Player Comments on The Delaying Action

Definitely above average, in my opinion.
I think you definitely have a good plot here, and you also didn't do a bad job of fleshing it out. I had an easy time seeing a picture of what was happening as I read thanks to the quality amount of detail you wrote.

Sadly, there seemed to be only one actual path were you don't fail. This is because just about each page with choices had a failure link on it. Like Sszinid said, this makes the storygame very linear at some points.

More character development would have been really nice, because this story was kinda dull in that category. It sorta felt like you'd introduce a character, but not give them any personality. All the soldiers just felt sorta dull.

It was also rather short, but I enjoyed what I did read.

Good to kill a few minutes. 4/8

I like the concept. The writing was better than most new stories people churn out. I felt it did need more details about everything going on to fully bring me in, but still done fairly well. The one other major thing would be more choices as there was always a very clear dichotomy in the choices and most you could tell which was the correct one.

The story contains descriptions of good length and quality on each page; the problem is the length of the story itself. It contains only three choices, and all of them have only one correct and one incorrect option. This makes it very, very short and very, very linear. It's hard for the player to feel any sense of accomplishment because there's only one predetermined ending that's very easy to reach.

There are also no characters in this story. The player gets a name, and his second-in-command gets a name, but they never interact. Neither of them ever has any dialogue, and we have no idea what their relationship is. All of the soldiers who fight and die here are faceless and soulless. Are they afraid of these impossible odds? Eager to spill blood? Loyal to the Khan in spite of looming death? We never know much about them except that they fight and die.

My advice would be to expand this story, which is an excellent start but could go so much further. Give us a whole spectrum of choices and have them lead to a whole spectrum of different endings based on how well we did. In some, we might fail and die. Others, fail and escape. Others, succeed and die. Others, succeed and escape. Let the player feel like he or she has achieved something unique and self-determined.

And try to give the soldiers, especially the named ones, some personality.

I always enjoy things like this. It did feel a bit linear. I Don't have much energy rn so this is all i'm going to write.

The first page was pretty good and the writing was decent, which is more than I can say for about half of the 2/8 length stories on this site. I felt like the writing quality decreased a little bit on the second page, and then went back up again, but maybe that was just me.
The choice for info on the story was very good because it let people who haven't read the series learn what is happening, and if you have you can just skip the recap.
The thing about this storygame is that it isn’t really a storygame. Every choice you make leads to death, there is no branching. There is only one good end and all the others just kill you quickly. If you added more choices that were meaningful and you got to live on a few more of them, then your rating would go up.

Good writing, could be longer. Another thing is that for every set of decisions there is only one that works. There should be more variety.

I really liked it. It's a good story and youre a talented writer. My biggest problem though is the length. It's too short.

Good story well written but not many choices to make. It would have been better to have more options and explore the "what ifs" of these choices.

It's a historical fan fiction.

Fanfict or Historical?

Personally, I haven't read that series, but the story was reasonably well-written, not as good as it could be, but definitely "getting there". My main problem with this game is that it was too linear. Each choice only had two results: you move on, or you die. Overall, this story isn't bad, but you should probably work out the bugs for your next game.