Player Comments on Gay Old Time

I’m very conflicted about what to say for this story. On the one hand, I didn’t enjoy it much and felt happy to get it over with. On the other hand, this is a genuinely creative story and really should get its rightful accolades. So, I’m going to write a positive review and explain why this story was not my cup of tea.

SPOILERS

So, the first time through, I was definitely not a fan. Simply listening to a one-sided conversation about Tobias aka Marcel explaining what a rough childhood he had was definitely not my idea of a good time. There was the whole thing about the mysterious man saving him in the bathtub, but that really just felt like out of place deus ex machina at that point.

On the second time through, after the time weaver demon sent me back, things started to make sense. I didn’t start to enjoy the story at all yet, as it consisted of me listening to Elise complain about how bad her childhood was and vent about her sister.

It wasn’t until the fifth try (my third and fourth were wasted) that it began to be enjoyable. This is where the mystery and the whole point behind the story became apparent. Demon hunters, contracts, mind reading, and more. The world had so many twists and turns in it. This mutual knowledge is what gave the protagonist and Elise a sort of understanding or bond, and I really liked that particular aspect of the story.

I will say that unless the average reader is smarter than me, it’s likely there will be a great deal of confusion as to what is going on in the story. Though the “find it out as you go’ is very enjoyable for the most part, I wonder if it wouldn’t have improved the story if a few details were more readily given.

Additionally, listening to Marcel, a known liar, talk about all this hardcore stuff that he supposedly did after leaving home seems very disingenuous. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe him or not.

There were a few annoying spelling errors (desert is a place without water; dessert is a sweet food), but nothing that was a real issue. There were also a few phrasing issues. One I remember is “I couldn’t help feeling but a little sorry for her” when it should be “I can’t help but feel a little sorry…”

Anyway, I think most of the reason I didn’t enjoy reading this story was the format of one sided conversation. This wasn’t helped by the fact that both characters are quite misanthropic.

While you may not love the story, it is a fresh take on time travel that will not disappoint in that regard.

This has been up for a few days and has no comments, so I thought I'd fix that.

The problem is that I don't have the time to read through 60k words right now, so I'll rate and leave my thoughts based solely on the first page.

I vow to come back and give it the read-through and well-thought out comment it deserves though. Someday.

Without further ado, first page, my thoughts.

'Huh, a visitor? Anyway, it’s quite late already. I thought that we wouldn’t have any people coming in, because of the snowstorm outside and all.'

It's refreshing to see a CYOA written in first person, and the style of narration certainly is unique. No dialogue tags, thoughts mixed in with speech.

The snowstorm is brought up in a way that feels natural, explanations nicely interwoven with text, I liked that. Seems like it'll be important later.

'When I was driving to work, I could barely ... today because of the weather.'

Snowstorm was brought up again in greater detail, it's definitely important to the plot in some way.

'Perhaps it’s wiser to walk home and leave your car here for the night. Did you leave your coat in the car? Wait, you didn’t bring anything?'

Who's this "you"? Is the narrator different than the protagonist? In any case, that piqued my interest.

'Then there is this rumor of a terrible murder that happened yesterday. The police haven’t made a report as of yet, but I heard that some of the suspects are now lying in this hospital. Quite a scary world we live in, right?'

This has to be important to the plot, I'm sure of it. You can't just casually mention a murder and never reference it again. Why wasn't something so huge brought up sooner?

The character's reaction is a bit tame for something so extreme, is he hiding something?

'Did you at least make an appointment beforehand? No? I shouldn’t be surprised.'

Again, who's this "you"? Someone referring to the narrator, or the narrator's thoughts? Still, an interesting way to tell a story.

'Welcome to the Haarlem central hospital.'

Haarlem, is that a reference to something?

Seems it's just a city in the Netherlands. Makes sense, since you do live there. I was confusing it with harem.

'What’s your name and who is the lucky person to get a surprise visit?'

Oh, so the "you" is just someone talking to the narrator. The dialogue might get confusing later in the story then, especially if there are multiple people talking. That'll be an interesting read, at least.

'It's for administration efforts and to find that person in the database. I’ll print out the directions and the room number for you. Above each hallway you have those little route numbers. Just follow those and you’ll be fine.'

This part felt unnecessary, just say the room number without so much explanation.

But just to make sure I wasn't being retarded and missing a critical plot point, I went ahead and read the second and third pages, to check if the reader really had to know about the process of finding a room.

It still seems that the information given here is pointless wasted words. (Though half of this review is also pointless wasted words, so I may not be the best person to take advice from.)

In all, I liked it, and I'll definitely come back to give it a proper read later.

DISCLAIMER: This review contains massive spoilers. Strongly recommended you read the story before this review.

So despite other reviews on here being confused, I think it’s pretty apparent on the first page that the person speaking is not some kind of narrator, but is in fact some kind of receptionist working at the hospital. They seem to have a tendency to ramble, considering they could have just given you the room number, but the giving directions, superficial familiarity with the protagonist, and the interest in an appointment/welcoming to the hospital indicate they are a hospital employee. The title hospital: reception also helped. Ha.

I will say the throwaway mention of a killer was a bit jarring, but not entirely unrealistic. If you spent the entire day bored with nobody to talk to, it’s not unreasonable to assume you might start bringing up unrelated conversation topics to keep the interaction going.

Now the narrator seems to be Marcel. So this is actually an interesting premise I’ve never seen before on a CYOA. A real-time, first person conversation with the title indicating who the speaker is? I’m intrigued.

The way Marcel keeps changing the subject is a good literary hook to build interest. Every time I call him out on changing the subject, he does it again. This, along with the beginning description of the weather establishing that nobody in their right mind would be there at that time, makes it rather apparent that the protagonist is there for something serious. And a face to face conversation over just a phone call implies it demands a face-to-face conversation, which are usually not good.

Despite Marcel’s attempts to humanize his mother, I’m not buying it. I understand the struggle of raising kids in poverty, but if the botch can afford sleeping pills and alcohol, she can afford medicine for her child. Blaming her eldest only makes it worse.

And then the torture? I will say that the mother’s motivations are masterfully explained. Single mothers abusing their children because they look like their fathers is an unfortunate reality, especially in cases where the mother has been sexually abused. I don’t know what exactly happened to her, but it’s a pretty clear indication from the description Marcel gives of his father that he did SOMETHING to her. Still doesn’t excuse her behavior. She should have given them to the state rather than keep, neglect, and abuse them. So far, Marcel and his mother are compelling characters.

The supernatural entity appearing when Marcel is dying is an ingenious way of introducing him. You don’t know how much is real and how much is due to blood loss. The description of Marcel’s mental state beforehand lends a lot of strength to this indecision.
His Wolverine healing factor, however, shows the reader that this was in fact a true story… at least from Marcel’s point of view.

So it’s apparent that Elise Ali’s a trans woman. However, I also admire the author’s ability to give her her own personality traits and mannerisms. Much more realistic than making her gender identity the literal cornerstone of her personality, like some authors (cough, CoG, cough).

And to prevent spoilers, can I just say, I did NOT see that coming. Serves the old bag right, although I’m a little surprised that Marcel tried to save her. The narrator does a fantastic job of explaining why he did so, along with Elise’s motivations. It also does a pretty good job of tying in with the first page description of a murder by the receptionist. A bit of a clue as to what the protagonist is about to walk into. Excellent foreshadowing.

I will say, it was jarring to go from getting a letter from Marcel to laying down dying while something speaks to you about love and death. I’m intrigued. Then, time travel? Hmm. A bit sudden, but I’m game.

Now, we’re going to Eline’s chapter. After getting to know Marcel and his mother so vividly, and the way he speaks about her, I’m going into this chapter with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. Let’s see just how complex this family unit truly is.

Oof. This is a strong willed one. So far, her story seems to be matching up with Marcel’s. I find it curious as to why he would not use his real name with us. One thing I agree with Elise on: it was impossible for their mother to harm him. He could have easily stepped in, given her a taste of her own medicine, and taken his sister with him. After all, isn’t his main motivation supposed to be protecting his sister? She has a point that his words and actions are not quite matching up.

So not only does Elise confirm what we already suspected in Marcel’s chapter- that the abuse he gets from his mother is her taking out her anger and hurt over his father on him- but now? We get the background details on how this union occurred and where it went so horribly wrong.

WOW! So the origins of the name Marcel are finally revealed. I have to admit I didn’t see that one coming. For the purposes of this review we will continue to refer to Tobias as Marcel, and his “sister” as Elise.

“Don’t try to ask how a person like me got ahold of a gun.” Ahh, a subtle reminder that this takes place in the EU. Clearly, an American story would’ve had her walking into the house with a .556 NATO rifle and Level IV plate armor.

Definitely hate the mother. Favoring the eldest is somewhat understandable, line of succession and all. But to stipulate that you want your things destroyed rather than allow them to pass into the hands of your child because you don’t agree with their life? That’s the worst kind of parent. Her job is to provide for her children, even after death. She failed at that every step of the way

Yeah, that whole family is sick. Bunch of narcissistic psychos. I’m clocking out.

So… David is a demon? Or he sold his soul? That part is left kind of ambiguous.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Definitely a far superior successor to the OG Gay and Depressed. Honestly, I have to say that out of all three currently in the series, it is begrudgingly my favorite one. We’ll see how RK does on his entry. 6/8

This story is definitely gay. At this point, I would be surprised if anything you write isn't at least a little gay. Being gay doesn't make it a bad story though. I enjoyed it. I was a bit doubtful of the writing style you chose at first, but it grew on me as I got through more and more of it. There were minor grammar mistakes like missing letters, wrong word tenses, and misspellings, but it is also a large story so I can let it slide.

It was a great read, but as I am slightly homophobic and you misspelled some things, I can only give it a 6.

Very very GAY

miz told me to leave constructive criticism for your school project and I gotta say this is kinda weird to put this much effort into homework. learn to calm down.