Player Comments on Isaac's Sacrifice

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

From the description, this is quite a novel concept: being someone's guardian angel and preventing them from dying. The first page adds in some worldbuilding loosely connected to religion. I found it interesting that angels are constructed of both animal and human parts, stitched together with red thread. There are also references to heaven and other angels. This is an interesting blend between Christianity and fiction, or ‘Bible fanfiction’ as the description states.

There is good use of concrete imagery, especially given the abstract nature that themes such as heaven and afterlife are usually associated with. Descriptive passages delve into details: what the protagonist sees, how he feels, what he hears. All of these come together to paint a fuller picture of the setting (thus avoiding the white room syndrome).

However, there are too many adjectives used, which only makes it seem like things are well described, when in reality, it weakens the writing. For instance, there is a “bright light”, walls made of “dark grey stone”, the room is “bleak”, and the protagonist has “feathery wings” and “a silver ring” around his head. My suggestion is to focus more on the sensory details and what they mean to the protagonist instead of just detailing the surroundings. Don't just mention the light is bright; show us the protagonist shielding his eyes as it pierces through the darkness. This adds personality to the writing and creates immersion.

But now, an exception. I like the line: “The two halves of your body are stitched together by a bright, red thread, like blood on your pale skin and white wool”. The colors used here are effective adjectives, as they further the simile of blood on skin.

Or, another good example in the story: “He saunters away, away from the bright marketplace into the retreat of the dim, damp paths behind the buildings”. The adjectives used here quickly juxtaposes the two locations, but even better, this is pathetic fallacy, used to convey Abraham’s shift from elation at having gotten away with the crime to guilt as he realized he stole.

Back to the plot. The protagonist is guided to the ministry where he would be given his first task, but then he faces a problem: he has no knowledge of anything in his past life. He is labeled as a special case and gets to find out more about the world and system. It's a solid start, as it piques the reader's interest with unanswered questions and promises some answers.

WORLDBUILDING & WRITING STYLE

This category is a bit of an odd one for me. On one hand, it's certainly very creative. having a unique take on angels and afterlife, but at the same time, the Christian in me almost feels compelled to write down a list of everything that couldn't be more inaccurate (angels are not the souls of dead humans; devils aren't ‘demoted’ angels who fail to protect humans; etc). There's also the fact that everyone dies, so how do promotions even occur? Yet at the same time, I must say that it creates a fascinating narrative, while also outlining the stakes of possible failure. This makes the reader root for the protagonist’s success.

The first choices are something of an infodump to explain lore, though it also makes sense that the protagonist would be confused due to the situation he's in.

There are a few instances of comma splices. These are sentences where a comma is used without a conjunction in place of a semi-colon or full stop. For example: “Buildings built with marble and embellished with gold shrouded by white clouds, the voices of other angels joining together in a chorus of song.”

When describing the ministry building, there is a brief switch to past tense, though it reverts back to present tense in the same paragraph. There are a few missing words and grammatical errors throughout, but not too many that it affects readability.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The protagonist is, unfortunately, a blank slate at the start. He isn't given much of a personality. Even from the first page, he is merely being dragged along, without showing any thoughts or feelings. One way this could be improved would be to use internal narration and connect his observations with his personal beliefs. Although he doesn’t remember who he is, he still has to have some opinions about his situation; some emotions (maybe shock, disappointment, or fear) when he realizes he has forgotten everything about his old life. By characterizing him (identifying his fears, goals, and belief system), he would stand out more and get the reader to root for him throughout the rest of the story.

On the other hand, Abraham is characterized well. He's mourning the loss of his son, regretting the contract he made, and on the verge of committing suicide. His reactions and motivations are realistic. The protagonist can somehow read his thoughts and plans; this is a useful tool to portray the despondency and disparity of his situation as he thinks about robbing the marketplace, not caring whether he would get executed. Despite getting away with it, he still either feels remorse at the situation or gives it away to the guardian angel as a beggar child depending on the path. It's somewhat biblically accurate as he is known to be a moral person. Adding this hesitance to commit crimes, balanced against the anger and sadness of losing his child, creates internal conflict (fear and desire) both in this scene and throughout the overarching story.

The merchant and the shepherd were good character foils. Although both saved Abraham, one did it to gain something whereas the other saved him out of compassion. Abraham also asked the shepherd about his flock, which felt like a nice reference to the parable of the shepherd leaving his sheep behind to find the one that was lost.

I liked the scene where the protagonist looked at the stars and started to remember who he was. It was a flashback of a fond memory: him spending a moment with his father and wishing for a little lamb. In a way, it reminds us to cherish the small moments with our loved ones because these form the highlights of our lives. This is the moment I figured out the plot twist too.

(Spoilers ahead).
I love the plot twist that Isaac is sent to protect his dad from dying after he sacrificed him. It was foreshadowed well—when he transformed into the beggar boy, Abraham thought he was his son; in the memories, there is one of him and one of his lamb (his angel form is part human part lamb, and the conversation with the shepherd references Abraham dying at the same time as his beloved lamb).

“He falls to his knees, and begins to sob, grieving for his son who will never become a man...and his lamb who will never become a ram.” This was quite an emotional line. But I felt glad that his lamb had the chance to transform into a ram in one of the earlier choices, and Isaac briefly consoled his father to help him find peace. It's a touching, sweet ending that tugs on my heartstrings.

If I did have one nitpick, however, it's that only the last choice matters (between remembering as a child or as a lamb). After that, there’s no chance to save Abraham if the protagonist doesn’t remember who he was. Either way, the story comes full circle with the protagonist returning to heaven and seeing the same angels. Then he is either granted human legs as a reward or given a second chance if he fails.

Overall, I enjoyed this short, Bible-inspired story and it kept me entertained throughout.

This is an interesting take on the story of Abraham and Isaac. Essentially you play the role of an amnesiac angel who is sent to earth to protect Abraham from harm after a disastrous sacrifice. The story imagines what could have happened if Isaac had died.
In regard to spelling errors, I didn't notice anything that seemed too jarring to read. 'God' is capitalised in a haphazard way: just choose one version and stick with it. Also, on the 'Shepherd' page, you refer to the 'merchant' smiling. I mean, it's possible that the shepherd is also a merchant, but this is probably just a mistake.
The merchant path has a loop error, so that when you click 'Midnight Strikes' on 'as a child' the link just takes you back to the cliff.
On the first page, you probably could have put all the information you get from asking questions within the text, seeing as there doesn't seem to be much point in clicking a link to read a paragraph of information, then clicking back. Links to information are usually because the writer wanted to include a lot of extra background information without forcing the reader to scroll through a thousand words of detailed, optional description. Anyone who doesn't want to read the paragraph of information you wrote can just skim past it.
I like that you changed between the angel's thoughts and Abraham's thoughts, as if the angel were getting glimpses into Abraham's mind. The description of heaven, with a range of otherworld-ish language, is also well-done.
Not to get hung up on the technicalities, but at the time this story is set 'Israel' would have been known as Canaan, as the nation of Israel is named after Abraham's grandson, the son of Isaac, who according to this story got burned up in a fire before he could ever have children. So this is both a temporal and ancestral paradox, but that wasn't the main point of the story. So there's that. (There are other nitpicks that I could go into, but seeing as this is a fantasy story any errors can be probably be excused/ignored. The one I just mentioned amused me.)
All in all, this is a decent story for something written in around three weeks, especially for a first attempt. To improve you could work on the points above, make the story longer, and include more endings (I believe there are only two). And, as has been mentioned before, angelic shadowing isn't 'haunting' in the sense of ghostly manifestation, but certainly the idea that Abraham is 'haunted' by his memories/actions is an interesting one.

Yeah... this is a bit of an odd one :) It was well written, flowed smoothly and made sense and everything but I'm a bit puzzled about its existence. I wouldn't have expected fanfic of the Bible (though it makes sense when you think about it as there's a fair number of amazing things that happen in it). It treads the fine line between upsetting Christians and atheists well but doesn't really add anything to to religion. On the whole not a bad story, a rather interesting response to the prompt "haunted"!

This game is pretty weird.

Not what people would expect from "Bible fanfic" at all, it's basically a fantasy story with some Biblical aesthetics. I think it might piss off both the extremely religious and the extremely non religious in different ways, so I have to give it credit for that.

Whaaattt, me reading a Bible story? Blasphemy! The idea of angles getting random body parts after completing assignments is low-key terrifying while at the same time very hilarious. I'm imagining an angel just being settled with two floating eyeballs.