeds off’ the moisture of your tears and the sun ‘kisses’ the top of the dune. This adds to the atmosphere, making the setting feel almost alive. It’s also a nice detail that later in the story, forces of nature are involved in a number of death endings. 

On the page about ‘Setvanet’, there’s a brief moment where the story shifts to past tense (second and third paragraphs), though I didn’t catch any other tense changes. Another word choice error: “unknown to how the locals will react to see you again” (you could replace ‘unknown to’ with ‘unsure’). Also, it’s “quite” not “quiet”. Although there are a few more word-choice, spelling and grammatical errors scattered throughout the story—likely due to contest constraints, I’d assume—I won’t list them all here. Though if you plan on editing your story and would like me to point them out for you, do let me know; I’ll be happy to help. 

Quick note: ‘we’ is used for first-person point of views, so maybe switching that to ‘all of you’ or ‘the three of you’ would keep the point of view consistent. 

I enjoyed the way tension was stretched out in the scene where Ahmed, Babu and the protagonist were trapped on the rising stairs. The use of the ‘thuds’ and short, simple sentences about the protagonist’s observations quickened the pacing while prolonging the suspense. Even after this, they faced a new problem: being cut off from the rest of the group. This is a great technique to keep the reader invested, as the protagonist’s life is continually placed at stake. 

A slight improvement might be to avoid repetitiveness. I’ll briefly paraphrase advice that was given to me a while back: when the same information is repeated, readers might lose interest and it slows down the pacing. An example: there was a part of the story which mentioned “the door directly before you describes a trial of wits and logic”, yet the same information is repeated again when the protagonist says “The first door talks about wits and logic”. The same thing happened with the second door. Another instance of this: the sentence “there must have been some sort of truth to what happened but no one would believe you if you told them” and later, “you know that no one will believe you if you told them, so you must show them.” Though, I’ll add that this is not a prevalent issue in the story and is more of a minor nitpick. 

In many death scenes—or those where the protagonist suffers a fate worse than death—the descriptions are quite uncanny and otherworldly, which depict the characters’ descents to insanity really well. Part of this is because of how the protagonist takes note of seemingly ordinary details, acts accordingly, observes something else, acts, and only when it’s too late do they realize that this chain of events led to a horrifying outcome. In a way, this ‘innocuous sequence of events leading to tragedy’ structure can be said to apply to the overarching story, but more about this later. The metaphor of the voice being described as a ‘puppet master’ in this path is so very fitting. An example of this: the protagonist enters a room with statues, sees a chair, and notices nothing remarkable about it except that it’s a stone chair (nice reference to the stone which seems to absorb all the protagonist’s tears at the start). They move towards it. There’s also a crown. So the protagonist puts on the crown and sits on the chair. Nothing happens. Then the statues appear to be staring. Only then does flesh begin melting off their hands and they turn into one of the silent observers for all of eternity. I like this technique and might steal it for future stories. 

CHOICES

The consequences to most of the choices are realistic and foreshadowed well. For example, the protagonist’s evident lack of distrust for a businessman and his bodyguards turns out to be well-founded, as it creates the consequences where, if you still decide to trust them, they will backstab you (both metaphorically and literally, which made me chuckle).

Another thing I liked was the fact that the death scenes after incorrectly answering the riddles were all different. Some were even quite relevant to what was chosen: ‘night time’ making everything go dark and ‘thoughts’ removing heads. 

PLOT & CHARACTERS
(This part includes heavy spoilers, read at your own risk)

There were two main side-characters: Babu (characterized as being the most trustworthy) and Ahmed (the one with the most expertise). This was a good way of setting the stage for some of the choices and events later in the story.

Maybe it’s a bit of a nitpick, but I feel that Ahmed’s sudden breakdown when choosing a door was out of character, especially since he’s portrayed as an expert in ancient Egypt. Perhaps if this occurred due to his expert knowledge—e.g. he knew that ancient Egyptians prided themselves on creating the most unsolvable riddles, hence he thinks they’re unlikely to escape the tomb—it would not only increase the stakes but ensure the characterization remains consistent.  

Actually, ignore everything I just said. This is brilliant. In another path, where the protagonist chooses a different door, Ahmed seemingly for no reason goes insane and attacks Babu, saying that only one can take the throne. That makes so much more sense! After all, it is later shown how Kannok possesses and takes control of individuals, after luring them in and driving them to insanity. There’s the implication that Ahmed’s expertise of ancient history is the reason he was chosen in this path. That, and the earlier characterization of Babu as someone who is extremely loyal. 

I must say, I’m quite impressed by the revelation/ plot-twist at the end. First, let’s discuss how the italicized, small-font text was used throughout the story. In some paths, it calls the protagonist a ‘coward’ or a ‘weak fool’, and in others, it gives them the gift of knowledge. Then we have the amazing foreshadowing. At the start of the story, when choosing to find out more about the Great Pharaoh, the mystery of Kannok was established. He somehow was mentioned at various points across the centuries, alongside famous pharaohs, though the protagonist wasn’t sure if those were merely his descendants or bloodline. Even though it’s never explicitly stated, the answer to this is heavily implied given the number of endings where the protagonist or another character becomes a vessel for Kannok. He possesses them, taking control of their mind and body. Another detail I loved was how the voice guided the protagonist throughout the whole story—and in fact, choosing to listen to it was the most strategic option—yet at the end, this leads to betrayal. The protagonist’s survival only mattered to Kannok until he reached the amulet. Moreover, in the endings where the protagonist chooses to reject it, he replies, “you will not reject me again”. Then the story loops back to the start. Not only does this create the effect of the protagonist now being trapped in a time loop—which is foreshadowed in one of the riddles, whereby the tomb’s ability to do this is revealed—but it also insinuates that from the moment the reader begins the story, the protagonist is *already* trapped in this time loop (hence the word ‘again’). Thus, there is no way out, other than to follow Kannok’s orders or to be killed. A true puppet-master indeed. As such, this story is a tragedy, doomed from the very first choice. 

TL;DR

I recommend this storygame. Despite the grammatical and syntactical errors, it was an enjoyable read, and the plot-twist at the end was brilliantly executed.