Player Comments on Centenarian
As far as stories about mass murderers go, this could've been worse. The story mostly consists of murdering people and the protagonists inner dialogue about how much fun he's having. While there were certianly a few interesting scenes, like the one at the graveyard, and the nuke, I felt the constant killing grew a little redundant after a while. There wasn't really much to differentiate each branch aside from the setting.
I think the story would've been a lot more interesting if the main character had a motive aside from "mass murder is fun." Yeah, I get that you had a prompt to follow, and that it can be difficult to make us hate a character when we're walking in their shoes, but I still feel like there are plenty of other ways to make someone seem bad without making them a complete psychopath. At very least give him some kind of traumatic backstory, or make it so that he had to give up his humanity or whatever in order to get his enhanced abilities.
On the subject of backstory, it would've been nice to have found out what it is that made our protagonist into a superhuman, and why he's able to rise from the dead every hundred years. Is he cursed or something, or was he just born like this. This is a really cool concept; I just wish it had been explored a little more. Of course, I may have missed a branch, but I can't really see how any of the other options would've lead to an explanation of the main character's backstory.
Even still, the sentence structure was fairly quality, and the story read pretty well, so I figure I'll give this one a 4/8
on 3/11/2020 6:03:44 PM with a score of 0
The prompt was to write a story with a villain protagonist. What we actually got here was a series of murder sprees lacking in any kind of motivation, character, or nuance.
I have to say I wasn't much of a fan, although 8k is a game of respectable size, and finishing a storygame at all is a hurdle for newer users still getting the hang of branching and the like. And the writing itself was pretty solid in the technical sense, meaning I could easily see you cranking out some new stories that only improve on this one.
All the issues I had with this one were with the higher level stuff like character and plot. The MC is one note, and the people he encounters don't even achieve that level. No hint of a motivation or the source of his powers is given, which...going back to the prompt, frankly just makes him a bad villain. If this were a story told from the point of view of any of the people he was attacking, he'd still be the weak point.
Try reading Necromancer or Path of Death to see how you can write a villain with class, or at least a bit of understanding, if not relatability.
I think my favorite ending was just stalking off from the scene of the crime and getting anticlimatically bit by a snake.
on 1/7/2020 12:27:49 PM with a score of 0
Good job on finishing your contest entry.
It was a fun but a very short read. Playing a murderous villain was pretty entertaining.
I'm a bit curious about the MC, though. A guy that rises every hundred years to wreck havoc on innocent people, along with having enhanced abilities. If you are going back to improve on this story game in the future, it would be nice for a backstory regarding his origins and what kind of creature he is to added as a lore choice. If you want, anyway.
I really enjoy reading the gory and bloody details on killing the innocents. And the slightly creative methods to kill a bunch of people off. But otherwise it's quite bland and flat - I only chuckled on two separate occasions (the Batman joke and the cruise massacre). Also, the goal was to kill as many people as you can before you get killed, but why? Is there an endgame to this? Is there a reason why the MC has to kill off everyone? A clear motive to this will add a little more depth to the story.
Or maybe he just likes killing. Moving on...
The story is very linear, just a few choices and that's all. Though I can understand it due to being a contest entry and you have to write this before a deadline, but next time try to flesh it out and have choices that will have a bigger impact on the story, rather than just the two choices of getting a bigger body count or death.
Grammar wise, no complaints. Couldn't find any typos, either. Nice!
Overall, a nice fun read, but extremely short. It has potential, though. Looking forward to future stories, and good luck on the contest, Canary!
on 1/5/2020 6:57:01 PM with a score of 0
It was cool. Felt like I was watch some nostalgic film!
on 4/1/2020 9:38:00 PM with a score of 0
This isn't as bad as the rating makes it out to be. Your punctuation, grammar, and spelling are solid, and your characters (even the ones who just end up dead) have a good amount of life to them.
The story is pretty solid too: a serial killer who comes back every 100 years to wipe out a town? That's interesting. The other branch, unfortunately, is not, but I'll get back to that.
It's the main character where it starts to fall apart. Why is he so strong? I can understand maybe after 100 years, his spirit grew stronger or something, but for the other branch where you break free from your execution, it doesn't make sense. What is his motivation to kill? Just enjoyment?
His enhanced abilities seem all over the place. He can break a man's face in half, but he can't break free of cement?
Why couldn't he have just broken free before his execution?
Maybe if this was polished a bit more, this could've been scored higher.
on 2/10/2020 10:10:34 AM with a score of 0
Typo: level > lever
Interesting use of italics
Not directly showing us what the protagonist is or explaining much about them has worked very well
Attempting to breed was a funny line, but using text slang in writing makes you a terrible butcher of language
Also instead of creepy pervert, creep or pervert could have sufficed
I can see the protagonist thinks sex in any form is weird and degenerate, which would be okay as long as they didnt immediately fondle someones nuts and rip them off right after.
"They received swift bullets to the skull" just read weird in my opinion.
This deranged killer making themselves known to everyone seems like a weird move, but they may get off on that instead of caring so much about being effective.
How did the ship collapse on itself? Did the main character super fart on it?
I assumed the cursed dude also got off on letting himself be captured and killed before returning again, but judging by the word choice in that section that is not the case.
The whole part about the characters mind automatically adapting to what it is up against is weird and sudden.
It would have been cool to see the inner workings of this going on earlier, perhaps even being surprised at things like...cars, city lights, etc.
The nuclear ending was alright. Although, was the character incinerated? Seems they were pretty close to the bomb. Or if they government had the suspicion they would return, wouldnt they at least do everything in their power to lock up the body?
I am mostly picking apart your plot, you show signs of having really good writerly abilities which I hope you continue to hone.
However with my previous complaints on the weird character inconsistency and other errors.
I will rate this a 4/8.
on 1/28/2020 6:31:54 PM with a score of 0
This has a lot of potential. I like the idea of a supernatural serial killer who can come back from the dead (ALA Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruger, Candyman). I did spot some odd punctuation choices though. "Real funny asshole." should be "Real funny, asshole." "I can't watch this anymore babe." should be "I can't watch this anymore, babe." Also, the tenses keep bouncing back from present tense to past tense. Also, I find it interesting that a man who has just come back from the dead and who was executed in 1895 would know how to turn off a television set and would also know how to use a machine gun. Still, this is promising.
on 1/14/2020 2:42:26 PM with a score of 0
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on 1/13/2020 8:43:43 PM with a score of 0
Perhaps I'm a bit biased, but I thought this was fairly decent. If you're not going to have the story length to pull off a nuanced villain protagonist, making him faceless force of evil (like Mike Myers, for instance) is probably the next best choice. It doesn't work well when you're playing him though, making decisions as this character feel completely disconnected.
One of the gripes I had was the power scaling. I know you implied that he somehow got stronger and smarter during the 100 year gap, but even in the 1995 version he's either getting murked by a handful of cops or fighting the entire US military. Like... what?
I get that having an ending where they drop a nuke on the dude is pretty grand and cool, but like, they could've dropped a whole lot less on him. Overall though I still enjoyed reading it.
I'd be down for seeing this remade, except longer. Give the MC some motivation and have him play through several lives, and then end it when someone managed to kill him permanently or he gets what he wants. That would be sick.
on 1/7/2020 4:12:47 PM with a score of 0
"Before he finishes his statement, you press your fingers into his eyes and he shrieks. You can feel his brain matter behind his sockets as you then press your hands apart while keeping your fingers in his sockets, ripping his face in half. Face matter and brains drop down all over the freshly cleaned floors."
If this pulls you in, makes you want to read the story, go ahead. You are playing a mysterious killing machine/person. The story doesn’t have any time for backstories or unnecessary descriptions. It’s here for one reason only: to unleash you as fast as possible in order to let you enjoy your killing spree.
If you are looking for plot; it’s not there.
If you are looking for interesting characters; it’s not there.
If you are looking for a world where electric chairs are a worse execution method than a simple drowning; look no further.
If you are looking for mindless killing; look no further. And then please call the police.
on 1/6/2020 7:26:15 AM with a score of 0
Short, sweet, umami, just like the kids you'd grind up in this sto-
No, this story is nothing like that. Short to the point of feeling castrated, lost in no context, and no overarching plot to make thing begin nor end. It could be forgivable if it had any real length to it or any degree of difficulty to it, but the end is always the same : the character dies after a poorly-planned massacre occurs. No meticulous traps to design, no 'best results' or lofty goal to aim for, no reason behind why the main character exists. Again, it could all be excusable if it was fleshed out to explore these paths like a good old-fashioned horror movie (IT or Friday the 13th, off the top of my head), but the scenes to make the player a horrifying monster always start and end in a single page, leaving the player no stakes nor suspense in wondering just what the hell they'd do next. Things just happen and the player takes very little energy in deciding how exactly they got themselves into that situation.
So in respect to fulfilling the prompt, yes, the storygame does do that at the most shallow levels. Was it difficult to create? Probably. Was it difficult to read? Yes, in the same way a book like Divergent or the two later novels of the Hunger Games is to read; you feel neither connected to nor entertained by the plight of our resurrected protagonist. The prompt creator, EndMaster, at least gives that sort of context in his most similar work Love SICK (where the protagonist was raised and continues to live a daily life of massacre and general wanton debauchery), but this storygame feels like a mere skeleton of that : a bunch of quickly-drafted ideas stapled haphazardly.
on 1/6/2020 5:22:57 AM with a score of 0