Player Comments on Your First Day of School

Alright, I was going to give this story a 2 before I went through all of the options.

This storygame takes you through a little girl's first day at school, as advertised. It's short, simple, and...that's it. Most of the choices you make don't amount to much, which makes me wonder why not add more ways to interact when the teacher asked if there were any new kids if all the options take you to the same page. I didn't want to signal myself out as a new kid. I wanted to stay quiet. Why are you forcing me to speak or raise my hand? I would have been able to relate more to saying nothing and the teacher signaling me out anyway.

Also, one of those endings is completely unrealistic. I'm not going to spoil it out of respect, but anyone reading this review will know what I'm talking about. Unforgivable unrealistic.

The grammar, writing, and punctuation could use a lot of work. It's not unreadable, but it's hard to miss.

My verdict is a 1/8.

Uh, the 09 in the author's name is a birth year I'm assuming.

Given that, this was pretty impressive and I'm sure will wow any teachers or her mom, but aside from this just being really short, there are problems with grammar and punctuation all throughout this so that it just doesn't hold up to the site standards.

Keep reading and having fun with your writing and I'm sure you'll improve dramatically over the next couple of years as you get more experience.

Who takes a bath first thing in the morning? Yeah, sorry, that really was my first reaction to this story. But as someone else mentioned, the tense shifts on that first page are distracting. For example, in the paragraph about getting up, there is present action with “quickly get up,” then a shift to “take a bath,” but then another shift to “brushed your…hair.” Those tense shifts are tough and something that I always have trouble with. My best advice for fixing those is editing and proofreading, looking at tenses specifically throughout the entire story. And yes, it takes practice.

The tense shifts continue throughout the story, and they do make the story difficult to read. But also, on this site especially, readers appreciate choices in the story. And by “choices,” I mean choices that have an effect on the story. It appears on the “School!” page that no matter which choice you make, it takes you to the next page and doesn’t have any effect on the story at all. That’s a false choice, and many readers don’t really like that because if both options take you to the same place, what’s the point of putting the option in there? On the other hand, the choices for “Recess time!” really do have an effect on what happens, so those are nice.

Obviously, this is a pretty short story. Short stories can be fun and effective. I did like that this attempted to take the reader through an entire day from start to finish. A little more could have happened during the day, or there could have even been additional paths through the day that provided different choices and different events: anything from meeting new people to failing classes to having the fire alarm go off. This is a nice start for a story here and I’d love to see you write more and work on tenses and expanding your stories. Thank you for sharing your story with the site.

I’m guessing that you are no older than 11, or at least I hope you are. I think that this is a step in the right direction for a young writer, and I’m sure that once you get out of elementary school, you’ll be a somewhat better writer. Of course, that’s only if your school teaches about run on sentences, and how to stay in one tense. If you are older than 13, than you might want to consider not ever writing again.

EXTREMELY GOOD

It was good!

This was interesting, but not in the right kind of way.

So there were plenty of errors through the story, such as switching between past and present tense. There was also excessive repetition during a paragraph consisting solely of a run-on sentence (and then... and then... and then).

The lunch decision was unusual in that what you chose to eat would bend reality around you, dramatically altering the course of events in your day. Not an issue, but different.

The endings, however, were the epitome of anticlimactic. Whether you looked COOL or your day was great, the epilogue really didn't serve any sort of purpose in the story. The "Yup, yes." and such was also unnecessary, you didn't need to basically repeat it. The violent assault was also a rather quick, unbelievable escalation. Something like that needs a little bit of a buildup.

The whole story needs to be restructured with a heavy dose of proofreading. There are plenty of people on this site who will help out with that, but this story should not have been published in this state.

character development? actual plotline? big fat lady attacking you with a ruler? unrealistic. Condescending and untalented story.