1/13/2018

12/4/2024 11:30 PM

768

4

2 wins / 0 losses

Infrangible Warden

A Treatise on Heartly Manners

A contest entry for Bucky's year's end contest: choose your own prompt II.
Play as Lord Robert, the baron of Rivellon, at the lowest point of his life. He's cheated on by his wife, betrayed by his liege and filled to the brim with a turmoil of conflicting emotions.
How does his life end? 

Avarga

Entry for EndMaster's Prompt Contest 3. In this epic tale of courage, sacrifice, and redemption, Your journey will take you to the very edge of existence and beyond. Will you stand to lead; or will your story be cut short?

Brimstone

Allow me to share my story.

Cannibal Apocalypse

Pretty sure this isn't meant for the family-friendly category.

Contest Winner

unpublished

It did not win.

Darkest Hour

unpublished

The year is 2478 and the human race once again finds itself within Sol's borders. Like a phoenix from our bitter past, we have risen anew.

Like Aeneas, we had been cast out of our home. We searched the galaxy for a new home, and like him, we found it and made it our own. We struggled and were battered by the harsh conditions. But now, both ready and willing, we will eclipse the legends of old.

Now we shall fight to reclaim what is rightfully ours.

General Butt Naked

unpublished

FOR ENDMASTER'S CONTEST<, PRAISED BE THE LEGEND.

Liberia and Sierra Leone are small countries on the west coast of Africa. Like many African countries, the lands are extremely rich in natural resources and vibrant in culture.

However, in the 1980s the climate halted in corruption and mismanagement under the All People's Congress Party. With over 70% of the people barely capable of buying a single cup of rice, survival became much harder. Not trusting in the democratic process any longer, the RUF was formed to drastically revamp the economic system and redistribute the country's wealth. They fought for education, jobs, and true democracy. In the process, they pillaged the lands and cut off many limbs.

It is in these times Joshua Milton Blahyi is born, butt naked. And in these times he'll fight, butt naked. For he is:

General Butt Naked.

Neglected

unpublished

This is my neglected story.

zExpedition Aquarius

unpublished

For centuries, man has scoured the stars, desperate to find its likeness. Thus far all was for naught; empty husks and barren rocks worked hard to crush his dreams. There was just one anomaly, one beacon amid the darkness. This is its story. This is the story of man's first foray to the stars.

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Expedition Aquarius

zLetters Unanswered

unpublished

An epistolary novel containing the desperate pleas of a sole father. How will he bring his daughter safety in a city ripe for rebellion?

An entry to Mizal's Tiny 'topias Jam. Where a lot more little bite-sized stories are -and will be- shared by other authors.

And for those that don't have the extension, and thus can't click on the storygame to open it, here's a tiny backdoor left open. Feel free to make use of it, and even leave a comment if you like.

Letters Unanswered

Man got milked one time too many

No clue who is for and who is against what but I'm just butting in to say if animals weren't supposed to be eaten they shouldn't be tasting so good

B

I feel like having your entry consist mostly of dialogue makes it much harder to give feedback. After all, almost all of the words I read aren't your own, but your characters'! And who am I to change your character's voice. So instead of going line by line, I'll have to break the rules of this thread and just give you my overall thoughts: The good: - The actual dialogue itself. It flows naturally. Especially the line "No, that’s not—Look...". It reads like natural language instead of forced exposition through the mouth of a character. - Adding upon the point above, I like people actually cut each other off. - Characters have personality. The bad: - It's mostly just dialogue. I would like to see more actions interspersed in between the lines. Instead of the two of them saying and replying in an empty void, have them walk around and interact with the scene as they say stuff. The driest conversations arise when the both of you just stand still and face each other exchanging lines like AI chats or autists, and that applies to written scenes as well. For example: Dee could be pulling at the door multiple times as the narrator pushes it closed again with each reply. Or a small pool of water could slowly leak out from under it as the conversation progresses, forcing the narrator to kinda do the little foot dance kicking it back again. - Getting shoved aside with practically no effort after all that effort kinda blows. But I feel like others already tackled that sentence sufficiently. The ugly: - permenant

I like these edits. (Or well, most of them as a proper writer must keep at least some of his pride!) Especially using more 'active' verbs like race to vitalize a sentence is something I could improve a lot in. Thanks! As for the priest, I pictured the fella much more as a monster than a man, kind of like the mouth of Sauron or a lich, where it is much more an it than a he. Guess I must have been somewhat confused myself while writing

This is a great topic. Not often do you have a chance to gain in-depth feedback over sentence structure, which makes or breaks a writing style. Here's a 240 words piece I wrote based on a cool world-building idea I had last night. Mostly interested on how well these slow and ponderous sentences are able to keep interest while effectively lore-dumping. -------- “It’s here! It has arrived!” Dropping the hammer in your hands, you speed out of the smithy immediately. There’s a huge cloud of dust to the south. Tip-toeing to reach over the village palisades, you notice the grand spires of the Merikon standing proud over the mountaintop. They’re huge cathedrals, living relics, acting as cities in themselves, being an ode to a forgotten god. As their wheels slowly grind across the world, they trek from town to town, taking in the sick, daring or desperate in their unfathomable catacombs. It’s a one-way voyage. Nobody had yet come out of a Merikon. But that does not stop the dozen of lepers shuffling towards it with bliss upon their faces. The Merikon have been around for eons, and yet they’re clouded in mystery. Only recounts of rumors exist from the adventuring few who dared to climb its steps to take a peek inside. They saw only a single being within its ornate but empty halls, a priest who stood at the altar as if a captain at the helm, unmoving, robe stained red of blood that flowed incessantly from his gouged-out eyes as it steered the Merikon across the land. In a moment, as if it had sensed them, the priest slowly turned to face them, and a shriek slammed the grand doors shut with the power of a storm. It was the first time the Merikon arrived at your village in centuries. You had to get in.

I'm also fluent in kicking ass

That's such an American way of thinking.

Why are you screaming? I am bringing your body into its next stage of evolution

The thing is Darius' knowledge is based on diagnosing what kind of retard someone could be based on phrenology whereas I am specced into surgery and anesthesia.