Player Comments on The Mortician

I generally hate stories done in that poetry fashion and they never usually rank high with me.

However thanks to the dark fucked up content, I was swayed to like the story more than I normally would have done. So good job on that front.

I believe if you had made this a proper story (You know, with dialogue and such) you may have had a chance at even getting this featured because even with as little as you did due to the poetry format, the protagonist was still fleshed out pretty well as far as his thoughts and feelings. Hell, he even has character development in a few branches.

I mean its at least as descriptive as Snow and has way more possible endings than that story does.

Anyway, while it may not be a traditional love story, it’s still an entertaining one.

This was well....Interesting.To say the very least, If I’m being honest it was twisted as hell, I found the rhymes very compelling and that was the only reason I read this piece I guess, not a new way of telling a story, just not something people use a lot on this site.Not saying I’ll be making a stop at the Local graveyard.

I really think this is the darker side of this site, I mean insanebutvain EndMaster are masters at Dark writings(I really wanna say ‘Dark Arts’),but this wall a hella a lot darker my friend.I was just when you go into either or more of these writers worlds there’s a balance of dark and light.Essential to making a story a hit, a balance that makes the story interesting and readable.

You just threw us in there with this really twisted man who has really twisted thoughts about really twisted things.Im just gonna say you NEED TO BALANCE IT.Even stories about stuff like this have pages where your not actively doing weird stuff like this.
“Loved the rhyme, hated the crime’

Maybe make it so you have for example, more info on his banker life, maybe give a better reason for what he does, not just,’Oh I just had this really weird urge and didn’t struggle at all, no regrets or any second thoughts.’

Basically what I’m saying is focusing on too much stuff is bad for writing.I give you a fat 6/8 for the rhyming efforts and yeah(Keep up ‘the work’ I guess)

I found this story very fascinating.

Although the story is, without a doubt, very dark and disturbing, the way it's told through poetry makes it oddly beautiful in a terrifying kind of way.

The main character, who also serves as the narrator, is also fascinatingly complex. Even though we are told very little about him, we are able to glean certain traits and values he possesses such as his sexual attraction to the corpses of young women and his belief that cheating on one's spouse is wrong. Although many would beg to differ, I'd say that those values are what make him human and why we (the reader) are so intrigued by him. Humans are extremely morally complex and we possess different opinions and beliefs about different topics, many of which make no sense or directly contradict each other. Therefore, although his habits and beliefs are certainly not often heard of, they're still realistic in the sense that they don't make sense; something we humans seem to have perfected.

Overall, amazing story. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would love a sequel if possible :)

The creativity was very good. The parts that tried to rhyme woman with plan took me out of the immersion though. Overall, I enjoyed this story.

This was very dark and I loved it. The poem format really worked for this one. Great job!

I played through all the choices, this is fascinatingly sick. And you are a wonderful poet. Just discovered this site. This is so cool.

The poem based story was nicely crafted, ballad quatrains are very flexible in general to any style of topic you give them, so no complains with the context.

There were some blank verse stanzas added abruptly, which interfered with the overall rhythm, but those I think those were added with the intention to create contrast and lay more focus on important points? If that's so, maybe a different subtle approach like changing the meter could have gotten forth that without disrupting the rhythm. Speaking of changing meter, there were a few abrupt changes in the general meter too, where there wasn't really anything major; so it felt out of place.

The tale being told, is interesting, and the author has done a pretty good job in providing an insight into the character's mind and his motives; really forming a bond. It was interesting at kept my attention and was enjoyable.

Overall, this is a pretty good piece of literature, but with a few inconsistencies.

Had to give this a 7 for the sheer audacity and uniqueness of the plot. It was very entertaining, disturbing, and a lot of fun to read.

Constructive criticism:

On principle I couldn't give a poem an 8. Sorry, Jesus just won't allow me to do that. Also, there were a couple of moments of inconsistency in the metre and rhyming. Finally, this was pretty short as far as stories go, regardless of the particular method of story telling used.



Overall, the idea itself pulls this up to a 7 in my opinion. This is a unique poem, and it's well worth the read. In fact, this was one of the few instances where I really felt a need to go through every possible ending. Excellent work!

Jesus wept, man.

On a more productive note - Have you read it all out loud? It might just be a difference in accents and pronunciation, but some of the lines just don't quite flow as well as they could.
But saying that, I can't rhyme for shit.
5/8

Well that took a fucking turn. Nice little macabre horror romance. 5/8.