1/13/2018

12/31/2025 4:34 AM

942

4

2 wins / 0 losses

Infrangible Warden

A Treatise on Heartly Manners

A contest entry for Bucky's year's end contest: choose your own prompt II.
Play as Lord Robert, the baron of Rivellon, at the lowest point of his life. He's cheated on by his wife, betrayed by his liege and filled to the brim with a turmoil of conflicting emotions.
How does his life end? 

Avarga

Entry for EndMaster's Prompt Contest 3. In this epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption, Your journey will take you to the very edge of existence and beyond. Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?

Brimstone

Allow me to share my story.

Cannibal Apocalypse

Pretty sure this isn't meant for the family-friendly category.

AvargB

unpublished

Contest Winner

unpublished

It did not win.

Darkest Hour

unpublished

The year is 2478 and the human race once again finds itself within Sol's borders. Like a phoenix from our bitter past, we have risen anew.

Like Aeneas, we had been cast out of our home. We searched the galaxy for a new home, and like him, we found it and made it our own. We struggled and were battered by the harsh conditions. But now, both ready and willing, we will eclipse the legends of old.

Now we shall fight to reclaim what is rightfully ours.

General Butt Naked

unpublished

FOR ENDMASTER'S CONTEST<, PRAISED BE THE LEGEND.

Liberia and Sierra Leone are small countries on the west coast of Africa. Like many African countries, the lands are extremely rich in natural resources and vibrant in culture.

However, in the 1980s the climate halted in corruption and mismanagement under the All People's Congress Party. With over 70% of the people barely capable of buying a single cup of rice, survival became much harder. Not trusting in the democratic process any longer, the RUF was formed to drastically revamp the economic system and redistribute the country's wealth. They fought for education, jobs, and true democracy. In the process, they pillaged the lands and cut off many limbs.

It is in these times Joshua Milton Blahyi is born, butt naked. And in these times he'll fight, butt naked. For he is:

General Butt Naked.

Neglected

unpublished

This is my neglected story.

zExpedition Aquarius

unpublished

For centuries, man has scoured the stars, desperate to find its likeness. Thus far all was for naught; empty husks and barren rocks worked hard to crush his dreams. There was just one anomaly, one beacon amid the darkness. This is its story. This is the story of man's first foray to the stars.

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Expedition Aquarius

zLetters Unanswered

unpublished

An epistolary novel containing the desperate pleas of a sole father. How will he bring his daughter safety in a city ripe for rebellion?

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Letters Unanswered

I'm just about even about the whole storygame thing, most short stories by virtue of needing to stand on their own with just 2000 words don't make for a good branching game without some heavy revising, at which point you'll probably lose everything about it but the faintest outline of the plot and you get a ship of Theseus situation. Like yeah it's inspired by the thunderdome, but inspiration can be as vague and all encompassing as you want. I can get inspired by a hobo squatting down for a big one in the park without a care in the world, doesn't mean it'll be the same shit. No, what I like most about the thunderdome is it's short format. By compressing something as wide as "writing" into just that limited word count, it allows a reviewer to go really in depth into the finer workings of things, highlighting things that otherwise wouldn't be mentioned at all. I wouldn't be commenting on word choice on a storygame of 50k words, because each individual one is such a small part of the whole it's almost inconsequential, at least compared to the plot beats and characters and all the other things storygame reviews detail formulaically (if that even is a word). Likewise the limited scope allows the writer to really interact with their text much more differently and with greater care than a storygame where you wouldn't need to consciously address the narrative pacing as much, given you're incentived to write away as much as possible anyway. Lower barrier of entry coupled with a much greater focus allows authors to really experiment and work on the micro level of writing, something you'd otherwise rarely do. Which is a roundabout way to say that, if we want to expand scope, I'd see it be inward, rather than outward, with more emphasis (point reward) given on a 2nd draft according to feedback rather than a vaguely related storygame. Just really hone in on the work shopping part. Or even promoting more discussion about the pieces beyond a single stream of reviews and just ending it. Reviewing reviews? A thoughtful discussion post from the authors giving their thoughts and insights about the process, and whether they agree with the feedback or not. Some back and forth. Not sure how to best stimulate it beyond incentives and asking for those things directly, though. And that is if there's even animo for this at all, or I'm just a lonely ranter shouting into empty space. In any case, thanks for hosting these things. They're fun. And having a single hub for the format allows any new authors to prepare themselves for their first entry much better. And also yeah, people can go wild with whatever I write, whenever and however they like.

Hmmpf, all right then.

Out of pity? Pity? The most insightful and actually honest reviews around and this is what the gayzette thinks of them? With an attitude like this, it's no wonder voters are becoming extinct!

Goddamn this turned out to be a long one.

Alright, since this will in all likelihood be my final Thunderrant of this year, I best make it a good one, full of good vibes, great insight, proper feedback and witty- yeah no. This is will just be a rant. Pure and simple. I am not your buddy or friend here, but actively rooting against you. I got every bit of judgemental bone in my body saved up for this one. Shouldn't have gone last, kid. So Mizal seemed to be hyping you both up, seemingly impressed by your writing prowess in the way she asked for more votes. I guess that means you both feel good about yourself, a high and prideful feeling that comes from writing something you THINK is good. I am here to tell you you're wrong. Your feeling is shit. That it only means there's a higher cliff and a bigger fall when I inevitably try to trip you up and push you off. I'll likely dislike it and detail why in all its excruciating detail to the point you start disliking it yourself. Now that was fun to write! My own foray to fish for a foreboding feeling. How's that for alliteration? Let's start, as usual, with the prompt. A foray into THE forsaken lands. Not A forsaken land. This distinction might seem small, but reading is as crucial a skill in these thunderdome matches as writing is, and correctly interpreting the prompt is a key metric in any self respecting judge's score. So what do we gleam of this? First the foray, a sense of adventure, the thrill in front of the unknown, but a hostile adventure at that, closer to an incursion than a simple voyage. That flows right into THE forsaken lands, our hostile environment. This will not be a happy trip. I want to feel the trepidation, the dooom. These lands were forsaken, abandoned for a grave reason, and apparently infamous for it. These Lands are as much a character in this story as our foray is. So to once again foray in them must be caused by desperation. A need greater than the dangers you'll face. I swear, if I see a go happy story from this prompt, I'll tear you a new one. With that out of the way, let's start reading. ---- Story A: Yeah the start is acceptable, though not great. Aside from Stegerios being a real fucking weird name you only find in fantasy authors trying to be 'creative' because it sounds vaguely Greek and thus fancy, there is a lot of lore included that I like, but in a way that I don't. Like just about the worst kind of opening to pull people in is starting with some named character being anxious and pondering their past mistakes. There's enough of that faggotry going on in the real world already. The first sentence is good, things happen, I envision the scene. You're introducing ideas, the rocky ridge, the army marching out on horseback. But instead of fleshing those ideas out in an interesting manner, expanding this image by just how that column moves, looks like, sounds or even filling the environment it moves through, I am whiplashed by a flashback about his doubts. I am introduced to a whirlwind of past events and placenames that come and go without having the time to settle or a reference to place them in. Like sure, credit where credit's due, a soldier suddenly promoted officer through heroic action is a cool as fuck idea that could warrant an entire 2000 word story on its own. When it's mentioned by a passing soldier or messenger it's a cool bit of lore that deepens the world, makes it feel alive. When it is literally hamfisted in the second line as part of the protagonist's crucial backstory but not expanded on, it immediately loses its charm. Like it's not part of the world, not organically shown through the deft hand of a writer. You're bludgeoned with it, and where was that cool conjured image of a mounted column moving out? Yeah you lost it. Now the following paragraphs do seem to stick to their central idea, and you worked the backstory nicely into thier trepidation. That was not a typo by the way. Though I do think it could be depicted more viscerally. Instead of 'keeping it in check again and again and project confidence', I'd describe it as pushing down on the panic's rising tide, trying to keep it from breaking the surface. Something more active, you know, I usually like water imagery and metaphores for these kind of things, but you can find your own words that fit your style more. But please do find one, a style that is. I'd also remove the 'all the usual things' as that seems quite the off-beat flippant remark when you try to make us feel doom. That's why I also find the choice to have the supposedly trained Royal Army performing a nice flute and dance, making a merry amount of noise before entering the valley full of monsters all the more interesting, well not interesting. This is a rant. I do not like it and find it's bad writing. There's no way any thinking man would invite even more danger that way. And then we are once again told some backstory with a half baked inclusion of the nephew who I now call only impact on the story will be to segue into this backstory and do nothing of note. If you exceed expectations you might even make him die for cheap dramatics, but I doubt it. Alright I'm getting bogged in the details here. Rather than zooming in on every little bit I don't like, I'll just state all those bits build up to this piece lacking a strong narrative tone. While we are told people are scared and feel like walking into death itself, I don't feel it. The text itself is dry as fuck rather than dripping with horror. The flashbacks, mostly factoids that feel an attempt to flesh out the main character, are mainly there to prop him up in the first place rather than deepen his character. He lacks a strong characterization in the present, as if more a vague idea in someone's head, a conjured placeholder to serve the plot than a living person. The theoretical downsides of those flashbacks (because everything you decide to include has its pros and cons) are still there however, they break the narrative flow, taking us out of the present every time. And the present is where you'd want to build up your tension and your images to make the reader immerse and feel things. And without that ramping tension, most of these paragraphs have the emotive load of 'stuff happens' then 'more stuff happens'. Now this does get a little better upon entering the valley and meeting with the Grand Wizard, the writing finally settling in one place and time long enough to know what it wants. Here, however, this aforementioned lack of characterization rears its ugly head, with the protagonist being little more than a mouthpiece of the plot. "Seriously, bad evil wizard, tell me more lore!" His incredulous and impotent questioning seriously have me in trouble attempting to combine this personality of a wet rag with the supposed hero of the orc fortress who single handedly tilted the tide. You got orders dude, stop being a angsty teenager pointing fingers and either fulfil them or turn traitor. And why the fuck do you guiltily look away from a man's visage like a teen boy caught staring at their crush once it was mentioned? Yeah the entire conclusion is wrapped up in three throwaway paragraphs, and the climax being the protagonist running away with his tail tucked between his legs seems true to character for once, as narratively shit it is. Oh, and I was right about that damn nephew. Poor dude was so forgetabble I actually forgot about him and my callout by the time I finished story B. Just chanced upon my mention of him while editing the entire thing for typos. Needless to say, I didn't like it. Now it wasn't all bad, but it's my rant, and I don't want to unnecessarily dilute what's become a beautiful piece of concentrated vitriol. Prompt 5/5 Writing 2/5 Enter's Whim -4 Total 3/10 ------ Story B: Now from reading just the first paragraph I do like B's writing more than A's. But there's still things to improve. For one you decided to write in second person. That's great, immediately makes the scene feel more immediate, as if it's all applying to me. Yeah the winds scold me. I scold you. It's great all around! But you see, the trick to writing the second narrative well is using the word 'you' as little as possible. That makes it, when you decide to use it, all the more impactful. Here in this paragraph it is the opposite. Things are burning in my brain, I must remember things while harsh winds aren't just around, bitingly cold. No, they are specifically scolding me. I give a dog some pats while I am personally greeted by night and clouds. You see how that's rather tiring? Now as the author, reread the first paragraphs while putting an extra emphasis every time you come across the word 'you' or 'your'. You get it now? The word 'you' is quickly overstaying its welcome. This is future Enter working his way back to the rant, yeah this problem persist throughout and does overstay its welcome. You can introduce half those things to the scene as just being present, allowing the reader to make the mental bridge to connect those things into applying to themselves theirselves. Another little secret as a thank you for not being as shit as story A thus far: a reader's imagination is always more powerful than any words you put on the paper. The trick is making it do as much work as possible, and getting as little in the way as possible. So that's why, when you inevitably do interrupt that imagination with a direct YOU, that interruption feels all the more powerful for it. Anyway besides that story B succeeds where A fails in making me imagine the place and feeling of the place. Instead of telling me I'm supposed to be feeling forlorn, you include 'a stubborness more human that you have seen from your people' and that actually accomplishes the thing through hijacking my empathy and imagination. Good. However, I do not like the 'Whatever.' as a one word sentence immediately after. It's very basic, forcing thoughts into the narration as a word rather than implanting the idea itself. I don't like the word itself as well. Meh. So moving on, I am going to be a bit of a hypocrite here. Usually I proclaim the need to settle the pace down, let things sink in before moving on, and to keep to the central theme for a cohesive short story. Here, I am just kinda getting bored. Sure, the melody happened just at the right time it started to set in, where I grew accostumed to the atmosphere of wry loneliness, but then he kinda fucked off to mope around in some other place, nothing much happening. And I think that is the crux here. You hamfisted all these emotions and feelings into me through your writing, but I am missing the hook. There is mystery, yes, but all this you (me?) has done is mope around a bit. There is nothing to let sink in because nothing concrete has happened yet. The introduction of the Fader seems to be about three paragraphs too late. Perhaps it's getting late but while the sudden shift in pacing is good, the contents of it mostly left me confused. Were the shots and thud meant to imply the Fader is dead? Did these Wanderers shoot it? Why am I laughing and patting the dog's head if the Wanderers are in my hut and I was told a Wanderer showing meant my certain death just two paragraphs ago? I applaud the author's choice in attempting to keep the narration firmly stuck to this protagonist's experience, but you forgot I am not born and raised in his place. There's introducing foreign concepts like earplugs and Faders I can gleam the implication of, but this is just a confusing situation of its own. Now the conclusion seemed well done and properly tying things up without haste, and I do appreciate a self indulgent 'Wanderer wanders' wordchoice (unless this was done by accident rather than a personal joke, in which case it's shit!). As a whole, I'd say this piece's main problems were just a slow start (I'd start with something actually happening to catch and keep interest) and slightly unpolished writing. Promptwise though, I wouldn't call this a foray, rather an exile. And it's not really a forsaken land when the exile is from an outpost right in the middle of it. Prompt 3/5 Writing 3/5 Enter's Whim 0 Total 6/10 Yeah you won. Well done.

The power of the textwall rant overcomes any deadline.

Damn. Neither am I

Hey if you're willing to provide us with the codeblocks and UI design made to fit, I promise some of us will check it out

Yeah the official deadline being literal Christmas Eve seems about the worst decision anyone could've made

Damn what's this? A proper prompt from a gazette battle? Damn, did the paper outsource this to a third worlder or something (I bet RK knows a guy), but in any case, it's a clear upgrade. Keep it up! Now the same schtick I wrote for the previous edition applies. I know it's past the voting deadline, but deadlines be damned. There's a rant to write! Alright onto the prompt itself, it reads like an opening sentence, immediately setting the mood and scene. There's the dutiful clerk writing tirelessly, probably best to keep them as nondescript and boring as possible, because there's also the big news(!). Now I'll be mainly be judging on how entertaining and big the biggest headline is, how creatively they got their hands on this headline and how much in a rush the paper will be to print it. After all, in this business, if you ain't first, you're last. ------- Story A: Now this is good stuff. Archibald is exactly the name you'd expect of a gray guy crazy enough to want to run a newspaper. The opening is boring, but you see, it's about a guy named Archibald. It is SUPPOSED to be boring. And then comes the genius part, some paragraphs later it is shown that this Archibald, the nondescript guy, so perfectly typecast as a stereotypical gazetteer, is actually the janitor! That kind of genius is almost frightening. ... And then you have to ruin it by making him a superhero, but I guess those types of fantasies are also commonly found in gazetteers. All jokes aside though, with a prompt this specific it did fail. No reporter rushed in. There was not much of a buildup at all. Some other news agency televising it is about the lamest way to get your headlines to publish. Worst of all, there was no rush, but a rush to end the story. Because for a superhero story, it mostly felt super unfinished. The writing was actually GOOD and engaging, so no comments there. Which is sad because now I have no way to pad my rant wordcount, but a good thing because I actually got engaged with the story itself. That made the pageflip all the more disappointing. A quick meeting, a dumb 'I quit' joke way out of established character, and then it's done. And so am I. Prompt 1/5 Writing 4/5 Enter's Whim -2 Total 3/10 ---- Story B: Now remember how I posted about an entire rant worth of opening advice on the previous edition, concluding that a dialogue is about the worst way to open a story? Yeah there should've been an asterisk added, that if only you do it with a dick joke, it does work out. Just got to have balls. It also helps you use pre-established characters. There's no barrier of entry, at least for your intended public. I need no character introduction to know who RK and Will is, though I always seem to overlook Milton. That immediate connection allows you to do away with needing a hook or finding another reason for the reader to care and thus engage with your piece. But that's also where this piece kinda falls apart. With apparently the entirety Gazette crew and CYS admins needing to be included and characterized with their proper one-liners, it becomes more of a self-wank (the worst kind of fan fiction in other words) than a story, quickly outstaying its welcome. Will's adventure and need to publish, bringing cystian culture to the outside world, seems to be introduced as the central story here, the rest is just unneccesary fluff eating up wordcount, especially in a short-story. But it doesn't go there. Like sure, I don't have anything to rant about the writing specifically, and that's bad because then I barely have anything to rant about, but the plot meanders. Every new paragraph needs another cystian to say something that fails to go anywhere. Then you have Sent making his rival newspaper out of nowhere and I can safely conclude there is no plot at all and kinda skimmed the conclusion. Prompt 3/5 Writing 4/5 Enter's Whim: -3 Total 4/10 ---- Story C: That is a very good opening paragraph. It has all the ingredients in it that I like and the twist is impressive and very promising. Ususally the first person narration has that problem, especially in interactive fiction, where it feels really weird and iffy to have the narrator die (in for example a bad end), because then who'd narrate that death? This sidesteps that entirely. I do not like the follow-up, however. The tense is weird. It's still in the past but 'moments later' is such a weird descriptor in this scenario. It is also a weak ass bridge to the mayhem that happens after, causing this entire opening to go from clear winner material to having the pacing of a trainwreck shot in reverse. 'I understood her well enough: The Gods are angered'. Yeah, I know they'd be technically still angry throughout the narration, but coupled with that moments later I get the feeling you'd been better off just bringing the entire thing into the present tense with a better bridge. And reading further, the narration sarcastically making a marvel tier joke towards the audience when recounting his death irks me gravely. But then it got better. I think the fake-out death was quite well done and I enjoyed the greater narrative theme despite it not adhering to the letter of the prompt. I'd expected to have to rant about it being pedantic, but it rather struck as genuine to me, a smart meta story about the world of journalism. The fact I enjoyed it makes ranting about it hard, so let's end it here. Prompt: 3/5 Writing: 3/5 Enter's Whim: 2 Total 8/10 Story C won, well done.