Player Comments on White as Bloodstained Snow

Although “White as Bloodstained Snow” is shorter than most of Mystic’s works, regardless it is an admirable contest entry that is also an incredibly fantastic grimdark fairy tale.

Reading this story reminded me of a pastiche of various different classic fairy tales. I saw influences of snow white, sleeping beauty, and a few other tales. At the same time, the story manages to distinguish itself by making something unique, so that it feels like its own story. The greatest compliment I can give this story is that it stands on its own as an interesting and engaging fairy tale, and I would definitely present this alongside other classic fairy tales. I think older kids would definitely love this fairy tale, as it will not only remind them of the stories they heard when they were young, but it also adds a horror flair to them that was masterfully executed.

Right from the start, Mystic sets the spooky tone with this first sentence: “Legend has it that amidst the ruins of the once illustrious Northern Kingdom, where a palace lays shattered on the rock-covered snow, the only inhabitants are ghosts.

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I really like the structure of the cumulative sentence, and how Mystic places the reveal of “the inhabitants are ghosts” at the end, because of how it crescendos to that final reveal(I’d like to thank Fresh for all her grammar lessons and pointing these things out because I’m starting to get a sense of what to look for when analyzing good writing). The long flowing sentence with a modifier also lends the story a sense of scope and grandeur, really setting the cherry on top for the fairy tale tone you’re trying to create. The art right after accentuates that effect, because it’s a grand fairy tale castle, but one that’s not depicted in the traditional bright colors and triumphant fanfare that you might see in a typical drawing of a castle; rather the monotone colors and the guidelines still present creates an off putting effect. Especially the way the lines don’t exactly match the 2nd castle art behind it, it creates this really weird effect of the castle shimmering in and out of existence. It gives a sense of unreality and ghostliness, so I really like this drawing.

The language and vocabulary used continues to reinforce this ghostly effect, the imagery is sufficiently spooky: “Dark clouds suffocate the skies”, “ghostly strand of moonlight”, “long-dead phantoms “, “fate worse than death”.

Stylistically, Mystic understood the assignment and did a really great job creating a spooky atmosphere. This is also a testament to her range and ability to experiment, since she can write wholesome fantasy, creepy and foreboding horror, a modern crime revenge story, all with the same skill(Of course, this assessment is mostly from scrolling through her profile and knowing of her general reputation as a CYStian, I still have yet to read her previous stories, but I am confident they are just as amazing as “White as Bloodstained Snow” and “Those Shackled Souls”).

One drawback is the broken link. I can’t seem to access the “Family” section, on the first page only the “Love” link works. Maybe it’s a thing where I have to play through the Love section once, then reset the game and try the family section, I’m not really sure yet. It could also be due to the contest deadline, and if that’s the case, then I hope Mystic returns to this story to expand upon the “Family” link.

The story’s initial premise is quite simple. For Florian and his friends, they need to get it in the spooky castle, rescue the kidnapped princess, and get out. She was kidnapped by a “Nightbeast”, and if Florian and his friends succeed, then he can marry the princess and get 9,000 acres of the King’s land.

Of course, nothing is really that simple. Mystic also gives us some more insight into Florian’s complicated relationship with his family, the strange dream he had, and a mysterious heart-shaped locket with an empty heart within, in place of the traditional photo that would reside in a locket like this. I really like how Mystic is able to do so much characterization in so few words. She’s also set up quite an interesting bit of foreshadowing with the locket, since clearly someone else has the other part of the locket that when combined with the locket, will complete the 2 hearts.

Once the flashback part is over, we are returned to the present. We get a brief conversation with between Florian and his friends. This brings me to my first bit of criticism. I’m going to be honest, none of the guys(Doctor Otsen, Sir Grump, Sir Temor, Sir Joy, and Sir Basil) were really all that memorable. And I feel like I never really got to know them, so seeing a bunch of new names pop up one after the other as dialogue tags was a little disorienting, but I do understand that it’s a short work and this part is more of a set up for what’s yet to come. And as a set up, it does its job admirably. I love the feeling of suspense and tension hanging in the air, and Mystic skillfully continues to create a foreboding atmosphere with a slow and steady pace, and appropriately creepy environmental descriptions.

I also loved the description of the creepy mirror in pieces, and the heart. Rather than throw the readers into the horror all at once, Mystic takes her time with it, introducing one creepy element after another. We get to see how the band reacts, and we feel their tension as they mistakenly fire their weapons at nothing, but then they immediately discover the bleeding heart. I also love the contrast between Doctor Otsen’s carefulness and deliberation and Florian’s hotheadedness. Clearly, Doctor Otsen is experienced with magic and knows something is wrong, but Florian simply doesn’t listen.

The part where half of the band abandons Florian didn’t really move me as much as it should have since I don’t really know enough about any of these guys, but from a horror aspect, it does heighten the tension because now they went from 7 guys to 4 guys(Basil, Grump, Doctor Otsen, and Florian). Also, it was a little weird that Basil suddenly became a mute, I feel like that was introduced rather hastily and randomly with ““The mute and the dreamer? “

Once the group thins out, I feel like I am able to get to know each of the su(Inpporting characters more. I also feel like the conversation flowed much better, and I loved some of the jokes. I loved the writing, I thought it was quite clever how you subverted traditional fairy tale tropes with lines such as “Maybe we could just reassure her of her beauty? Everyone needs to feel appreciated sometimes. It works well on my wife whenever she is feeling down.”

“Wow, what a brilliant plan! Break into the castle, walk up to a vicious sorceress, and tell her she is beautiful. Why, it's like you want to get killed.” That was a particularly funny exchange, and I loved how you point out the absurdity of some aspects of older fairy tales, while at the same time still honoring the convention by executing it in such a skillful manner.

Doctor Otsen’s betrayal was well done. You seeded some hints here and there, foreshadowing what might happen, and when it did happen, it felt quite natural and made the story even more interesting. And then the transition to the creepy songs and possessed Sir Joy attacking the band was quite seamless. This is a story you really have to read every word of, you can’t just skim it or you’ll lose the rhythm and feel of it.

I did feel bad when Sir Basil died in the “Cowardice’s Curse” path because we started to get to know him a bit more only for him to meet a sudden and untimely death. I found this death path to be quite interesting, and unlike most death paths, quite fleshed out. Since this is a shorter story, Mystic spent a lot of attention on each path, even the more truncated paths. I also love the reveal that the monster is supposedly Florian’s love, that was quite good.

From there, we enter the castle. This section is the meat and bones of the story. The castle is quite creepy, and I really felt the tension as I explored the ruins.

The element of the Queen being a shapeshifter that could steal people’s faces was really cool. I was constantly on edge, wondering if the person I was with would suddenly become the Queen.

Some of the links were information links, while others progressed the story. It was a little linear in a way, since what would appear to be 2 paths(garden route and 3rd floor) would be the same path the branched back together. Still, I really liked it, since it felt like I was exploring the castle, and getting lost only to find my way back. Plus, there was lots of background information to learn as I went along these paths, particularly in the locked room. I loved the mystery of how the torn out hearts connected with this place, and why the King alone had his heart completely untouched.

Once we reach the 3rd floor, we meet what appears to be Princess Snow. But she’s acting quite spooky, and in an interesting reversal of the original story, the Princess offers the poisoned apple to the Prince. I really liked that subversion, it lends an eerie feel to the story, because something’s just not quite right.

Especially the way she acts, it’s almost like she’s trying to lure Florian into a trap.

Obviously, if you eat the apple you reach a quite beautifully written death scene, but if you don’t then you run from Princess Snow and reach the real Princess Snow. As it turns out, the first Princess Snow was actually the evil Queen.

I really loved the reveal that the Queen/Nightbeast was actually Florian’s mother. She corners Florian, leaving him with only 2 choices, escape or die.

The escape ending ends rather abruptly, we don’t really get the chance to save the Princess but we do get some valuable intel and we escape with our lives. I was a bit disappointed that the story ends with Florian retreating to fight another day rather than saving the Princess in this story, but it’s still a satisfactory ending for a contest story.

Overall Impression: The story is a bit raw and rough around the edges. The world building is remarkably ambitious but also a little confusing. It feels like a 30-50k story trapped in the confines of a 10k story, but regardless, is an incredibly fun read. The horror elements were executed really well, it was really spooky. I feel like I don’t really understand everything that’s going on, so I hope that Mystic fleshes the world out and really expands upon this, because “White as Bloodstained Snow” is a fantastic take on genre subversion. Mystic manages to transform traditional fairy tale tropes into something a bit more spooky, and stands tall and proud among other fairy tale CYOAs like “Safe” and “The Hand with the Knife”. If you are looking for a novel take on fairy tales, I would easily recommend this one. Great work, Mystic!

The art was beautiful. I wonder if the Family link on the first page was broken as a symbol or because it was simply not finished. The story was nearly flawless.

I appreciate the art style, and the atmosphere. These things were well done. I also appreciate the candid admission regarding the unfinished branch, but I think maybe a brief description of an ending first, followed by an author's note would have been better.

There wasn't anything bad about this, but one thing that would have made it a complete story would be some sort of emotional connection between characters. Of course, that takes more time to create, and this was one was too short for that. Instead, what was given wasn't a bad consolation prize: a spooky atmosphere very reminiscent of all those dark fairy tales that hide in the back of our minds, the little tropes we all love, like the "princess" being the monster, the beautiful banquet trapping you for eternity, etc. That sort of thing lurking in our subconscious. The One Ring. Etc. We got a little of that in this story, which is always welcome.

So, overall, the atmosphere is the strength for this story. And the way it leans in to that classical fairy tale essence. The weakness is that the side characters were just names, except the doctor, and there wasn't enough time for character development or relationships—a consequence of the length usually.

But it's the best of these I've read so far. It was well done, except for the unfinished part. Perhaps after the contest it will be completed as the author intended. I'd be interested to see what was supposed to go there.

Overall, nice work.

A beautifully written, grim fairytale that makes for a good, if due to being ultimately unfinished a bit illusory when it comes to choices story.

The highlight of the game is definitely the very colorful prose, followed closely by a well maintained tone throughout the whole thing. It is very easy to get immersed into the story and put yourself in the protagonist’s shoes.

A notable cast of side characters in relation to the modest word count lends itself well to the story despite, or perhaps due to the simplicity of their personalities. They’re introduced smoothly and serve their purpose without getting in the way, even if it can be hard to get overly attached to them in the brief time we get to spend with them.

One nitpick when it comes to the plot itself is that the mystery aspect of it isn’t particularly difficult to figure out, but I feel like that’s an issue plaguing most stories aiming to subvert the fairytale genre as there is only so many ways one can put a twist on a at this point very tropey premise.

Bonus points for the art and general formatting, but the fact the story isn’t properly finished sadly counteracts that.

Final score: 6/8 with strong odds for a 7 or better if the story is ever completed.

It's beautiful, writing wise and art wise. I really enjoyed reading this. The characters felt real and the monster terrified me.