6/10/2019

4/19/2024 7:32 PM

575

6

1 win / 0 losses

Esteemed Architect Exemplar

A Hunted and Haunted Halloween

For End Master's Manifest Destiny Contest.

"Welcome to the experiment. A man is dead, and you have to find his killer. There will be a list of rules in your room once this briefing is over, but all you really need to know is this: There are five of you, but only one can solve the mystery. You will be given five days. Each night, one of you will die - no more, no less.

Ready? Even if you're not, it doesn't matter. You're in my world now."
 

This is also a War on Intfiction contribution.

Note: Aside from a few references to Dreamtruder characters/ events, this storygame is a standalone.

It is my first time writing a mystery storygame on this site, so I would appreciate if you could leave feedback on whether this mystery was too easy/ difficult to solve. If you find yourself stuck, don't hesitate to message me directly. That being said, do not feel discouraged if you are bewildered at first; as you progress further in the game, the clues and secrets would make everything clearer. Eventually, the secrets you find would allow you to make sense of most clues except a few, and these would point to the killer.

Make use of the notebook, which would keep track of the information you gained from the interviews and the secrets you may find out. Also, check the item descriptions of all the objects since some of these would have to be 'used' in order to access some clues.

Once you've solved the mystery, there are 3 possible endings you could get. Only one of these actually results in returning back to the 'real world'. If you're looking for this 'true ending', it requires you to play through the last of the five days rather than just skipping to the end and guessing the answer.

Good luck surviving the Halloween experiment!

Breaker

Beneath the seas, hidden from the Ones Above, our society goes about our normal, routinely lives. I cannot help but feel bored with all that is going on, until I find the letter. A letter that sends me on a journey to deliver a magical item to the group of people that have been villainized over the years, the letter that challenges everything I thought I knew. But which side is on the side of good? How can I break out of the only world I have ever known? Should I join the heroic villains or the villainous hero? I have finally gotten the adventure I always needed, but not exactly the one I wanted.

(Edit - note from the author: I'll be going through the process of fixing any bugs/ problems in this storygame soon, like the inescapable loops, so apologies for those who encounter these or any other issues caused by the upcoming changes).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: This game was created for Camelon's break contest. During the part where a specialist is assigned to the breakers, there are three different paths (Lawbreaker, Breaker of People and Breaker and Enterer). Due to time constraints, for those who would like to know, Breaker of People is the longest path, followed by Lawbreaker and Breaker and Enterer, but aside from the epilogues, it all leads to the same chapter 5. As before, feel free to comment or message me if you encounter any issues or problems that I should fix.

Dreamtruder

"The delicate balance between the dream world and the real world is disrupted. You intruded and messed up the dream of an innocent. By talking about this with an Unknowing, the possibility of the dreamstage being unveiled is now greater than ever. The Jury has made a decision - we have no choice but to send you to The Jungle..."

 

 

Life was hard, balancing work and relaxation. Then the nightmares came, and all I ever wanted was to be free of them. Yet, I never accounted for this - finding out the truth about the dream world, exploring the vast plane of the imagination...only to be whisked away to the longest nightmare ever. 

Think a jungle's bad? Try a fictional jungle, where literally anything can happen, and the most creative minds have conspired to give you a hard time.

 

 

 

Note: This game was created for Mizal's 'Welcome to the Jungle' contest. There are several epilogues, and while the main one is the normal Dreamtruder path, others include Dream director, Dreamcaster, Dreamediator, and Dreamhero. Fancy a challenge? Try completing the Jungle challenge without picking up any dreampowers - it's possible, but requires a bit of thinking and planning ahead. Also, for some items, click the 'use' button as a link would not be provided (if this is the case, it would be specified in the object description)

Since this would be my first published storygame, I am still relatively new to this. Feel free to message me or spam the comments if you encounter any issues, have any suggestions for improvement, or just have something you want to say.

Enjoy!

Fall to Hopelessness

A quest doomed from the start. A man with an unwavering yet unusual moral compass. A daughter in the darkest depths of the night sky.

It isn't truly over until all hope is lost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Good and evil, heroes and villains… they are all fantasies created by the world. There are only two types of people: the people you care about, and the people you don’t.'

Arnold Cyzila's best life may have been long since over, but he would do anything to save his daughter from the clutches of her confinement. Even stealing an airplane, killing the innocent, and entering a dangerous world where death is almost guaranteed. 

[Warning: There are some mentions of murder, deaths and several dark themes, so if those things make you uncomfortable, perhaps it is better not to read this story.]

Note: I initially did not plan on joining this contest, yet I'm glad I did since it has motivated me to publish a new storygame. It is related to Dreamtruder in a way… well, you’ll see. While this story may not be as long as my previous two, it was interesting to write a shorter project. 

Just like all my other storygames, commenting and rating this story are both highly welcomed and appreciated. Also, as I have used quite a lot of variables in several fight scenes, let me know if you ever encounter a page where there are no visible links. 

Lastly, there are a few different epilogues but the 'main' one would be an epilogue which mirrors the start of the story (you'll know it when you see it). There are three possible ways to reach that. Even though I may consider it to be the true ending, it is not a typical happy ending.

In Moonlit Waters

For EndMaster's Prompt Contest

Prompt: A story involving an old Oriental style setting
 

 

A simple quest for revenge turns into a deadly competition.

The Shi Empires, governed by the Ten Emperors, appear to be undefeatable. But Liu Longyi's desire to avenge Mother tranports her to four deadly battles, marked by the sudden appearance of a chaos deity.

As she battles competitors for the throne, Liu Longyi learns the truth about the mighty Shi Empires, along with the most closely guarded secret of Yue Palace. 

Author's Notes:

1. This story makes use of delayed consequences, so replaying would grant different outcomes, even if they aren't always visible at first.
2. There are some instances of violent and slightly mature content, so reader's discretion is advised.
3. If you prefer to read the storygame in the same browser, you could click the title page instead of the 'play' button.

Hope you enjoy the storygame!

Spell of Slumber

For EndMaster's Prompt Contest 2

Prompt: A story involving fairies in some way


 

"Save your breath. We both know how this story ends."

 

As a spellsinger from an illustrious family, Aubrynne Spelwinter has always sought greatness. Yet, in an attempt to shatter a notorious curse, she becomes one of its casters.

In seven days, the curse will take effect. However, Aubrynne's mission leads to an unlikely alliance with the Cursed King, with whom she races against the clock to save her kingdom from conquests and faceless enemies.

Author's notes: 

1. There are 5 epilogues and it'll be obvious which the 'main' one is. 
2. This is a retelling of a classic fairytale, Sleeping Beauty, although aside from a few plot points, it features unique characters, settings, and narratives.
3. If you prefer to read the storygame in the same browser, you could click the title page instead of the 'play' button.

Hope you enjoy the storygame!

Link to video trailer: https://imgur.com/9T3UWTW

 

 

Dear fellow Earthians and Utopians #05

unpublished

If you don't like letters, extremely short stories or cliched moral lessons, don't read this. I found it when I was browsing through the old storygames I had created a long time ago. If I'm not mistaken, this was made for Mizal's Tiny 'Topias jam although I never really thought it was good enough to add to the thread. I don't think I'll publish this, but it's completed if anyone happens to browse my profile and wants to read it.

Walkthrough: A Hunted and Haunted Halloween

unpublished

On a dark and chilly night, you visit the Skeleton to ask for hints in order to solve the mystery of 'A Hunted and Haunted Halloween'.

 

If you find yourself stuck while trying to complete A Hunted and Haunted Halloween, this is the guide for you! Since it is a walkthrough, there are bound to be spoilers, so I recommend reading the storygame before referring to this.

Do let me know if you find any inconsistencies between the storygame and this walkthrough. As this would remain unpublished, I should be able to fix errors rather quickly.

That's all from me. Enjoy!

You have about 5 days left to submit a review. I'm sure that if I can write (almost) daily textwall reviews, you're all certainly more than capable of submitting something within the remaining time :)

So, I planned for this review to be a bit shorter than the normal ones because the author doesn't seem to be around anymore, but...let's just say I got carried away.

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Day 6 | Arakhan's Vengeance, by Elfred

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/arakhan's-vengeance 

I’ll start with the usual disclaimer: I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, so take everything with a grain of salt. Also, seeing that the author hasn’t logged in for a few years, this review would mostly be for potential readers of this storygame. Hopefully it helps you decide whether it’ll be something you would enjoy. 

PREMISE

As the description suggests, you play as Arakhan, Captain of the Guard. The inciting incident occurs when the protagonist’s village is attacked and he sets off on a quest for vengeance, spanning multiple locations and involving several fights.

The setting takes place in a medieval fantasy realm, complete with fencing goblins, red ogres and murderous plants. From taking part in a bar brawl to sword fight, there’s a lot the reader can experience. The worldbuilding is so much more complex than I anticipated: the author created a part where the reader can discover more about the world through reading books in the library, and despite the info-dumps, I soon realized there was so much more planning put into this story than I initially thought. 

If you’re someone who enjoys (or rather, wouldn’t mind) the following elements, then you’re the ideal reader of this storygame: puzzles/ riddles, combat scenes where you choose each action, and having to replay the storygame a few times to find the real ending. Still, it is satisfying to see everything come together and discover the secrets hidden around the story. 

WRITING STYLE

I won’t go into too much depth on the writing style, as another review already covers it pretty well. The prose was easy to read and quite enjoyable. There was good use of deep point-of-view, where the protagonist’s thoughts are embedded within the text, creating personal stakes. The readers see the world from Arakhan’s perspective: the feelings arising from failing to protect his people, the brief memories of his past and the possible consequences behind each choice. 

Description is done well, too. Details add to the atmosphere, creating a cohesive picture of various locations—most notable is the burnt village at the start. It was utilized effectively at various points of the story to draw attention to important details, such as those concerning the puzzles that the reader would have to solve. Yet, this is not without its flaws. At some parts of the story, the description felt rather sparse and lacking; this was exemplified even more when readers weren’t given too much information to base their choices on. As such, the life or death situations sometimes felt like randomly clicking a link and hoping for the best.

Within some of the more serious scenes, I noticed attempts at humor. For example, puns like ‘Knife to meet you’ or I’m So Totally Struck by You’ were used as titles when the protagonist was fighting against another character who sought to kill him. I’m not entirely sure how I felt about that. On one hand, it reduced the tension and didn’t really help maintain immersion, yet on the other, they made me chuckle. Sarcasm and other forms of humor were also used.

CHARACTERS

The side characters were portrayed well. For example, it was realistic that Joad and a few other characters no longer trusted Arakhan after he failed to protect them from the attack. This added to the protagonist’s own internal struggle too: I like the technique of reinforcing internal conflict through external conflict, I might steal that in the future.

Though the protagonist did not spend much time interacting with some of them, the personalities of some of the side characters were quite distinct and interesting. I enjoyed the variety of choices we had at the start: fighting with a villager who strongly wishes to kill the protagonist, playing a card game with children, giving a eulogy for a dead man, and so on. There was quite a variety of characters to meet and find out more about. 

I enjoyed reading about the antagonists too, and how—depending on the paths that the reader picked—their presence could be foreshadowed quite well before the protagonist ever meets them. This was a cool detail I only noticed on one of my later playthroughs.

Now, onto the protagonist. He can be described by a line one of the other characters said: “An idiot, maybe. But not a coward." At the start of the quest, he believes it would end with his death. Yet, he doesn’t mind, as he plans to destroy his enemies and ensure his village is left alone. This sort of ‘self-sacrificing’ trope is reminiscent of folktales or generic fantasy stories where the protagonist goes on a heroic quest and survives despite the odds. To be honest, I did start off thinking it’d be this sort of story. Yet, I was rather surprised and impressed to find out the scope of this story. But more on that in the next section.

If I had one gripe with characterization, I would have preferred a bit more in terms of the protagonist’s motives and backstory. Fleshing these out would have answered some important questions, e.g. why does being captain and protecting his village mean so much to him? These would have added to the personal stakes while creating a more compelling narrative. Sometimes, he felt almost archetypal rather than realistic. Still, considering the humorous tone of this story, I suppose it was intended to be more of a light, fun read than a serious one.

PLOT & STRUCTURE

Now, for this section, I’ll try to explain the structure of the story in a way that would let potential readers know what to expect (and get the best reading experience) without giving away too many spoilers.

I’ll start by mentioning that there are five endings. Only one is considered the ‘true’ ending. It follows the ‘quest’ structure, with various different sections that lead to either death or premature endings, or eventually links back to the main narrative. Despite this, it is worth exploring at least a few of the different sections, it enriches the overall experience of the story. 

The First Act

Note: This isn’t the way the story is structured (it doesn’t actually use the three act story structure), but just how I organized it in my head. 

The first branching choice occurs when the protagonist can choose between heading back to his village to find survivors or searching for his friends. I suggest choosing the latter. In my first playthrough, I believed they were completely separate paths whereas in fact, clicking the first choice just means you miss out a sizable portion of the story.

Now, there are several locations to explore, each with their own puzzles and challenges. If you’re someone who doesn’t like puzzles, then this story is probably not for you. They’re an integral part of unlocking the ‘true’ ending. Though I guess in some parts of the story, brute forcing your way through them could work (not so much in others, unfortunately). I must note that one of the hints after an ending did mention ‘saving all your companions’ and unless I missed something, I don’t think that’s possible. 

Once again, when the protagonist reaches the town, there are lots of places to roam around. All of them have completely separate subplots. If you have time, I recommend checking out a few different ones. I was surprised by how in-depth they all were. 

In one of them, there was a fight scene where the reader would pick each move as the choices were blow-by-blow (literally and figuratively speaking). Depending on the type of reader, this might get a bit annoying or it might even be fun. This mechanism is used later in the story a few other times. Personally, I wouldn’t have minded too much had there been more foreshadowing of the consequences of choices. At times, there was seemingly no rhyme or rhythm as to what would and would not kill the protagonist. 

In another part, there was a fun potion-making puzzle where the protagonist remembered a moment back when he was a kid. While this appeared somewhat random at first, having no special significance to him, it was later revealed to be an important part of unlocking the secret path. There was also another part where you could go through a dead man’s house, snoop around his secrets, find his corpse, and give a speech that goes hilariously wrong. Fun stuff.

The Second Act

This is where the protagonist leaves the safety of his village and ventures out in his quest for vengeance. The choices here are all either death endings or bottlenecks back into the main narrative. Also, I will echo what Urnamo’s comment said: do not go to the tents or you would be stuck in an infinite loop of tent hopping (unless I missed something there).

Most of the choices are mainly what to do in a given moment, with shorter pages and more emphasis on reader agency. Usually, I tend to see this most in amateur stories, since a lot of the time it means really short pages which may as well be joined together, but in this story, there were instances where this worked really well. (Light spoiler). For example, there was a part where you have four choices and even though they repeat you have to choose them in the right order to survive: tie a rope to an arrow, tie the rope to the tower (or vice versa), then fire the arrow, so you create a zipline. It was very creative and I enjoyed figuring that out. 

(More spoilers: I really can’t pick an audience for this review, lol) After sneaking past all the goblins, the protagonist does have another fight scene with one of the antagonists. This was a fencing fight. I did fencing as an extracurricular in high school, but I must admit, I didn’t understand a lot of the terms that were being thrown around. There wasn’t any context given either; I’d have appreciated a page which explained how it worked, or if the author didn’t want to break immersion, perhaps the captured character the protagonist was trying to save could have provided some advice. (Speaking of advice, I seem to somehow keep switching back into ‘advising the author’ mode, oops). It felt a bit repetitive at times; maybe if there were more details about the fight, it would have been better. Still, I really liked the cool detail where the protagonist asked a riddle and the answer connected to the way they defeated the villain. Those who read the story will probably know what I’m talking about. 

The Third Act/ ‘Epilogue’

On my first readthrough, this epilogue did not really feel like much of an epilogue. Part of this was the new information that was revealed and a conflict that was introduced suddenly without being resolved. Although it did answer one of the questions raised at the start—why Lyestra, an ordinary village, was attacked—it raised more questions than answered. Furthermore, none of the endings seemed satisfactory. One of them did briefly mention the bravery vs foolishness portrayal of the protagonist, yet I did not see much of a strong a character arc.

Only then did I realize: there’s more to the story than I initially believed.

The True Path

It was amazing how all the different branches and paths interlinked. In one of my first epilogues, a treasure is mentioned almost as an afterthought. Then, on other paths, the reader can discover more about this. There was also a part where the protagonist can read books about worldbuilding. I loved how this connected to the different sections, some of which occurred before this event so it’d be impossible to use that knowledge unless the reader replays the storygame. In fact, replayability might even be necessary: it is by taking notes of the details of previous playthroughs—even ones that appear unsuccessful—that the true ending is found. I enjoyed the character’s realization that vengeance isn’t as great as it may seem. Overall, there appears to be so much effort put into this storygame, that even now, after having found all the numbered endings, I wonder if there’s still more I missed.

TL;DR

This was a fascinating storygame, with equal parts ‘story’ and ‘game’. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys fantasy quests and engaging puzzles. For the best experience, I suggest multiple playthroughs as there’s so much to explore in this story. 

Alright, I'll probably do another quick proofread and submit it. My writing style was so different back then lol. 

Thanks, faggot :)

That doesn't exactly work as an insult, though. I suggest: "Stop being such a street-shitting faggot, you're exactly what I imagine the child of a tranny and nigger would be like".

Welcome back to the site! Glad to hear you're enjoying Spell of Slumber :)

No worries, glad you like the review. Thanks for the guide on using unpublished articles! Apparently, I wrote an article on completing contest storygames a while back, though I'm not sure whether I ought to publish it.

A Guide To Actually Completing A Contest Storygame

Apologies for the brief absence, I had to focus on my assignments for a couple of days. Anyway, I'm back with a new review!

-- ⚔︎--
Day 5 | The Grand Pharaoh's Tomb, by Dire

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-grand-pharaoh's-tomb 

Let’s begin with a disclaimer: I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, so take everything with a grain of salt. As for readers, this review will contain spoilers, so I highly suggest reading the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

There’s a brief description that outlines the protagonist’s motivation and goals. The stakes are introduced, given the character’s commitment to their goal, and readers also get a sense of the setting. As this is a branching storygame, we know the answer to the rhetorical question would be ‘both’, depending on the paths we choose.

Unless you’re submitting more than one entry within this storygame, there’s a typo in the description: “This is my submissions for End Master’s Prompt Contest 3”. 

Onto the story itself. It begins with text in a small font size and italics. That’s an interesting formatting choice, though I’m not sure what it means yet. 

Then, there’s some backstory describing the situation that the protagonist is in. Good use of interspersing the protagonist’s thoughts throughout the narrative. This adds personal stakes, allowing the reader to empathize with the character and care about what happens to them in the story. I like the sentence where ‘alone’ is separated by a comma, drawing emphasis to this, as if visually ensuring the word alone is…well, alone. It’s even more thematic considering the first choice readers get in the story is between solitude and companionship. The metaphor of snakes is good too, seeing as it’s egypt-related. 

The outburst of emotions following a description of the location is a nice way to pace the story. It almost seems like the protagonist is attempting to distract themself from the situation by observing their surroundings, but at the end, they cannot escape their thoughts. A slight error: I’m not sure ‘over delivered’ is the right term here. If the protagonist over delivered to their benefactor, wouldn’t that be a good thing?

Speaking of proofreading errors, there were a few on the first page: “suppose” is supposed to be “supposed”, it’s “it’s” not “its”, and “peek” not “peak”.

There were good descriptions which added to the immersion. And just as the protagonist was about to accept defeat, believing it was all over, they accidentally pressed against a part of the pyramid that revealed a secret entrance. This inciting incident leads to the first choice.

The page starts and ends with italicized text. My guess is that it’s probably used to represent the voice of something that lurks within the tomb, but we shall see.

WRITING STYLE

The story utilizes a deep point-of-view, where the protagonist’s thoughts and feelings are interwoven into the narrative. For instance, this occurs on the information page about the pharaoh. I appreciated how it wasn’t just purely a textwall of information, but it reflected the protagonist’s process of finding out information about the elusive Kannok, along with their motivations for this. This furthered characterization. Another thing I enjoyed was that this was all explained the way I imagine a history student/ historian would, from the natural curiosity shown through all the unanswered questions to name-dropping past pharaohs of Egypt without stopping to over-explain much about them. 

I notice the descriptions include lots of active verbs, often personifying the surroundings and natural environment. You are ‘greeted’ with the dunes, the air ‘feeds off’ the moisture of your tears and the sun ‘kisses’ the top of the dune. This adds to the atmosphere, making the setting feel almost alive. It’s also a nice detail that later in the story, forces of nature are involved in a number of death endings. 

On the page about ‘Setvanet’, there’s a brief moment where the story shifts to past tense (second and third paragraphs), though I didn’t catch any other tense changes. Another word choice error: “unknown to how the locals will react to see you again” (you could replace ‘unknown to’ with ‘unsure’). Also, it’s “quite” not “quiet”. Although there are a few more word-choice, spelling and grammatical errors scattered throughout the story—likely due to contest constraints, I’d assume—I won’t list them all here. Though if you plan on editing your story and would like me to point them out for you, do let me know; I’ll be happy to help. 

Quick note: ‘we’ is used for first-person point of views, so maybe switching that to ‘all of you’ or ‘the three of you’ would keep the point of view consistent. 

I enjoyed the way tension was stretched out in the scene where Ahmed, Babu and the protagonist were trapped on the rising stairs. The use of the ‘thuds’ and short, simple sentences about the protagonist’s observations quickened the pacing while prolonging the suspense. Even after this, they faced a new problem: being cut off from the rest of the group. This is a great technique to keep the reader invested, as the protagonist’s life is continually placed at stake. 

A slight improvement might be to avoid repetitiveness. I’ll briefly paraphrase advice that was given to me a while back: when the same information is repeated, readers might lose interest and it slows down the pacing. An example: there was a part of the story which mentioned “the door directly before you describes a trial of wits and logic”, yet the same information is repeated again when the protagonist says “The first door talks about wits and logic”. The same thing happened with the second door. Another instance of this: the sentence “there must have been some sort of truth to what happened but no one would believe you if you told them” and later, “you know that no one will believe you if you told them, so you must show them.” Though, I’ll add that this is not a prevalent issue in the story and is more of a minor nitpick. 

In many death scenes—or those where the protagonist suffers a fate worse than death—the descriptions are quite uncanny and otherworldly, which depict the characters’ descents to insanity really well. Part of this is because of how the protagonist takes note of seemingly ordinary details, acts accordingly, observes something else, acts, and only when it’s too late do they realize that this chain of events led to a horrifying outcome. In a way, this ‘innocuous sequence of events leading to tragedy’ structure can be said to apply to the overarching story, but more about this later. The metaphor of the voice being described as a ‘puppet master’ in this path is so very fitting. An example of this: the protagonist enters a room with statues, sees a chair, and notices nothing remarkable about it except that it’s a stone chair (nice reference to the stone which seems to absorb all the protagonist’s tears at the start). They move towards it. There’s also a crown. So the protagonist puts on the crown and sits on the chair. Nothing happens. Then the statues appear to be staring. Only then does flesh begin melting off their hands and they turn into one of the silent observers for all of eternity. I like this technique and might steal it for future stories. 

CHOICES

The consequences to most of the choices are realistic and foreshadowed well. For example, the protagonist’s evident lack of distrust for a businessman and his bodyguards turns out to be well-founded, as it creates the consequences where, if you still decide to trust them, they will backstab you (both metaphorically and literally, which made me chuckle).

Another thing I liked was the fact that the death scenes after incorrectly answering the riddles were all different. Some were even quite relevant to what was chosen: ‘night time’ making everything go dark and ‘thoughts’ removing heads. 

PLOT & CHARACTERS
(This part includes heavy spoilers, read at your own risk)

There were two main side-characters: Babu (characterized as being the most trustworthy) and Ahmed (the one with the most expertise). This was a good way of setting the stage for some of the choices and events later in the story.

Maybe it’s a bit of a nitpick, but I feel that Ahmed’s sudden breakdown when choosing a door was out of character, especially since he’s portrayed as an expert in ancient Egypt. Perhaps if this occurred due to his expert knowledge—e.g. he knew that ancient Egyptians prided themselves on creating the most unsolvable riddles, hence he thinks they’re unlikely to escape the tomb—it would not only increase the stakes but ensure the characterization remains consistent.  

Actually, ignore everything I just said. This is brilliant. In another path, where the protagonist chooses a different door, Ahmed seemingly for no reason goes insane and attacks Babu, saying that only one can take the throne. That makes so much more sense! After all, it is later shown how Kannok possesses and takes control of individuals, after luring them in and driving them to insanity. There’s the implication that Ahmed’s expertise of ancient history is the reason he was chosen in this path. That, and the earlier characterization of Babu as someone who is extremely loyal. 

I must say, I’m quite impressed by the revelation/ plot-twist at the end. First, let’s discuss how the italicized, small-font text was used throughout the story. In some paths, it calls the protagonist a ‘coward’ or a ‘weak fool’, and in others, it gives them the gift of knowledge. Then we have the amazing foreshadowing. At the start of the story, when choosing to find out more about the Great Pharaoh, the mystery of Kannok was established. He somehow was mentioned at various points across the centuries, alongside famous pharaohs, though the protagonist wasn’t sure if those were merely his descendants or bloodline. Even though it’s never explicitly stated, the answer to this is heavily implied given the number of endings where the protagonist or another character becomes a vessel for Kannok. He possesses them, taking control of their mind and body. Another detail I loved was how the voice guided the protagonist throughout the whole story—and in fact, choosing to listen to it was the most strategic option—yet at the end, this leads to betrayal. The protagonist’s survival only mattered to Kannok until he reached the amulet. Moreover, in the endings where the protagonist chooses to reject it, he replies, “you will not reject me again”. Then the story loops back to the start. Not only does this create the effect of the protagonist now being trapped in a time loop—which is foreshadowed in one of the riddles, whereby the tomb’s ability to do this is revealed—but it also insinuates that from the moment the reader begins the story, the protagonist is *already* trapped in this time loop (hence the word ‘again’). Thus, there is no way out, other than to follow Kannok’s orders or to be killed. A true puppet-master indeed. As such, this story is a tragedy, doomed from the very first choice. 

TL;DR

I recommend this storygame. Despite the grammatical and syntactical errors, it was an enjoyable read, and the plot-twist at the end was brilliantly executed. 

A bit later than usual, but here it is. As per popular request, here's a review of your story, Peng.

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Day 4 | The Red Church, by Peng

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-red-church

I’ll start with a disclaimer: As I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, take everything with a grain of salt. To potential readers of this story, beware of spoilers galore. Please do yourselves a favor and read the story first. I promise you won’t regret it.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Maybe I’m a bit biased towards it, but I like that the description begins with a quote from the story. It gives readers a sense of the overall tone, introduces the situation that the protagonist will face, and there’s also the implied theme of temptation from the dark side. Unrelated, but it’s quite cool how you used an unpublished article for your author’s notes. I might steal that technique in the future. 

The story starts with a question to pique the reader’s interest. While the conversation between the two characters was short and succinct, there was so much tension underneath the surface: there’s the implication that the question has been asked many times in the past, and the fact that not remembering anything—ordinarily something that would be concerning—satisfies the old lady. And that last line, I love it. Unreliable narrators are fun to read about. It made me re-read the page and the conversation again. This reminds me of writing advice I once read that the first and last line of every page are the most important: the first is meant to hook the reader, whereas the last keeps them turning the page. So far, this story does both of these well.

WRITING STYLE

I absolutely enjoyed the sensory details and descriptions, which immersed me into the story. There was a part about dreams—normally, an abstract concept—but they were described so vividly with concrete imagery. There were two recurring motifs: the cold and the color red. I like the mention of leaving behind warmth when being captured, after which there were the constant references to the cold. But more on these later. 

A slight issue I noticed throughout the story was inconsistent tenses. It begins on the first page, though it wasn’t too disruptive, as I didn’t notice until I found this issue on the second page and re-read the first page for the third time. Only the 3rd and 4th paragraphs are in present tense; the rest are in past tense. On the next page, the tense shifts from past to present: ‘“Look at me,” he hisses’. Then it switches back to past again. It happens every so often in the story, but it’s nothing a quick proofread wouldn’t fix. 

Another proofreading error I noticed concerned the dialogue. Sometimes, dialogue tags were capitalized after commas and question marks when they should have been lower-case. Then, there were other parts where the dialogue tags were not capitalized, but the dialogue ended with full stops where there should have been commas. Still, I’d give you a pass due to contest constraints.

The pacing was good, especially employing a deep point-of-view to stretch out suspenseful scenes. For instance, when the protagonist was hiding, a lot of information was left unknown as he could only see glimpses of the red-robes from beneath the bed. He couldn’t see the last cultist so he wasn’t sure if he was bluffing. This lack of information kept the stakes and tension high. 

“There were no other choices, so you shouted in your mind.” - I wonder if this was a reference to there being no other choices on the page haha. 

So, remembering one of the posts you wrote, I did find a comma splice: “The next moments were a blur of crimson, red robes rushed through the house like wraiths hunting for flesh.” But that’s the only one I caught, and no, it definitely doesn’t make you a terrible writer. You’re quite the opposite, in fact.

Description effectively enhanced the narrative by creating a sense of atmosphere which tied into the grimdark world and tone of the story. For example, there were mentions of “broken baskets”, “dying embers”, and “fading fire” - all connoting brokenness and death. The death scenes were written really well too. I especially love the attention to detail in one of the endings with this as a last line: “The next moments fly by in a flash as your vision fades to black - a blood splattered veil… collapsing spires… and the cold, cold winds…” The collapsing spires beautifully juxtaposes the constant references to the spires “rising”, “towering” and “growing in height”. As for the cold winds, this was another recurring motif, with the repetition of the word ‘cold’ used to convey that the situation has gotten much worse than it was at the start.

WORLDBUILDING

There were so many cool worldbuilding details throughout the story, such as the hearts of children being crystalized and transformed to a calming substance. This answers the question posed at the start, where the kidnapped villagers were separated and there was a pause after the cultist announced, “as for the children…”

Also, the magic system was developed well. The voice wasn’t fully untraceable: the protagonist could sense its presence searching through the bodies. Furthermore, there was a man with a large eye to see what normally cannot be seen, and a woman with a large nose to smell what normally cannot be smelt (like the mark). 

(Lots of spoilers) Foreshadowing was great too: the rumors about the lord’s wife and her singing was later important, as her voice had persuasive qualities. Then there was the ritual where the “sacrificed would have their body parts cut and shaved off piece by piece, symbolizing the sacrifices that their god provided to the church”. At first, I thought this was a reference to the crystalized hearts and the abnormally large body parts that grant inhumanly strong senses. Only much later did I realize the larger significance of this as an event which parallels the four servants cutting off the body parts of the demon.

CHARACTERS & PLOT
(This part contains many spoilers). 

I liked that from the start, the protagonist had a clear mission: to rescue his parents. This led to him following the instructions of the voice and eventually finding himself trapped in this sinister web of secrets and deception.

In one of the dead-ends, new information is revealed and a question left unanswered: “Turns out the whole process is a lot faster if y- oh, you should probably hide.” That’s a good strategy to make the reader compelled to read another branch. 

Regarding the protagonist, I got the sense he was a bit of an unreliable narrator. There was the lie he told at the start, and he seemed to lie quite easily, like when he made up a reason as to why he stopped in the first church after hearing the voice for the first time in years. 

As for the voice, his motivation was foreshadowed well. There was his desperation for the child to live, the ellipses before he said “save your parents” which hints at him only using that as a way to convince the protagonist to help him, and him saying he wasn’t at the first church which implies he has a physical form. Later, the readers learn more: he is quick to abandon the protagonist when he doesn’t do as he says, and he can influence the protagonist’s memory after calling off their deal. He’s characterized as wanting retribution. Based on the information provided, it can be deduced that he is someone who used to be one of them in the past, perhaps before he got betrayed. In the scene right after, Ling mentions that he is dangerous: “It’s hard to say whether his servants betrayed him, or if he betrayed the five of us.”

I’m impressed by the way that the story builds towards the information which is revealed in the next scene. Only when the reader is immersed in the plot do they find out about the backstory behind the Red Church. In some other stories I’ve seen, there would have been a link to the lore, or maybe even an info-dump. Yet, this method here allows the reader to connect with the protagonist’s personal goal, and go through a sequence of events with a fast-paced plot that reveals bits and pieces without truly telling the full story. The timing was great, too. Earlier on, when the voice gave the protagonist newfound skills—from telekinesis to super strength—his power appeared unlimited. But this shows the limitations of his abilities. 

The power play was foreshadowed when Ling said that ‘servant’ was used as a title. All the five servants and their special abilities were introduced well, as the protagonist had already been acquainted with several of them so they weren’t a list of new descriptors/ names. The child being the demon’s favorite was a subtle detail I appreciated, which probably explains why she was spared (though that might also be because she didn’t take his tongue). 

Really good use of red as a recurring motif. I love the application of color theory: red represents passion, warmth and love (back when they were a ‘family’), but also “blood, war, and rage”. 

On another path, we get to see this story from the mason’s point of view. It adds to his characterization: he saw the demon as someone he could manipulate, hence portraying his hunger for power. The way he and Ling perceive the demon conveys the difference in their characters.

“I provide, they receive. And the instant I can’t provide any more, they turn on me like a pack of wolves.” I always enjoy paths that link to one another. In the other branch, Ling mentioned it wasn’t clear who betrayed whom; this line makes it clear. I find it refreshing that there’s no real ‘lesser of the two evils’—both the demon and corrupt servants are presented as two equally bad sides. 

Back to the main path, or what I assume is the main one: it ends with a parallel to the start! Once again, the protagonist wakes up to the sight of a concerned face staring down at him (similar to what happened when he awoke in Miss Anne’s cottage). I like full circle moments. And Ling being happier that her voice is no longer enchanted portrays her character’s lack of corruption. Unlike the others, she doesn’t crave power or the ability to control others.

Once again, we have a reference to the crimson spires collapsing and tumbling one by one, juxtaposing them as a symbol of power earlier. It’s similar to how the servants were killed, one at a time, then the demon at the end. It’s a pretty good ending, having the line “I’m tired of the cold” as another reference to the recurring motif. Whilst this seems like the true ending (unless I missed something), the parents plotline doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Wasn’t saving them the protagonist’s goal? It was the only reason the protagonist heeded the demon’s calls. Although I read the author’s notes and discovered the memories were fabrications by the demon, that part seemed to be swept under the rug as it isn’t really explained at the end. 

The revelation about the Red Church’s backstory seemed like a midpoint plot twist, or perhaps even the start of the second act. But within a few scenes—albeit good ones—the story ends. Maybe it’s because I was enjoying the story and didn’t want it to finish so soon, but the demon was extremely powerful so it felt kind of anticlimactic for the protagonist to somehow just regain control of his body and kill him. I would have liked to see more; this story has a brilliant setting, amazing political structure and magic system, and lots of interesting worldbuilding details. It felt as if it was building up towards a larger story. In fact, I’d even say it could be turned into an epic where the protagonist goes around to different red churches, killing the servants one by one. He could find out more about the demon messing with his memories and once the others are killed, there’ll be a showdown between the two of them. Still, as it stands, this is a spectacular story and well worth a read. 

TL;DR

I highly recommend this story. It was well-written, immersive and had an entertaining storyline.  

Here we go, yet another review!

-- ⚔︎ --
Day 3 | The Village That Was, by Goodnight_a

Read it here: https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-village-that-was  

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer, so exercise your own discretion. As for potential readers of this story, I will mention many spoilers; please do yourselves a favor and read it before this review. 

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

There’s not much in the description except an ominous line that it’s raining again. Going into this story, I wasn’t sure what to expect regarding the plot. I like the recurring motif presented from the start, with the chapter title of ‘light drizzle’. Will the story be organized by the stages of rain? I enjoy seeing this sort of thematic structuring, perhaps with rain being a metaphor/ symbol throughout the story.

The atmosphere was crafted really well through sensory descriptions. As the story begins in a rainy, foggy location, it creates a moody and downcast tone. Good use of pathetic fallacy here, I felt quite immersed in the setting. Revealing information about the location and characters through conversation was a nice touch—this meant avoiding info-dumps or slowing down the plot. There was good pacing throughout; the narrative flowed well.

A slight grammatical error: ‘you world’ should be ‘your world’. Also, I’m probably nitpicking here, but it might be better to use more distinct names for the newspaper and village. ‘Crantley’ and ‘Cranner’ were a tad too similar which could confuse readers.  
There was good characterization of the protagonist, too. His backstory, ambition and knowledge of his own talent were all interesting elements; I got the sense he felt he had to do a job he was overqualified for. This tied in with the driver’s impressions of the village and how nothing ever happened there. 

The first page left just enough information unrevealed to keep me invested. There were hints at future conflict: for instance, when the driver said “Well, you’ll see” and the protagonist was unable to ask him what he meant. Also, the line about “You'll be wanting all the luck you can get out there” added to the underlying ominous tone prevalent throughout the story.

SETTING

Given the prompt that was chosen for the contest, the setting played an integral role. Lots of well-placed descriptions prevented the white-room syndrome: even as I write this review, I can still picture the waterlogged islands, complete with its cold, damp air and flooded terrain. There was a lot of emphasis on the weather throughout the narrative. The protagonist used it as a way of initiating conversation with several individuals throughout the story (e.g. “Nice weather we’re having?”). In a way, it felt almost British based on my experience of having lived here for a few years: there’s the constant talk of the weather; dismal, gray landscapes; lots and lots of rain (it comes so unexpectedly too).

Anyway, let’s not get sidetracked. The flood was foreshadowed well from the beginning—when the driver mentioned it and how catastrophic it was to the village—and then again, when the protagonist questioned a relative of the deceased who mentioned it. This made the narrative more cohesive, given it was one of the main sources of the human vs nature conflict in the story. At first, I didn't really see the relevance of the ‘plague or famine’ prompt until I noticed the subtle parts where it was implied: mentions of a past food shortage, and the pamphlet about monthly rations. Then, as the story progressed, and the tensions surrounding the flood ramped up, this prompt came in at a good time to increase the stakes even more. 

Oh, guess I was right about this story being set in the UK! The references to Arsenal, the Bake Off and Earl Grey tea were very British. This story is also written in British English; not sure how I didn’t notice at first. 

Throughout the story, I loved the way the rain was a recurring motif. (spoilers) I’ll probably mention more about it later, but it was there, in the background, of all the significant scenes: after the funeral, when the protagonist chooses to leave Crantley, and it even gets heavier after a boat is stolen, they’re out of medicine and a member of their community is sick. 

Neat reference to Atlantis, the lost city, as the title of this is ‘The Village That Was’. 

It was fascinating to see a story about the destructive forces of nature—storms, rain, flood and wind—and how individuals’ true colors are revealed in the struggle for survival.

Since I noticed the author edited the story to correct a typo, here are some slight misspellings I found: ‘hve’ (Rain Check), ‘townspeaople’ (Try to Get Help) and ‘ot’ (Leave for the City). Editing was pretty good otherwise, though, as those were the only ones I caught.

CHOICES

I was surprised by the amount of branching in this story. There were more unique paths than I believed at first, especially as it was organized by chapters. Depending on the choices you make, your chapter 2 and 3 could be completely different from another reader’s.

At the start, we were given choices revolving around information-gathering. This made sense seeing as the protagonist was an investigative journalist. Then, closer to the end of the first chapter, the choices were more significant and could change the direction of the story.

There were some parts where seemingly insignificant choices like where to look for a boat meant the story split into separate directions, though I enjoyed that. It all made sense given the sequence of events presented in the narrative. There was great use of delayed consequences too—such as the choice between staying with the Sanders or at the hotel—and these led to different branches. There were similar scenes which could be experienced differently: in one path, it’s mentioned how a group of elderly kept interrupting each other, in another, this was shown in more detail. I didn’t realize this until my second readthrough, but whether or not you choose to converse with a character could determine the information that is revealed (i.e. whether you see Jasmine’s letter). 

Another thing I liked was how every chapter began with a type of rain and quote (which corresponded to/ foreshadowed the future events within that chapter). I never knew there were so many poetic quotes about rain. 

CHARACTERS

Strategic use of character—an investigative journalist—for this story. From the start, the protagonist took on quite an interrogative role even when he was just making conversation, which gave the reader new information about the village. The protagonist’s characterization was revealed in bits and pieces, sprinkled into the narrative, whether through his actions or the memories that are sparked (e.g. when he remembered his past at the church). As the story was about human nature in the face of natural disasters, this enabled readers to empathize with the protagonist more. 

Not sure if it’s intentional or a mistake, but are the years in the diary meant to be XXXX? Or was that part of a first draft and you forgot to replace it with a date? This was seen on the flyer, too: XX/2/XXXX.

The side-characters were interesting to read about. For instance, the deceased had quite realistic diary entries: she briefly mentioned world events, before focusing on what was most important to her life, like the milestones of her family members. From the different conversations, I got the sense she was more or less an ordinary woman—some people liked her, but others, not so much. Also, depending on whether we chose the pictures or diaries, we could see either a more positive or negative view of her life. It was a subtle detail but I liked how Paul tried to direct the protagonist to the pictures (positive memories). 

Then, there was the shady character who was disappointed the deceased wasn’t murdered lol. We also had other well-written side characters, like Emory, whose bluntness in conversations was enjoyable to read. Jasmine’s character was sympathetic too, given that one emotional ending. 

PLOT

I liked the notepad and its reminders depending on the choices we made. Usually, with mysteries or stories where lots of information is revealed, I find it difficult to determine what is or isn't relevant to the story. Sometimes it may feel like an information overload. Thus, this little item was a great way to point out what was most relevant to the reader.

First, I’ll briefly discuss the theme. As with lots of survival stories, the readers have to care about the characters and by extension, their survival. This was done quite well. Furthermore, one of the characters said “communities last longest”, which appeared to be a consistent theme throughout the story. By choosing to save the furniture with a group of people as opposed to individually, the outcome is more effective. Selecting selfish options—like leaving a character to her fate or stealing medicine for yourself—led to disappointment and death. 

I loved how the tensions and stakes kept rising (like the water levels) as the story progressed. (Spoiler) Fighting broke out, people tried to flee, and situations kept worsening. One of my favorite endings was the scene where the protagonist saved a character from committing suicide. I like the line: “She came here to die; you came here determined to live”. This scene was somewhat emotionally evocative, especially considering the context and how it was foreshadowed in most of the protagonist’s interactions with her. This illustrates the toll that natural disasters may take on a person. And I smiled at the part where it says the rain has stopped—through the story, it represented sadness, endless tears and grief, yet in that moment, everything seemed to be better. I found it a nice ending: the protagonist came to investigate a death but ended up preventing one.

At first, I thought I didn’t discover the ‘true’ or ‘main’ ending, but now I think I’ve read them all. So…it feels like the first half is a separate story from the second half. The first half involves more of an investigation, and maybe I had the wrong impression, but based on the notebook and differing viewpoints of the townspeople of the deceased, it appeared like there was a greater mystery behind her death (or at least some shady secret to be uncovered). It probably didn’t help that I took note of the part where Paul implied more than one journalist came to ask about his mum. Yet, the death wasn’t considered big news. Was this foreshadowing there might be more about it than meets the eye? Unless I missed something, this wasn’t the case.

Then the second half of the story—regardless of whichever path was chosen—is a tale about a community of people trying and struggling to survive a flood. There was lots of branching but even though it involved the same characters, it felt quite different from the first half of the story. Namely, the protagonist’s main goal had completely been disregarded.

Now, genre switches or changing the trajectory of a story could work, but here, it just didn’t feel that cohesive, as if the first half was building up to something quite different than what was delivered. And I guess this is what made the ending of the story feel rather abrupt, as another comment pointed out. 

The main character’s personality and goal, for instance, was to write a great piece. This was also shown through the notebook feature. Yet, the notebook was no longer relevant (and no new information was added) by the third act of the story. The protagonist’s choices became about self-preservation or saving others. This made sense given the story, though it didn’t have as much of an impact as it wasn’t tied to his characterization or internal conflict. If, for example, he was shown to be self-centered or hyper-independent, there would be more of a character arc flowing from the second half of the story. This could also build upon some of the implied themes like the importance of community and helping others. I’d have liked to see some connection between the deceased and the second half of the story too: maybe her past actions inspired a solution to escape the flood? Or perhaps, she had a secret which, once discovered, enables the characters to get away to safety. 

Nevertheless, this was a solid story about survival. Actually you could ignore everything I said if you had intended to create a specific effect. As the disclaimers say, this review is just the thoughts of a random reader. Only after writing all that do I realize the sudden shift could have been done to shock the reader. In real life, if a flood comes in without warning, it disrupts everyone’s lives, changing their previous goals and ambitions. In the same way, the protagonist arrived with a different objective, was committed to it, and all of the sudden, the circumstances changed; so must the story change as a result. 

TL;DR

This was a solid story about survival and community, and I loved how it had a strong sense of atmosphere and worldbuilding. I definitely recommend it to any readers glancing at this review.