Player Comments on Momojiro

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

It is an interesting concept to write a fanfiction of a well-known fairytale. I remember reading this story as a kid and then being a bit wary of peaches, though I don't remember much about this tale itself.

From the first page, it seems this isn't the story of the original boy in a peach, but rather, his second brother. The writing style resembles that of fairytales, with the 'long, long ago' and the story surrounding the birth of the protagonist. Lots of description and specific details are used to ground the reader in the setting. It employs ‘showing’ effectively. However, if I had a nitpick, it would be the overuse of adjectives, some of which are unnecessary. Think of it like this: the reader has a limited attention span. You want to draw their attention to the most important details that furthers the plot or develops character. While some adjectives, like the straw-weaved floor and dim light illustrate the setting, and others such as the young and old women distinguish between characters, the part about the color and material of the cloths and silks felt unnecessary.

The prose is easy to read, yet after the birth of Momojiro, it switches to telling the reader what happens as opposed to immersing them in the scene. In part, this may be due to there not being a point of view character whose perspective the readers can follow. For this scene, the story isn't written in third person limited nor omniscient, as none of the characters' thoughts are shown, only the actions they perform and the words they say. In a way, it isolates the reader.

However, this is soon remedied as it switches to Momotaro's point of view. He's characterized well: his desire is to have his father's affection, which ever since his brother was born, seems to have been stolen from him. Perhaps the opening would have been stronger viewed from his perspective, as it marked a turning point in his life? Still, his struggle makes him a relatable protagonist. There's constant reminders of this, from how he described his mum as the 'only one who ever listens to him now' to how Jiro laughed happily as he sat on his father's lap.

Oh, wow. That got dark quickly. Here I was, thinking this would be a wholesome family story about a boy in a peach, and next thing I know, the father wants to kill his oldest son just so he can give his property to the second son. How's that the logical solution? Maybe it's the simplified nature of the storygame, or the lack of foreshadowing, but I definitely did not expect that.

A bit more information about the mother's lack of power in the family is revealed. It's a small infodump, but I barely mind, as it's positioned well in the story. I like the line: "What she thought would be a rich life was rich only with torture."

It's really sweet and sad how the mum saves Taro by sending him away, even though she isn't able to explain to him. He trusts her enough to obey her until the end, when he gets scared, and asks what is happening. Yet, they both end up in tears. Then the mood is lightened when the younger brother walks up and speaks in a childlike way, though the choice is his to make.

This is slightly confusing, as we've switched from having no point-of-view character to Taro, but now it is Jiro who gets to make the decision. So who exactly is the protagonist? It seems it is Jiro, which makes sense, as the story would otherwise just be a copy of the common tale which was summarized at the start of this storygame.

WRITING STYLE

Dialogue shows characters well. 'He wouldn't live if anyone in the town knew he was alive' and 'he is drowned in the river by the big peach' shows how logical the mother can become when she's trying to hide her emotions and justify sending her son away, juxtaposing her earlier 'Get in! Just get in!' where the cracks of stress start to show. Both the children, by contrast, show their emotions more strongly through their words.

"The older woman entered the room quietly in small steps. She closed the wooden doors lightly behind her with one arm and Jiro in the other. The bulky man leaned forward to look at it. Jiro smiled at him sweetly." --- There’s an overuse of adverbs in some parts of the story, so when editing, consider which ones are absolutely necessary (get it?).

I enjoyed how the earthquake was first presented as a slight shake that "took the brush off where Jiro originally intended for it to go, leaving a big, ugly streak on the page". Only then were there all the other signs: clinking bowls and cups, falling wooden shelves, and breaking glass ornaments. From this, he runs to his mother and her everyone to escape. There's a good use of short sentences, all with the same pattern of starting with 'Jiro' then 'him', which quickens the pace. It conveys a sense of breathlessness which is summed up really nicely by the sentence: "He didn't dare gasp for breath until he saw that everyone in the mansion was safe and sound, away from any buildings."

Once the protagonist is no longer in direct danger, the focus on the scene zooms out, towards the rest of the town. Each detail is a brushstroke in the larger painting that is the scene. Everything adds to the atmosphere of a town in chaos.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

Jiro isn't strongly characterized at the start, as the story focuses more on his older brother, but throughout the next few scenes he can choose the type of person he wants to become. At the start, his choices are between trying to get his brother to stay, letting him go for his survival, or letting him go because he wants to inherit the village. The "He stay!" and stomping his feet in a toddler tantrum reminds me of my younger cousins. It's a nice touch that his reaction to his father after that---either shrinking away from him and hiding behind his mum, or giggling---is dependent on which choice he picked.

Soon his father dies, and while I'm slightly shocked no one helps, it makes sense given his cruelty. I like that although the story continues in a similar fashion---Jiro grew up, calculated finance, and did the bookkeeping---the earlier choice also affects the flavor text. The first choice includes a part about how he's always honest and the servants were paid fairly, the second is neutral with only the normal description, and the last results in him being cunning and calculating in his work. After the father dies, the first two choices mention that he shares his inheritance with his mum while the last says he keeps it all to himself.

Later on, this choice of morality becomes more extreme. Following the earthquake, he sees a poor woman begging for peaches, of which he has two. He can give her half a peach, keep them for himself, or hurt her for thinking she can get things for free. This follows the same structure as above: he could be selfless, neutral, or selfish.

If he chooses not to share his food, the lady warns him about demons and how they're behind all of the suffering there is. Or if he chooses to share with or injure the poor lady, others believe the poor to be demons. Like the protagonist, this shocks the reader, as there hasn't been any mention of this aside from the brief summary of the original story. But then a man with a sword comes and gives them all food, claiming to have defeated the demons.

(Spoilers)
Oh, the part about demons not being foreshadowed makes sense. The lack of foreshadowing actually foreshadows that they're made up. After all, even the old lady never saw any demons, hence Taro returns and says that the only demons are found within us---greed, selfishness and jealousy. This makes sense: the first choice was one of greed, the next of selfishness, and lastly, Taro's desire to kill Jiro was borne of jealousy. It's a classic fairytale convention to end with a moral and this one wraps up the story nicely.

The use of delayed consequences means that choosing either of the evil options, to be selfish or greedy, leads to Taro leaving again. Jiro reflects upon this and when a younger child speaks to him about demons, he comes to the same conclusion. It's a cool detail that we see this issue with the others in the village and how quickly they label the poor as demons, showing that the true demons are lurking within the sins of human hearts.

Despite the sweet theme in this storygame, my main gripe is that there isn't much in the way of plot. Two choices and the story ends. The scope is limited, which means other elements like character development, worldbuilding and plot are limited, too. Though I suppose a story of this nature does warrant a shorter length.

Regardless, this was a wholesome story about the importance of kindness. It doesn't require much of a time investment and is worth a quick read.

Overall: This story could be good. It could be.
But it isn’t.
Please, Mr. Author Dude, unpublish this and do some proofreading. Maybe try to enlist a friend of yours, or lacking that, someone from this site, to proofread as well, and give you tips on ways to improve. Fix this.

I’d recommend reading this if you want experience as a proofreader, want to be able to write a trashy review, really need that point, or are going for the top rater trophy.

Characters:
Jiro- the hero. That’s about it. Nothing particularly exciting.

Taro- Whiny, spoiled, disillusioned, petulant boy. Possibly the only character who isn’t 100% one dimensional.

Master/Father- tyrannical paternal figure. Basic, though you did a good job of portraying him as a narcissistic piece of shit, even if it was a little overdone.

Mother- caring, submissive maternal figure. Why?

3/8, and that’s generous

SPAG: Quotation marks are a thing, bro. So is proofreading.
1/8

Plot: The plot was actually slightly interesting, and definitely unique. Kudos. However, I just don’t feel like there were enough details, and the plot structure was somewhat scattered and nonexistent at some points.
4/8

Branching: No branching for a long time. However, there are more than two endings available and the choices actually make a difference.
5/8

Bonuses: nah fam

Rating: The ratings average out to 3.25, which I’m rounding to 3/8, which is probably more than this story deserves but it’ll buff

**specifics (also known as spoilers) below**
Typically quotation marks look like “ and not ‘. Maybe you’re from outta town and they do things differently, but that’s the only way I learned it. If you hold the shift button while you tap the ‘ key, it should produce this effect.

>'Nonsense,' he exclaimed. 'If it were a girl, it would have been dead by now.'
What’s that supposed to mean, bucko?
Ah, I see, the guy is an asshole. Well played.

>'Mother, how can I help you?' He said with joy.
Even if the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, if it’s followed by a dialogue tag (which in this case, it is), then you don’t capitalize the “he”, or whatever the word in that spot would be. Also, why, WHY are you using apostrophes in place of quotation marks? I’m so confused.

>His mother was the only one who ever listens to him now.
You used two different tenses in one sentence. No.

Am I playing as Jiro or Taro, or perhaps some random 3rd person observer? What’s going on here?

>'My chest... come in! Come in!' He shouted.
“He” shouldn’t be capitalized

>He still did whatever he was doing before his father died.
There’s gotta be a better way to put that, hon. “Whatever” is not very descriptive, and this IS supposed to be a story

Yeah, I’m not going through more paths. I get the gist.

The grammar and formatting could have been better, but the story itself was alright.

Not a myth I'd heard of before, thank you for writing this.

The excessive amount of paragraph breaks made me far more delighted than it should have. 8/8

The premise is interesting and I like the non-western choice of fairytale. The moral and theme are pretty straightforward and as is the story. The choices have little consequence and the last choice I found did not matter at all. The shifting between character focus was strange because at first we’re to believe the main character is Taro but then we’re following and making choices for Jiro. The story is rather linear and short with little dive into Taro’s (or any) character. The writing is also a little disjointed but sort of works if the goal is to feel like an oral story.

I have no idea what TCat was saying with the paragraph breaks, it was fine to me on my screen.

To begin, the story is wholesome and adds on a unique twist to the momotaro folklore. To me, the main selling factor is the writing style and tone. The way you wrote this (I'm not sure if it's intentional or not) is very conducive to the folklore atmosphere. While simplistic, the writing sounds almost orally read to me.

It isn't without its faults, however. After clicking around for a bit, I came to the conclusion that branching is virtually non-existent. As far as I've seen, there's only 2 possible endings with 3 choices of ~2-3 to get there.

Some parts could be looked over to make sure it reads a bit smoother, but nothing jumped out at me.

I'd like to say more about this story, but there simply isn't any more, unfortunately.

5/8 - Out of consideration for the contest rush and the nice style.

The exessive amount of paragraph breaks made me far more irritated than it should have. 1/8.