Player Comments on Different Universe

;)

Not bad. I quite liked it. It's not perfect, but its pretty good. The death links so early in the story were annoying. Good story, good elements, good voice. Any grammar issues didnt distract me, but some of the paragraphs were big and hard to read through. Break them down please and thank you.

I do not have the pleasure of reading stories such as these on a frequent basis, so really appreciate the rare "rough-diamonds" that pop up on the site every now and then.

I shall address your primary concern later on in this post, because it turned out to be a relatively minor aspect of your story overall. But for now, I shall type/write/mention your plot and writing style. The primer is fairly simple and rather cliche, but executed fairly well. The writing leaves the viewer to be interested as to how the story will be told, even if they know the general direction of the plot.

The story also presents an ample amount of choices to coincide with the reader's experience, and "dead ends" are not neglected. Choices were made to be logical/within the bounds of reason (even if there is magic and a medieval setting), so as to prevent most if not all ridiculous "logic jumps."

Now, for your grammar/punctuation. For the most part, it was solid. The first part of the previous sentence is important, because there were either occasional errors that were either minor or fairly noticeable (and jarring in some cases, especially with the excellent execution of writing often present on the same page), or mistakes that could not be ignored because they occurred on every page. I shall refrain from posting every single mistake and writer guideline here, because your grammar and punctuation are solid enough to warrant otherwise. What I shall make notice of however, are the following:

-Avoid awkward phrasings, since they occurred every so often, and gave an issue or two with punctuation

-Remember the differences between "your" and "you're" (a minor slip in one place I believe, but be careful)

-Most importantly, your use of quotations was incorrect most of the time. If you have someone engaging in dialogue, then make sure to write/type it like this:

"That was great!" she said while giving me a thumbs-up. "You can probably do stand-up."

"I don't think so," I whispered with a gloomy expression.

(See how I didn't capitalize the 'she' after the exclamation, as well as how I used the commas and periods? When you have sentences set up like that, make sure to set them up in a similar manner.)

Overall, your story tells me that you have potential as a writer. It is very good for a first attempt, but it still has some rough edges, as all literary works have in the beginning. If you continue to write and take constructive criticism, most of the mistakes I mentioned will be less prevalent or go away completely.

Good job. 4.5/8, which rounds up to a 5/8.

Nice and interesting story concept overall, but with several issues, in both pacing and GRAMMAR. It's visible that an effort was made to proofread the first half, but on the second half, everything starts going downhill. It felt more like a bare-bones skeleton of a story rather than a complete one.

5 out of 8 it was pretty good

This was a fun story game. It was long and interesting to read with lots of description. Good job

Nice game. Can't understand why the rating is so low though, maybe because it's a game about taking down the king and a rebellion? But all in all the plot is well thought of and the suspense is well kept, so why was it not recognized as a good game? ;)

It was a simple and straight-path story, but it was still entertaining and I enjoyed the adventure.
Frequently the grammar could be difficult to read, particularly from lacking sufficient comma breaks.
I recommend for those seeking an easy story that can be finished in one session.

Liked it.

Sorry about that last comment. I played it again and actually enjoyed it, mostly during the first mission. The game reminded me of the Beyonders series, the Assassin's Creed series, and the Elder Scrolls games. I hope to play more games like this. (P.S. I didn't even play all the way through my first time, so it was mostly prejudged)

Too wordy. Good story. Bad grammar. (Using the wrong "to" or saying "a alarm" and not enough commas)
This is a comma -> ,

I like the part where the character says "So it begins", or something along those lines. Also if you say there is no technology you probably should keep it that way (for example the refrigerator) so the story is well constructed. It was good but there was some spelling and grammar issues. I really enjoyed this one though. I hope to see more from you.

a few grammar mistakes but fortunately no spelling mistakes. you did good work with this one and hope to see more like this out of you, if I were you read some of endmaster's stories for some types of ideas for stories.

Good game but too short

To all that enjoyed this story I am making my first advanced story game. It is about a zombie apocalypse. Estimated release time is June or July.

I like the storyboard! You are forced to choose to either spare or kill your friends and enemies as you progress through the story. Trust is never without betrayal.

This game was actually good! Haha, I am a sophomore in High School so I see. Nice story, One thing though, if you are going to make a page at the end that tells everyone to give constructive Critisism I recommend not doing so. that will probably have the counter affect. Just some friendly advice.

This...didn't suck. Kudos!

On a more serious note. *Clears throat* This was actually pretty good, you have a decent writing style.

Pretty good! I enjoyed this story and would love to see a sequel. Even though I died!
5/8

Wow, this is great! But, it does need more choices. I think that you don't control Eric enough for it to really get you pulled in but I can see a lot of work done in this.

Nice Game. 5/8
-SomeGuy