Player Comments on Star Wars Frostbite

General Recommendation: Star Wars fans (or anyone, really) will enjoy this short adventure about a storm trooper trying to survive on the planet Hoth.
Preview: As a storm trooper deserting the empire, how will your escape from the planet Hoth affect your future?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
This game’s greatest strength is probably in its setting and atmosphere. The pictures and narration do a good job quickly immersing the player in the world, and setting the game in the ruins of the battle of Hoth is a good place to tie the reader into the world. Seeing the crashed imperial walkers and ruins of the battle was pretty cool.
The game is fun enough on its own as a survival story, but it fits in very smoothly and naturally with the Star Wars setting. A lot of fanfiction games often feel tonally dissonant from the source material, but this game doesn’t have that problem.
This is one of those games that starts off with a simple premise and goal, and then fulfills it. It promises a short adventure in the ruins of the battle of Hoth, and that’s exactly what it delivers.

Specific notes:
-The introduction is well-done, and I can tell it’s in the style of star wars movie introductions. It’s good at evoking the imagery it’s going for.
-The pictures are nice, they help set the tone.
-Narration is good, it gets across the main jist of the choice without bogging the story down in too many details.
-A Jawa? On Hoth?
-I like that lying and telling the truth lead to very similar outcomes in this context. It makes sense given the situation.
-I like that getting the rebel endings/empire endings seems to depend on which structure you go to, the rebel base or the imperial walker.

Grammar:
Generally good, a couple typos in places.
Mastery of Language:
Generally good. The sentence structure has no major issues, though there are a couple individual sentences that could have used another edit. It’s a very direct to-the-point writing style, but it works well enough for this game.

Branching:
There’s a fair amount of branching for a short game with such a limited scope. There’s a wide variety of possible ways the narrator’s life can change from these events.
That said, there is quite a bit of rebranching. The rebranching is not an issue since it’s logical in the context of the situation, but it does detract a fair amount from the replay value. Having each choice lead to its own seperate branch takes longer to write, but improves replay value by a lot.

Player Options/fair choice:
Good. Events are foreshadowed, and the consequences of actions make sense.

WRITING ADVICE:
It feels a bit like the author is talking straight at the reader. As you take your writing to the next level, you may want to work on including a bit more of the narrator’s voice and having decisions present themselves through description rather than having them directly presented to the reader.
For an example of what I mean, many of your sentences and clauses start with “you”, and you present each choice with “what will you do?” Doing this seperates the reader from the narrator.
Admittedly you’re at a bit of a disadvantage here, since the narrator spends most of the game alone and you can’t break things up with dialogue.
Overall: A good first game, and I can tell you really put thought into its presentation.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
The first ending I reached was the “TRUE ENDING” that says “your story does not end here”. I’m not that familiar with star wars canon, but does this mean the narrator of this game shows up in other works?

CONCLUSION: A short adventure that fans of the battle of Hoth will find particularly enjoyable.

After getting all the four main endings, I think it's time to write a comment. This was, overall, quite the fun storygame! As someone whose experience with Star Wars is limited to the films and a bit of the Clone Wars shows, the story did a decent job of not infodumping all that transpired before its setting, mostly sticking to what this Stormtrooper Scout would logically know. The writing didn't drag on, nor did it feel too short. For its length, the branching was fairly good, though it did feel like some choices (the options in the AT-AT scene come to mind) didn't affect much at all. As an aspiring graphic designer, the use of turquoise on black was something I would change, but that's nothing major. I loved the armed wampa pun, but there were a few instances where the 'W' in wampa was capital and then became lowercase in the next sentence. According to the Star Wars Wiki, wampa is not a proper noun. Luckily, these instances are truly few. I definitely appreciated the lampshading of a Stormtrooper's reputation in the aiming and shooting department.

A list of small errors I found:
- The last sentence of the Exploring the Battlefield section being "You slowly dose off lying on the cold floor. ...". Using "doze off" would be more appropriate, and that the period should either be replaced with the elipses or that the elipses should be replaced by the period.
- The Crash Landing section is in possession of a few run-on sentences and a lack of sufficient commas. An example would be the folllowing quote: "You prepare yourself for the danger approaching but need to think quickly", wherein a comma before the "but" of the sentence would be nice. Another would be, "Knowing Hoth has Rebel and Empire supplies alike and that this pod cannot take you off the planet you need to pick a good landing spot and pray you find resources", wherein a comma before "you need to pick a good landing spot..." would have been appreciated to make it more readable. If it's a stylistic choice to show the Stormtrooper's panic, I still believe there should've been something to break the sentence up appropriately.
- In the Find Another Way section, the opening paragraph starts with, "You think to yourself there must be another way!". The use of italics and a comma before "yourself" could have worked, or you could replace it entirely with "There must be another way!".
- In the Pull the Trigger section, writing "You say aloud" feels a bit unnecessary. Replacing it with a word that describes how the Stormtrooper said it other than "aloud" could give more insight as to their emotion during the scene. Then again, it's a Stormtrooper on Hoth, their face had to be a little frozen at that point.
- In the near-an-ending section, it says, "It is very cramped being X-wings aren't really supposed to hold passengers, not that you care anyways.". I think this breaks a bit of the immersion by mentioning it in the first place and saying that you don't care right after. Saying something more along the lines of how the Stormtrooper's just thankful to be alive and on an X-wing not as a corpse, but as a rescuee.

To end this way-too-long comment, I really do like the obvious passion you have for this fandom and the effort you put into the storygame. As you said, it isn't perfect and could use some polishing, but it's a first attempt I'd rate around 7/10. A twenty-something minutes of gameplay well spent!

The story felt incomplete maybe it was just the options but there was too much writing and for lazy people like me maybe if you added a summary for each paragraph it would be funner

Nice

*freedom ending*

It's a bit short but really well written and realistic. I think I've got all the endings, but I might've missed one.
This story does a good job in expressing the cold harsh climate of Hoth and the feeling of being stranded on the planet. The choices are quite reasonable and the story is quite true to the Star Wars lore.
Very fun to read, and I hope there will be more stories like these.