Player Comments on Chivalry

I haven't heard of the game that this is based off of, but that didn't detract from my enjoyment of this storygame at all. I liked being able to learn a bit more about the background to the game, which really helped in setting the scene.

I found it really easy to engage with the setting and plot of this storygame. I particularly liked the moral choices at various points in the game, where the player character could make choices such as whether to kill a man who was so obviously evil or not. I didn't do that, even though I found myself agreeing with Buckley that the man deserved to die. I was trying to look at the bigger picture, though I didn't try going down the path of killing the man, so I can't say for certain how things would have ended.

All three of the endings I reached all ended the same for the Agath as a whole...which was a little disappointing. While there was some hope of things eventually improving for Agatha, with the heirs being rescued, I would have liked to be able to 'win'...as much as one can win in war, of course.

I really liked the descriptions in this storygame, especially when it came to the fighting parts. And the legend talked about by the old man, about the man who killed himself to be reunited with his lost love, was really intriguing. I was hoping there might be something to that legend, especially as the old man who said about it seemed to disappear...as if he'd never been there.

I did like the ending where the player character could live peacefully with the woman and child he saved, which seemed to be the 'best' ending for him...at least out of the ones I came across while reading.

I really enjoyed this storygame. It was easy to follow and understand, despite not being familiar with the game it's based off of. Thank you for sharing!

Chivalry review:

First things first:

I am reviewing a fan fiction game where I'm not too familiar with the original property. Understandably, a fanfiction game will be more enjoyable to people familiar with the source material, yet it is my firm belief that it falls upon the writer's strength to make it accessible and enjoyable to new readers, provided they do a little work beforehand to at least be aware of what's going on. At the end of the day, a good story is a good story.

I think the prologue is a bit dense for new readers, and it's a little challenging to first read that, and then move on to the story itself. It's hard to understand what's going on with so many names and things happening, although I have done something similar, so I don't want to throw glass stones from a glass house. But at the same time, the story of the prologue is interesting, promising action, adventure and intrigue soon to come. We get several characters established: King Alphonso Argon, the ruler who set out on a doomed mission to conquer Tenosia, a land to the south of where they are. Marlic, a brilliant general who was initially opposed to the whole plan, and later turned out to be a turncoat who abandoned his leader upon the failure of the Tenosian operation and took over. The congress of lords, basically the collection of all the lords who governed under King Argon, and advised him. Finally, the Mason order, the soldiers who serve under General Marlic. Now, you(the MC) are a part of a group that is trying to free the kingdom from the rule of General Marlic and the mason order.

I enjoyed the maps, because the names of all the various places got really confusing, so it was helpful to see, for example, where the Vantear province was situated relative to the Agatha Kingdom.

I love the first sentence, seriously I think this writer has great aptitude for good first sentences. The first sentence: Another bout of thunder pulses in the night, reverberating through the wood in the surrounding bunks, is really well written.

The writing is captivating, I really feel for the general’s plight, and I enjoyed how the author intermixes the actual events with internal thoughts. I liked the “Sir Loin” joke, that was hilarious. I was confused by the spelling of “Tibberius Bane”, shouldn’t it be “Tiberius”? But it’s internally consistent, so I think that was intentional.

Also, there’s a nice “Alien” reference to Signourey Weaver, that did take me out of the story, but in a good way the first time(monsters with a mouth in a mouth). At the same time, for the purpose of the joke, the dialogue drags a bit, and honestly it feels like the character was just placed there for the sake of the joke. Then you refer back to Sir Gourney Weaver’s death again, talking about a giant alien sea creature that eats him, which definitely felt odd and out of place. The sirloin joke fits because it sounds like a joke that actually works within universe. Again, this is me throwing stones from a glass house, but I do think pacing wise, the story could probably be a bit faster without the joke. It’s also uncharacteristically meta that doesn’t fit with the serious medieval feel you created so well, but this is more of a nitpick so feel free to ignore it. I enjoyed the rest of the jokes, they were really funny and fit with the bawdy medieval atmosphere(particularly the “your sword is so short” joke, I don’t know, maybe I’m pretty immature, but I laughed out loud at that part!).

The writing of military tactics, and medieval battles was well done. It made perfect logical sense. The author didn’t dumb it down for a general audience, yet at the same time made it easy to follow.

There’s a small typo in the page “Sneak over the walls to destroy the siege weapons”. In the sentence, “You stand on the beach with Sir Weaver, the rain finally abetting”, it should be “abating” instead.

The worldbuilding is really well done, and the characters really feel like they are a part of the world. They reference things like “the burning of the Trayan Citadel”, which when I checkedthe prologue, happened in the invasion of the Vantear province. I love the way you create this serious atmosphere, and tension in the story. I couldn’t take my eyes off the story, it was so enthralling. I was holding my breath(metaphorically) during the battle scenes.

I really enjoyed how you build suspense throughout the story, particularly with the bar conversation about the spy in the camp. The best part was, you delivered on your promise earlier in the story, because the Masons truly are as dastardly and immoral as you claimed. Their ultimate plan, to release dead bodies and infect the drinking water supply, really befits bad guys of their reputation. And the creepy doctor was a really well written villain. I also liked the choices we had between acting for the greater good, or killing this repugnant individual. This choice is a recurring theme as we see this happen throughout the story, with some more interesting politics, such as a steward who isn’t necessarily considered for the welfare of his people, as he is for ending the war and protecting the nobility(defending the keep). This also happens again with choosing to free the slaves or pressing forward to the main wall. I thought this was quite realistic and interesting, but a really tough choice for me to make. Especially at the end, where you see a little girl floating lifelessly in the river, clutching a tattered stuffed animal. Good god! Through that ending, we, the knights of Agatha, became almost morally indistinguishable to the Masons, which was interesting because the prologue initially set it up as a clear good vs evil situation, where the honorable and chivalrous knights of Agatha seek to eliminate the scourge of the dishonorable and ruthless Masons. But real life isn’t that black and white, and you do a good job of exploring the moral greys.

Finally, I loved the sensory descriptions that really bring you in the story(the acrid smell of sulfur assaulting your nostrils).

The branching was well done, and I like how whatever choice you picked, it would go to the end without prematurely punishing you for the wrong choice.

There are some mistakes in the ending, since I got the ending where Sir Buckley gets shot in the neck with an arrow and eventually decapitated, luckily though managing to heroically give Malric a limp that affects him for the rest of his days. But in the ending page, it says Sir Buckley managed to spirit away the heirs, including King Argon’s son, which is impossible since Buckley died. Maybe he did it sometime in between, that wasn’t mentioned in the story? Or I might have missed it? But regardless of the continuity errors, which are understandable given it’s a contest entry, this story was fantastic

Everything was firing on all cylinders in this story, I really enjoyed it, and I’m going to give this story a 7(-1 for the continuity errors). A truly noble entry for Corgi’s Gaybellion contest, and one that hopefully mollifies Corgi a bit after he reads my story, as it probably fits his original vision for the contest the most, considering his knight in shining armor avatar. Well done Fluxion, you truly are a force to be reckoned with, and I got to check out the video game Chivalry, I really loved this story.

I made an error in my original review. The game didn't make a continuity error because Buckley moved the heirs before he died. I think the author could have made it a bit more clear that Buckley moved the heirs before he died, since that is a pretty significant event, but it was in there. Thank you for pointing this out Fluxion, and my bad, I should have been more careful.

So uh... unfortunately I accidentally published this without saving a page after editing, so there is a page in which my notes are there instead of the actual page. I hope it's clear what happens there. That will be fixed as soon as the contest is over. :/